Lady,

I am doing ok.

DD talked to him last night and asked him to come by and see her today before he leaves. He said he might so I have no clue.

As they were talking she said he keeps asking her questions about me. She said she told him I was upset yesterday after seeing him. His respose was "Oh, well." I told her she should have never told him that. I really am getting the feeling he does not care anymore about me at all. It hurts so much to think he feels this way.

I had always told him that if anything ever happened between us I would move back to Virgina to be with my family, Now he is questioning the kids about me moving. He asked her if I have said anything about moving. She told him I said something aboutit but have not decied. See when all of this first started he asked me if I was going to do it and I told him I didn't know. It seems to me he is really trying to see if I will go. In a way I think he wants me to because it would make life easier f or him with me gone from here and 1400 miles away. With me within arms reach its just to much for him to deal with I guess. I can't understand why he would care what I do if he dvorces me. If I ever decide to do that it would still be a long ways down the road anyway. It just makes me want to dig my heels in and stay here just to make him sweat. Wh does he want me to leave so bad?

Anyhow I asked both kids last night to please have no conversations about me with their dad. Like I told them I don't question anyone about his life nor do I ask. So he does not need to ask about mine. they both agreed not to talk to him about me. DS will follow my wishes but DD will probably slip up.

I am feeling a little down because I just feel like he really does not care anymore. So I guess I just neednot worry about it anymore and just planb for my own sanity and move on. I am beginning to think it is done with us. I now have to work on me so I can be happy. I still will not file the divorce he is going to have to do it. I never thought my life would be like this.....

Yeah, you really don't need the children telling WH how you feel about anything, that is what he wants. I'm sure he knew you was upset anyway just the way you ran out of the bowling alley. I wish you could get a message to him to stop trying to pry what your plans are out of the children because it is wrong and emotionally abusive to do that to them. It's none of his business any longer what your plans are. You may have to keep all feelings to yourself as far as DD goes (as difficult as it may be), because she vulnerable to telling him everything. It's hard to keep quiet at her age. And she certainly didn't need to hear the "Oh well" out of his mouth. That really is upsetting. Maybe it's best she doesn't see him if those are the kindof things he does and says to her. You know it is sick, she begs to see him, and all he does is upset her and question her about you.

Your WH is one who likes being chased by women, and you are no longer chasing him, and now he wants DD to chase and beg to see him. You see he is playing with DD now. She doesn't need the added hurt. Ughhhhhhh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Hurting,

Maybe you could talk to DD and tell her to have a talk with dad if he comes today.

She needs to ask him to please stop asking questions of what moms plans are. And if mom wanted you to know what her plans are she will tell you, so please stop asking.
Because your responses only hurt me anyway. She needs to tell him that thier visits from now on, are to be about the both of them only (thier relationship as father/daughter).

Love, Lady

I know Lady, it really hurts me that she begs to see him and all he does is say maybe.

But see I can't tell her not to ask him because then she will think i am trying to make her choose sides. It hurts so much to see how he is treating her but there is nothing I can do about it. I mean she is 18 and I have no control over it with her like I do with DS.

I am beginning to wonder if he thinks because I am not chasing him anymore if he feels I am done with him? But then again he had the planb letter and I have told him many times how I feel about him.

I don't understand the need to be chased. It is childish and cruel to all involved. espcially to make your own DD be the one to chase you. this makes me so angry at him.

Lady,

I ahve told her to tell him that before. She thinks if se talks to him like that he will get mad. But I will reenforce it again today.

I in a way hope he does not come by here, the risk is just to great that I will have to see him. I know DD told him she would come outside and talk to him but just knowing he is in front of my house is more than I can take. Maybe she can meet him somewhere, I will talk to her about that. But I really don't think he will come by.

I wonder...if DD feels uncomfortable talking to him about this, maybe she could write him a letter. Would she be willing to do that?

I don't know maybe she would..... I will talk to her about it....

Below is a letter I thought up for Hurting2, only if it's okay with you, and if she is willing to write him. She could add or take away any parts of it. I do believe she needs to tell him how she feels without feeling threatened of his response.

If you want me to post on Hurting2's thread to help her there. Maybe we all could help her some way with this.
What do you think?


Dear Dad,
I am missing you and feeling very rejected by you and I don't know why.
I don't like that you always say "maybe" to my requests to visit. Then I am left to wonder if you will show up, and if you don't show up I am left hurt. And I feel that I have to chase you in order to see you, which leave me feeling hurt. I should not have to go through this. I am already sad because of the separation between you and mom and now feeling very rejected by you makes me feel worse.

I may have done some bad things as some teenagers do, but parents should not turn thier back on them as you have me. Did your parents turn thier back on you when you were a teenager when you did something wrong? I am still your daughter, and I still need love. You bore me 18 yrs ago with mom, and are showing more love and time to OW than me.
I don't understand that. I have had you all my life and now I am feeling like I have lost you. Why?????

From now on if you would like to see me, I would ask that you not ask me any of moms plans. If mom wants you to know her plans she will tell you herself, so please stop asking. Because your responses are hurtful to me anyway. And I don't want to bear this hurt any longer. I ask that our visits and talks from now on would be about us as father/daughter only.

