Thank ypu Peachy those words mean a lot to me. In fact when I did talk to a lawyer she pretty much said the same thing to me.

Well if I can get an attorney who will work with me on limited income I will probably do just what you said. I have to do something to protect myself now. This has gone to far. He needs to know I am not playing this anymore.

I really and truly don't want a divorce but I am beginning to think no matter what I want its going to happen anyway..

That is sad for him Peachy... It just makes you wonder what he is thinking sometimes I am sure.

maybe he nows regrets it all but can or won't do anything about it.... But your right his choice good or bad.....

I migt do that myself... I think I might put the wedding rings from when we got married in the envelope. The one I wear now is one he got me about 4 years ago for christmas ... Our orginal ones were not worth much because we were so young and could not afford much. But its the one he put on my habd the day we married. So its very special to me. This new one I w ill not give him because its worth a lot more money and I will not give him the chance to sell it.... Right now I don't trust him not to .....

I have been thinking about all of this and I am going to try and do something legally this week if I can find an attorney willing to work with me.

As far as assets go we really don't have any. Our home we are buying from his mom and its only her name on the deed until we pay it off so thats not a problem. We have no redit cards or savings. We are one of those couples who made it paycheck to paycheck basiclly. I am not worried about not having any place to live his mother has told me this is my home and I can live here as long as I pay the insurance. I told her once I get on my feet I will start the payments back up and she is fine with that. She says if WH divorces me he will never get this house back.

So really only money he has is his pay. So nothing he can really hide. We have nothing of great importance or worth in the home. So actually not a lot to fight over.

DD is looking for a job so she can help me pay the bills and we will be doing ok.

I was talking to a good friend of ours who lives in Atlanta last night. He was so shocked as to how WH was doing me, he says sounds like the man has lost it. I told him in a way he has.

With it being a holiday tomorrow and I work all day I will not be able to do much as far as finding some help. But I am off Tuesday and will jump in with both feet and get started. I will admit I am scared about this whole thing.

Good Morning Hurting,

I don't know if you have it there, but here we have what is called the Child Support Unit, if you call the Dept. of Social Services there they would give you a phone #, or it may be in your phone book. They can get child support lined up for you and have it garnished out of H check. I'm not sure if he will have to pay CS for the 18 yr old, due to her not being in school, but state laws differ, it may be 21 there. Here it is cut off point of CS is 18, but CS has to paid if the C is going to college until 21 yrs. It is very easy to do. You just tell them that you & H have been separtaed so many months, and now he is getting to the point of cutting off most finances and they will help you right away. They do not charge you any money for this.

As far as alimony goes, I'm not sure about, but someone may be able to help you at the Child Support Unit concerning that also. You need this done where it is not going to cost you money somehow. Can you do it yourself through family court? Your income is low right now, and you may be able to qualify for a public/court appointed lawyer. Call your Family Court in your area and see.

Well anyway to sum this up...

1. Call Child Support Unit concerning CS.
2. Call or go to Family Court. It would be better to go there, ask for an advocate, and see if they help with judgements/cases of alimony and Child Support first thing Tuesday. I know they do concerning custody/visitation, things like that, but I'm not sure if CS and alimony are handled through Family Court, they may be. And it would be great for you to be able to get a Public Defender for free there.

Love, Lady

thank you lady I will check into all of that.....

I am going to the court house tuesday and see what I can do...

I am still in suc shock here over wha he told him mom yesterday I can't think straight. Of course he has said all of this before and so far nothing has happened. I think OW is pressuring him into this , but I'm not sure. Because she did tell him last he left she would not take him back without D papers but she did.

I truly believe though he will regret this someday and by that time it may be to late for us....

Quit the making it easy on the WS part. He made this choice, you are just going to make wise decisions. You have a family home. You have children. He's left home to shack up w/a girl. It is all in the framing of the sitch to courts. I'd file, if fault state, cite adultery and abandonment since he left. I'd do all I said.

He should have to pay you...even my WS does...it seems to some people a good amount, but it's not really...not compared to what he makes in real life vs. on the papers that WS use when they use the WS calculator...again, it's a different calculator in the heads of a WS. Doesn't work quite well.

