Hurting:

I have not had time to read all of the posts to your thread the past couple days, but wanted you to know that WH is still on the typical WH path. They must pass the same words around. Keep on track. I'm sure Mimi and some of the others have some good things to say to you.

Caught somewhere about DD and pregnancy, but again, don't have time to catch up.

Busy with some puppy and dog rescues right now, but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Don't listen to WH's babble fog.

My heart goes out to you {{{{Hurting}}} and the trials you are going through . So many of the things–and frustrations pain panic and anxiety that you are feeling I remember well. Can it still work?

Only been about a few weeks but judging by what I have read of yours and others posts in these last few weeks, and my own experiences I’d say that your husband is still lost in the fog too. No way is he in his right frame of mind–by your reaction I’d say he is still acting very much the alien to you and yours just by virtue of his inability to grasp the pain he is putting you and your family through right now.

Now how to get him out of the fog? That is the question. I firmly believe for myself that my FWH’s OW disillusioned him herself without me having to lift a finger beyond what you are now doing–doing the best I could and giving up on him. (When WH did not help me and pushed me and mine to the brink-- much less care enough to do so in his then current state of mind.) Hard to swallow I know, but once I accepted this it was not quite as painful to me. U know he did not have the power he had over me before. My advice to you would be not to give up on yourself and or your hope for restoring/rebuilding your marriage, but for now do give up on him so that it doesn’t hurt as much everytime he fails you–IE is not there when you need him. & I see that you are already well on this track, accepting he will not be there for you, at least for now.

And, OW feels insecure with you living so close –O yes, Bingo! Good then stay put. Every time she feels insecure he’s gonna get disillusion glimpse through the fog from OW. & Good for your, MIL. What ever can make them–specifically rattle OW cage can not be a bad thing. Then she’ll give him a time and withdraw deposits from the love bank.

I agree with Trix and others with relation to his filing for divorce, don’t believe its gonna happen until you see it happen. I am sure my FWH had grandiose plans to divorce me to for OW-- to hear her tell it he actually gave her an engagement ring so I have little doubt it was in the workings of his then fog induced mind.

Again I am no expert but don’t consider plan B as yet, stick to plan A and do all the damage you can “innocently” to make WH see OW outside of the fog. I am still dealing with FOW in my FWH life, only because she is not giving up, but every day I feel stronger about my relationship with FWH who has had no contact with her for 4 mths. And as of midnight last night–last message FOW left on FWH cell phone–I am now in the crutch of the knowledge that OW may even be pregnant. I highly doubt this so ( and if so if it is his) as she has used every other means to get his attention back, and her nature and determination to get him back is such that this is a bit of a weapon that she would have pulled out a long time ago if such were the case. But if she is I will deal with it like I have had to deal with everything else–so I guess the long way around to say this I know, "just do not give up" if you still want it to work.

The thing that I marvel at-- as in get a perverse sense of satisfaction in is that the knowledge that FWH is with me is driving OW crazy. I am grateful that I was spared real knowledge even if I did have my heartbreaking suspicions of his relationship with OW that were then too easy to deny, till after it had ended. And I recognize that you do not have this grace. But you do have the upside of knowing who you are dealing with and as such you can uncover her weaknesses and “innocently” use them against her. If it bugs her the time he gives to you and yours then try to discover innocent ways to use this to your advantage–I say innocent cause you do not want to come across as needy and clingy and go against a grain of plan A. And with relationship of your wonderful MIL, well let her and any other family members willing to do so do as much damage as they can–you are innocently not responsible for their action and reactions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Consider yourself hugged,

I am amazed at how much our situations are alike. It is really unreal. I have heard everything that you have, from it will never be the same, it will never work out, we can be friends, I want you to be able to call and talk to me. Good grief it is uncanny. I also told my WH we couldn't be friends and I couldn't talk to him and he acted like he didn't understand why I couldn't talk to him. I am following your story and you are in my prayers.

U got hit real hard today but u know what? U R still standing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now I am gonna whack u for even telling him u don't want the D or anything M postive. U realize u r talking to a WS who can't remember if he put on his pants forward or backward, right?!?!?

STOP TALKING TO THE WS 'BOUT M STUFF!!!! NO NO NO!!!!

He says he wants a D, tell him "it's about time." He says he is truthful with the OW, tell him "it's about time." He says he is putting $$ in your bank account, tell him "it's about time."

That's it, no more.

Family stuff, house stuff, kid stuff or legal stuff is important. That is not t/b mixed into the D talk.

U R have set yourself up for a fall each time. Even gave him the ammo to knock you down. Arrrrgghhh...... stop it.

