Hurting -

This is par for the course. Affairs wreak havoc on families. Our family was torn apart. We used to be very close, and spent all of our holidays together. But WH started bringing OW to the family gatherings. I stayed home, but my grown sons went.

I told them I thought it was very disrespectful to hang out at family gatherings as long as WH insisted on having OW there, while he was still married to me.

Lots of folks here disagreed and thought my sons should be able to spend time with their step-brothers and sisters.

Your WH has completely abandoned you and your family. Your daughter probably sees this as a way as pleasing her father. It is nothing but sad.

I'm so sorry! I have seen this time and time again. Look how he is manipulating the two of you. He ignores his daughter until she starts practically begging for his attention. He increases the attention and apparently the money if she plays nice with the OW, teaching her that the way to his heart is through the OW. She is desparate for his attention and is falling into this trap.

Please don't let this destroy your relationship with her. She is a pawn in all of this. Stay calm and consistent. Keep telling her that this hurts you and that you don't want her talking about her father in your presence. Keep encouraging her to see her father. But don't allow her to gloat about the relationship that is developing between her and her father. She is 18 years old and she can maintain two separate relationships. She needs to understand that she is responsible for hurting you and that all she has to do to stop is to stop talking about her father with you and to stop calling the OW mother in front of you. Eventually she will see she is being manipulated and when she does, she is going to need her mother.

You are doing great! The time will come when you will be happy once again.

{{{{{{{{hurting}}}}}}}}}

so sorry for what you are going through..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I cannot believe people are accepting the situation....but that is the problem....as this things goes on for several months......people begin to accept it and expect YOU to accept it and move on...yet 6 months or whatever is not long enough to get over all the hurt (my H expected me to heal in 2 months).....anyway, sadly people start to look at YOU as the strange one for not moving on and accepting the situation.....makes me mad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />!

All the best....take care of yourself hurting......

Daisy

I agree with White Daisy. It is hard to believe people accept this situation so easily but that is the way it tends to be. However that doesn't make it right. It was wrong of him to cheat on you and leave with so little consideration of your feelings. It is wrong for him to be living with his OW while still married to you. It is wrong for him to stop supporting his family. It is wrong and no matter how many people accept it, it won't ever be right.

It is also wrong for your daughter to want her father at the expense of hurting you. But as a mother I know you want to maintain a positive relationship with her. I know you will find a way to do that.

Thank you all for being here. I am just so torn up by this I can't think straight.

I went to pick DS up from my SIL and she said WH left a message for DD to call him. Seems DD called him after all of this happen today. So I am pretty sure she will relay everything I said to him. To be honest right now I don't care. I have just about had all the disrespect and abuse I am going ot take from any of them.

I have taken the high road and stayed honest and respectful even to my H and all I have gotten is crapped on. I just don't think I can do it anymore. After court on the 9th I am done, and I will let him know I am done. He can have OW and DD and go be happy somewhere else. I am not playing this amymore, I can't..... I am beginning to see he is not the man I thought he was and how he hid it for 24 yrs I'll never know. I deserve much more than this from all of them. I just can't take the pain anymore, i need some kind of closure.

I don't if I can maintain a realtionship with her right now... She is playing both ends against the middle. She is pittimg me against him and enjoying the game. I love my DD but I don't like her right now and her attitude is one of I'll take whatever I can and who ever can give t to me is who I will be loyal to. And right now its her dad that can give her what she wants not me. Oh reminds OW can help her get a job where she works, so another reason for her to be on their side....

Your response to your D was right on, in my opinion. She has no business calling that woman Mom. That is horrible. if your WH should be ashamed of himself for allowing it (and likely encouraging it). the first time it happened he should have taken your D aside and said "you should continue to call OW by her first name, out of respect for your mom"

I wonder what on earth your D was thinking when she did that in an area where you could clearly hear what she said. That is very odd.

