You're doing great. Hang in there.

inanutshell,

I am trying my friend.... I am trying ......

If not for all of you keeping me sane and on the right track I probably would crumble.....

Well all has been very quiet this afternoon.

No more phone calls or anything.....

Guess WH is to busy filling out his D paperwork to worry about anything else....

At least the peace is welcome..... Weekends are really starting to be a problem here.... Always some kind of WH drama....

(((Hurting)))

I am glad you are having a more peaceful day. If it is any comfort, my H and I filled out paperwork, agreed on everything, and never filed it. It was a long separation, but it didn't lead to divorce.

I know how much it hurts to see who he has become. I just keep reminding myself of the three C's : cause, control and cure - and I don't have that power over WH.

And that's what needs to happen. You need to get to a place within yourself that his anger/rage doesn't surprise you. You need to get to a place of peace that what you are doing is in the best interest of yourself, your children and what remains of your marriage so that his illegal and provocative behavior doesn't ruffle you.

Fear that he'll leave you/divorce you/desert you/leave you penniless/homeless/damaged forever... etc... drives your attention. Guess what? If that's the worst that you fear, he's already done that. Anything else is so.... anticlimactic.

You've already survived 3 weeks longer than you previously believed you could without his support... What happens to you when you know you can take care of yourself with help from God FOREVER???

Then guess who becomes afraid?

Because his antics no longer cause you fear, pain, anxiety, etc.

Guess what? He's already afraid. Very afraid. That's why his actions are becoming desperate and mean...

He needs to face that fear and push through it. By you feeling fear, you prevent him from feeling it for himself.

Next time your daughter has a message from him, intentionally yawn, then say.... so sorry honey. That's so old news. Let's talk about you and your dreams... or whatever would be fun and courageous for you to talk about with her. She needs a breather from the drama too.

jean,

I appreciate what you are saying, but I have no doubt he will file it.

I can live with it if he does. I don't want it and I don't like it but what choice do I have but to accept it.

I still won't give up hope though.... Because I know at some point this affair will end..... And maybe we can work it out.....

Kayla,

your right he has already done to me what I fear the most.

I guess the word divorce just makes it all seem so final and makes it sound like no hope is left.

I know thats not true but it just seems that way.

I have a hard time believing he is afraid. Angry yes but afraid I am not so sure.

I had a talk with DD today. I believe we will be ok. As hard as it will be I will just pretend I don't even hear any messages he sends through her. Maybe he will get the hint and leave her out of this.....

Your right I have made it somehow through the grace of God these last weeks without much support from WH. I guess I never really looked at it that way. I will continue to make it to.... With the help of friends and family we are doing ok.

fearful
frustrated
fulloshyt

he's all F '...ed up *evil <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> grin*

I belive that anger stems from fear. Your WH is afraid. If he were not afraid, he would be thrilled that you have filed something and saved him the trouble.

I do not believe that he is only afraid of financial change, it seems that even the foggiest of the WS would have to realize that there are financial reprocussions for the wayward lifestyle.

But, I wouldn't dwell on trying to figure out what he is afraid of. Concentrate on your fears, think worse case scenario, get acceptance of that-then you have no more fear.

Then, you are operating from a position of strength while he swirls in his big ole scary tornado. And he will be made that he can't make you swirl with him-he has lost his power over you, and that is scary to him. It makes him afraid. So he gets angry and has a temper tantrum.

JEAN,

I am preparing for the worst case senario. I already know its coming.

It will be hard but I can live through it.

I talked to a couple of co-workers tonight about what WH id yesterday and they both agreed he did it out of anger and fear.

they said he is afraid now because you have taken the upper hand and wants to scare you into submission.

Well he has another thing coming that is not going to happen. If it means a D and me alone then so be it.

At least I will be happy alone , than be like him and be unhappy with someone.....

I think you are still way to focuses and caught up in the choas.........

he blows steam by threatening to sell a car that he doesn't have the title to...mights was throw in the kitchen sink with the sale...since there is no real feasible way for it to occur.......

don't let nebulous stuff get at you.....

the coming in the house especially sending the children ...is nasty..but you have taken care of things...

your repeated mantra of why is he doing this....is making you stay focuses when
one
he really isnt' doing much except calling like a child and spinning his wheels........

and you keep getting info from your mil , sil...etc..

the farther you remove yourself from the chaos...the better...
you are doing well
and doing what you must...relish and focus on that......

not on his childish ways....

ARK

Ark I know your right I have to stop focusing on his crap but its so hard when its thrown in my face everyday.

My friends funeral is today and I am not going because of him. He is going to be there I am not sure if OW is going with him. He c alled here a few mins. ago to find out from DD if I was going. Seems she told him yesterday I said I was not going to go because he would be there. So he told her he would come by and pick her up to go. So see I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I told her she should have never told him that. The thing is I never really said to her why I was not going, I said to her I was not sure because it was just to much for me to handle right now and she put her own spin on it to him. So now he thinks I am afraid to be around him . It has nothing to do with fear it has to do with my own emotional health of being around him.

