I understand what your saying.

But how can he see the trail and the positives if I am so dark from him?

This is all so frustrating. I just want to be happy and live a life that is good. I am working hard to get there. I know I will in time.

I wish I could let go but its o darn hard when it feels like the other half of me is gone. I have been with this man since I was 21 yrs old and I am going to be 47 in a few weeks, thats over half of my life its hard to let go so easy.

I keep thinking once this court thing is over and I don't have so many worries over money and bills it will be easier. I think a lot of whats going on with me is all this worry over these things. Once I can make him be resposible it will help me feel better. Just to know he has to do something besides play with OW will make life easier.

Hurting:

Do you remember the discussion about the BUYERS and RENTERS?

I see your WH as a BUYER..

Since his A, he has turned into a FREELOADER now RENTER..
But as you describe your lifestyle and longtime marriage...he was definitely committed to you...YOU KNOW THAT...TRUST AND FOLLOW YOUR OWN GUT!!!

As I have told you before, his pattern is a lot like that of my WH's...

I see your WH as moreso having a Midlife Crisis...

I do not believe he necessarily had previous As..

There is no research to indicate an AFFAIR GENE...

This does not fit at all with the MB' Viewpoint...

I think you can answer the questions you are pondering about your R if and when you begin Recovery...

As I have told you a zillion times, my friend...

NOW IS THE TIME TO FOCUS SOLELY ON YOURSELF AND NOT HIM....

I don't think it's helpful for you to be worrying about this at this point...

Take care...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It is the darkness that the hope is in my dear.

It is in the sheer differences that contrast you, your family and marriage from that the OW is offering the foggy wh.

Letting her fail is the order du jour.

You are all about meeting EN's. You are all about family. You are all about marriage. You will be a great W...whether to him or one day to a very lucky man...should you wind up single.

Ow is about destruction. Ow is about lies...Ow and the A brings about the separation from family...Ow and the A is about distrust...OW is about selfishness...OW and the A is about hiding in the shadows instead of living in the light of truth.

Can you see the differences? Many times the WS do not see it until it's been laid out for them so clearly.

And my xh has "gotten it' I believe...in fact, today his ow/w did everything to make sure my ds did NOT go to his team's second basketball practice because...my xh and I always sit near each other...always talk about ds...and are as a team in sports and parenting with that regard...so much she made xh resign from being son's soccer coach this spring. She is very needy and is extremely scared of his contact with me! And she should be...were they NOT parents of the almost 2 year old, he would not be with her...she knows where he would be...and he lied to her last saturday about me too! He snuck off and left his cell phone at home so he could go out and buy expensive sports clothes, equipment, and shoes for ds...and then actually wanted to come inside the house...

the ow will always compete with the ghosts of your life together even if the marriage does not heal. that is a 100 percent fact~

my xh's ow planned a weekend getaway (complete with 2 of her kids and my ds)for her and xwh in the mountains..and they did NOT come back today for ds's practice...and my xh paid a lot of $$$ for son to attend the league and camp! Seems ow has done alot to destruct this...even so far to tell my xwh that it's best that he and I go to the practices and games SEPARATELY! can you get that? separately? She is that fearful of me...and she should be...( say that truthfully). She knows that fog has lifted, xh is NOT happy being married toher, and it was only out of legal obligation and oc that he did...it totally freaks her out that I am single, attractive, a 100 percent dyed in the wool mom and the complete opposite of her~

Your WH's ow is the same.

You laid the path. Your WH has the map home. You gave it to him. It is there..if he heeds the words...even if he does not, time will make him remember that map...and he will look at it, re read it, and will one day act I am completely sure of.

Happened to us too...after he was caught cheating this summer with a very young ow who looked almost identical to me when Darth and I were first dating, ow/w went freaky on him! One weekend she called me up and said "I happened (happened? Happened nothing...she was digging up ways to destroy my very existence to darth) to find YOUR wedding portrait. Would you like it back?" I say: "no. I gave it to darth when he moved in with YOU> I wanted him to remember his FAMILY...Ow: but don't you want it now? now that you're D/d? Me: NO. I gave it to darth. Day when I moved in my own home. It is a reminder of THE SHAME of things. Funny you should bring this up ow/w, but that very picture is still hanging up in the front window and on the display in the photographer's studio. A friend of mine back home saw it a few months back." ow/w: but don't you want it? me: I don't want it but it is DARth's...he wants it. It is his and not for YOU to decide.

