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Hurting,

I hope you feel better. I've gotta get some housework done.
I hope you have a good night at work.


Love, Lady

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Hurting:

I didn't read the past many posts throughly, but enough to say what are you doing? This is nothing new. WORDS, WORDS, WORDS. No action. Do not engage him. It's really pi** poor that he is using DD to tell you things about a supposed impending D. What a crock of you know what. STOP now. You are in Plan B.

Mimi is right. WH is doing nothing out of the ordinary. You can bet he is receiving lots of LBng from OW and lots of pressure.

There aren't any tools that are in his shop? Particlarly power tools are worth $$$ if they're in decent shape. A good set of wrenches. Hand tools such as that clean up good with a bit of elbow grease and rust remover stuff.

Hang in there and don't panic.

Last edited by inanutshell; 10/15/05 06:01 PM.

BS/47 FWH/42 Married 22 yrs Kids - S30,SD23,SS22 OC Born - 09/08/04 C with OC - SS It's an UPHILL CLIMB
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yeah the power tools are all in fine shape ....

I know him putting DD in the middle is wrong but I am not going to communicate anything about a D with her. So if she has no answers for him , then he will figure out not to ask the questions....

I have to agree I think OW is really putting the screws to him right now..... We shall see ....


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Hurting

I am a guy and I am going to jump in the middle of this because I understand (and don't alway like) guys.

Mimi is right. He is playing head games and you are falling for it because your world is coming apart, which is the best reason in the world. He has just emotionally raped your emotions and he is continuing to do it.

The first thing you have to do is stop worrying about what he is doing and START worrying about what you are doing. You have to have a plan and you don't have a plan until you start to make one.

1. First thing Monday, call social services and tell them that your husband has abandoned you. Tell them you have children and need help.

You need counseling
You need legal advice
Your husband has left you with NO money
You work but will not get paid until the 25th

2. In other words, turn it over to the professionals. Your sit is what they get PAID to handle. Yea, they are probably burned out from seeing the cruel things that go on with life, but they still have a job to do and they will do it.

3. If that doesn't work, there are other private NO CHARGE social agencies in your town that can help. Start looking for help with eating and taking care of the children. I live in a small town and I personally know of three agencies who help women in your situation.

Start taking notes. Some of the ones you have made here will help you.

He wants the list because he intends to divide everything as close to his favor as he can. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH. IN FACT DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS. CUT ALL CONTACT! If you have a friend who will be the conduit, ask the friend to do it. DON'T LET THE KIDS DO IT. He will use them like toilet paper while he is in the fog. He is out of his cotten picking mind.

Guys who are in the FOG can turn into entitlement jerks who will jerk their children, use their children, anything and everything to justify their baloney. And it is baloney. He has lost his manhood and heaven only knows when he will get it back. Probably never if the OW has anything to do with it.

HE IS NOT THE SAME MAN YOU MARRIED. You may or may not get that man back. Meantime, protect yourself. Protect your children. He has raped your emotions and continues to do so as long as he gets free rent in your brain.

Your world is NOT coming to an end, only one part of it and you will go on with life and you will be happy. The pain will stop some day and you will be happy.

Your "hubby" needs a swift kick and a 2X4 across his head and agencies are often the ones who can do it - or help you do it. Some of the even have hot lines you can call over the weekend.

Get help. Get professional help. Be guided by the professional help that is out there are ready and willing to help you. Don't be a doormat or let that guy have free rent in your mind and control you that way.

Take charge of your life.

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Larry,

I do appreciate your advice. I have been to social services and they can only do so much. yes they can go after him for CS but then they only give me 289.oo a month and want any other money I get turned into them .... So thats not going to work for me.

I have called almost every attorney here in town same respose from all ... sorry for your situation but without upfront money I can't help you.. Legal aid won't take the case either because they don't do many family cases. So I have been trying to get some help. I do have a call in to an attorney a friend of mine used and she feels he may help me. I will talk to him monday....

I am already in IC. So thats not a problem and its been a big help.

As far as the list thing goes I have thought about it today and realzied he is more than likly bluffing me. My reason for saying that is this attorney is our family attorney who has done work for us before and WH's mother who has now pretty much disowned him because of this saw the attorney last month dealing with our house issue. Anyhow he said WH had talked to him and he pretty much blew him off. He said he woould not represent him due to the fact he felt it would be a conflict of interest because he knows me as well... Now WH drive OTR all week and is only in town on weekends. So when he has has time to see an attorney I can't imagine. So I can't imagine this attorney has changed his mind. He may have but I doubt it.

