hurting....

Your DD will see through it all one day don't worry. I was much younger than your DD when my Dad started some of this stuff with me ....He would always try to get me on his side against my mom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....well finally when I was 12 I saw through the game and I realized it wasn't helping me build a relationship with my mom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> (she was quite angry about all that~who could blame her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)! I stopped playing the game! He was very angry, said he would get back at me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> and not be there for me when I had a hard time with my mom (he stood by his word <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)....but by then I was so done with the games I did not care what he said....it was just all sickening to me! Took a long time to heal and have a decent R with my dad....and I have a really good R with my mom now........it all works out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So, your DD will see through it....it may take some time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....but she will....and you just stick to your guns! Don't let her get away with it...she is old enough to take responsibility and she needs to respect you!

All the best....{{{{{hurting}}}}}}

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh, please don't send her away, hurting. She may not come back. She could get killed. She did a stupid thing and is allowing herself to be used but please don't dump her off with those utterly irresponsible adults. You may never see her again.

Believer,

I hear what your saying and I understand it. But I was so hurt that DD could even do something like this. I know she knows I am the safe one. I just don't understand why she hurt me so. she told me she does not want to live with them.

I just want her to know how bad I am hurting and what she said and did tore me up. I have to be honest here I just feel like her calling OW mom and acting accepting of this whole sorid mess will just prolong the affair because it makes its legit to WH and OW. She does not realize this is what she doing. She falt told me she will do whatever she needs to so she does not loose her dad. I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to say to her either.

All of this is just prolonging the affair and I am beginning to wonder if it will ever die. I am so numb right now I have no feelings of love or hate for my WH, I just feel pity for him and his poor choices. Because I know someday he will be a broken man and I may not be there for him and it breaks my heart. But I can't or won't sit here forever and wait.

I am so glad I have counseling tomorrow maybe she can help me figure something out for DD....

I don't want to send her away I love my DD. I just want some respect from her and for her to see the truth.

It's bad enough WH is killing my heart but for her to do it is almost worse. Like I said I am going to talk to my IC and see what she says.....

I can't help but wonder if he is doing this to get back at you for filing LS papers? You are taking what is most important to him at this moment in the marriage, his money; and so he will take what is important to you, your daughter. In my friend's case, her husband took her daughter to get out of paying child support. It worked and until his OW left him, he thought he was so clever. Please don't let him manipulate you like this. I beg of you to work with your daughter to maintain a strong loving relationship.

Hurting -

What you do is model grace and faithfulness. Your daughter will be watching you. She may make decisions the rest of her life by your example.

On the one hand, she has her dad, and the homewrecker who are shacked up - and the OW is still married to some guy. The infidels are living it up right now, but that won't last.

On the other hand, she has her mom who has stuck to her vows for 24 years and is trying to save her marriage and family.

I would rebuke Satan, and let him have no place in your life. You cannot control what your WH does, but you can control what influence comes into your home.

Melody,

I don't want to loose my DD. I love her I just want her to understand what is happening.

WH has already lost the respect of his 2 sons. The oldest one can't understand why I would even want him back after all of this. I just hope WH gets it before he has ruined his realationships with his children. And when DD finally does realize what is happening it may be to late for her and him..... By the time he gets it , it may to late for all of us.......

hurting, I know its hard, but as the adult here, its up to you to put your feelings aside and do what is best for her. Your hurt feelings [albeit rightfully hurt] have to come second to your DD. She is very much in need of some guidance and a serious can of Texas whoop a*s. You are the only one around who has the sanity to give her guidance. Her father and the OW surely don't. They are just using her.

Please calm down and don't take any action on this right now, ok?

The funny thing is he won't have to pay child support for DD since she is not in school. He is not even trying anything with DS the one he will have to pay for. But I believe thats because DS pretty much blows his dad off and WH knows DS does nt want to be live with him.

I will talk to DD again , but it will be tomorrow I don't have it in me tonight. I need to think and work all of this out in my head.