I tried to get you ready for this but it still hurts. I am truly sorry but you must get stronger. Your D is a drama queen and c/b a pregnant drama queen. Let the WS deal with her.

The OW can't match you in any way. Expect her to blame you for the A demise. If she does, take the bow, accept that blame!!!!! LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Do we have to practice how u r suppose to talk to the WS?

L.

orchid my friend,

Your right I got knocked down big time today. And again your right it hurt real bad. But I am still standing and not falling apart, which is a change for me.

I did say to him when he said he was going to file the papers that he had to do what he felt was right and maybe he should have done long time ago. He said maybe I should have. I told him I was tired of being lied to and him changing his mind every 10 mins. if this is what he wants to do it and stop playing me. He said I know this is not what you want and i am sorry. I said I will be fine and make my own life. He wants to be friends and I told him that won't happen, I can't just be a friend to the man I have been married to for so many years. Yes we will be in each others lives because of kids and grandkids but that is it.

The demise of the A, would be a good thing but I am not getting my hopes up. I will still keep hope alive that it happens but I am expecting the worst and hopeing for the best. Thats the only way I can make it through this.

I did tell him I expect my money to be in the bank tomorrow at the latest saturday. He said it will be BS don't worry. It boggles my mind how now he thinks I will call him to ask for help or anything. He thinks I can just be friends and act like nothing has happened.

He did tell me that he was getting a life insurance policy and making me the bene. with the kids. He said that he at least owes me that much. How generous of him. I am sure OW will love that one. Oh let me think she probably won't know because he is so honest with her. I know she has no idea what all has gone on, he has told her nothing I would bet my life on it. He told me that to keep me quiet I have no doubt.

I am just going to stay away from him and do what I need to and keep praying that things work out.

I guess I need to practice because my mind goes blank when he starts and I just forget to babble back. I get so emotional and thats it.

From your post, I can tell exactly where u r. Not a good place but at a turning point.

Your sub-conscience may have been afraid to let go, to babble back, to stand up for yourself..... you know you should but it is hard. I understand. Been there myself.

Just want you to know that mine said the same thing. Thought he loved the OW and was gonna make it work with her. What hit me at that time, was 'well WS, if the OW is good for you, then I know I'm not. The OW path and mine are light years apart so if you travel with her, then you are out of our lives expect for the money part.' At that point the WS babbled something about needing to be a father to his son. I was stunted but babbled back. 'Why? You haven't been there so far....has this A made you a better dad?' Then I said.....don't try to babble again......we know the A didn't make you a better anything. You can't even lie well..... yet. So go be with the OW, right now she is better 4 u than U..... we don't like who you have become.'

Those were strong words but they flowed out and I felt much better. Hurt in the heart for H but knew I had to kick WS butt to protect myself and son.

It worked. The look of shock when he realized his babble made me stronger....... just dazed him. He lost his focus and stuttered a bit. My reverse babble seemed to take the wind out of his A mouth. LOL!!! It certainly empowered me.

Try it.

L.

I'm agreeing with Orchid and others...

You have been talking to a WS...that's a UNIQUE REPLICA OF A NORMAL HUMAN BEING...NOT A REAL PERSON...

How can we help you understand this? I know it's hard to comprehend this..but comprehending this will help you regardless of the outcome of your marriage..

I noticed even in your last post you were referring to him as THINKING...that is something that this CONFUSED whatever kind of person is not able to do..

He is now RULED BY FEELING...bouncing and flip-flopping through life..looking for his next fix...

How can we help you STAY COMPLETELY AWAY FROM HIM?

He's good at MANIPULATING YOU..another characteristic of WSes...

Your DD, unfortunately, is able to MANIPULATE you as well..

Even if she is not pregnant, she will try to get pregnant in order to get what she wants...

You are getting stronger, Hurting...Your personal growth, my personal growth, was the GODSEND in all of this...I don't like for ANYONE to try to PLAY me now...

I see you getting there..

We are here to support you...

But when we say DARK, we mean DARK...

Under no circumstances.. for no reason...
talk to him or see him...

Otherwise, the A is enabled...AND PROLONGED....

That's what the WS is wanting..anything that will enable him to continue getting his DRUG SUPPLY....

ANYTHING TO RELIEVE HIS SUFFERING...

Remember this is not based on LOGIC or PLANNING on his part...

DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU...YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL...YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS ABLE TO HANDLE ANY SITUATION INVOLVING YOURSELF OR YOUR CHILDREN..HE IS DYSFUNCTIONAL AND INCAPACITATED BY HIS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE ADDICTION...YOU CAN'T RELY ON HIM FOR ANYTHING..YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM..BECAUSE HE IS A DECEITFUL LIAR...YOU CANNOT EXPECT HIM TO BE REASONABLE...THIS IS THE WS....