Ow: I also found something that Darth had hidden (me...what had he hidden?)...I think it belongs to YOU. Me: what is it?
ow/w: It is a letter...along with a gold wedding band. Do you want it?
me: No. I do not. AGain, it was MY wedding ring and I gave it to Darth when it was imminent we were divorcing. ow/w: I saw the letter. (my plan B letter)...I read the letter. me: Good. It was a letter to my H. How to find his way home. OW/W: It was hidden. Hidden away in a storage space behind his closet. In a plastic baggie zipped shut. He's hidden it away from me for so long. me: Well that is what happens when an A happens. You probably never knew how much he read it. I am sorry it bothers you, but it is again Darth's property and his to keep.

Again, 3 years later...the fog is lifting a bit...but too late...and the ow finds out that she is left in a dying relationship built on nothing but lies...and is each day fighting the invisible ghost that lurks in their home.

I can't say that you will heal or not. I am betting if I were a betting woman that he will return home. Too much of a history. Even the way a WS rewrites history can't compete with that.

You can lead him home by living the best life you can...making tons of positive changes and passivelly letting the xh's relatives find out so they blab...and also by being upredictable.

He has the map. Question is he man enough to use it?

Time will see.

But we all know you're A 100 PERCENT WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHICH DIRECTION TO TAKE...

You're gonna be fine. Believe it. Make your attitude one that a man...even a WS will find pleasing! That would be somebody positive, fun, happy and contented.

In a short while if you are THIS woman, the OW will become the following:
clingy
needy
eager to erase existence of 25 years..she can't do it.
angry
have outbursts
make lb's all over the place
demanding

and that's just the beginning! He gets the cow and it's not for free! He used to have an easy life. He courted you, worked for you...and then got you. She is making it too easy for him...he doesn't really want that. He wants the fantasy. He does NOT want the real life!

If you get this, you can help YOU deal better with this...and the reality is that unless something completely drastic happens with WS and OW...they will not marry...and their affair will crumble into dust.

The two year clock began ticking the second he moved in with her...be confident in this.

What I give you is another side to this whole story...

Your WS should be WORRIED WHAT YOU DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT THE AFFAIR CLOCK HAS BEEN TICKING..he may already be thinking this! Has she moved on? Can I ever win her back? What would it take? But these are his issues to bear and solve...

My xh totally gets it now! Tonight when ds calls, after our conversation, darth gets on phone for his tri weekly fix of hearing me choose to speak to him...again it's only about limited subjects and only two: ds and finances left over from the hurried divorce.

I am at the house after a grueling weekend on call at hospital. My bf is over. He came over the second he found out I was coming home from hospital. Wanted to watch football and hang out with me. Darth is on phone. We are talking about WHY HE CHOSE NOT TO let son go to basketball (can we say a frightened and scared little other woman?)when xwh says :Peach...hey, is that football I hear in the background? Me: Yea. Darth: Since when did you decide you wanted to watch football? Me: Noneya. Darth: Oh I get it. (says it very very sarcastically)...he understands that I am NOT alone! Me: (thinking to myself)yea you selfish man. You get it now. And 3 years too late~

I love ya believer, but much data now suggests that certain centers of the brain work during an affair like the centers of the brain behave when addicted to a drug. Others believe there are some who are prone to cheating period...

That is completely in line with all here.

Great article in cosmo recently about it (am a single girl now yes!)..and yes, some people are definitely more prone to become addicts from alcohol, drugs, if their brains are basically susceptible to it...the way they are wired.

MB treats WS like addicts.

A midlife crisis is not something acceptable. It is a catch all phrase describing those married for a while choosing to go outside of their marriage for sf, fun, and excitement...but the basis of it comes from the feeling and kickback they get from the affair. Think that phrase is something that got coined many years back...when researchers and medical science did not understand alot about the chemistry of the brain.

My subspecialty is cardiac...it used to be brains btw! Hence why I believe some of the things I have read recently...and things that I understand are fact.

I am not here to debate you, but can say for sure that the addiction issue is very much a part of understanding why the wayward spouse keeps going back to the OP(fix). It's to keep their high.

I work in human physiology basically...do cardiac as well as brain function studies...just more cardiac now. It is amazing to see the human body working...and how even when somebody who is hallucinating can actually believe they are hearing and seeing the pretend images before them...I see this happen daily in my line of work.

No wonder the affairees and the Ws can stay in the fog...the perceptions are real, it's the reality that clashes with the perceptions and fantasy that they do not like. And yes it is an addiction.

I agree that the A is caused and fueled by an addiction...

I agree that the BS is not to BLAME for the WS' choice to indulge in the A drug...

However, I also agree with the MB PHILOSOPHY that the BS needs to take a look at the contribution he/sne makes to making the M vulnerable to the A...

This is essential during PLAN A and to work towards a healthy relationship in Recovery...

I absolutely claim that too Mimi! We can all find ways to improve ourselves. Find better ways to meet EN's of our spouses...in my case a bf now, that we did not have the knowledge to do so before. One interesting thing I now know is that some peopele may be prone to having affairs just like some are born more prone to alcoholism or drugs...my xh is one of them sadly. Had I knowna this before with him? I would have given a thousand percent support in helping him...had I known. His father had a huge d day during the middle of my then H's affair with monkey and family values.

It came right out! His dad had been carrying on a long term affair with a client of his! Turns out from xMIL, that he has had at least five known affairs. I think it has to do with his brain hardwiring...and also the nature/nurture issue. But the xil's and especially FIL hid it sooo well! I would have never guessed the man could have ever even entertained the thought of cheating ever. Goes along in the end with wrong hardwiring. Can these people be helped? Sure. That is if we see the warning signs. Ten years ago, the general public were not that well informed of the signs of either an impending stroke or a heart attack. What a different research makes huh? I firmly believe within the next decade we will see research that can id the people that may be prone to this kind of destructive behavior. There is even research now to say that certain parts of the brain do not function properly when examining the post mortem brains of those who commit suicide. I forget exactly which part of the brain it is (I am not a walking encyclopedia sorry)...but they've identified that there is a source.

That's why I love the MB approach!

It is logical. It is simple in theory. It works. It works 100 percent. And research will hopefully one day back the approach up since it now leans towards affair as an addiction..

But sometimes it does not work in our time frame we wish it to work (my sitch)I think that it has helped thousands of people relcaim their families and marriages. I see it as nothing but incredible!

There are so many things to think of that say, we didn't before...one issue with me is watching sports. I am not a huge fan of sports. Give me a glass of chardonnay and a great movie! One happy girl. But my bf played football his first year in college, then rugby (his love)..he's a man's man. He goes to watch games with his buddies at pub near his townhouse. When he asked to come see me and watch football...I did not view it as before when darth would lock himself away, watch football, and never ask me to join in. Now I know better! A few weeks ago, my bf wanted me to watch sports. I was not that happy about it. But by knowing that this meets a recreational need of his, I gave in and made popcorn...gave him his favorite beer in an etched heavy glass mug I got for him with his university logo on it...and sat down beside him and asked him to explain the intricacies of football to me...

Made all the difference in the world!

Now he wants to come over and hang out...we share common ground now. It makes things better. I kinda like football now btw...and not just the halftimes anymore (I was a pom pon girl and then featued twirler) in college ok?

I know stuff now that I did not know back then. I am thankful to MB...and it is making me a better person...even though I am a divorced one.

I want to thank you ladies for being here for me.

Why is it the weekends seem to be my breaking point. I do great during the week but let the weekend come and I am worthless and get so emotional.

I don't know what I would do without all of the wondeful people on here.

Yes Mimi i remeber the discussion on Buyers and Renters. I read it. Your right he was a buyer no doubt about it. I see now were he is renter now. I wish he would run out of rent money and be evicted.

Anyhow you all are right I have to be the best I can be for me.

I just have to keep telling myself I will make it... I will be ok.... Maybe I should tattoo this on my forehead.

Gotta pull myself up by my boot straps and make life good....

Oh DS is going to be here during school break and we are decorating for christmas. I am looking forward to that with the kids. I want to make home as cheerful as possible for the holidays. Bake some cookies and stuff. We will make this holiday the best we can ...... Onward and upward.... Back on the horse I must go and ride into the sun.

Funny part is, when you start plan A'ing yourself, adn plan B'ing the Ws, change does occur! Positive change.

You're doing great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do the holiday thing.

I am gonna sign off here so I can get together old clothes for charity. I do this right before holidays...Going to bring them tomorrow on way home from work.

Keep love and faith and possibility as your mantra! You can do this!

Tahnks Peach ...... Your one of the great ones here.....

There are too many good ones here to name...and thank you!

Your welcome, and your right there are many great ones here way to many to list but they know who they are...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Hurting!

How's your knee??? Hope better....

Since weekends are so crazy for you, is there anything that you can think of that you can kind of plan ahead for to help make them not so awful?? I know somethings are kind of thrown at you, but perhaps for next weekend you can try planning something to make the weekend different.

Fridays and Sundays are my worst days(were my worst days!!) Fridays are fun now! DS and I alternate planning "date night" together. Sundays, since WH usually comes to get DS I try to do something for ME. Just enjoy time to myself.

Tomorrow's Monday & we made it through another one!!

Kim

Hiya Kim,

The knee is better it still sore but I am going to work tonight.

I am trying to plan things for the weekend but without any extra $$ its hard to even go window shopping because of gas prices.

I am beginning to think some of its just because I know he is with OW on the weekends. Plus that when the yare out and about and i don't want to run into the anywhere. Remeber had a close call a few weekends ago. Once i can get finances settled I think I will feel better and more productive.