Thankyou.

I Love You, DD

lady,


That is a beautiful letter.... I will show it to her and see what she says.

I think it says the right things that he needs to know from his daughter.

Thank you so much for caring about my DD. This is hard for her and she loves her dad so much. I hope she will give it to him....

Ok I had DD read the letter she started crying..... I asked her do you want to give him somehting like this?

She said no she would rather tell him face to face to get a reaction. I really don't know if she will do it or not but its all her decsison. I do feel in time she will finally let it all out to him though.

He is just getting further and further away each day..... from all of us...... How sad

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> {{{{{{Hurting2}}}}}}

Sometimes when a letter is written he won't forget so easily and will reread it, maybe think some more on it.
But....I understand if she would feel better telling him face to face then that's okay too. She wants to see him.

lady,

Your right she wants to see him. He has not seen her in almost 3 weeks. They have talked but like the other night he was no very nice to her. Then last night he was to busy asking questions about me and my feelings and wondering if I was moving.... I have promised her that I will do my best to not talk about him to her. I have been doing real well about it the past few weeks.

I just don't understand his purpose in asking her all of these things. Wh does he care if I eventually move to my family in Va.? Why ask about how I reacted yesterday when I saw him and the say Oh, Well when she tells him it upset me. I just don't get it, if he wants to move on and have a life with OW why does he care hat I do or how I feel?
He wanted to know how I felt about DS going with him on the road, he knows I would not stop him form taking DS. Why would I he is his father.

3 weeks is a long time. I don't know why he is asking her except that she really is the only one to talk to him out of the family, except DS, and he doesn't know because he is not there. So he tries to get all info from her, which is not fair to her or her emotional well being.

Her telling him how you feel and what your plans are just gives him his fix of you a little bit more. It's just a cruel vindictive way he is going about it through DD. He knows she will come back and tell you things such as "oh well". It's all so hurtful, to you and her.

I don't know why he wants to know if you are moving or not.
But some theories are....
1. He wouldn't feel so embarrassed in town if you did.

2. He wouldn't have to worry about running into you at the bowling alley with OW?

3. He just wants to know just in case he may want to come home someday.

4. He might want to live in the house again, so he wants to know if you have plans of moving.

5. Maybe he said it because he knew DD would come back and tell you, and try to make you feel bad.

Just some of my thoughts there.... It's never easy to figure out a WS and their reasons for saying anything.
IMHO.

lady,

everyone of those things you listed has crossed my mind.

As far as living in the hosue goes that won't happen.... His mother has already said when I move out ( she is not pushing me out just whenever I do) the house will be for his siter and her family WH will never get it back. We believe he thinks he will but he is in for a rude awakening....

but I believe 1,2 and 5 are the most obvious reasons. I think if he does not have ot worry about seeing me his guilt will lessen some.

Yes, those do sound like the most likely answers.

He's may be trying to find a way to run from his own guilt now, but he won't be able to....Oh well!! May God go after that man, whatever it takes!!!

I just wish you didn't have to hear a word from him. You and Hurting2 don't need to relive his hurtful words and ways daily.

And don't let his manipulations get to you.

Lady

I am trying not to let it get to me lady but it does.

I just still have a hard time with after all these years and all we have been to each other for so long how he has turned so against me.

I am learning to live with it. I finally have realized the words he tells me hold no meaning at all. The times he has said to me I do love you even 3 or 4 weeks ago mean nothing now. I realize it was his way of manipulating me into doing what he wanted.

Maybe he does love me w ay down deep inside, I don't know but I do know his actions sure don't show it. So now all of those words are falling on deaf ears here. Just like my apologies and procolmations of love to him fell on his deaf ears.

I can no longer trust anything he says or does and may never be able to trust him again. I just don't know... Only time will tell....

Well, I hope you and Hurting2 have a peaceful week, and I only wish that next weekend your WH doesn't roll in town again with his hurtful ways, and then roll out of town again. It seems to be a bad pattern for him. You and DD don't need to relive the nightmare weekend after weekend.

You both are hurting enough, and he doesn't need to keep rubbing it in weekend after weekend.

This plan B thing has been more difficult for you with the children. It's hard to stay completely plan B when WH is questioning DD. I wish he would stop!!

Love, Lady

lady,

I wish he would stop to. I just want to be left alone for now.

I don't know how the weekend will go. Once I file this week I have no idea if he will be served over the weekend or not. I will ask the attorney to have an idea. I am sure if he is there will be drama for sure.

I will be off work on saturday and not have to work until sunday night. Maybe we can figure a way to not be here all weekend. I just don't want to deal with it....

Bad enough I will have to face him in court soon I don't need his crap over the weekend to..... I know he is going to try and hurt me more because of this....

Yes, thats a good idea....maybe being gone next weekend would be best.

After his trouble every weekend I wouldn't put it past him to cause major trouble when the papers are served to him.

Is there someone you could spend the weekend with?

Lady

Not really but I can figure something out I am sure.... I don't have the money to go far but I am sure I can find something to do ......