Remember the story I told recently of a friend whose H left for OW in July of 04, and he is back home today? My friend and her H have 4 kids. OW has 2. OW's kids were told to call WH "dad" early on in the relationship. It broke my friends heart. Then OW started "sucking up" to his kids. the 17 year old daughter would come home with gifts she had received from OW, and her phone was constantly ringing with OW calling to say "Your Dad and I miss you, baby girl." (yuck!)
My friend would call, crying. And I always told her "I don't know if your WH will come back, but I know for a fact this R with OW will not last. And then your D is going to feel like crap for being a aprt of it".
I even spoke to the DD at one point. She told me things like "My Dad is so happy now, I love to see my Dad happy". Of course, in time she started to see OW for the manipulator that she truly is. When OW moved out of the apartment - and into another mans house! DD had to face the fact that she had been part of an ugly relationship. It set her up for a huge fall.
Your DD will some day be in for a huge fall too. Pray for her. Be there for her when she falls. but meanwhile, do nto taolerate her lack of respect. If there is any doubt in her mind, right now, then you need tos it down and talk to her again. And jsut tell her, I don't know what will ahppen with your Dad and I, but I will always be your Mother. I gave birth to you, and rasied you through good and bad times, and I have earned the title of mother. If you choose to call any OW mother, then you are dis honoring my place as your only mother. I will not allow myself to be treated that way in my own home.

One of my friends has two daughters, one 15 and the other 20. She has a chronic illness that prevents her from working full-time. Her husband leaves her for another woman and convinces the 15 year old to leave with him. He refuses to support his wife. She gets a divorce which forces him to split the assets with her. She has to get a court order for him to stop taking the money out of the trust funds for her daughters. He does everything in his power to get as much money as he can from her and to get her daugthers away from her. The 20 year old held tight with her mother. The 15 year old left with her father and refused to talk to her mother. She began calling the OW mother.

A few months after the divorce the OW empties his bank account and leaves him. The 15 year old feels she has lost two mothers. My friend is trying to rebuild her relationship with her daughter but it is going to take a lot of time. The WS wants to return home. My friend is considering it.

To me the unforgivable sin in this case is the damage he has done to his daughter's and ex-wife's relationship. I think for me that would be the deal breaker.

I am posting today about this kinda sitch.

Your dd will crash. The OW will NOT be there for the long run...blood is much much thicker than water. Your wh will be a fool also if he condones this.

I would consider this something to take up with attorney.

stay strong.

do not alienate dd though. I know I would be livid if my son called FV "mom"...My xh tried to get him to call her "momma c" but my son will only call her "MISS FV" period.

wow, I can almost hear satan snickering at the successful recruitment of your DD into this putrid affair. Your DD is a useful idiot who is being used by the affairees to normalize this affair and give it a false air of respectibility. She is aiding and abetting the affairees in the destruction of her own family. She is being played a fool, sadly. And you can tell her I said so, hurting. I am extremely disappointed that she would allow herself to used like this.

I'm sorry Hurting. I didn't read every reply to your post about DD, but I say enough is enough. Yes, she is your daughter and yes you love her, but she has shown you complete disrespect. She is playing one against the other.

She is 18 years old and you taught her better. As long as WH hands her $$ to like you say "blow" then she's going to accept WH. Good ole dad. He's doing the same. Trying to gain her acceptance. It's all very sick. DD is 18 and quit going to school, etc. You would think DD would think of you who is strugging to make ends meet and put food on the table and if she's going to ask for $$ from WH, she give it to you. Personally, I wouldn't have driven her to Home Depot. It's time for you to get angry and it's ok to be angry. Your response was appropriate. Angry in control is the key. IMHO - Your DD should go live with WH and OW. WH and OW can deal with her then and dealing with 18 yr old girls is a real treat at best at times. Help her pack her bags and drive her over there.

Thanks all for the replies. I am glad you all think I handled it ok.

I had another discussion tonite with her and it really didn't go well. She told me that she said it just to piss me off. I asked her why would you do that? She has no good explanation.

She then said to me that she had a discussion with her dad and she now sees how I pulled away from him and why he left. I was stunned that she actually believes him. He told her it all started wihen my dad passed away in 1995. I told her as well as my MIL told her that was crap. She said then dad said when I lost my job 2 yrs ago and all of the depression started that I ignored dad and thats why he left. I explained to her that depression is a medical illness and thats no excuse to leave anyone. What if I had gotten cancer or something would he have walked then?

