I have gotten very damaging information on my wifes affair (P.I. pictures, video, hotel bills)it was worth the $900.00 but should i confront her with now or hold it back? i would like to save this marriage for the 17 years together and 12 year marriage, two small kids (boy 3 & girl 6) this is eating me up inside, i can sleep, eat, we have a counceling session today together (First one together) i have people that say to hold it back and drop hints make her feel GUILTY. make her spill and she wont be angry at me. they sday she will resent me and push me further away if she knows i am spying on her. i put a good head trip on her last night and it seems to start to work on her. i told how much i trusted her and apologized for thinking she could be cheating on me. (what a joke) she got teary eyed when i told her what a great mother and wife she had been and that our marriage vowels i knew meant something to her. what do you think out there??????

mr. ed -<BR>This is indeed a difficult position to be in. If I were you, it would be intensely difficult for me to NOT drop this bomb, but you would probably be better off following the advice you were given to drop hints.<P>Since you know already, there would be a lot less angst if she confesses to you. If you confront, it could lead to a lot of anger and rationalization on her part, plus massive resentment(not justified, by the way) on how you got the info.<P>Just my first thoughts....

Mr. Ed someone on this board said knowledge is power, use it wisely. Don't confront your wife but figure out ways to give her the opportunity to confess. Be prepared for a lot of crying on both your parts. Don't be judgemental, don't lovebust. Have a plan to help her and you through it. If she does feel guilty, she has to feel safe that she can tell you without you overreacting, which it sounds like you are prepared for. I wouldn't tell her about the PI until later on. If you have discussed the possibilty of her having an affair perhaps you should hint that if it were so, you would want to try to be understanding. I would lay off the guilt trips, I think it will only make it harder for her to confess.

Mr.Ed, I have to agree with awoken about the power of knowledge, you could gently hint that you are open to her telling you anything that she feels she needs to get off her chest without hurting her. Tell her you want, no need open communication and that no matter what has gone on in the past it is your ultimate desire to make this marriage work no matter what. That you could understand anything that might have happened makes you sound like the safty net she's probably looking for as far as telling you. She probably desires telling you as much as you want her to but feels unable to open up because it could jepordize what she's working on right now. Be there, be open and DON'T use this information as a guilt trip, that is lovebusting for sure! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I agree guilt trips will inhibit her from confessing and are just not nice. Manipulative and cruel come to mind...not that her affair is not manipulative and cruel, you just do not repay in kind.<P>Although I see the point of letting her confess by herself, I'm not sure I'd sit on this information.<P>In the bible it says if you've been wronged go to them. <P>Yes, make a safe environment so she can confess...you'll have to undo the damage from last night. If she doesn't then I think as long as you have too much info to deny, get it out.<P>Of course I'm saying this with no experience. But if I was the one betraying I think I may be relieved on some levels...and I think I would resent H knowing and not telling, like he was waiting and watching and setting a trap. Not that you are, that's just how I'd feel.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Mr Ed.<P>If you really want to save thi smarriage then hide the evidence for now BUT tell her up front you KNOW she is having an affair. Tell her in the same sentence that you LOVE her and want to rebuild your marriage. Make sure you have plenty of time with no kids around. Try to understand how your W must really feel. She may really LOVE you and feel guilty and she may not know how to end this affair. Explain to her what you want and that you will try to meet her needs.<P>If she flat out denies the affair then explain to her you KNOW IT and convince her without showing proof.

mr. ed - Let me tell you about my own experience, which is somewhat similar. Until a couple of weeks ago, I was doing what everyone posting on this thread seems to be suggesting. I was using a lot of indirect methods to try and get my W to confess her affair. Yes, I even did what you did and told her I trusted her and apologized for thinking she was cheating. Took this approach in couples counseling too. Well, this went on for over a year, and still no confession from her. So finally, I did confront her directly just a couple of weeks ago. The fact is, I did see her get out of the OM's car (with him there in the driver's seat) a couple of months ago, so I had real evidence to present her. She still denies she's having an affair, but every time the subject comes up, I stick by my guns and tell her that I know what I saw. I've also reassured her that I still love her and have told her how twisted up inside this was making me. Since all this, she's really changed her behavior towards me and gotten a lot nicer, which I take as confirmation that she IS having an affair.<P>What you might try is this. I agree with awoken that you shouldn't tell her about the PI, which does make presenting your evidence a little dicey. What I'd do is take some of that evidence and turn it into a story. If you have pix of your W and the OM together, you could say that you just happened to be in the area where they were, that you saw her with a strange man (doing whatever they were doing together) and that you've been very, very disturbed by this, but have been reluctant to say anything.<P>I think the whole trick of confronting a wayward spouse is to convince them that you DO KNOW they're having an affair. That is, you're not just guessing (which means that they can deny it successfully). If they know that you know, because you can name names and give dates and places, then it becomes much harder for them to deny the affair.<P>BTW, I'd be very interested to learn exactly what evidence your PI turned up, as I'm going to hire one too when I have enough money saved up. And how long did it take your PI to get the evidence? Is the OM someone you know?<P>Regards, blessings and best of luck,<P>--Wex <P>

