Hi everyone, I have been looking at the website all day and night....everyone seems so supportive here, so i finally just got the guts to jump on in. I am a little new with the abbreviations, but I am trying.

My story is this: My husband left me a week and a half ago, after a huge argument and then served me with papers two days later- not even for a seperation, he is set on a divorce. He says he still loves me, but he can’t do this anymore. We have only been married a few years, and have no children. Over a year ago, though we seemed so happy and in love, he had a one-night stand (but then continued talking to OW for about a week, then NO CONTACT as he changed ph. #'s and she lived in another state) He admitted the cheating, and although I almost left him, we started counseling and re-committed to each other and tried to rebuild the foundation of our relationship (we even read the marriage builders book aboout coping with an affair) Things were rough, as it was a lot harder to forgive and trust him again than I had anticipated, especially when he lied about something else to me while I was trying to trust him again....as the months went on, I punished him more and more for what he had done. Ultimately, I pushed him away completely. Now he says that I can never get over it, and that it has led to me lashing out at him to try and even the score. Now that he is gone, of course I realize that he did try very hard to make up for what he did. And I was using the infidelity as an excuse to scream at him, or demand reassurance or attention....in a sick way, I think I may have been holding on to it because I thought once I forgave him or stopped punishing him, the devoted, attentive behavior would stop, or he might go out and do it again.....I guess it did finally take him leaving for me to see what I was doing, and that I am wiling to forgive. My only fear is that now it is too late. I love him with all of my heart. We have both made some huge mistakes in this marriage, but I just know that we are giving up too soon. I know that if we try again, we can make it. I am now seeing the counselor alone, as is he. I have recently started medication which the doctor encouraged after diagnosing me with depression as a result of the trauma of being betrayed... Though I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior, the material I have read on depression says that anger and anxiety and overreacting are all symptoms of the imbalance. I feel that with the help I am getting, and the realization that I was using what he had done to me as a “free pass” to be awful to him, I think it can be so different. I just can’t believe that we are going to give up so soon, and especially after what we have already been through. In his eyes, we tried but we couldn’t get past it. I am saddened that it took separating for me to finally find the courage to forgive him. All I want is for us to come together and concentrate on our future, rather than continuing to re-live the past. I can finally put it behind me, if he can do the same and forgive me for treating him this way for so long. Of course I am not excusing what he did, but I realize now, that perhaps if I didn’t get this wake-up call that I would have continued bringing it up forever. I understand what I did, but since I stayed in the marriage when I was so hurt and scared and devastated, don’t you think he should try and do the same now? How can I get him to see that we deserve one last chance? I of course am in denial, I am blindsided and I have no idea how I am going to get through this. Of course after the cheating, he swore and swore that he would NEVER do it again, and that above all else, he would never leave. Now what???? Our families are devestated, our friends are shocked....is there nothing I can do but sit here and wait for his next move? Every few days, I get another phone call or email from him, telling me his next move- i.e, he has gotten a P.O. Box, or has called a realtor to sell the house we just bought 6 months ago. I of course feel like I am free-falling and this is all going at lightning-speed. He says he will not give us another chance, and he won't even talk about "us", just "buisness matters". He swears there is no one else, and I am pretty sure that there isn't, but I have no idea what to think anymore. So needless to say, I do NOT want this but it is happening. Is there anything I can do? Is there any chance for us?? Any help would be appreciated- oh, and one last thing, there is a slight chance I might be pregnant- he does not know this, and I took a test today which was negative, but I am pretty late- maybe just the stress, and not eating/sleeping? Thanks for letting me vent!

Hi Laura - You may want to switch over to GQ, which seems to get more readers. It sounds like you need to embark on Plan A - so be sure to read all about it. Go to the "Just Found Out" threads and read the posts for newbies. Good luck. Stung

Hi Laura

I am truly sorry to hear of such devastating news regarding your marriage. My situation is just a little different because of the direction it took on getting through this. I've been M 8yrs and my H had an ongoing A with a co-worker which has left me emotionally scarred; and just like you I lashed out at him ...not once, but several times and eventually he threatened to leave me just as your H did. At first it really bothered me, because although I was hurting I still had agreed to stay and try to work the M out. Well that wasnt as easy as I thought it would be >>> I was hurt, and I was angry and i allowed my emotions to get the best of me... pretty much similar to what you did. It's called venting.

