Hurting:

When I read these statements from you, I instantly see the "old" Hurting, the one asking for affirmation, the one asking us to give her the "hope" that her Wayward Husband is coming back. Please for the love of God, remember what the oustcome of all of this has to be...NOT JUST that your WH comes back. If you go back to making this the end goal in your life and from going through all of this pain and struggle, you are gonna truly be "hurting in Oklahoma".

You are a shining example why PLAN B works. Your WH got some contact, he got a "fix" and he sent you back spiraling...asking for "hope" asking for affirmation....getting the "thoughts" running again in your head. You went instantly back to "reacting" to what he says, to what he "may do".

Yes, you gained some advantage by the Divorce not being filed and the LS being signed, but you after just 2 days, you are clearly wobbly on this.

PLEASE STOP THIS ALL NOW.

Your WH did not leave the OW, his word is worth about as much as a Dirt trader in Pakistan's 401K (my favorite anaology).....Please don't try and read the "tea" leaves. You are setting yourself up for a fall if you go back to "hoping" and "banking" on a Waywards words.

I am not saying you will NOT get your marriage back or that you did mot make tremendous progress in all of this, but as someone who has followed this saga the entire time, I am seeing glaring "glimpses" of the "old" Hurting, and I don't like it. Don't let this potential ground breaking event be a major setback for you.

Your WH is the type of spouse to come back. Things with the OW are crumbling, and as is his "type", staying with her will become more painful and burdensome than coming back to his family, so he is testing the "waters" to gauge the temperature for his return. But that is all he is doing. NOTHING MORE.

I would stop all of the "what if's" or "when's" because the fact of the matter is....your Cheater Husband is STILL with the Other Woman right now as I type this, so in essence nothing has changed for you, and you have to press on WITH YOUR plan so that YOU can eventually be successful.

Harsh perhaps, but you need this tonight. You have had more than "enough" congrtaulations and "atta boys" already. Don't be the dieter who loses 5 pounds and celbrates by going to an all you can eat buffet. DON'T DO THIS.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I used to ask myself this question, too. It's because he has an ADDICTION to the OP...Why can't people just stop drinking or just stop smoking? Same principle....



In getting ready for Recovery, you have got to understand that THE FOG is REAL.. He doesn't have LOGICAL REASONS for what he is doing.. He will try to give LOGICAL answers to your questions but he is just PLAYING IT BY EAR...trying to make it from minute to minute...day to day... a CONFUSED, LOST MAN is what you will have on your hands for months and months to come....

He remains a WH...LOST and CONFUSED...TEMPORARILY INSANE....

You cannot apply LOGIC to this situation....

Back to your PLAN B....

THIS WILL TAKE A LOT MORE TIME....

Believer,

I am in for the long haul no doubt. I have not given up even after all of the bad things that has happened.

Well going to get ready for work. I am off tomorrow and monday , so got time to do some cleaning around here.

Mimi,

I hope you don't mean a lot more time for him to leave OW?

I know it maybe some time before he is ready to come home, he even said that himself, he may get a room somewhere or stay in his truck but he insists he is leaving her home soon. Then again it could be more lies. He said yesterday he has never stopped loving me and wants our marriage to work but yet he is not ready to come home. Does this make any sense ? No it does not..... So how do I know what to believe anymore?

Is it Fear, Guilt or a combination of both?

Lem,

As usuaual you are right. I have fallen back into the old thinking patterns. That was my biggest fear of having contact with him.

I feel like i am spiraling downward again. I don't want to be there again, I want to be were I was before yesterday. I was doing fine and not obsessing over this.

Why did he have to say anything about leaving her, I would have probably not fallen so far back if he had not said that and got me thinking it would be soon.

I just have to get him out of my system again and back to the safe place I was. I will get there again, it just may take a few days.

Ok, Hurting.....go back to start and don't collect 200.00.

RE-READ this statement by yourself !

How many people (including Mimi who went the "distance" with this), said those exact words. "He said he is gonna do this".

WHAT HE SAYS MEANS NOTHING !!!!

I am sorry, but I think yesterday's events were on the whole more "damaging" to your PLAN than "good".

That's ok, stop the spiral TONIGHT !

Resend your PLAN B Letter if necessary.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,

You may be right. I need to reinforce to him my planb. I did yesterday tell him he had to leave OW before we can do anything but maybe I do need to give him the letter again.

Thanks Lem for pointing this out to me.... Words are words and nothing more. When and if he shows actions then maybe I can believe something...

You forgot what I said yesterday...

He will feel better about the A now, having taken care of his family and thinking that he placated you by saying that he still loves you, etc.

The A, unfortunately, will not be over until he leaves her and that will be hard for him to do..

You do not want him to come back until he is absolutely finished with her...

I don't want for you what happened to me..two false recoveries..Remember...

Yes..it may be awhile before he comes back...

TIME IS YOUR FRIEND...NOT YOUR ENEMY...

Let him take all the time he needs...

Keep getting stronger in your PLAN B...Yes, I agree with LM..send the letter again..or even a new letter...spelling out very clearly the way back home...

He is trying to end it...but ACCEPT that it will be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT FOR HIM...

Sorry...that's the way it is...

Mimi,

I hear what ytour saying and I understand it, its just so hard to accept.

