Life will get better and I will be happy again. Sometimes its hard to see that through all of the struggles, heartaches and tears.

Hurting....I feel the same. Somewhere deep down I know life will be better, but the day to day strugle is overwelming sometimes.

I hope your court date goes well. It is hard not to obsess over these things.....

Hang in there....

Daisy

Daisy,

I'm hanging the best I can. Some days good some days bad but I am suviving it ok. You hang in there as well.


Hurting

Of course you are concerned about your court date. It is something new, and scary. No one could blame you there. But let me tell you what it will be like to see him again, after so long. He is going to look like crap. I guarantee it. When I saw my WH for the first time after several weeks, we met at a parenting class that we were required to take. In Oregon you are reuqired to take this parenting class when you file for D and there are children involved. Anyway, I was sitting in the hall when he walked in, and I was HORRIFIED. I even blurted out "Are you ok? You look sick" he honestly looked sick. He had not shaved that day. His clothes were dirty and wrinkled. I really think he had slept in them the day before. Bags under his eyes. You name it. He said he was fine, just tired, he didn't get much sleep. I now know that he was fighting with OW all the time at that point. They were likely up late fighting. This would have been around this same time of year, 2 years ago. So the Holidays were coming, and he was starting to realize that he would not be wrapping presents for the boys on Christmas Eve with me, and waking up with me and the boys on Christmas morning.

Everyone I have talked to shares the same story. The WS, when you see them after a long time of no contact, looks like crap. As their new life starts to reach reality, they start to go through what we all went through on D Day. No sleep. Can't eat. Can barely get out of bed in the morning.

I promise you, he will look bad.

And it is not so bad to let him see you cry. He needs to remember that what he is doing is wrong. that you will never be the same, the kids will never be the same. He needs to know that he can't jsut walk away when ever he feels like it.

I think Lem has given us all a huge obvservation here. Your WH is a coward. I know mine was. Life got a little tough for them. Money was always tight, which puts strain on any relationship. You were always happy to just get by, but he must have had some naggin worries in the back of his mind. So one day they decide to just walk away from their problems. OW gives them an illusion that they can walk out, and start a new life, and everything will be great.
My WH, on the day he left, actually told me that his OW "just happened to have money, and wanted to take care of him, becuase that is how much she loves him. that he would still pay all the bills, because OW wanted to take care of him." That lasted about 1 month. Turns out she had no money. She filed bankruptcy soon after that.

I think Lem hit the nail on the head. It takes strength to stand up and do the right thing. You are doing that right now. Your WH is not. Eventually, the day will come when it will be easier for him to come home, then it would be to stay away. he is going to end up so broke, and loneyl, and msierable, that the only attractive option is you.

That is when you will have a big decision to make.

Womanoffaith,

I know your right about how he will look he is already there. His own mother told me how bad he looks and how he has aged.

I know Lem is right in his observations. I agree totaly. I never thought of it be cowardness but it makes more sense than pride.

I know I will not be able to make it through the court without crying, I just don't want to fall totally apart.

Anyhow I must leave for work now. Thank again for the support.....

Hurting-
I know it's going to be scary and tough, but I believe you
will do just fine because you've done so well all along,
with each step you've taken. You can go in holding your
head high, chin up, looking confident and good, and WH will
be a sorry, pitiful mess ! If you get upset, you get upset,
I wouldn't worry about it in advance-

It is funny and ironic that these WH who are out having such
a grand time and say they are "so happy" with the OP sure
don't look or act happy. I see my WH about once a week when
he comes to get his mail, etc. and I have thought to myself
several times "boy, does he look like crap". At the start
of his A, he was going to the gym constantly and tanning,
and now it's apparent that he has gained back some weight
and he's no longer golden. He also looks kind of bloated
(I think he's eating a lot of fast food) and has sometimes
been wearing odd combinations of clothes !