Eventually I put aside the anger and started to deal with the hurt while at the same time trying to tend to his needs
(HIS NEEDS.HER NEEDS; GOOD BOOK)so that he wouldn't go back out there and cheat again, which I also found was a bad idea. I tried sitting down and talking about it without lashing out but when he didnt want to it just made me angry and guess what? I lashed out. He wanted me to just get over it (as usual) and I couldn't >>'how do you expect me to get over all that you have put me through'.

To make a long story a little shorter I finally came to the conclusion that I had to deal with me for now. That means forgetting about him and concentrating on me because I was losing myself. I got so close to getting on med's but sweetie... it is not the answer; but just a temporary solution to a problem that we don't want to face.

My H cheated,lied,was dishonest and deceitful and so was yours >>> it's just part of the game. And not many H's are willing to talk about it because they are embarrassed that they were caught doing the unthinkable. My H just expected me to face the facts, except his apology and move on but fail to realize it was not that easy and if the shoe was on the other foot I think he'd do the same and that is why we have just as many men on this website as women because A's, whomever they are done to...hurt.

But like I was saying earlier. I took some me time and actually faced the pain. I got alone where no one else could hear me and I cried, kick, screamed and called him whatever name I wanted to for hurting me. I treated this as an addiction because just like drugs you gotta get it out of your system to eventually be over it. Lashing out becomes a habit that needs to be broken before you can even start the healing process. And it's not a overnight remedy.

And once I did this, as some may say 'faced the music' I felt so much better. Although, it was still amazing to me how someone could go out and betray me, then leave me because I reacted to pain of there betrayal. I expressed this to him as well as my previous agreement to stand by his side but I let him know he was going to have to stand by myside as well which means I get to talk about this to him when it hurts, he needs to let me know where he is at all times and he makes nor accept any contact of the OW.

To sum it all up; what I'm trying to say is that he has no right to go and cheat then tell me how I should act or how I should deal with it. It took me sometime to realize just how silly that sounded. So if he decides to leave you >>> honey although it hurts, he might just be doing you a favor. But you, you have the right to hurt. Your an emotional wreck right now, he cant possibly think that you can sit back and be rational about this or should I say SUPER HUMAN. I don't know anyone who hasn't reacted in the same manner or worse so stop beating yourself up STOP! Accept that it hurts and it hurts bad, deal with it and start the healing process and if he doesn't want to be apart of your life and help you deal with what he has put you through then he doesn't deserve you anyway and God will deal with him on that, but dont try to keep somebody who doesn't want to be kept. So!... Once I started to look at the situation I came to point that If I wasn't allowed to deal with it (talk about it) then he wasn't allowed to be a part of my life and the tables reversed and I gave him the ok to get the divorce w/ promises that I would sign and move on the heck with my life because I am not the one who cheated and I refuse to allow him to cause me suffer any longer. And it was at this point that I stopped showing interest to my H and started concentrating on me that I found out how much he did want this M and truly how sorry he was.

Due to all of this I am no longer threatened or afraid of him divorcing me.

It's taught me a new moto: When you can't save your marriage, save yourself.

You will be alright with whatever he decides to do but dont let it overtake you. If it's meant to be, it will be. I've seen many people get back together after they made the mistake and signed those papers. It's just a part of life that hopefully we will learn from.

Wow, thanks for so much insight!! It really does help to hear from someone who has been there....

I agree with you about the meds, I know it is only temporary, but honestly, I am almost at the breakdown point so much of the time, that I don't think I could even function or go to work without them right now.