Beleiver your right I control me and my home thats it and I am not going to allow Satan to take over my home or myself. I will continue to be honest and do what I have been doing all these months. I realize if I let my anger control me I will be doing what Sata and WH want me to do so they c an continue justify this mess. I am a better person than that.... I just have ot keep telling myself that....

Wonderful post, believer! I agree 100%!

Mel,

I am not taking any actions right now. I need to calm down and think about this rationally. I am going to talk to my IC and get her take on this...

I just wish I knew how to talk to DD so she can understand how I feel ....

Good girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mel !!!! I'm trying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hurting:

I don't think you're losing your DD respect and love by letting her take the hard road. Yes, you need to continue to be the parent and adult, but that doesn't mean taking the continued disrepect from DD.

She's 18, and yes, she needs guidance and you have provided that, however, there's a time to say enough is enough. You earn her respect by setting boundaries. No, she's not going to like it and she's going to "side" with WH for a SHORT while, what kid doesn't do that when they can use one parent against the other. She very well knows what she's doing.

I think you're IC will be able to give you good advice and help you set some boundaries up for your WDD too.

I don't agree with some of the other posters here. You don't have to put aside your feelings and it's ok to be angry in a productive way.

DD needs to be held accountable and have consequences for her mouth and her actions. She's not a 12 year old child. IMHO - That's precisely why "children" are growing up with disrespect for other etc.

I've seen too, too many times where parents run to the child's aid after the child was out and out wrong and have defended their actions and did what it took to get the "kid" out of trouble. What's that teaching the kid? It's not.

Hurting, I've been thinking about you and your daughter. My middle child is 18 also.

No matter how old or young, kids want the love of their parent. Like it's been said, your daughter is playing a dangerous game. She's selling her soul to have a little bit of her dad.

Does she realize that this man is NOT truly her dad? He is a man who has not behaved in an honorable manner. He has not honored his vows to you or his commitment to anyone else in the family. Does she think she can trust a man like that? Sadly, there is an excellent chance that he will betray DD like he has everyone else.

I spend a lot of my day telling kids to make the right decision. If they don't make the right decision, ie. they get into trouble, they spend recess on the timeout wall. They lose priviledges. Those are the consequences.

If she thinks that playing these games with her dad is the right decision, then she needs to pay the consequences. You need to set your boundaries about this and enforce them. You've already told her that you don't want her to talk to you about WH or OW. You have no control over what she calls OW. Tell DD that she can call OW "Mom" all she wants to but you don't want to hear it. And just because she calls her that, doesn't make it so.

You do not need to enable this relationship. If she wants to live with you, great but she needs to stay within your boundaries. Perhaps she needs to realize that since her father is not contrbuting $ to your household, she needs to. I agree that living with her father would probably not be a safe place. It might be an informative time, but not a safe place. At 18 and out of school, maybe she needs to think about finding her own way in the world. She's talked about living with her brother. Maybe she should find an apartment with friends.

Kids..........

Two more thoughts that occurred to me after I posted:

First, perhaps you are the safe one to unload upon. During his teen years, my oldest often treated me poorly. I was the one person in his world that it was okay to dump on. I've done better about setting my boundaries on that with him. He's also grown out of it. The other kids haven't repeated it. When we have interactions, I bear this in mind.

Second, pardon me for this but your daughter doesn't seem to be a person who has a lot of tools to get through life. I believe you said that she did not finish high school. That's big strike in the education department. It doesn't sound like she has a lot of marketable job skills. The question for me is how does she think she's going to get through life? Would she be thinking that being an OW is an acceptable life skill? That gloming on to someone else's husband is a good way to get ahead in life? She's seen how it very possible for a woman to waltz into a married man's life, steal him away and then be comfortably kept.

Scary thought. I'd discuss it with her. Maybe you should talk about how she plans to make a living as an adult without either you or her dad. Help her with some goal setting.

inanutshell and gg,

I agree with what both of you have said.

I thought about this long and hard last night. I couldn't sleep for thinking about it.