What you've been doing seems to be working, so keep it up
and keep giving it to God. I also remember someone telling
a a person who was going to court to think of all us MB
friends in the room with you, sitting on YOUR side <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

Hurting -

I think it will most likely be morning when you read this. So, GOOD MORNING!! Today is a new day!!! Get some rest and then get up and do what you told Lem you would do. You know we are going to hold you to that ---- We want a report each and every of those 21 days to hear what you did to honor that pact.

Onward you go!!

Kim

I LOVE THIS, LM!

We all need to do this. Thank you for that reminder.

Happy Holidays,

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All of you are so supportive and you have no idea what it means to me.

Lem i just have to tell you, I was reading your post to my mom the one about the cowardness. As she listened she got very quiet. When i was done she said to me, " BS this man does not even know WH and yet he has described him perfectly at this time." She said" I agree with everything he has said and I have been telling you now for months that I still do believe at some point in time WH will try and come back." She was amazed at the post and how well you described everything and WH. She said you are a very smart man.

Again thanks to all of you... I know I say it a lot but without all of you I would be so lost sometimes. As none of my family or friends really understand what I am going through. I have tried to get some of them to read here so they can understand all of this but they won't. I tried explaining it all but they don't get it. But they all do stand behind my descions on this whether they agree or not.

Hurting

Hurting:

I've been thinking that you might need to be careful with your SIL...

Does she have an agenda?

Is she passing information between you and WH?

If she provides information to you about him, there's a good chance that she is passing on information to him about you...

This is too much CONNECTIVENESS between you and him during PLAN B if that is occurring...could be enabling the A...

What do you think?

You might need to become DARK with her..

When she tells you stuff...be sure not to have an emotional reaction...be neutral and mum...say stuff like: "Oh, really?"..."That's interesting", etc.

We know that some of the information that she has shared is not truthful..like your WH going to file for D on the same day as court...You didn't need to know this and/or to become upset by this...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

You may be correct but I really don't tell her anything. I don't tell her anything my attorney says , I dont tell any of the family except my mom.

My SIL who talks to WH and I go for weeks sometimes without seeing each other. And then we don't really talk about him or this situation. Now I did get upset on Thanksgiving and have a mild meltdown and she may have told him this I don't know. But I didn't say anything except that I missed him. And when I dropped DS off the other night she said something about him turning in his divorce papers, all I said was he is going to do what he wants , there is nothing I can do to stop it, but I still love WH and if he was to break off with OW I would still consider reconsiliation. So if she says anything to him that could be the only thing she could say.

I have done very well with not talking about him or anything that is happening to any of them. I know he was fisihng for stuff from my MIL but she knew nothing to tell him. They all know I don't want a divorce and I love him but I have not told any details to them.

As far as him supposedly filing the d same day that was something he told her. She told my MIL what he said, which in turn was told to my other SIL whom WH won't have anything to do with, and thats who told me. So it went through 2 other people before he got to me.... So who knows. But I will be careful in the future to make sure of how I react and what I say.

GREAT, HURTING!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Good morning Hurting-
I know it's hard to not know what's going on with the WH's
and impossible to predict what they might do- I'm in the
same boat. WH called me three times Friday, then nothing on
Saturday. He came by Sunday for his usual visit (picks up
his mail, drops off receipts, sees dog, etc.) and called
later, asking if I wanted to order a pizza and he'd come
over, but then called back minutes later to say he had told
a friend they'd get together and he "forgot". (I'm sure OW
must have called him with a better offer) so said he was
really sorry and we could get together for lunch Monday-
then I heard nothing from him all day yesterday- so he's
still very much addicted, infatuated, or whatever it is...
and still just as foggy as always-
Don't know if it's just a mood shift, I'm tired, the holidays are getting me down, or a if it's a combination of
it all, but today I'm feeling really hopeless and down about
it all- like he will never come out of the fog.

Sounds like you have been able to use the communication with
your MIL/SIL to your advantage (so WH gets the message about
how good you look, how well you are doing, how you are going
on with life) and he is not getting it to work for him-
way to go !
Slammed

Just a bit of a threadjack...