I do agree that the lashing out and hurting him became a habit- and a "quick fix" because although it would temporarily ease my pain, I would then feel so guilty shortly afterwards....and of course I would beat myself up for not being "stronger" and be mad at him for not meeting my needs in other ways and lead me to fight with him just so we could make up...

Like you said, as most who are trying to kick a habit, I felt lik eour last blow-up fight was "rock bottom" and I am not quite sure that I would have ever gotten the hurt out of my system had we not gotten to that place.

I know it hasn't been long, but I have truly seen a lot, now that he is gone, that before I was blind to.

My question is this....a lot of people are telling me to try Plan A with him....but I am think Plan B might work better right now. I think like you said that I need to just take care of me, and let him do whatever he is going to do....the only contact we have is by phone and email, and it isn't very effective....everytime he starts to miss me, he calls and says something to hurt me- i.e. he makes another "step forward" toward the divorce, and then I of course show some emotion or say that this is all happening so fast, and then he gets mad....I am thinking that maybe no contact might be more effective in this scenario, and my therapist has advised this as well.

Although I am pretty sure there is no new A going on, I can't truly be sure, and others on this sight are quite suspicious, only because he is moving forward so fast with all of this....my therapist thinks it is more like he knows that this is irrational, and that we shouldn't be giving up so quickly, and if he does it without looking back, or listening to reason, it might be easier...I don't know, either way I think no contact for now might give me a little strength and possibly get him out of the "fog" so to speak....

He is seeing the counselor tomorrow, I am hoping he will gain some perspective on all of this.

Thank goodness, you sound much better now. About your question to plan A or B first? this was taken from that script: before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." so you may want to touch some parts of plan A before you go on to b. Perhaps maybe on his next call or email, be less argumentive and just go along with whatever he says even if it hurts. Atleast if all else fails you'll have your dignity.

I also see you mentioned the possible suspicion of another woman. Sounds like maybe so. This could explain the urgency to move forward, and it's possibly the one he had the previous A with. If so, just hold on for the ride sweetie, especially if your awaiting his return. Dr Harley says these A's that turn into relationships generally dont last long after the exposure. The WS is usually just infatuated with the fact of secrecy and having his/her cake and eating it to. I know once my H and I were able to began to talk about it he said honestly he didn't think he would ever get caught and he grew comfortable with having his cake and eating it to but he never had any intentions on leaving home to be with her permanently. I truly believe that most people think that way....they'll never get caught. Even I think that I'm slick enough to not get caught but let's be realistic....its just not realistic!

With all that said I truly hope you find some peace with this situation. I hope that you can find a much better way to deal with Mr...don't get so involved in what his next move it. Develope your own move not based on his >>> gain some strength so that when he does return you will be able to have him agree to the rules of plan A.

Laura,

Ok, you have succeeded in confusing me. First, you post that you NOW realize that your H has been working his fanny off to make up for his A. You say you realize AFTER he left that you want him in your life and that you have been pushing him away for a year and pushing pretty hard.

Now you say you think going to plan B (which is really not a correct use as he is NOT in an A as far as you know) is what you want to do. How is that going to work? He has had a year of your abuse because of the pain he caused. He is fed up with it, left and filed for divorce. So how is being away from him going to show him that anything is changed.

Right, now he feels the marriage is over so all you have to do is sit tight do nothing and it will end. If that is what you want, do not bother with ANY plans. If you do want the marriage, then you need to engage him in contact and SHOW him that his efforts would and have been appreciated. You see right now he feels as if a years of efforts have failed and there is no use in going on.

It is up to you to decide if his year of effort were a failure or not. So far your message is that they were. If so, let the divorce go through, if not then you need to be showing him that his life will not continue to be a full of your pushing him away.

It is your call, but don't start back with the "Yeah he cheated,let him make the moves thinking." He did make the moves and you rejected them. It is YOUR move now.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,
You're right, I am confusing- because I am so confused!!! I do realize what I have done this past year to sabotage the relationship and push him away- of course I don't want to drive him away further....the only reason I thought Plan B might be worth a try is because Plan A is just not working- it seems to make him more upset than anything!

