You said she stopped. You edited a post... some info feels like it's missing. This went from her saying that she was just going to continue friendly conversation with him but no sex talk, to her not talking to him at all? How?

What has been said between you two about this so far the last day or two? I'm confused, is she admitting it was getting out of hand, inappropriate and damaging to your marriage, or not???

NTL

It's okay for you to talk to women, and her to talk to men...but do you talk to other women like your wife talked to this man? Even just one time - like your wife says it was - one time?

It was innappropriate, and the friendship is innappropriate even if it happened once.

This doesn't mean she can't talk to men while playing poker, this means though that this one man she can't talk to.

Long before my A, way back when H and I were dating, I chatted with a man online. He was flirtation and used to make jokes like when's your husband leaving, etc - it was all very innocent to me, and I joked back - thinking it was no harm.

H read the history one day and was so hurt by it. I immediately deleted this person and never looked back. Why? it was extremely innappropriate and I realized it once H was hurt.

H and I got married and here we are 7 years after that dealing with an A i had 10 months ago - not with this online, guy - but through another online relationship. Since that - i do not talk to men online at all except long term friends that H knows well.

My point (I do have one) is your wife may already have an attachment to this man, as after realizing it was inappropriate and knowing it hurt you - she still wants to talk to him. This is not the actions of someone who puts her husband first. So she doesn't have to stop talking to all men online, but this one needs to stop.

you need to tell her how you feel completely if you haven't and let her know you are not comfortable with her talking to "bobby" anymore...that it's not that she can't talk online, but the line was crossed and you are no longer comfortable with that friendship. If she still refuses, then keep the keylogger, and watch...as to me it sounds like she is feeling something already. And I only say this out of my own history and behaviors.

Start on Plan A - make yourself a better husband, and be that better husband to her.

Part of the problem understanding this situation is that he has two posts going on about this at the same time. Check out emotional needs.

ahhhh - thanks flynn - will go read!

Okay - so I do see in your EN post that she has blocked him and agreed not to talk to him. When she goes to the poker room - does she still play in a room he is in?

Have you figured out why she needs or enjoys playing so much - she puts alot of time into it...it could be an addiction.

Didn't you ask that I go to that section of the forum? So I did.

Could all this be it an addiction?

In my opinion this guy has a pull on her like an affair. She disagrees. Because she searches for him this is bad. It is good that she took him off her IM - But she stills goes there.

If he cannot be found and there are no recognizable faces in there she will go play on ESPN's no-chat poker fun site. ALL NIGHT!

So yes, there are a couple of addictions going on here.

She is missing him...and should stay away from that poker site - if your observations are right - she will get through that in time (missing him) as long as she doesn't talk to him - keep that keylogger....

I am not quite sure what you should do about stopping her though - myabe someone else might have a suggestion

No, she deleted him from MSN IM account but continues to play on that site where she met him. All the sex chat was on MSN while they played poker with their 'friends' - They chat on poker table but do not talk sex cause other players know they are both married. (that must feel strange) Yes she admitted she crossed the line and justified all of it as predicted….”he made me feel pretty, sexy, said all the right things etc..”

She claims she was not looking for any type of relationship like this and that she just fell into a hole. It is very clear to me that I am not filling the void of emotional support that he is. Same could be said on his side as well. My wife is filling a missing void that his wife fails to see.

This is all new to me and my reactions have been very negative toward her. The more I read this MB site the more I understand what is taking place here. In my opinion reflecting back on all the personal instant messages they sent to one another my wife seems to like the attention she is getting from him and feels safe that this is an online relationship with a man 3000 miles.

She claims that this is not an affair. No sex, no romance. I don’t buy that, to me it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…..

Again, I’m not trying to defend her but she is correct in saying that there is no romance in those IM’s and there is no ‘sex’ – just flirting. Yes I know it can get a whole lot worse and I have even considered the fact that this may be a training ground for more surprises ahead.

I too think she should not go back to that site but I just can’t tell her she is not allowed to do it. I have no right to dictate who she can and cannot be friends with. I did let her know that I read all that crap and that she had better come to terms with it before it gets out of hand. Ordering her to stop going there is not the right answer. She will resent that due in part of all the real friends she has there. I also might add that many of the women she plays with have visited with us when they come to Vegas. [Yes we live in Las Vegas] Some of these friendships are real so to speak. Most of her IM chatting is with the women she met there.

Having said that Dorry, I just read your story. Now Im sitting here thinking that I am in hole here that may take some time getting out of. My fear now is that this will become a pattern in the future.

“Start on Plan A - make yourself a better husband, and be that better husband to her.”

Im trying, its not easy. But I am trying.

I work in the computer industry and computer addiction is a major problem in today’s society. I would be more worried about the environment she is in and the people she is meeting there rather than this one specific guy. I think you caught this in early days.

Other than fulfilling a social need is there anything positive about hanging all day in an interactive web-site? No matter whether they are poker, game-playing or what. It’s addictive, gives a false impression on reality, time consuming and leaves very few positives. It’s like using junk-food to fulfill a need for food.