Slammed:

I've noticed your expression of discouragement on a couple of threads this morning. Seems like it may be time for PLAN B...What do you think?

Slammed,

I am not to sure about the communication between all of them. He does know that I am doing what I need to do to live but I would say thats about it. Actually its kinda funny because my SIL said to me I am surprised all of this has not made you insane. I told her Yeah I have thought the same thing but so far I am doing ok. But like I told her I still love H but I can't stop him from doing whatever it is he feels he needs to do.

MIL did tell him after he asked her was I talking bad about him that I have not said one bad thing at all. I have shown nothing but love for him. She told him the only thing I have said is that his affair is wrong and I don't want my DS to have to witness his A by being at the OW'S home. She said he had no comment about this. I hope its because he knows this to be the truth.

I think he is looking for things to try and use against me like me talking bad about him and who knows what else. But so far he has nothing. I have held myself in check and been nothing but honest and not had angry outburst with him since all of this started. Not to say in time it may not happen but for now he has nothing that I have done to use to justify his actions.

I will continue to conduct myelf in this manner and if I need to vent the anger I will do so here or with my IC.

Hurting-
I think you've handled yourself fantastically and shown
nothing but dignity, so certainly nothing WH can use
against you or even get mad about - venting here, to your
close, trusted friend, or IC is always a safe outlet
and helps keep your sanity for sure !
I really do feel hopeful for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Slammed


Mimi- I'll update my thread- will you give me your ideas
there ? Thx

I went down and saw my MIL today. She said she spoke to WH and he kept going on and on about how happy he is , I loved her response to him. She said " WH I know you and I don't believe your happy, you keep going on and on about it. For if someone is truley happy they don't have to keep reminding everyone and trying so hard to prove it."

Hurting, I just love your MIL!! She has helped so much by not enabling and accepting his A. This may not effect him now, but later on it might. I only hope when he is on the road all week that what was said to him rings over and over in his mind and heart.

And in spite of your SIL sharing with you every false thing that your WH says... I think you have done great...those were difficult times to get through.

You have kept on course with them all only saying what is needed and the truth. I know it hasn't been easy to keep from breaking down and crying. No one could expect you not to, because it is a reality of the pain he has caused you.

But you have handled everything with such dignity...

You bestow such great qualities, that I'm not sure you are as aware of, as we are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

I agree my MIL is a wonderful woman, and she tells WH like it is. His A will never be accepted by her as well as the OW won't be either no matter the ourcome of our marriage.

Ya gotta love her !!!!!!

Ok I am just about done here, I just don't know how much more i can take.

DD wanted me to drive her to Home Depot because her father left some money for her. Now he can't help pay the bills but he can leave money for DD to blow.

Anyhow I was parked by the door waiting for DD to come out. As the door opens I hear her saying goodbye to OW... I was floored by what I hear .. she called OW MOM!!!!!!! When she got in th car I said did I hear you call her mom? She said yes I do that sometimes. I said why she is not your mother. I just lost it, this is not like she a little girl this a girl who is 18 yrs old. I just lost it and said to her she is not your mother and never will be. You are just going along and letting your dad nad OW think everything is cool and you have accepted what he has done. Maybe I just need to face it DD has accepted it. I just can't imagine how my feelings have no meaning to anyone. I got angry and told her that maybe she should just pack her stuff and move in with her dad and OW as I can't take anymore of this disrespct and flaunting in my face she does with regards to her dad.

I am so hurt right now I can't even express it all. Seems the more time that goes on the more accepting everyone is and no longer cares. I just don't know what to do anymore...

I don't blame you one bit for what you said to your daughter. I would not take her disrespect for one minute..

She does need to move out if she keeps this up....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Wow Hurting, that must have hurt. I wouldn't tolerate that from DD either! Enough is enough. She is not thinking straight. One day spent w/ WH and them, and now she is all fogged up. I can see her being torn between both parents, but to call OW mom is terrible! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady