HI, Hurting. I just thought I would put my 2 cents in. I agree with inanutshell.

When my eldest was about 13 she was living with her Dad and hated it! She started hanging out with older boys and was being a total pain.So she moved in with me. And then she got in with a bad crowd where I lived. I warend her that her behaviour would not be tolerated. She continued and One day she came home from school and found all her things packed. I drove her back to her father's. Consequences of disresepct.
Then when she was in her last year of High school she started REALLY going wild. And her father had enough. We talked and I went over to talk to her. I was actually prepared to kidnap her we were that concerned. However, I amde a deal with her. graduate form HIgh School and she could come back to live with me. Her big thing was that she thought she was grown and she wanted to not answer to anyone. She thought she could live with me save money for a couple of months and then magically have all this money to get her own apartment.
So my offer was move in with me. Pay rent and you can be your own boss. I showed her how much the utilites, food and rent bills were. I figured out how much of a percentage she was costing me. Then I gave her that figure. WOW! She didn't like that too much. he he he. Then I said that to be fair, lol, I would instead charge her 30% of her NET earnings. That she MUST pay be before she did anything else. That worked for so many reasons. THat covered the rent and utilities BUT NO FOOD and No enyertainment. All things she owuld have to take care of on her own.

And we both lived by our agreement. When she finaly did move out, she had a darned good idea of how much things REALLY cost.

So she lived by rules we could BOTH live with and she LEAREND what the real world is like. A win-win imho. A POJA lol before I knew what that meant! She's 26 now and doing extremely well. She has her own car, her own apartment. And is responsible. She still thanks me for being a harda$$ about her behaviour.

Alphin,

yes my mom was remarried at the time. Since then though she was divorced due to her H'S MLC and affair. He up and left after 15 yrs and never looked back until the judge made him pay her big bucks. Then he wanted back but my mom was so hrt she couldn't do it. She still gets part of his retirement even though she has married to a wonderul man who treats her wonderful

My mom sometimes has wished she had taken my dad back as she still loved him as well. But she was not willing to hurt someone else and she did love her H at the time. I remember after my parents divorced my dad sis try many times to get her back, from saying he was dying to threatening suicide but he was still drinking and mom had enough of the drunken tiraids and not knowing when he would come home. Once he stopped drinking though my mom and found someone else so it was to late for my dad.

It was really sad to watch these two people who loved each other never be able to be together again because of his bad choices. That is my fear with my sitch. I am afraid that by the time WH realizes what has happened it will be to late.

I had a talk w ith DD this morning. I just laid it all out on the line and told her how I felt and the story of my parents which she never knew before. My DD never really knew my dad because he lived so far away and she was 8 when he died. As I was telling her this story tears came to her eyes and she became sad. I told her that was my fear with her dad that once he realizes what has happened it will be to late. I told her I understood how she felt but that I as her mom had to be the rational one right now protect her from this maddness. I don't know if she understood what all I said only time will tell. I told her that we no longer would discuss WH or OW unless it was just memories we felt like talking about. She said that she does not accept his choices or OW but her fear of loosing her dad is strong.

I told her DD we can love someone and have a relationship with them but that does not mean we have to accept bad choices they make. I have many times not accepted someones bad choices and let them know that but I still loved them and had a relationship with them. I am not sure how much sunk in to her I hope some of it did.

Anyhow this is were I stand now,....

{{{{Hurting}}}}

Your DD is being used as a pawn to abuse you, but she doesn't care because she wants her daddy's love. My DD's dad did the same thing, but worse. I know you have talked to her, and will again. But if it doesn't sink in, she will have to learn it for herself, some are just that type.
Some learn better through experience, the hard way.

And Hurting....her biggest clue to you was when she said,
its my life and I will just have to learn the hard way.

Sometimes it's sad to hear, but children will tell us exactly what they need to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


But...if talking does no good and you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it again you could
put it in a letter to her, as a reminder like this...short and to the point.

Dear D,

1. Please respect me and do not call OW mom again. How did you feel when you heard OWD call your dad...dad? Well that is how I felt...betrayed!

2. And never ask me to take you where OW is again for money or anything else....period.



Lady

Lady,

I have said my last peace on this issue with her. She will have to learn this the Hard way as she says.

I already told her I will no more take her anywhere that has to do with OW or WH, if they want to see you its on them to come get you or you walk. I hate being this way but I am not going to go along for the ride to keep the peace anymore.

