Lady,

I hope I have.... I feel like this has just pushed him to prove to me he is doing the right thing.

I think that no matter what now even if he is doubting himself he will never turn back just to prove a point.

Orchid,

I know your right. He has done nothing to show he is being a good parent or H. He has done so many things thats going to make him look bad to a judge. I don't really think he has realized just how bad he is going to look.

I hope the judge slams him a good one, maybe it will penetrate some of the fog and at least get him thinking. I pray so anyay....

Thank all of you for being so supportive.....

Well if that is what he is thinking....it's WH delusional craziness.

I think court may be his bottom Hurting....anyway I hope so.

He isn't going to prove anything to anyone except how he is an adulterer, and has neglected his family. I don't think he is going to prove to the court or anyone that he is doing the right thing. I have a feeling your lawyer is going to do a great job for you. He will paint the picture of WH actions in a way you never dreamed possible. Be confident of that. It's time for Tough Love WH!!!!!

Lady

Lady,

I hope your right. I don't think a judge will fall for his antics bt who knows.

My mom keeps telling me to be prepared for the lies he is going to spout in court. I just can't imagine what he will come up with. So I am trying to get ready for anything...

hey Oklahoma



i too feel most sad about the fact that my h never tried to save our marriage.

as though all those years, as though we were, a mistake.

but we've got to keep in mind what Jennifer said to me;

that they have to change their values and thier beliefs that they ever loved us or they have to change their behavior which means leaving OW. right now the feelings they have about OW are making them change their values but when their feelings for ow change, they will change their behavior.

AND IT WILL HAPPEN!!

the question always is....will it be too late for you because 1. he''s already divorced you and you won't take him back after that (that's it for me) or 2. you don't feel love for H anymore and don't want him back

let's just face it....they are acting like idiots

I agree Eav, they are acting like idiots.....

Hurting -

What kind of lies do you think he might tell in court??

Breath a big sigh of relief for now. He has finally been served. Let your lawyer help you and direct you with all of this. It is so way past time for you to get some financial support here.

I hope your lawyer is agreeable to DS coming home.....

Hugs!!

Kim

Kim,

I have no idea what he may try and come up with.

I do believe he will try and use DS staying with SIL against me. But there were good reasons for that. One thing for sure he can't say I am not a fit mother if that was the case why did he stay with me and raise the other 2 to adult hood. I am not perfect and maybe sometimes I didn't do everything right but I raised these kids pretty mcuh by myself while he was on the road for so many years.

I am just trying to prepare myself for anything......
I don't trust anything about him right now....

I'm glad your WH finally took the papers. What a jerk to think that he could keep avoiding them. I wouldn't worry about DS not living with you right now hurting your case. You sent him away for very good reasons that you and your WH agreed upon. A big consideration that you could use if things get weird is the financial situation your WH left you in. Teenage boys eat ALOT. You've barely been able to survive yourself, let alone feed a ravenous teenager. You've also been living in a house with no heat. Who could possibly blame you for not wanting your son to live in those conditions.

Chin up, Ok, I think you're doing pretty well. How's that knee?

GG,

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes I jut sat here and added all the money up he has given me since he left in July and it amounts to 2214.00 which breaks down into right at 400.00 a month.... and to think I have only gotten two paychecks myself. So that shows right there I could not afford to care for DS. or pay all of the bills. I have all my bank statement shwoing the transfers so he can't dispute it at all. I even added in the money he gave me in cash.

I can't believe he thinks we could live on that.... I am going to have all my bills along with that so the judge can see how bad it is....
I have all the disconnect notices and the one showing the gas being turned off. So not a whole lot he can say about it.... I hope this judge makes him pay good..... I need some kind of relief here.....

Hurting,
Don't pay any attention to what your WH SAYS...he's been saying a lot of stuff over the past few months that he hasn't backed up with actions.

Stick with your Plan B.

About that knee...you probably should have it checked out. Just tell your supervisor at work that you think it needs to be looked at by a doctor. Your employer will pay for the doctor, but may want you to go to a doctor they choose. As for losing income due to your knee injury, workman's comp should pay you for your time missed from work.

Lady Clueless,

I am sticking with planb. I just could not face him if I wanted to. Between anger and being hurt I would just LB all over the place right now.

Its going to be hard enough to have to be in court with him on Dec.9 I just hope I can hold up during it all.

