Hey Hurting:

Next time he calls and is talking to DD and you're home, go somewhere even if it's for a drive. Put a note under DD's nose that says going out for a bit. Of course she'll tell WH and then he'll have to wonder what you're up to. A little taste of their own medicine is very good for them.

You see here, Hurting..

You are playing into his hands, their hands...

You are out of the darkness....

DARK, ELUSIVE, MYSTERIOUS, NOT A CLUE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING, THINKING, OR FEELING...COMPLETELY GONE...OUT OF HIS LIFE...HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!

Do this and I think this affair will come to an end...

He is missing you and then you relieve his pain...He gets a taste of you from your daughter..from your presence in the room while he is speaking to her..

It disgusts me how he is using your daughter and is playing you right now..

REMEMBER HE GETS OFF THE PHONE WITH HER, TALKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT LOSS AND MEMORIES OF YOU AND GOES TO BED WITH THE OW....

YUCK...

Can you see what I am saying?

This is hurting your DD far more than the damage it is doing to you.

Time to be very clear with DD and give her an out...she is probably listening to Wh out of respect, but it is time she set a boundary...with BOTH of you.

It is NEVER OK for one S to talk about the other to children.

Reason with DD and tell her you are worrying about her and how she can keep herself safe by setting a boundary up with you and dad. Promise her you will not talk about dad with her unless she asks very direct questions. Ask her to ask her dad NOT to talk about you AT ALL unless she asks. Tell her she will probably have to remind him of this a number of times...

Still:

Hurting's Husband is not a dad right now, unfortunately...

He is a deceiful, lying WH using his daughter for his own purposes...

I'm sorry to be so blunt about this but...

She can't ask her father to not do anything and expect him to comply given how narcisstic a WS is....

I think Hurting has to be the strong one here and do all the work...

If she is not available during these conversations and does not show any interest, I'm willing to bet they will no longer occur...

Ok you all made very good points.

I thought I did ok since I said nothing. I did get up and leave the room.

This is getting harder by the day.

I made sure I said nothing so he could not hear my voice and I refused to answer the questions he asked.

I don't have to worry about it right now though. The cell phone has been cut off as of this morning because I could not afford to pay it.

So he has no way of calling now. I would imagine it won't be turned back on until the end of the month whn I have the money to pay the bill... So now its gonna be real dark here for him....

So now I don't have to worry about it.

Any conversations she has with him will have to be calls from her grandma's home.

But I do like the suggestion of leaving for a drive or something when he calls. That would get him wondering...

Well I do know he didn't get off the phone and go to bed with OW because he is on the road and was in Texas.... Not that it matters because your right Mimi he does go home to her on the weekends...

Be on the lookout, Hurting..

He will be trying to get a taste of you somehow...

Remember these are BATTLES...

I know Mimi...

Why is this getting so much harder?

It really gets to me because he claims this is what he wanted, me gone from his life. Now every chance he gets he asks questions about me....

Well I do know I don't have to come face to face with him until Dec. 9 our court date. So I still have one month of darkness to get myself together emotionally....

I am hating this so much... I worry about going anywhere on the weekends for the fact I could run into him... I keep the house locked up so tight all the time I fee like its a prison just so he can't walk on in. This is way hard ....

You're kidding me, right?

He doesn't really want you gone from his life..He would have continued to cake-eat, having the both of you if you had not gone into PLAN B...

HE WANTS YOU BOTH....

We grow from our "HARD" experiences in life...

Learn to embrace these experiences...

Your husband is following the WS play book ... he wants his needs met ... and some of his most primal needs the OW cannot meet .... so he is trying to force you to meet those needs so he may comfortably continue his cake-eating....

be tough, because that is the most loving thing you could do

be tough, because that is the most loving thing you could do

Your right about this Pep...... I am trying hard to be this way....

I do everything I can to aviod him... I will just have to try harder....

I have been thinking about this since this morning.

I do believe having the cell not working and the home phone not working is the maybe the best thing that could have happened.

It will be so much easier to stay dark from him and he has no idea what is happening here.

Since I do not tell my SIL anything I do he won't know anything.