And it's sad about my xh...what was the kicker in our sitch...after having almost 2 years after D to think about things...why ...was that there was a live in girl...who got pregnant. And she was delivering all kinds of verbal threats like she'd take baby...he'd not be in baby's life...etc...and that's what made the 3 day post divorce remarriage happen. And it's what has caused him to be unable to try to change or comeback.

Harley is right. 2 years is the length of an affair relationship if it's allowed to go on full speed ahead. I know. My xh is proof of it. So is his sham of a marriage. And it's sad. But I can say this...now, whenever he's mad at his W (which is all the time), he's decent to deal with when I have to. And I use alot to show him how hard I've had it for 2 years. Who do you think he respects? He may say and spout words to me when we got in fight a week ago when ow/w spanked my child (I was LIVID) tht he supports his wife, but the next day my son comes home from school after being with them, and says that my xh was yelling at her...and that w was saying that she didn't want to be treated bad...and that he could go out and see that woman if he wanted to...hmmm...what woman? I think I am the pink elephant in the living room always around...

all affair M's if there was any sort of good or decent or fulfilling M to begin with prior to the A, will end. I say that with certainty.
\
People go out looking for greener grass. It is greener for a season. Then they realize it was fertilized with well..poo. And that it may be green...but it has a stench to it. And they're stuck in that green pasture. With a white picket fence around it...but inside that fence is anything but pretty. Snakes in the grass, sinkholes, and poison ivy.

That's what I think about affair relationships and marriages.

Before you get bent outta shape, think about the logistics. You have the cards. You can shape your future right now. And you can force change upon a WS by giving them in essence what they are fighting for...give him what he wants. Let it happen. But do it right way. Spin it (the I can't take it anymore...sad PBL...saying you have to find your own happiness now b/c you're unbelieveably broken, etc)..so he thinks you're doing this out of heartbreak and despair vs. a conscious choice. and let him have his OW. And half his paycheck. And no home. And let her meet his EN's. And let it happen for a while. And let him have to get a lawyer..and let him have to do the work that is involved in getting a D. But do yours...just yours. Make your WS get the papers together on his end...subpoena alot of stuff...that's how you make him work hon. YOu do the stuff to get ball rolling and get all pertinent financial docs to lawyer. Let lawyer do rest (why you pay them) and make WS do his part.

Here will be his reality:
1)less money....TO PAY FOR HIS NEW AFFAIR LIFE
2)no EN's being met by you anymore.
3)no home
4)no stable environment
5)kids know all about it
6)must do work to get the divorce...having to do paperwork...and then voila! He sees he's been publicly labeled an adulterer if you live in a fault state. You can also for fun and for documentation for future, subpoena his girlfriend.
7)there are rumors flying about you...you look better...are independent...are off to "find your happiness." You are so heartbroken that you do what you have to do. He knows little to nothing about you. Except what is fed to him and planned by you.

Example of doing number 7: My xh thinks I am dating up a storm. I tell his W when she was being all nice how my xcollege bf wanted me to go to vegas w/him...(xh and he were mortal enemies)..and how xbf may have been my Mr. Right all along? I look good. I am single. I am not home alot for when he does drive by's. I am difficult to pin down. Men think this.."Oh my gosh. I drove her to do this. How did this happen? She's single now? She's heartbroken. She is capable of doing anything. She sure looks good. Man did I mess this up."

Since it's not too late for you, you can do that part of the spin well if you think and try.

Again, all we can control is our actions. And the only things that have effect on WS are our actions that cause a catalyst for serious change. We cannot change anybody else. I can't go back to my xh while he's a married guy or a WS. And I don't want to. Not now anyway. But I sure can in the meanwhile...and for a bit of healing for me..to work on the painting of the number 7 picture I showed you. oh yea, and whatever the OW is like...be the opposite of her. If she is chocolate...be the vanilla. It makes a WS crazy!