So as far as I am concerned I have said and done all I can... Its now all on DD and WH'S shoulders to do the right things.

It's interesting how our situations are so similar. My parents divorced and were trying to reconcile just prior to my F's death...

Here we are trying to work on our marriages and to not make the mistakes that our parents did....

Plus, I have a "knuckle-head" 19 year old who really struggled because of this A stuff...

He told me one time, in as close to emotional as a young man would allow himself to become, "This stuff has almost made me feel "CRAZY"...He saw and experienced a lot of stuff that he SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD to go through at his age...That's what makes OUR CHILDREN different than the NORMAL TEENAGER... I agree with your need to be sensitive to your daughter's confusion and unhappiness about all of this....

At the same time, my DS has tried to use the situation to his benefit to manipulate both my H and I...That's the normal teenage part..We've had to learn not to let him get away with this...So I agree with her having a consequence for any disrespect AND she needs to do her share in the household..either WORKING or GOING TO SCHOOL TO GET HER GED...This would be best for her in a zillion ways...

I'm agreeing with MEL...you can't send your daughter into the pits of HE%%% This would ruin her. They don't care about her. For her own good, she needs the direction of her LOVING MOTHER...

BUT SHE DOES NEED TOUGH LOVE....

I feel for you in this...I understand.....

THIS IS AWFUL....

Take Good Care....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mim,

It is odd how much alike our lives are.

You know we all keep saying that WH and OW are living in the pitts of ******. Just suppose for a minute thats not true. How do we really know they arn't happy? How do we know this affair will end? We don't know anything for sure.

I have been really thinking about this a lot. Yes, WH may seem to be following a script but do we really know? I do believe someday regrets will come but maybe not the regrets we think they will be.

Maybe I am just trying to rationalize this in my head and come to some kind of closure and let go. Maybe its just easier to say maybe this was meant to be. I don't know the answers to my questions and probably never will.

Don't get me wrong I am not giving up the hope that someday things will change and WH will become a H again. But I also need to face the fact that maybe just maybe he really is happy and I am the one living in a fog.

I guess maybe this is something all BS'S feel at some point I don't know. Maybe its just acceptance of how life is right now. I am feeling some peace in life now, some acceptance that I may never have my H back again. Yes it hurts to think that but not as bad as it did even just a few weeks ago. Maybe I am letting go and moving forward without him.

How do we really know they aren't happy?
False

[b] How do we know this affair will end? We don't know anything for sure.
True

Maybe its just easier to say maybe this was meant to be.
False

But I also need to face the fact that maybe just maybe he really is happy and I am the one living in a fog.
False

Maybe I am letting go and moving forward without him.
True

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well, I have strong faith. I believe in God. I know for sure that an A is sinful and that they are engaged in evil practices. Adulterers are said to go to HE** if their is no repentance. No good comes from EVIL....

Your WH may feel "HAPPY" so to speak...if you consider a DRUNKEN STUPOR that you get from being a deceitful liar who abandons his family and manipulates his children for his own selfish desires HAPPY....

I PUT MY FAITH IN GOD AND KNEW THAT HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF ME ONE WAY OR THE OTHER WHETHER THE A ENDED OR NOT.....

This is an AFFAIR, Hurting...

This is not a man who said he was unhappy, asked for a divorce, and THEN fell "IN LOVE" with another woman....

This was conceived, fed and fueled by dishonesty, deceit and EVIL....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

And BTW, my FWH has told me this....

He cerainly FELT GOOD and EVEN HAPPY during his A..

He thought he was IN LOVE with the OW...

In fact, I accept that he DID LOVE HER....Love is a VERB and she acted LOVING towards HIM...and he towards her...

However, he said that he never could get rid of the NAGGING REALIZATION that what he was doing was WRONG.....

This can not be made into THE RIGHT THING to do...

Mimi,

I know your right, I guess I am just trying to accept my life as it is for now.

In 8 days I have to face this man in a court room and I think I am trying to accept things to make myself stronger to be able to do it. I have to be strong on that day, I just have to be........

Mimi,

If thats how your H felt, then what made him decide to end it and come home?

If he felt happy and lovng towards her how did he walk away???? What triggered it? This is what I don't understand if they feel this way how do they walk away from it?

I was trying to say that it was not REAL HAPPINESS...

It was a DRUG-CRAZED, DRUNKEN STUPOR....

Reality started to set in..

He got to see her for what she REALLY is/was...