She said he is my dad and I don't want him to turn his back on me like he has all of you. I told her DD he already has. If not for you making the effort to call him, he would not be calling you. He has already proven that with DS. She said well dad is a good person and I love him. Well I then got angry and said let me tell you something here nad now, there are many time I should have or could have left your dad years ago but I stuck by him through it all. I then proceeded to tell her some of the things that happened yrs ago. Maybe I shouldn't have but she needed to know he is not this perfect person she believes him to be.

No doubt she will tell him I told her some stuff but for now I don't really care. I told her she could leave now and go live with them, because I would not allow this disrespect anymore from her. I told her I don't want to hear your dads name or OW"S name again. She said I don't talk to you about him., I told her thats not true every time you speak to him you see the need to tell me about it, well no more I don't want to know anything.

I told her that what is happening was her dads own choosing no one elses. She said well it was all our faults he left. I told her no it was his fault he left. Yes I can own up to my faults and what I may have don eto make him feel unloved or unwanted but he is the one who chose to lave like he did instead of being honest with his feelings and trying to work it out.

I have come to reralize that no matter what I say DD is going to do what she wants and kiss whoever's butt to get what she wants from this. For now its her dad because he has the bucks. She did say she does not want to live with him but she may not have many choices left because for right now I am done with her and this whole mess.

Now this conversation I had with her was with my MIL and SIL there and they heard all I said and they backed me up all the way. So things are pretty tense right now with me and her. She tried to call her dad back after e left a message for her to call but he didn't answer his cell. I am pretty sure she will let him know what all was said and happened. Like I said I really don't care at this point.

I am so ready to just get the ****** outta dodge and start over and try and forget all of this....... My heart has been stomped on enough.....

(((Hurting)))

I don't know what to say, that just stinks, I am so sorry.

(((Hurting)))

Again I'm sorry. Sorry you're having to deal with the sickness, recklessness, etc. etc. of insensitive, people with no self-respect, respect for others or self-control.

WH using every excuse in the book why he "left" and how bad he had it for so long and blah, blah, blah. Cry me a river. You made some very good points with DD. No, it probably wasn't the best choice to tell her about what he's done in the past etc, but she wants to be a big girl and disrepect you like that, then she's old enough to hear some of the real truth, not the crap ole dad has to say because he's trying to justify his behavior. Which is typical by the way. Trying to justify the behavior with the children. My FWH did also.

Makes you just want to run away to a tropical island and disappear.

DD doesn't want to move in with WH and OW because she knows how good she has it where she is. Gets to do what she darn well pleases while pulling at your heart and emotions with the nonsens she's pulling with WH. I still say, she's 18, pack her up and drive her over there.

inanutshell,

You have no idea how close I am to doing just that. My MIL says I ought to make her go to her dad as well. She says you know it won't last. DD and OW might kiss butt for a little while but it won't take long and DD and OW or OW'S ,DD will be into it. I can almost guarentee it would happen. Then the next thing ya know DD will be back on my doorstep.

Also to be honest I bet WH would find some excuse for her not to move in. I just couldn't put my DD on the street but I am so mad right now I could come close to it. I really don't think they would allow her to move in, and if they do it won't last long. DD would be 15 miles from her friends and B/F with no job or car she would be at their mercy. And with WH gone on the road all week she would be with OW al the time. And with my DD'S attitude and mouth ****** would break loose quickly.

I am waiting to see what happens when she talks to her dad. I am sure he will get an earfull. In the meantime I am being cordial to my DD and not get into any conversations with her about this anymore. I think keeping my distance right now from her is best, because I don't want to argue with her anymore.

I am hating this more and more everyday. We have court next friday and once thats over and if my feelings are still the same as they are today, WH is going to get an earfull from me as well.. I have not gotten angry at him yet bu tI feel the time has come and he needs to know exactlly how I feel. I right now don't really care if it's LB'S or not, I am tired of being walked on and ignored and treated like crap. If it pushes him away then so be it because I don't think he can get any further than he is now. It's time I let him and OW both know what I think of this......