I still can't figure out why I still love him and want to save this marriage after all of this. Maybe I'm just a fool to believe he can be the man he used to be and be better than before. I really do believe he is lost and does not realize what he has done.... Maybe I am as fogged out as he is.... But something in me says don't give up .....

As far as the knee goes if it still is swollen tomorrow I will go to the dr. It is not as bad as it was earlier since i have been staying off of it.... thanks for the concern I appreciate it...

here it is 3 am and i can't sleep. I have tossed and turned for the last 3 hours. My mind won't shut off.

I keep playing the past 24 yrs in my mind, looking for reasons and trying to see were things went wrong. I can't find it. I see the things of the past 2 years that caused stress for both of us in our lives, I see how I held so much in and turned inward to myself. I see now how my depression made him feel unloved. I remember talking to him and pouring my feelings out. I also remember how I stopped talking to him because I felt I was burdening him with it all.

Oh how I wished he had told me how he was feeling, believe me I would have done everything in my power to get help for us and myself to make things right. I know that no matter what the way he handled it was wrong. An affair is no way to fix your life or problems.

As I think back over all of the years and all of the hard times of no jobs, some of the stupid things he did that got him in trouble with the law how I stood by him and loved him. There were many times no one would have blamed me for walking away but I didn't I held on because I knew he would become a man of honor and he did.

The years I raised our children by myself so he could follow his dream of being a truck driver and I was faithful and kept the home going alone. Living with seeing him only a few days a month until just about 4 yrs ago. then it became weekends he was home. I never once strayed or even thought about it.

The one time in my life I have a problem and he could not stand by me or forgive it. I have forgiven him many things that were much worse than being depressed.

I do wonder how someone can live with themselves for doing what he has done to our family. How can you walk out after 24 yrs. and just not care and not feel some sense of resoposbility to your wife and children.

How do you just stop loving someone so easy? I wish I could stop loving so easy then I would not be hurting so bad.

So now here I sit waiting to become a single parent while he makes a life with someone else. A life that I should have and did have after all the sacrafices I made over so many years. I was a good wife, not perfect by no means but a good wife and I don't deserve to be thrown out like last weeks newspaper.

I wish I knew what to say or do to make things better but it seems nothing I have said or done makes any difference anymore. The best I can hope for now is that someday he will see just what he has done and realize the mistake he has made. I have to try and nove on with life and bury the pain I feel. I wish I knew how.

I'm scared of going to court and having to face him because I know my heart will be on my sleeve and I don't want to fall apart in front of him. Tell me how can I show a strong front and confidence but yet let him know I do still care? How can I let him know the door is still cracked open but it won't be forever?

I do believe in my heart that the affair will die a death in time. I pray it does anyway. I hope when it does I still have it in me to want him. I know she is not any better than me and I would almost be willing to bet she would never stand by him like i have. Why can't he see that?

I know I am just rambling on and on here but I just need to get this all out before I go crazy. I am preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I believe D papers will be coming soon. Like my mom told me earlier this evening , so what if they do BS they are only papers means nothing in the end if he wakes up. My mom says going to court and seeing all that is involved and what he is going to lose will be a dose of reality for him. maybe so but something tells me he will forge ahead anyway just to prove to all of us he is right in what he has done. I believe he would live in misery before he admits any wrong doing. He is going to really have to crash hard to get it. That could take a good long time.

Well I am going to try and go back to sleep now.... Maybe getting all of this out has helped.

U R thinking too hard. Attempting to rationalize the illogic aroudn you. It won't work. You feel you must try but know in advance that illogic is never rational. They are on 2 opposite ends of the spectrum.

Now go get some rest. I need to also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

g'nite,
L.

ust had a talk with DS. Seems his dad told him yesterday about the supervised visitation in the papers.. DS was upset about it as well. He asked me why does someone have to be with him and his dad.

I explained to him that was standard in the papers and I have no problem him seeing his dad anytime he wants to. I did tell him the only thing I won't approve of or allow right now is over night at OW'S apt. I told him even though is is 15 yrs old he does not need to be exposed to his father sleeping with another woman while he is still married. He said he understood and does not want to be out there at night anyway. He was upset though because he thought he would not be able to go with his dad on the road, I told him he can go with his dad I have no problem with that.

This is what I was afraid would happen, WH instead of waiting for court would start spouting stuff to DS about visitation. Well I think I have it nipped in the bud DS understand where I stand on it now.

Pretty funny how out of everything in those papers this is the only thing WH seemes to be concerned about. SIL said all he talked about was the visitation part. WEll at least I know he still loves his son and wants to spend time with him. And thats a good thing.

I knew your WH was gonna have DS all upset over that issue. I'm glad you cleared it up for him. Yikes!!

As for your middle of the night post. I can't believe you you only seen him 4 days out of the month. Hurting, I don't want to upset you, but do you think he ever cheated while he was OTR during those years?

And during your times of depression, he should have been there for you. After so many years of giving to him so he could have his "dream", well where was his dream with his family? Some people are just so selfish. Raising children by yourself is hard work, and the teen years are the hardest I believe. I went through depression a lot when my OD was a teen, she was a handful, and no help from her dad at all. In fact he enable her in a bad way alot of times, which made it harder. It was 5 years of such chaos with her, she was on a road of destruction fast (drugs, running, jail, in court multitudes of times) and I was doing everything I could to stop her. I was taking AD's, and some days I just couldn't function. Thank God those days are over!!

Hurting.... I think you gave and forgave for so many years, and really didn't get a whole lot in return, no wonder why you got depressed. God did not give you a H to become a martyr, and sacrifice your whole life for him the way you did. And in the end him treat you this way. He has really had a spoiled rotten life these past years. Only needing to father the children a few days a month, and the rest of the time pretty much doing what he wanted.

Lady

maybe I am wrong but I feel I need to let WH know about this visitation thing and my feelings on it. So I have written him a letter explaining my feelings. I am going to post it and please give me some feed back:

WH,

I just wanted to let you know that I have no problem with you seeing DS at anytime you want. I would never keep him from you, he is your son and loves you very much. the only thing I have requested is that there be no over night visitation as long as you are living with OW and we are
married.

Even though you feel you have moved on we are still married for now . I don't want DS exposedto your affair in that way. He does not need to see his father going to bed with another woman.It is wrong and I do not approve of it.

I wonder how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you apporve of DS beingwith me overnight and watching me go to bed with another man? How do you think that would affect him?

I often wonder how you would feel if all of this was turned the other way around. If I had done to you what you have done to our family. But that neither here nor there because I would have never done it. I have always said if you made me unhappy I would have walked away the right way. I could
never imagine putting you through all of this pain and hurt.

For now all I ask is that you see DS whenever you can and enjoy your time with him. But no overnight visits. We can let the court decide if its proper or not. I know you love our childrenand would never ask any of them not to see you or spend time with you. How the two older ones choose to do that is up to them. But for now as his mother I do have some say overDS as he is still a minor and already having a hard time dealing with all of this and I see no reason to make things harder for him or confuse him even more.

Take Care of yourself.

Love,
BS

Now what I need to know is should I send this to him or not? I think he needs to know how I feel about this.

Lady,

No I don't think he cheated while he was OTR. All of those years were hard at times. But I also went on the road a lot with him. Once I learned to drive and got my CDL we were together over the summers driving. The children stayed with grandma.

About 7 years ago he had a job were he was home every weekend and once in a while he came through about one night a week. He was always so happy to be home and we enjoyed each other very much. Then he came off the road about 4 yrs ago and had a local job and was home everyday. He came off the road for me because the kids were becoming teens and it was hard for me.

but during their early years it was me by myself with him only home 4 or 5 days a month. I have never worried about him cheating during all of this. We talked everyday on the phone and when he came home it was wonderful. So I don't think he did.

I don't want anyone to think that my life was bad because it wasn't it. I know my H loved me and did everything he could for me and the children. He worked hard and he still does. He wanted a nice home for us and nice things. He loved his job but he missed beng with us as well. It was always just as hard on him to leave as it was for us to watch him leave. I would not change anything about it even the hard times because they made me the person I am today.

I became independant and took care of everything here. I have fixed many things in my home from water pipes to the stove hood. So I have had to do it by myself and can do it. So my wanting him home has nothing to do with being alone or needing a man to do things. It has to do with Love and commitment to him and our marriage.

I see now that I am the only one in this marriage who feels this way at this time. Maybe I will from now be the only one who feels it.

Anyway I will take it as it comes. And deal the best way I can ......

Hurting
Hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep your head held high you are a strong woman and will make it!!!
WOTL

No Hurting...It's good you wrote the letter, but do not send it. Your lawyer will explain everything in court.

Let H stew over this for a while. You don't need to explain anything to him. This is why you have a lawyer to speak for you.

Remember he is the one who left you and the children for his affair. Remember he left you broke and without gas in your own home. Do not trust him with your feelings right now!!

Lady