I went to work tonight and had to leave because i just broke down. I knew seeing him would do this to me, I feel like I did about 3 months ago.

I am glad i have the next 2 days off maybe it will give me the time to get it together again. I can't believe that I fell so far back just by having the contact I did. I was so strong in court and when talking to him. I let him know what was needed to have our marriage, I never waviered one time. But today has been pure he$$ for me.

The longing for him has come back, the pain of not seeing him has come back. I just feel awful right now.

Hurting:

I hate to tell you this...but I don't want you to make my mistakes...

REMEMBER HOW YOU ARE FEELING TONIGHT...

This is what his WITHDRAWAL from the OW will be like..this is why he will be tempted to contact her again during RECOVERY...

This lets you know that you want him to stay with her until he cannot stand being with her any longer..

He needs to SUFFER the CONSEQUENCES of his actions...

{{{{{Hurting}}}}}

Mimi,

I know your right I want him to be finsihed with her and done. I don't want another false recovery. Been there done that 2 times already.

I just have to get myself back to where I was a few days ago. Its just so hard.... But I will get there, I know I will I did before when I never thought I would.

Who r u longing for to come back? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

L.

orchid,

I am wanting my real H back not the WH. Just seeing him made me want the real thing back home...... I know he is in there I saw a few glimpses of him on friday, I believe the real H is trying to come to the surface .... but it seems to be a battle right now between the 2 .....

Im with believer- you know what you are going to do *IF* he approaches you, so stop thinking about it.

Its WAY too early to be dreaming about this. Yes, that's blunt. He's got you in a tizzy now, whether you admit it or not. Just one crumb of change and you are obssessing again.

Refocus. He's not worthy of your time and energy right now.

Mojo,

I know he has me in a tizzy I will admit that. I know all of you are right as well.

I know he can't come home until he is done with her and is ready to work on us. I also know alot of what he said to me maybe lies, but I am trying to keep a little bit of hope that some of it was truthful. I know even if he moves from OW'S that does not mean he is ready to work on us.

Just him not signing the d papers showed me he has doubts in all of this. He even said he had doubts and didn't want to have regrets and that he knows I have been going to counseling to work on my own issues and he sees the changes I am making. He wants to go to counseling for himself and make the changes he needs to. This is the first time he has ever agreed to conseling, I didn't ask him to do it he brought it up himself. If he truly means it and follows through then he is making some baby steps in the right direction. I know this is a long ways from over and anything could happen but I can't but feel positive but yet still scared its all lies.

So all I can do is sit back and watch and keep praying he is trying to do the right things. Time will tell....

Hurting hun ~ when my husband was at this stage...it was 8 more months before he pulled his head out of his you-know-what.

Plan B is for your protection, so you can maintain your sanity in the meantime.

He still has a few more lessons to learn.

Stay dark, do not participate in the triangle that binds them together - let them implode.

With nothing but good things (your Plan A) to compare against the OW, the more she LBs, the better you look.

Your job is staying out of sight so your emotions do not get the best of you and ruin the work you put into plan A.

Bramble,

Thank you for the your insight. I appreciate it so much.

I know its going to take some more time, I am prepared to wait and not involve myself in their mess.

Your right I don't want to mess up my planA, it may not have been the best plan A but it was good.

I can't afford for my emotions to take over and LB all over the place with him. I kow I have to stay away from him so I can keep my love safe and not loose it on him.

I see the A crumbling its a slow process but I knew it would happen eventually. It's on its last leg but still not there yet. I know she is LB'ing I have no doubt just by a few things he said but yet its not to the critical point yet of him totally walking out.

Patience has not been one of my best virtues in my life but I am learning it now thats for sure. I am patiently waiting for this all to end. Its hard because I just want to shake him and say what the he$$ are you thinking.... I know that would do no good.....

I appreciate all of you and I know that maybe some of you are getting impatient with me and my obsessing but it will get better. I made it through it before and I will again. I just need a few days to get over the last contact that sent me reeling again. Don't give up on me ......

While taking my walk, I thought about you, Hurting...

I know exactly how you are feeling...

I won't get impatient with you...

It happens after having contact with your Wh...

You will feel better in a day or so..it's the withdrawal..

I agree wholeheartedly with BR...it will take time..but he is making movement...slowly but surely...

Step back and let the A self-destruct...

It's real important that you stay out of the way of this...out of sight...so it is ALL ABOUT THEM...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I know your right an in fact after making my last post I went back and read your planb saga.

I see so much of my WH in yours. The last part were he was telling you it is going to end and how much you went through waiting for it to happen.

I see the my WH saying he is moving away from her soon but with no real time. I got the just give me some time the other day. He says is is going to happen after the first of the year. He says give him until then, I guess I just don't understand why it he has to set a time. It was easy to walk away from me but not her. I saw were your FWH said he had to get things from her and pretty much get his ducks in a row I guess. I see thats what my WH seems to be doing. I just don't understand it. I guess I never will.

I know he has to do this in his own time, I guess this way when its over its over.

Just re-reading your sitch gives me hope because they are so much alike. My WH seems to be saying and doing the things yours did.

I am glad you won't give up on me and stick by me through this mess. I appreciate you more than you will ever know...


Hurting