Hurting - 18 year old's are very selfish. I know I was. I still apologize to my mom for how awful I was, and that was 40 years ago.

Your husband should NOT be rationalizing his poor choices to her, and you should not be discussing his past with her. When she said the part about it being your fault that he left, you should tell her that marriage is taking the vow, for better or worse, in sickness and health............

Let her know that there are values, that people need to be honorable.

Your MIL is right. It would be poetic justice if DD went to live with WH & OW. What you say would happen would.

and again you have every right to be angry and every right to express that anger, just do it productively. That's the hard part.

Believer,

Your right maybe I should not have mentioned his past to her but I am so tired of this being all my fault and she believes it. I know she will tell him I told her things and i am sure it will make him mad but I needed her to know he is not a Knight in Shining Armour she thinks he is. I didn't tell her a lot of stuff just a few things that let her know he has made mistakes to and I stood by him and didn't walk away.

I told DD I would take her out there to her dad but she does not want to live with him and OW. I told her she may have no choice right now because I am considering it. I am not letting her off the hook easy this time. I told her to ask her dad about living with him and see what response she gets. I will personally drive her out there and take her stuff. Not sure if she believes me or not but if I was her I would be watching my step aboiut now but I am at the point I don't really care anymore. They all the grass is greener out there well let them find out for themselves its only green because its growing on top of a sewage dump and eventually the sewage will seep through and smell pretty bad.....

Can you all tell I am angry?????

Orchid: I am sorry to hear the turn of events. Your children are being used as a pawn of the A. How sad that you H isn't present enough to protect his children from such a monster.

That being said, send your D to go live with the OW and WS. It will serve several purposes. If the WS rejects her you then have option to take her back and help her heal her wounds. Don't let you decision be ruled by too many 'what ifs'.


Orchid: Go to court and be prepared to present facts only. The court is not interested in knowing how he hurt your feelings. How he is dealing with the children c/b a point of interest. Breathe, deep cleansing breathes..... keep calm.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I am trying to stay calm and in court I only am going to give facts. I am taking all the bills and cut off notices and such. I plan on showing how irresponsible he has been.

As far as my feelings go I was not going to let that happen in court, I am bidding my time because one day I will get the chance to let WH know exacttly what I feel. He needs a dose of my anger, and he has not had it at any point since all this crap started. I can do it constructively and get my point across. I will see how I feel come next week. If I still feel like i do right now he will hear from me.

I do hope he is going to agree to the terms of the LS though because he told my SIL he saw no problem in paying me the amount of spousal support requested. Well if thats the case why has he not been paying before now? What I had to get a judge involved for him to take some resposibility? What a crock of crap that is ...... I think he told her that to make himself look good..... We shall see...

Yp I do think DD needs to go live with WH and OW. See how long she contimues to call her mom after a few flair ups.... She will then see just how much of a mom OW really is......

Hurting -

Have you stopped to consider that your daughter is giving you the heartache because you are the safe one? She has lost her dad and really can't speak the truth to him. He is all tied up in the OW, and right now will drop any of his family who dare not to go along with his current thinking.

Personally, I feel bad for her. I hope that you don't send her to live with OW and WH. Instead you need to show her how a virtuous woman behaves.

My WH caused havoc in our family. I don't see my grandchildren at all - and I used to have them every weekend. Right after D-day, my 6 year old grand-daughter told me that Grandpa didn't want her and her mom to spend time with me, but that she loved me. I don't see my two step-daughters or their sisters. My step-son has stood by me, and I'm very close with him.

I used to be best friends with my sister-in-law, and now I haven't seen her in over a year. My WH's brother thinks my WH is having a MLC and that he is CRAZY, but he avoids me too.

These waywards have no compunction about bad-mouthing the BS. Any family that dares to disagree is cut out of their life. That is the way they operate and try to legitimize the affair.

Melody was right when she said she could see Satan laughing.

My WH's sister and I used to be best friends