I do want to say I have not talked about WH to my DD in days. I do not bring him up to either of the children. I have told both children I cannot stop you from talking to your dad but I would appreciate you not answering his questions. Well DD still answers his questions, there is not much I can do about that. So without me talking to her about him she can only tell him what she thinks she knows.

I am trying to be very dark and I feel I am doing very well at it. Yes some slip ups have occured but I am trying....

So now with no phones this should be easier for me.....

I really think that you are doing GREAT!!

It's easier for US to see things when we are not in the midst of it. That's what is so helpful about MBers..


I get so frustrated by WSes...not you, Hurting...

You are making the best of a TRAGEDY....

I'm praying and also cheering for you....

GO! HURTING! GO!!!

Thank you Mimi...

I needed to hear that.

I am trying so hard to do the right things.

I just want my H home...... Maybe that will happen , maybe not but I am doing all I can to make it happen....

I am doing well though in my own personal recovery.... I am getting so much stronger and making it on my own..... I will survive...

I agree, you are doing great!

Talk with DD about not accepting any BS (in more ways than one) talk from WH. This will cause irreparable harm to her. I have seen it firsthand... She doesn't realize it now, but she will begin to feel used, and resent WH talking about you. This will effect her relationship with her father and with you...

Reason with her to set this boundary with dad...explain to her, "DD, I know you and dad talk about me, but I can see this being harmful to you, He will use you as a sounding board and may not always say nice things about me, which is hard for you to hear. You might want to ask dad not to talk with you about me, and I will do the same, not talk about WH with you. That will help you not feel like you are in the middle. You may have to tell him this though, and be clear. I'm sure you have many other things you can talk with about him."

A WH can turn a pleasant conversation nasty quick when the BS is brought into...with their tone of voice or snide remarks. Or by talking with the kids about the M and BS they can give the kids false hope. It is far more serious than just hearing insults or putdowns from one S about another...the kids contain half the genes of both S's, so wehn one S is put down, that is like saying half of the kid is rotten too...

Still,

You make very valid points here.

I will speak to DD again. I have asked her many times nt to talk about me to her dad. The time they talk should be about him and her. She has told him she didn't want to discuss me with him but he still does it. She definatley has to restate her boundries with him.

I can say any conversations I ever had with her about her father I have never said anything bad or negative about him. She know how he has hurt me but I do not say bad things about him..... Of course I don't discuss anything about him with her anymore. She has no idea what I am thinking or have done in regards to him..... Well I take that back she does know now about the LS papers but thats because he told her. I never said a word about it.

Anyhow I will think of a way to talk to her about this... I want to be careful how I approach it...

Ok get out the 2x4's because I know I am going to get them but I have to get this off my chest..... First let me say I know I am not suppose to listen to anything that has to with WH or OW but I over heard this conversation with DD and her friend... Yes I should have walked away but once it was said I was floored and couldn't move.

First off as you all know OW has a 13 yr old D living with them. Well whenDD was with WH the other day for the funeral she had to stop by their apt so WH could get ready. OW'S D was on the phone with OW asking her what was it"DAD" was suppose to bring her. This child is now calling my childrens father DAD .... He is not her DAD... How could they allow this???? I was so floored by this I could not believe it. He does not want to be a proper dad for his kids but he can for hers????? How sick is that?

Ok bring out the 2x4's now and let me have it for listening ... DD has no idea I heard this conversation as I said nothing about it..... It breaks my heart knowing this man won't live with his own kids or do right by them but can do it for someone elses child....

They are desperate ... all of them ... and a fake "dad" is better than no dad at all ...

AND HOW HAS KNOWING THIS [censored] THIS HELPED YOU ?????


*** WHACK ***

it hasn't helped me Pep... It has just made me madder than I ever thought I could be.....

It hurts me as well..... makes me hurt to know my own DD heard this.... I can only imagine how it made her feel....

This whole mess is nothing but Sick......

Not only that but now we have a 13 yr old girl who is getting attached to a man whi is not her dad. What is going to happen to her when and if this all falls apart.... She is an innocent in all of this as well.....


I deserved that whack for sure...... knock some sense into my head ....

It made a HUGE withdrawl from your lovebank .... remember the entire purpose of Plan B is to protect what love you have left for your WH ... and you go making a deliberate withdrawl ...

*** WHACK WHACK **

Your right..... I keep screwing this whole thing up....

When will I learn????