I agree with toronto. Telling your wife that you want to save your marriage and meet her needs is really the point, isn't it? In order to start the process of rebuilding your marriage, it is time to bring this problem out into the light of day. How you know isn't the issue (and doesn't need to be addressed right now), the fact that you KNOW is. It is possible, but I doubt your W is ready to be honest with you yet. You could be waiting quite awhile for her to confess, meanwhile she may be less and less interested in working on your marriage. <P>You are fortunate that you have evidence, although you may not feel that way! In my own situation, I only had suspicions and lies that I couldn't uncover the truth about. He said he was at work but really wasn't, that kind of thing. I made sure I was very clear about expressing what I felt, thought, believed and KNEW. This way I avoided making unfair accusations. I basically confronted my H the way toronto described, but substituted the word BELIEVE for the word KNOW. I went on to say I KNEW he wasn't honest with me about his relationships with other women. This was enough to get us on the road to recovery, along with avoiding lovebusting along the way!<P>I second what FHL said about guilt and manipulation.<P>Good luck! Lizbeth<P>p.s. a great piece of advice I got on this forum (from airheart, I believe) was to tell my H I'm ready to forgive him. I would only do this if you truly are ready. In the beginning, I told my H that I believed I was ready to forgive him, and he seemed suprised and relieved. It really helped us.

mr. ed, <P>Only you know the right time. I found out my wife was having an affair and held back on the confrontation for four months. I kept waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a confession and never received one. I did wait to confront until I felt we were friends again. I think had I confronted when I found out, she probably would have left. I did a pretty strong plan A which created a lot of confusion in her mind. I finally confronted when I couldn't take this anymore. <P>You have to be ready to let her go because that is a real possibnility with confrontation. The book "The Monogamy Myth" has an excellent method for confronting which is what I used.<P>My heart goes out to you because I KNOW the pain youare experiencing. The devastation is indescribable. Take care of yourself and your kids while mom is messed up. Please know that you and your wife can recover from this and have a happy marriage. I know it seems so distant right now, but time is your best friend. <P>Stay strong.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P>

I'm going to go against the grain here. I believe that you should tell your wife you need to have a talk, and then lay everything out on the table. Be honest! - Don't play mind games, don't try to make her feel guilty, just be completely and totally honest and truthful. Two wrongs really don't make a right - it'll only give your W ammunition to use against you when the truth comes out - and the truth ALWAYS manages to come out one way or another... It is best you be honest and have a completely honest talk with your W.<P>If you want to save your marriage, tell her this beforehand, and tell her how much you love her. You cannot have a marriage without honesty! Tell her about your suspicions, and how you felt forced - because obviously somehow you knew she was being untruthful with you - to consult a PI. Show her the evidence that the PI obtained.<P>Ask your wife to be as honest with you as you are honest with her. Calmly ask her direct questions to the answers you need to hear, whatever those may be. Try - and I know it will be hard - to stay as calm as possible, to not interrupt, to avoid playing mind-games.<P>I understand how you must feel. When I found out about my H's affair the first thing I did was privately lose my sanity. After I managed to crudely stitch back together the pieces, I sat down and had a long, honest, rational, calm talk with my H. I believe that first talk, in which we were so utterly frank with each other for the first time in a long time, was what ultimately saved us. Without that base of complete honesty to go on I think we would have slipped away from each other... It is what worked for me and I believe it may work for you.<P>Elixir

Well, I did the confrontation, before i read al of your good advise. She new it was over a years ago into a two year affair. The OM hads left her now and gone back with his wife, she is by herself on the the wing-walking act with not much to grab. I'm not sure if i want her back after all the lie and dishonesty, i'm moving out until she find a new place then I'm coming back home to our house. My kids are the focus now and I try to put up a happy front to them. (3 & 6 years old) Tonight we told the daddy is movinf out for a while so he and mom can work on being friends again. I hope that is the case. Thank you for all the posts and after a few days of my 180 degree change, maybe i could look at having her back but right now i must look into my own sole for help and structure. I am no long er going to chase a past wife that does not want to work on rebuilding.

Mr Ed, before you gallop off into righteous indignation, Stop and think about what you are doing. Because you hurt, you are abandoning your kids. Shouldn't you be the bigger man and stay and endure while you and your wife try to work it out? This is all so new and it will tear at your kids. What about their emotional health? These thing can be best worked on with you in the home. If it was so unbearable, why did you wait so long. You are looking for some kind of gratification that does not exist. Don't run from your problems, face them. You may not consider her your wife but those kids are your children and they need their father. Right now your wife has a lot of stuff she needs to deal with and would be lacking in her parenting duties. Do you want your kids alone to watch their mother go thru this?<P>Stay in your home, with your family. <BR>It will pay big rewards in the long run.