Plus with the poker there is always the risk of money getting involved.

How often does it happen that she goes to bed later than you? Is there a fair balance of work in the home and dos she do her share? Are the two of you spending time together? Can she go a day without going on-line?

If you don’t have her face and tackle this issue it will only get worse. The next guy she might start chatting to might not be so benign. He might be more manipulative. He might live closer.

You know, at school how they have "no tv" week for the kids? My kids did not want to do it at all, but of course at the end of the week they realized that tv kept them out of lots of other things in life; friends, phonecalls, reading, games, hobbies, etc...

What if you gave her a proposal... Just give up the poker for 30 days. See how your life changes for the better or worse. Then you can decide if it is adding to or subtracting to your life and adjust accordingly.

I've seen the great Dr. Phil give similar advice for various addictions (ebay, spending, etc)

Worth a try? Would she/could she even do it?

NTL

Well, I'm here from experience and yes, I'm male, but let me say this. We are going through counseling and are putting the wreckage of our marriage back together from my Wife's online affair. (online only, we live in the north and the OM lived in Florid... almost as far as west and east coast...)

So, here it goes. How did my W's A start? Well, 3 or 4 years ago, we both started playing Everquest online. (the big addicting online environment that is a role playing game...) We met new people and had fun having some innocent fun. Just flirting and enjoying other people while killing creatures. It was a great time for both of us, we each grouped with different people and had fun. Well, My wife started emailing with "guild" or group members off of the game after a year and a half of this. Normally real life contact via email and so on, are kinda taboo with online games like this. Yet, the guild supported it and she made contact with some good people.. One of them was a guy that I had even grouped with. She enjoyed grouping up and killing stuff online with him all the time. They would "innocently" flirt and make jukes with slight sexual overtones and so on. It was fairly innocent in my view. I didn't neccessarily like all the sexual overtones, but the females as well as the males of the group made the inuendos. So, it wasn't just one guy or anything like that.

For some reason she enjoyed grouping up and playing with this one guy. Emailing him and so on. Well.. A year ago almost to the day today, I found instant message chats, and emails of highly sexual explicit content. If it wasn't an affair before it was now... So, what did I do? I confronted her, she promised not to do it again and dummy me, left it at that.. (BTW she didn't feel she had done anything wrong at the time, she thought it was innocent and since it was online, there's nothing wrong with it...) Well, just the past 2 months now, I found out again that she started the relationship up full fledged, with the same guy online. I confronted her again and asked at the time for a separation b/c I couldn't handle the pain. And I hated what she had done so much that I couldn't look at her. Well, she finally admitted that what she was doing was wrong and was sincerely remorseful. She has not talked to him since, she threw out the webcam herself, she installed a keylogger on her computer herself. And has finally agreed to marriage and individual counseling.

After a couple months now, we are building a relationship that we've never had in the last 5 years we've been married.

So, how did it all start? -- for a year and half we played Everquest online innocently, and she let it go to far. it was simple, innocent, and even fun for both of us. Yet, something so simple as an online role playing game, nearly destroyed our marriage. In a way it did destroy our marriage, b/c we're having to start over with our relationship, trust, and emotional needs for each other. Instead of the $30.00 a month for an online game, we're having to spend $33.00 a week to rebuild our relationship.

I'm sorry Scarne. But, you're W's actions sound almost identical to my wife's and I handled it the same way you are.. For a long time (a year and half) I let this relationship form with the OM, b/c I thought it was just an online game and she just happened to find a friend that she enjoyed playing the game with. At first that's probably all it was for that year and a half. But it budded and grew into something so wrong.

Scarne, take it from one that has just gone through the pain, disgust, and agony of what almost became a Divorce. If you love yourself, and if you love your wife. You must fight this Affair (If she's hiding it and not willing to give it up, whether or not their's sex involved, it's an affair. )

I ask you this. What if you stayed at your job more and more. working 60 or 70 hour weeks, when you could be at home with your family? In many ways this could also be considered an affair because it takes your love and dedication away from your Spouse and refocuses it on something or someone else. NO she may not be having online sexual relations now. But how long until he starts pressuring her. Because after all, like you said yourself, Guys WILL BE GUYS! He will start seeking the thrill of the relationship as much as her. In my case the OM constantly pressured my W for Sexual displays. At first she resisted, but almost as if he was holding a gun to her head she started obeying him. and he's 2000 miles away!!!

Please heed this long post. Consider the seriousness of what is happening. Do something, see a counselor by yourself to sort things out. Develop a plan to combat her arguements. Do something!

Around 1998 I fell deep into the online gaming world. Started building computers. Spent whole weekends switching out drivers, overclocking, tweaking and gaming. Made lots of friends online. Got to the point we'd meet in quake 3 just to chat and kill each other for hours and hours on end. This took a lot away from my wife. A whole lot.

Heh. My wife loves halflife, so sometimes we "romantically" play against each other with the "OZ" mod. we kill AI bots, and each other.. She takes joy in killing me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's funny... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes I think it even turns her on... Who knew!!!