I have decided to have a long talk with DD this morning and let her know my boundries and tell her this is how it will be or she will have to make the descion to find her own place. I don't want to make her move out and if she can follow my boundries and respect me then she will be fine.

I have tried to explain to her before about her dad and that this is not really him and about how his choices have devestated our family. I know she see's it but is unwilling to admit it, she has said herself he seems different but is willing to accept it just to keep the relationship with him.

I understand her bond with her dad because I loved my dad very much as well. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I remember the pain of him not being home. I remember when he moved out of state how I tried to do anything to go with him. My mother bless her soul was hurt but finally talked to me about my dads drinking and made me realize that would not be a good thing. Yes, I was mad at her for awhile and I knew he drank but at the time it didn't matter he was my daddy. So in a way I do understand how DD feels. Its like you will do whatever and accept whatever not to loose them. Today though I can thank my mom for making those boundries and risk loosing my love for making me stay with her.

Now my dad did re-marry about a year later and was married to this woman until his death in 95. They were married over 20 yrs but I never called her mom. My dad stopped drinking after the divorce about a year later. I c an remember my dad always regreted the divorce from my mom and for years he tried to get her back and was willing to give up his new wife for her. When I became an adult and had my own family I can remember my dad coming to myself and my H and crying telling us to always be good to each other and saying don't ever let anything come between you because you will regret it for the rest of your life. My dad did and he died a very sad man because he lost his family due to the bottle. When my dad was on his death bed, he wanted nothing more than my mom, he had a brain anuriusm(sp) and thought his wife was my mom. It was heart breaking for her but she held up well, but that was when she realized where his heart really was even after 20 some years.

I know this is off track with DD but I do know somewhat how she feels. It also makes me see that no matter what happens with WH and I , I will always be in his heart and someday it will all come out......

GG, we had that discussion last night actually about her school and what she wanted from life. All I got out of her was its my life and I will just have to learn the hard way. Nothing I say gets through to her. She is determined to things her way and figure it out as it happens. She wants everyone to butt out of her life and let her live it like she wants... I have talked until I am blue in the face with her but nothing gets through..

My daughter at age 18 acted much the same way as your daughter. She wanted to learn the hard way. I know you think what you are saying isn't getting through to her but I know it is. My daughter is now 23 and her behavior is showing that my words did get through although at the time I certainly didn't think they were. Keep sending consistent messages. It isn't alright to disrespect one's parents and you can't tolerate. Stay consistent and loving. She will eventually come around.

However if you do find a way to get an 18 year old to admit she is wrong, let us know. I think you could write a book and make millions off it lol.

If she wants everyone to butt out of her life and let her learn by her mistakes. Then she needs to be an independent adult and learn by living on her own, getting a full time job, paying her own way etc. etc. She chose to quit high school and hasn't followed through with a GED etc. etc.

Our daughter (my SD) has been in a mode of denial since she went off to college and didnt' really go to college (unbeknonwnst to us at the time). We let her move back home twice and helped her get on her feet, but it became apparent that wasn't going to work. I did the same as you talked until I was blue in the face, helped her get her finances together, baled her out of financial trouble and other messes she got herself into.

While she does work full time, it's in a dead end job and she seems to have no motivation to move forward. Hindsight being 20/20, we would have given her one chance at home again and not done it a second time. I believe we just prolonged her growing up and facing reality. Now, it's on her mother's shoulders. I don't say anything to her any longer as she's an adult and makes her own choices and there's nothing I can do about it. She will have to face the consequences some day.

She's currently living with her mother(who's yet a child at 39), not paying rent, etc. etc.

I guess I got off track a bit, but wanted to make the point, you're not helping her by allowing her to be "live like she wants" in your home. She wants to do that, she moves out and faces the real world.

Best of luck. I don't envy your position. It's a tough one on top of having to face WH stupidity.

Hurting, I hope you don't mind me asking you this - but did your mom ever remarry?

I'm just wondering why she wasn't prepared to reconcile.

Alph.