I also know for a fact he does not need a list to file anything. Once he files maybe a list would be something an attorney would want but not just to file ... Whats even funnier is all he said for the list was just put my personal stuff I want on it not household stuff. Well the more I thought about it I came to realzie whoa wait a minute if he can get a list from with just my personal stuff on it he can argue that I said thats all I want and he can try and take the rest. Well one thing for sure I am not stupid enough to make any list for him.... I am not giving him or signing anything without some kind of legal advice... He is not going to push me into anything I don't want.

I do know my H pretty well and I know that a lot of these things he is asking for are things he would have never thought of without someone telling him. I don't mean he is stupid or anything but I always handled everything like this in our marriage and that was because he was on the road for most of our marriage and i had to. So I truly believe OW is putting these things in his head and has now told him he has so lon to prove something to her... I also think if I gave him a list he could show it to her and say See I am doing something.... Now I could be all wrong but my gut tells me something different. Only time will tell.

I also believe he is now getting mad because I won't allow him to cake-eat no more and have cut off all communications with him and of course SF. So now he is trying to get me to break , because he knows I love him and want him home. I think he feels i am so weak at this point I will agree to anything. Well he is wrong, that ain't gonna happen.

So yes I am taking everyones advice and I will find some help somewhere but in the meantime I will not break or allow him to scare me into allowing him to take advantage.

I have the most awesome MIL she is making sure we have food to eat and is helping out she can. So things will be work out one way or another. Because I do believe one day WH will realzie what he has done and will have to face this. Maybe when this happens I will still be willing to take him back or maybe not. But I will be ok eithr way and so will the kids.... He wll have to live with this the rest of his life, I will to but I will not have regrets or guilt to live with....

Again ty for your insight I appreciate it...

Hurting


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Hurting,

I agree with everyone else. I have done an initial consult with a lawyer and the satck of paperwork is large of info they want. They have asked for the closing papers on the house, all the debt info (acct# and bal) cars and property info, it is alot of paperwork. There is one small section on house contents, but I would think there is more pertinent info that your WH would need.

Would he be able to list your debts? Does he have all the mortgage info? Does he know your kids SSN#'s. I know that my WH doesn't, so it will take him plenty of time to get that info, and it is in this house and I see no reason to make it easy on him.

I know very little about social services, but I would not think they would look kindly on a man leaving his wife and child without utility or grocery $$. In my state, I think anything the state gives you, they will try to get back from the absentee parent.

Do you have much debt? Can you call your creditors and ask them to let you pay interest only until this legal mess gets straightened out?

Never let them see you sweat.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
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I agree Jean he has none of that information.. He may have the kids SS# only due to the fact he put them on his life insurance.

We have no mortage though we were buying the house from his mom and until it was paid for the hosue stayed in her name so nope thats not a problem . We have no credit cards or really any debt but one loan and my student loan....

We have the basic utilites and that is about it... I have all the vehicle information he does not have titles to either one and I have all the tax information... He has nothing believe me .... He knows the bank account numbers but not much in those either. We have no savings accounts. I have the information on his 401 K not him..... So actually there is not much to be had.

So anything he may need is here with me. And I have no intention of giving him anything without it being requested by a judge or lawyer.... So thats why I do believe he is bluffing to some extent. I am not saying he won't file but I would think most of the stuff including household list would not even be needed until after filing. We shall see thats all I can say....


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Ok Hurting

If I may (it helps me too):

What are you scared of? Is it being homeless, having a home without electricity, not being able to feed yourself and your kids? Is it losing your hope for your marriage?

Let's look at your fears, make a plan and let it go.

A few weeks ago, I listed all my priorities. It helped me when making decisions. I know all the bad stuff that could happen-I am pretty sure that my WH will try the same trick your WH is trying now. It would stink, but I am not scared of it. I have no idea where I will be in a year-but I know I will be OK.

A few years ago, I was driving down the road with my kids in the car with their toys and clothes. I had spent my last $46.00 on groceries. I was going to live on a farm taking care of chickens for free rent from a total stranger. That situation turned out to be such a blessing for me and my children. We made invaluable friends and my kids got to learn about chickens! I learned how to herd geese!

I just wept all the way up there wondering what in the world would become of us. But, we did OK, it was a great experience. But, I was in that situation due to my own poor choices. Now, I may be facing big standard of living changes by no fault of my own. But just because I have a standard of living change does not mean that I will have a negative quality of life change. The house and the stuff is way down on my list of priorities.