I am an expert on this matter...If an OW has flaming red hair, is always at home trying to please her MM, and dresses like a 16 year old...then you be the opposite...You be a flamboyant blonde or brunette. You dress like a real woman...eleganty but attractively ...and you go out on the town..flaunting your singleness.

example: my xh's present (as he calls her) wife..she is tall..skinny..black hair (with bad ends), freckles from all the tanning beds she frequented for last ten years...no education past high school...prior background of being sleazy with men, drug use in high school...former men's magazine model...now a stay at home wife pretending to be a north atlanta stepford wife.

I become her opposite literally: I am blonde, four inches shorter, curvy, (alot of curves my friend), no freckles..no constant tan, outwardly showing that my work/education/profession is important as it allows me to support my son (show that side to x), am ambitious, have lots of drive, no bad background. No wild ways...but now anything BUT the stepford wife type. I am the intelligent, fast paced, attractive, single mom, going places with the world ahead and wide open.

Now that their lovefest is over...who do you think my xh finds more attractive? Hmmmm. I think I know. And despite his words, despite everything...it does make me feel good at end of the day knowing that I am all the OW can never become.

You gotta brand yourself. I think it works. It's part of healing and redefining. OUr WS redefined our lives for us without our input. We do what we can to reframe life to be good...plus it makes things intersting.

Most ow don't get pregnant. It does toss a monkeywrench in affair busting ok. SO you have a chance to do the stuff I could have sooooo excellently accomplished had she not swallowed the watermelon seed. part is, I am still doing it, accomplishing it now...and it's only for my recovery..my recuscitation of my once ego I had.

Peachy,

I am going to take and do a lot of the things you said, I have no problem with any of it. My only thing is the money for an attorney I simply don't have it. I have tried borrowing from family none have it. I don't have any assets to do anything with. I am going to try and find someone to help most attorneys here won't do anything witout 750.00 up front. I tried legal aid they won't help. So I have to figure a way to do this.... I am going to the court house on Tuesday and see if I can get some help somehow....

I just hope I can beat him to te punch. We are a no fault state with exceptions and adultry is one of them. So I am going to see what I can do....

Thank you so much for your help. I am going to look into all help I can get....

I know you must be shocked. I think he is getting angry because you are not playing with him any longer. Has he ever told his mother those things before? You see now he is complaining to her he told you to get a job a long time ago, well now you have a job. You have been a SAHM for many years, what does he expect. And he probably wanted you home, and it was an agreement between you both for the raising of your children. Not all mothers work!! Some H's don't want their wives working because they are control freaks. Then when the W does get a job the H can't handle it. Then H commits adultery so many years into the marriage and think the W can just get on her feet and make it on her own. No it doesn't work that way, may he wake up and out of foggy la la land! You know I am angry, and any judge would be angry about his doings also.

But you are going to make it Hurting, I know there is help available for women in your position. Don't fret, and don't give up hope!! Thankfully MIL is not requiring you to pay the house payment at this time, you have that in your favor. If you need help with food, there should be some food pantries in town to help. Some churches provide help with food.

So you will have...
House ins payment
insurance on the car
Heating and Electric
Phone
Gas
Food clothing, and household items.
Cable tv/internet service


Add up your bills and see what you can do with what you have for now, see what bills can wait for a few weeks until your next checks come in.

Love, Lady

Lady,

Every time he gets mad at me about something he throws the divorce thing in the air. So I would guess he thought I lied about the money. I tried to do the right thing and have DD call him to tell him about it.

Oh yeah he has told his mom all of this same stuff before. Now she has never told him she was done with him though. Whats so weird though is when he talked to me about the job thing he said I know you are trying, but to other people he makes out like he said bad things to me.... Last time we had the job talk he said I know your trying hard... But went right to his sister later that day and told her that he said to me that I had better get my head out of my a$$ and find a job. He has never said anything like that to me.... He talks nice to me but makes everyone else think he talks cruel.

Whenever someone talks to him while he is at OW's he talks all kinda crap about how he is done and never coming home since she is there. But he gets around me or the kids and ita I am confused don't know what I want..... So I don't know if he is spouting for her benifit or what...... Whatever its all lies as far as I am concerned.....