Another important point: Right now, it is true that he is TRULY CONVINCED THAT HE IS "IN LOVE" WITH THE OTHER WOMAN...THIS IS NOT "LOVE" IN THE MB..COMMITTED DEFINITION OF "LOVE"..THIS IS LUST, CRAVING, DESIRE, ECSTACY..WHICH IS NOT LONG-LASTING...FREELOADER STUFF...

When and if he goes through withdrawal, he will then be able to use logic and understand this...NOT NOW...

I'm speaking as an amateur, I know. But I have lived this and have had to STUDY this in order to LITERALLY SURVIVE...

I know that this is so hard for you that you can hardly stand this..wondering how in the world you will be able to go on..

I would fully understand you giving up..Lots of the time, I don't know why I didn't give up...

It's the choice that I made and I AM A BETTER PERSON FOR HAVING MADE THE CHOICE TO FIGHT FOR MYSELF AND WHAT I KNOW IS TRUE AND RIGHT....

Enough of my preaching...

Take Care, "MY SISTER IN THE STRUGGLE"....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I am not giving up. I still have faith things will work out. Even if he does file the papers and it happens I still believe in time he will come back.

I just have to stay away from him after yesterday I really see this now. he just tears my heart each time. Funny thing as I replay that conversation over in my head never once did he say he loved OW, he just said she had turned his life around. yeah she sure did that all right.

I am glad you all arn't giving up on me. I for some reason just want to think he is different than the rest but I see he is not. I finally have gotten that, sorry it took me so long to see it.......

Ok..I see now..this is what was going on...




BEEN THERE DONE THAT....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

To bad it took me so long to realize this.....

If I had gotten it a long time ago I probably would be in a different place by now. I don't mean him home I mean myself personally in my own growth and healing......

After a lot of thinking and crying today, I decided to take of my wedding rings. I feel they don't mean anything anymore.

I would love to put them back on but I can't. the only person they mean anything to is me and i feel like wearing them is just holding me back by seeing them on my finger.

So I have put them on a chain and wearing them around my neck for now. They are tucked close to my heart.

I pray someday I can put them back where they belong but until the day my H wants them there this is where they will stay.

I still stand for my marriage and my vows but the rings are just constant reminders that for now I don't have a marriage except for legally. I don't have a marriage in the true sense of the word. I will keep praying that one day I will have the marriage that I want with my H back home.

I have talked to DD today about her plans , her and her b/f have talked and said they want to raise the baby. From what they say they are going to get their own place. I hope for them they can do this. I will be here for her but they have to do this on their own.

She still has not called WH after I told her he wanted to talk to her. She is afraid to, I told her you can't avoid it forever. She did tell me that when she spoke to WH he did tell her he loved me but felt nothing when we saw each other friday. Also she did say that OW'S husband did show up thanksgiving but it was to drop off OW'S DD. Supposedly he had no problem with WH living there as he has his own g/f and does not care about what OW does.

Anyhow life goes on......

Sorry Hurting about your sitch right now. Things will get better just keep the faith. And about WH, of course he did not feel anything b/c he is still in the fog. I am praying for you. God Bless. LaShell

LaShell,

Thank you. I have been keeping up with your sitch as well, I hope things go well for you in reguards to SS.

I will keep you in my prayers as well.....

Hurting

Hurting - Your rings symbolize a covenant between you, your husband and the Lord. I still wear mine, and will until we are divorced.

Believer,

I know what your saying but it hurts so much to see them and know they mean nothing to him.

I had said before I would never take them off until I was divorced or dead which ever came first but right now just looking at them makes me fall apart. Maybe in a day or two I might feel different.

It just hurts so much right now......

You are thinking too much about your crazy WH. It is too early for him to take any action.

I hope you will reconsider and wear your rings - you still have a covenant.

Believer,

Your right, I still do have a covenant even if he dosn't.


This is all just so hard right now. He sounded so convincng on the phone about it all. But I just have to remember he is fogged out.

Thanks for the words of wisdom......

I found out some interesting news tonight. The apts OW and WH live in are low income. WH told DD she ought to try and get one because they go by income. Hmmmmmmm what to do ????? lol

I wonder if both OW and WH are on the low income housing lease. If not they will be in BIG trouble. In my area if you have someone living with you illegally while you are living in section 8 housing you are kicked out of the program FOREVER! And not just in my county but all the neighboring counties. Just something to think about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

its the same here to kloe. I am going to check into this for sure. She has been living there for several years and its a small town so could be she has the landlord as a friend but I am going to check it out. And with his income it could cause a real problem because they would not qualify for sure.....