My WH was once "something he did" and we could have moved on past it. If he has decided it is who he is now, than I can chose to not go down that path with him. I need a person with honor and integrity, I am sad that my H is not that person anymore, but it is what it is. I have my honor and integrity today.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
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I am not affraid of losing my home that won't happen. I am not affraid of not haing electricity or any of that. I can get help with that through friends and family.
to be honest I am not afraid of being alone, I am used to that in a way due to him being on the road for so many years.

Ithink my biggest fear is that I will lose all hope and love for my WH more than anything else. The other stuff will work its self out that I know.... I am a strong person and I wll make it through all of this.

I won't describe it so much as fear but just the thought of thi woman being involved with my children and grandchildren send chills down my back. I know this woman have known her for about 4 yrs and I know what kiind of person she is. She is a user and always has been. She is a tramp and I do mean that, I have seen the realtionships she has been in as well as WH has seen them... Thats why I know what she is about.... So its not like its a stranger to me that I don't know anything about.... I know she will use WH and when she is done she will toss him aside like she has done the others I have seen it. Ok so maybe he does deserve that now but he is still my H and I do know who he was and who he can be again if he wants to be.

So the answer to your questions are the fear of losing my marriage is my biggest one because the other things I can handle with prayer and help from my friends and family if I need to do it.....


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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i'm so very sorry your husband is putting you through this

my thoughts and prayers are with you

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Thank you Eav.... everyones kindness means alot to me ...


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138
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i understand the feeling of having to think about dividing up your things, your memories, your life...

my husband started out with 6 pages of things that he wanted....i told him he could have them if the judge gave then to him when we were divorced and until then everything was staying in the house...well that was LAST Oct over a year ago, we're still not divorced....he wanted "something to put in hnis new place" so he cut the list down to one page and signed a statement that we had divided all of our personal property


as it turns out...all the stuff i got doesn't matter because what i want is him

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Well I am not making any lists or anything.... He will just have to wait it out. When and if he files and it goes in front of a judge is when he will get what the judge tells him....

I am not going to sit around and worry about for sure...


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138
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(sorry if this has been suggested and answered, i haven't ready every post on your thread)

can you find a lawyer that would be willing to represent you on the basis that your H is at fault and it should be requested that he be responsible for your legal fees?

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Well, what can I say? During this day I have seen a change in your posts. Congratulations. You are on the road to happiness. I can feel it.

I am a man. But sometimes I hate males. But I am an equal opportunity basher. Some women aren't worth the power to blow their brains (?) out.

What ever happened to "do the right thing?" If a male is a man, that is what makes him the man. A male cannot claim to be a man unless his honor system always makes him do the right thing. And if he screws up and does the wrong thing, he has to, as fast as possible, do the right thing(s).

At the same time, it can take a 2X4 and horrible mistakes to make a male into a man. For your sake, I hope this one is the one for your guy. I really do.

$289 seems to be a bit on the down side of not much. did they offer counseling? did they offer any help with legal issues? does hubby have any property in the house you can sell to raise lawyer money? (grin)

Whatever happens to you, this is your crucible of fire and you will be stronger for it, I can feel it in your posts.

Does your husband know your daughter is posting here? That would drive me nuts. It would make me so ashamed that I would just go hide. It just goes to show you how the emotions of an affair are like crack or herion that a person can lose all of their minds and values even with the kids are crying out for help.

What a jewel. I am sure you are very proud of her.

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((( HIO )))

I am following your thread and praying for you every day. You WILL make it. You ARE getting stronger, I am sure you can see this in you now.

I will give you the same advice my divorce atty (years ago) gave to me - (which is quite funny, kinda like the pot calling the kettle black)

Don't let the ****** get you down !!

HIO, we are all routing for you and are here for you. You WILL make it. Trust me on this.

And, I too, believe that your WH, well H, will be back to the marriage. He just has to do this in his own time.

Best regards - carnation

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Well first off let me say thank you to everyone who was here yesterday to support my little break down. You have no idea what that meant to me.

Mimi and Lady you 2 were my rock yesterday and I will be forever grateful.

Larry you amaze me with your words. Your support and what you said gave me a lot to think about. No my WH has no idea my daughter also posts on here. In fact he has no idea I do. Maybe one day when /if we get to the recovery stage I will let him see all of this if he so chooses. And yes I am very proud of my daughter. She has been here for me through all of this. Sometimes she gets her mouth running a little to much to WH but she has learned how he is being now and pretty much stays quiet with him.

Carnation thank you for the kind words. I do feel I am getting stronger but for some reason that d word puts me in a tailspin and meltdown for a little while.

It amazes me how so many of you still feel he will come home at some point in time. I guess maybe you all see things I don't since i am so close to the situation. Thank all of you for your support and for helping me keep my head above the water. I pray everyday that he will come home and come out of the fog.