Thanks for asking and checking on me ...... Sorry your WH seems to thinks its ok to be late and no let anyone know. I guess we must remember its all about them .... sigh

Happy Monday all....

The weekend is over and so is my melt down. Not say I'm still not concerned about all of this D talk but I have to accept what ever may happen.

Even if it happens I still don't believe things will be over. Something in me tells me this is far from done.

I hope WH read those papers over and over and see's exactlly what this is going to do to his life. I hope it was a bit of reality to cut through some of the fog.

Anyhow we shall see how it goes.

eav1967-
I think your story is very sad. You say you have hated their child since she was born and she is nothing to you now. The circumstances of her birth are not her fault. She is an innocent in all of this, just like you. She did not choose her parents.

I guess I would have to walk a mile in your shoes to understand this kind of resentment against an innocent child.

Hurting,

Well you know we are routing and praying for you here!!

Hoping only for the best for you always!!


WH will just have to live with any consequences that may come his way.

Lady

Lady,

thank you for the prayers.

Your right he is going to be the one who has to live with the consquences of his own actions.

For now I am living them but soon that should be taken care of once we go to court. Once he has to start paying his fair share my stress levels will fall as I can will not have worry over money as much. Then his consequences of leaving his family will start. For so long now he has had none he has been going on his merry way with no worries.
I have sat here for months stressing and worrying over bills and food and the basic nesscities of life while he has had it all. Well the tables are going to turn he will have to make sure he takes his resposbilites for his family the law will see to it. No more just walking around having all the fun while we suffer.

Welcome to the real world WH, reality bites sometimes.... Just 2 and half more weeks and it all will start......

As my mom told me last night his fantasy life is getting ready to come to a end. Hope he is ready.... I know I am

Well something kinda cool happened to me the last couple of days. In fact it made me feel kind of good. I have had 2 different men show interest in me. Now before anyone freaks out I am not interested but it was nice to know someone at least notices me.

One of the men has come to my job the last 2 nights and struck a conversation with me. He is about my age nice looking guy. He i snew in town and was asking about places to go and going out. I told him I was married but seperated. He said thats to bad, I thought maybe you could show me around. I was very flattered but declined.

The second man is actually one of the supervisors at work. He is like 10 yrs younger than me. I have not worked with him before seeing how he works days but he had to stay last night. He knows my situation and was asking me about it. He kept trying to make small talk with me and I just let him know I was married and could not get involved with anyone.

So come to today I went to my MIL before work to say hello and my SIL was there. So I was telling them about these two men. They both said wow thats really nice maybe you should go out and have fun. I said you both know i am still married to WH. They said well he is to but look what he is doing. Anyhow I didn't really push the fact I would not go out I kinda left them wondering if I would. MIL said it would serve WH right if you found someone. I just let her know thatI am not looking for anyone.

Now here is the thing I don't know if any of this will get to WH or not. SIL may tell him who knows. So was it a bad idea to tell them? In a way I want him to know someone else is interested but I don't want him to think I would go out with other men while I am still married to him. Then again he may not care and say good.... I have no clue. I almost told DD but I was afraid to. I know she woould tell and I am not sure if its a good idea or not.

So what do you all think? I don't want to play games with this but I do want him to think I am having a life and I am attractive to someone and maybe worry I will not wait. What should I do?

Well I have to say I am pretty blown away by DD tonight.

Seems her dad called and was wanting her to change her mind about Thanksgiving. She told him she would not come. As she wants to be with th rest of her family. I was shocked she stood her ground with him.

She came to me and said Mom, I feel bad and I love dad but he needs to suffer and see what it will be like without any of his family on the holidays.

I was sitting here figuring out exactlly how much money he has given me since he left in July and she saw it and was shocked at the small amount. She said its not fair he spends money on OW and her DD and takes them to lunch and buys stuff for them and we have nothing.

I told her DD, you know your dad loves you and right now he is just not himself. We have to try and not let it get to us because we will be ok. We have made it this long and we will continue to make it. She said mom I love you , I told her I love you to and don't worry. As she walked off she said you know dad loves you to...... I didn't say anything, I was floored.

I am so proud of her and how she has come to realize what this has done to us and how selfish her dad has become. Those are her words not mine. She says you know he will come home someday mom I am sure of it. All I can say to her is I pray so DD.

I do hope his holiday is not a good one and he see's what life is going to be like without his family. But the ones who are going to suffer the most are my children and I wish I could do something to ease their pain.

DS and I are going to hang Christmas lights wed. and thur. and then after we have Thanksgiving dinner we are going to put up our tree. Don't know yet if it will have presents under it yet but we will be ok if not, at least we have each other.