He says that he learned that it was all BULL SH....That's what he calls IT now... Not just HER, THE WHOLE SITUATION..THE AFFAIR...When the bubble burst, he was left with the WRONGNESS of it all...AND she didn't ever see it as WRONG..He SAYS that SCARED him, too...

It was not about HER...it was about the FEELING that she produced for him...He could no longer capture that FEELING anymore...

The FEELING is INTOXICATION...It's ECTASY..actually a WORD that he has used to describe this...when required to create this FULL TIME during PLAN B, she couldn't do it...

He began to miss ME....like your H will begin to miss YOU...Hopefully, for him, you will still be around..

Ok then I think I have a btter understanding of what you are saying. I believe my H'S OW will probably feel the same like like nothing was wrong with all of this.

I don't see me not being here for him Mimi at least not anytime soon. Even if he divorces me I still will be here.

I have no desire to rush out and find anyone new or give up on him anytime soon , married or not........ I love him I have almost 25 yrs worth of love in me and its not going anywhere anytime soon....

You know I do wonder what will be going through his mind when we see each other next week for the first time in over 2 months..... I can't even imagine what I will be thinking or feeling....

It is VERY HARD..As you notice, 2 False Recoveries...

In the end there, with Steve H.'s assistance, I had to HELP HIM...

I had to communicate a willingness to HELP HIM...

It's like HELPING HIM BEAT AN ADDICTION...

I continue to do this..ride with him into her neighborhood..talk to him on the phone when he feels lonely and vulnerable..etc.

This stuff is not for SISSIES....as you well know...

Sometimes I have to ask myself how in the world I did this but I did and YOU CAN TOO....

YOU WILL SURVIVE...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I am willing to help him but he has yet to reach out to me.

I wonder how will I know he is reaching out?

I know its hard and I am willing to do the hard work , I know it will be a long hard ride with lots of ups and downs.

I just want him to reach out for the help..... I am here but he does not see it....

I think it will take some TIME in your case, Hurting...

Focus on yourself and continue to BELIEVE....


WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG...NO GOOD WILL COME FROM IT...

I know Mimi, I see myself as one of the ones I have read about that has taken a year or two.

You know WH has said he wants to marry OW. If he does the divorce it could happen. Not saying it will last but if that happens, I don't know if I could ever take him back.

I really truely never thought this would last this long. I was so very wrong....

I just got back from my IC. We talked about DD and what happened.

She agreed that DD is doing whatever she can to keep the relationship with her dad. She felt the talk I had with DD was appropriate and that I need to stick with my boundries. She did say sounds to her that DD is one who will have to learn the hard way and no amount of talk will change her. She just told me to be supportive and be preparred for when DD realizes the truth about this situation.

We talked about my court next week. She gave me some good advice as to practice different scenarios and how i would react to them. From the good to the bad. She said if I practice them and say what I want to say then if /when one of the scenarios happen the words will just come out naturally. She did say if he wants to talk I just needto say to him , we have nothing to talk abut as long as you are with OW and turn and walk away. She said if I practice this then I can be strong while doing it and show him how strong I am and it will let him see what a strong person he is walking away from. She said then if you get to the car and break thats ok do it. So she made me an appointment f r Monday in case things go bad and I need her sooner than Thursday.

As I walked in her office she had His Needs , Her Needs on her desk she has been reading it. She has now read Dr. Harleys books due to my situation and she truely believes and likes his concepts. She is helping me so much follow the plans. She understand them and agrees with them. I am so glad I found an IC who will read and truely seems to care to help me through this...

So this is my IC update for this week ...

hurting....

Always glad to see when the IC sessions go well....

I seem to always walk out of mine feeling more positive and hopeful....even this week when I just cried in there the whole hour.....

Your IC is really intersted in helping you out and interested in learning more which is always a good sign! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wish you the best getting ready for next week. I know it must be really scary to face your WH now......you can do it....just look how much you have already overcome....look at you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />! I bet you did not think you could make it to Dec...yet here you are! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy,

Thanks for the encouragement. Scared isn't even the word I feel for next friday. Its more like terror. I have never been this long without seeing him. I just don't have any clue what to expect. I know its someone who looks like my H but its not my H.

Yes my IC is wonderful she is wanting to learn about MB'S and I believe if we ever get to the recovery stage it will be very helpful for me. Since she will know all of the concepts of this.

Your right I never thought I would make it through all of these months but I have. Seems like a miracle actually that I am still sane.....