I wish I could thank all of you personally and just let you know what you mean to me. My friends .....


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 28
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Hurting: I am an attorney in Kansas. OK - I'm a real estate attorney, not family law, and even they are not all scumbags. Here is my idea on where to get the money to get a lawyer. If you own your car outright, you can probably get a loan on it that may cover the initial retainer for the lawyer. Also, does your husband have any electronics, sporting goods (shotguns, rifles, fishing equipment, bowling balls)? Do you have any jewelry? Furniture? You may have to sell that stuff to get money for the lawyer. I know it is really, really terrible. Could you borrow the money from your mother or anyone? After you get the attorney, and you get some temporary support, you can pay it back. You gotta get your H's attention and trust me, until he sees that you aren't going to just let him jerk you around, and he actually has to PAY to play he'll just keep this up until OW gets tired of him or he gets tired of her. Meanwhile, you'll be sitting in the dark. Do what you have to do.

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Hurting...

Yea, you had a breakdown yesterday. I didn't want to call it that at the time. My wife at DDay did the same thing. It is what kept me sane and allowed me to help her instead of focusing on my own feelings of rage.

But as the day went on, you started getting your head screwed on straight and you found help from an amazing source; your daughter. That one is a rock and a special attachment that will be a part of both your lives for so long as you both shall live. She said "Mama, I love you" in a way that melted my heart.

Now on the subject of "Hubby;" this can also be his crucible of fire. It depends on the guy. Critters can get their hooks in real deep. The words that need to be beat into his head at the point in time where he is vulnerable to accepting them (assuming that day comes), is

DO THE RIGHT THING IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY YOU ARE A MAN. YOU ARE NOT A MAN IF YOU DON'T DO THE RIGHT THING.

Every man wants to think of himself as a man. Male entitlement issues often cause a male to think of himself as a man because he gets some strange or fantasizes over images on a web site. And of course neither of those is about being a man, they are about giving in to the dark side of being male - entitlement.

You have some thinking to do. If you get him back, are you going to be able to both meet his needs and stay strong within yourself? Are you going to be able to forgive and forget, provided of course that he is remorseful and that he decides to change himself to bond with you and the family in ways that are permanent.

He does this by finding his lost manhood. How are you going to handle it if he does?

Meantime, it is all about you and all about the family you have left, including your MIL, who seems a good person.

Take care.

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kanasas,

first off let me thank you for your respose. Actually the car is in WH's name right now so I can't use it. Secondly he does have guns but they are not here, he took them to his sisters. But I could not seel those seeing how they are from his decesed father and my MIL would never allow it. Jewlry I have no expensive jewlry except my wedding ring and I wll not sell that. He has no sporting equipment he is not that much into sports but bowling and he has all of that stuff. Not to worry I will figure something out here.

Larry as for your questions you ask some very good ones. I will try to answer them for you.
_________________________________________________________

You have some thinking to do. If you get him back, are you going to be able to both meet his needs and stay strong within yourself? Are you going to be able to forgive and forget, provided of course that he is remorseful and that he decides to change himself to bond with you and the family in ways that are permanent.
___________________________________________________________

Yes I know I can meet his needs I has always met them before this. It was due to my own depression that I stopped meeting them. Yes, I know I can stay strong as I am getting stronger everyday now. I go to IC so that is helping me become stronger.

Forgive , yes I can do that as well. Forget , well I know I will never forget it who could, but I also know I am not one to throw it in his face either. We had other things happen in our marriage years ago (not an A) that I have forgiven him for and I do not throw it in his face.

When /if he finds his manhood I will be able to handle that as well because thats what I want him to do. He was at one time a very honorable and loving man before all of the issues of the last few yrs. I know he can be that man again I have faith he can.

maybe everyone thinks i am a fool for wanting my WH back after all of the things he has done in the last few months. He has done so very horriable things just in the last few weeks. But I am smart enough to know this is not the man he really is/was. Maybe now it really is who he has become and maybe he will be this way forever I have no idea. But I do know if this is the real him now and he stays this way then we don't stand a chance and I know that.

I am not so stupid as to sit here and wait forever for someone who will never have regrets or want to be with me. But for now I am not willing to give up. I do believe this A will end and he will see the devestation he has caused. I am doing ok in waiting for now and i am getting on with life. I don't sit and cry all the time I go to work and get up everyday and do what I have to. I know in time if this is not resolved I will move on without him and I can live with that also. I am not interested in looking for anyone else or any R. So up until the time I may be ready for that or he moves on with OW in a marriage I will continue to hold out hope.

I hope I answered your questions.


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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