This is all so frustrating, I hate it.....

don't concern yourself what others speak for you........
the TRUTH is it's all gossip..
he had no real IDEA about the truth..........
what's in your heart...

let him spin and simmer in his own chaos.....
you spoke yours in your plan B letter...
you said all that needed to be said to the man until he chooses no contact.........

all this other stuff is what keeps you spinning.........

you should go to the funeral for your friend for you and your friend..........period..

go late sneak in the back.....
leave early..........

my worry is that you are also spending time involving your children...on what they said ...or did

I think they are going to feel very much in the middle of this..............
even when that is not your intention...............
even when they put themselves their..
it is an honest connection between the two of you for them..

your children should not live in fear of saying anything wrong to him or you...........even when they choose that route

so don't ask them what they told them..
don't react to what they told them..
when they offer information...
tell them that you are not focused on him...

and nothing to talk about until he goes no contact with the OW....

don't lay your burdon of not being able to handle on their shoulders...that will upset and scare them......

find a loving mantra....
let them know that they don't have to speak for you at all ever.....

but also that no matter what they do say......it is OK....

hurting you are doing well...
and he is escalating his chaos..
roll with it...

his whole speach about not having sex with her..is laughable, pathetic...but more importantly meaningless information...

and you let it get to you.......
don't my friend.............

ARK

Ark,

You are so right in all you just said.

I don't ask the kids what he says. My DD voluteers the info. I did tell her I when she started yesterday I don't want ot hear it.

When she told me of the no sex thing, I laughed about it. And just said yeah right and walked off.

Yeah it bothered me but I didn't let DD know that. I don't ask DS anything the only thing I said to him was about how wrong it was for him to come throuh the window for his father.

I try hard not to react to what they say he says but sometimes it just happens. I do my best not say anything to them about him. I have reacted to some things because they hurt so much and later regret the reaction.

I will try harder not to react.

thank you for your wise words..... I am trying really hard here to not have contact and I f eel I am doing w ell with it. But I know DD tells him everything I do or say no matter how meaningless... So I know he knows everything that goes on good or bad.

[color:"red"]HE DOESN'T KNOW WHICH WAY IS UP.... HE DON'T KNOW A THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [/color]

Thrive in the light.........hurting...you are walking the thin and narrow.........be steadfast....

pray for Grace..
KNOW GRACE

Godspeed in your journey..

ARK

Thank you Ark.......

Just talked to my attorney office.

They said do not give him the car. He can not take it from me. If he tries call the police. In a way I don't expect him to try. I think that something he used to get me to call him. Also said he can't take the pets from me without a court order... I told them about his claim of no sex and that he is looking for a place to move into. They think he is trying to make himself look good now. But it won't work he has been living with OW to long to look good now....

They are documenting the fact he had DS go through a windwo. Not much can be done since he was not served but it will look bad in court to have had his son do this.

They said even if he files D. My LS papers take precident over that since they were filed first. And he would have to counter claim for Divorce.

Called the process server and the man had already gone out for the day. I was telling them I knew he was in town and where he was but they can't get hold of the man who serves, so looks like it will be this weekend. But they did say he will start friday night ad try all weekend until they get him... Even if they have to do it on sunday.... So thats a relief he should get them this weekend for sure.. They told me if I could have called earlierthis morning it could have been done today... I had no idea where WH was though up until about 30 mins ago....


Why does this have to be so difficult? I just wanna say to WH you messed up take it like a man ......

(((Hurting))))
You've had a crazy weekend. Your WH is SO attached to you he hates it...he can't help it. He was having another tempertantrum trying to get your attention. I did chuckle when you said he told your DD not to give you his cell #. He is dying for you to call him. I bet OW is just loving all this. He is spending every waking moment figuring out how to get a rise out of you. I seriously doubt HE will fill out papers for D. OW might try to do it for him. LOL!! But I don't think so. I think they want you to just stop...they were having so much more fun when they were sneaking around. You are ruining all the A fun!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You have been doing a great job with plan B and protecting your family. You are a strong woman. WH knows this. You should know it too.

I know this is not fun and games for you. You and your family have been in my prayers. I hope you have some peace today and are comforted by good memories of your friend.

Confused,

I have to tell you its funny about the cell number. He told DD not to give it to me , but then he turns around about an hour later and calls my cell and leaves a VM, so now I have his cell number... If he didn't want me to have it why call me from it?

I have a hard time believing he is attached to me. I just feel like he wants to make me scared and back down.

Get this he is taking DD to our friends funeral with him and I assume OW is going to but anyway. He was going to come by the house to pick her up. Well he called he cell about 40 mins ago and asked her do you think your mom could bring you to Home Depot in about 30 mins. I will pick up from there. This is were OW works also. So DD gets off the phone and asks me ... I told her I don't think so. Home Depot is only a few blocks from our house. She said thats ok I will walk. If he thinks I was going to bring her there and run into him he is nuts. He could have just as easily stopped by here and honked for her.

But then again if OW is with him he won't come by here.... He has never brought her around my home, good thing too.

As far as D papers I have no idea. But I am preparing myself for them..... We will see....

Hurting:

Sounds like you need to INSULATE yourself from your entire family...

Build a cocoon around yourself...

I like the idea of the earplugs...

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING...I CAN'T HEAR YOU.."

They all, including your children, seem to feel that they can MANIPULATE you...

Let that be the SAVING GRACE of this for YOU:

NO LONGER ALLOW OTHERS TO MANIPULATE YOU....

The nerve of your H and daughter trying to set you up by asking you to drive her to Home Depot for the "funeral pickup"...