I just have to do something and be prepared either way...

I know Hurting, your H is very double minded right now.
The double minded man is unstable in all his ways. I am so glad you aren't talking to him it would make you crazy. Just hold on to your faith, and I know God will provide for you no matter what happens.

Love, Lady

thank you Lady I know god will provide for our family. I have no fear in that....

I am not sure what you mean by double-minded though.... could you explain to me?

Double minded means when he talks to you he acts sweet and supportive as you have said, then to others he talks different. The adultery caused him to be that way, unstable. He doesn't have a single mind. The fog, and confusion is just another word to describle double minded.

Love, Lady

Oh ok I got ya ...... Why would he do that though? Does he talk like that to me to keep me hanging on or something?

Why would he make everyone else think he is talking mean to me?

Of ocurse now he is acting mean with the moeny thing and all.. In fact I was thinking about that today at work, I am really beginning to believe OW must be pressuring him to do something. I know when he was in his right mind the more I pressured him whichwas not often the more he resisted .... Now it seems everything I woould not do like ordering him around and pressuring him he is allowing her to do with no problem. Has his character changed that much?

Yes, his character/soul has changed alot. I do think he was talking like that to you to keep you hanging on, and now he see's you letting go w/ Plan B, getting a job, etc.. Yes maybe OW told him now you have a job, to start backing off on finances, I really don't know. I really think he is angry and scared now especially after the talk with his mom. He cannot be feeling good right now. The guilt has to be setting in more.

Love, Lady

I don't know Lady I am beginnign to wonder if he will ever fell any guilt at all.

Scared what does he have to be scared of he has it all. Money and enough to eat and someone to be with ....

I am sure the talk with him mom probably upset him but whi knows. He has not had much to do with her since this all started anyway. I know he does not like it because hios family won;t support his decsisions. So thats why he cut them all off. I know since they support me its something he can't stand. I think maybe he thinks in time they will get over it but I tell you what its not happening anytime soon. None of them trust him at all and don't want anything to do with him because of his lies.

You would think some of these things would have reality hit him by now, but I guess his children not talking to him or wanting to see him does not bother him at all. And his own mother thats the one that bothers me the most, she has always been there for him and helped him out. How he could turn on her is beyond me...

I think it's about wanting contact with you...

Typical anger about PLAN B...

I did have a LEGAL SEPARATION though with NO PLANS of getting a divorce....

I agree with Lady about getting his check garnished (?) by going to Social Services..in case you can't get legal assistance.

Perhaps, you can find an attorney who will allow you to pay them like a bill..

Do you happen to have a credit card you can use to pay a lawyer...particularly a credit card that has his name on it?...

Maybe you can apply for credit, using his salary...you
aren't legally separated....

Just thinking....

He is continuing to follow my FWH's script though...

Don't think of his actions as being any different than a lot of other WSes IMHO....

I know it is surprising for him to turn on his mom too, but it's all a manipulative game that he is playing and it is not working for him thankfully.

Please do not tell your DD that you are planning to go here and there this week, she will tell your H.

Love, Lady

I don't have much time on the weekends.

Thus, the short answer..

Reminding you to STAY DARK...

NO LETTER...

NO SENDING WEDDING RINGS...

I thought abou that Mimi, I was wondering if after what he said to DD and MIL yesterday if he thought I would call raising ****** with him.....

Any other time I before all of this happen thats exactlly what I would have done. I know I have thrown him off as it is because I have not reacted in any way he woould have expected during this whole mess. I have not lost my temper but 1 time and that was not to bad. I have no confronted OW which he just knew I woould when I returned home. In fact I think he has tried to get me to just by things he has said. And I know now it would have been a way to justify himself. So in a way I have shocked him by my reactions or non- reactions.

We have no credit cards at all.... Really don't want any either, I will figure out some way to do this, I have no doubt about that.... I am going to call some other lawyers maybe I can get a break somewhere.

You really think he is still on script? I thought maybe he was alittle off the chain by his latest action.