You're right again, I do not know that he is in an A right now. He swears he isn't, and I believe him, only because if he were and he told me, then I truly would leave him alone and just try to move on...that would be much easier for him, I think than me telling him I love him and that we can still have a chance, etc....But so many people are suspicious, including many people here on MB, and I think that I am maybe just naive, and not wanting it to be true??? I have no evidence of an A, the only thing is the speed which he is moving forward with this divorce makes me think that there is someone else waiitng for him???

I don't know what to do! I am so scared to do the wrong thing and make this worse that I almost want to do nothing! But then of course I can't just sit back and watch my marriage crumble!

I have tried to be as "plan A" as possible. I have sent him a Plan A letter- he doesn't seem to buy any of it....do you think it is just because he is so hurt and discouraged? I of course will keep trying if that is what I should do, but I just don't want to make him run further away from me and our life together....

This is just awful; it feels like a horrible dream...I just can't believe we are going through this.

Of course his efforts weren't a failure. But of course he feels like they were, because it was never enough for me...I of course was just scared that as soon as I "gave in" that all the attention and affection would stop and that he would think he was "off the hook" and might cheat again....

I have realized my mistake in doing this, and I have told him so, on the phone and in the letter- but I don't know how I am supposed to SHOW him things are different when he won't even see me....

I am not thinking of the Plan B to get him to make a move, I just thought that there was no way he could miss me if we were still communicating regularly- in addition, the conversations have pleasant moments, but I sometimes get emotional, and then he gets angry, and then he says that makes him not want to talk, because he doesn't want to talk about "us"....

I am obviously at a loss.....I want to do whatever will bring my husband home. I love him with all of my heart and I am so ready for true recovery....he doesn't believe me though, and even said at this point I would say anything to get him back, and if he comes then things would just go right back to how they were.

Help please!!!!!!

Laura,

Ok, step one is straight forward, simple, but NOT easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

YOU have to decide if you want to be married to this man. If you are uncertain, and he is ready to leave the odds of this working shall we say...small. So step one is for you to figure out what YOU want.

THEN, if it is the marriage, you need to realize a few things. Permit me to quote you and then respond. You said
Yes, they are and with good reason. But, only YOU know what you have put him through and if it was severe as you suggest, he might well be leaving because he has given up hope.

You then say
Well, doing NOTHING is a sure fire way to get NOTHING. You have nothing to fear Laura, the marriage is already over on many levels. All that remains to be determined is whether it can be rebuilt. It can IF you two decide to. But, you have nothing to lose by being...his friend, being honest with him, by changing your approach, by being pleasant to be around. Even if you divorce this is a good strategy.


First of all plan A is about breaking up an Affair, which if he is not having one is telling him you don't believe him and that you feel he is having an affair. Let me ask you if the roles were reversed how would you feel about that? There is a saying that the football commentator, John Madden, uses.

You should never roll out the hose until you know where the fire is.

You are a little short on knowledge at this point.

Ok you say
The short statement is that his efforts were a failure, because you have never let up on him, and you worried about letting him off the hook without realizing you were cutting the line. He may still be on the hook, but you snapped the line so he is swimming off right now. Oddly, in this stuff it is usually NOT what you fear that is the problem. I think you are finding this out. Further, don't presume that it is just about this year. If he had an affair, the marriage was NOT in great shape before then. I am NOT excusing his affair, I am saying look back as well. He needs a reason to stay, right now he has a lot of reasons to leave.

You next comments lead me to some advice. You said
First you calm down. Next you start to be his friend again, not his W but his friend. You talk with him when you can about life, your job, his job, sports, going to a movie. He is in withdrawal from you and you need him to reengage even if he moves to conflict. So quit "trying" and start to be YOU. If you love the man enjoy his presence, smile, touch his arm, be kind, and above all act with "GRACE". That is my favorite word because it offers such a nice image, and suggests exactly how you should behave, with GRACE.


Don't talk about US. And by the way, have you noticed that being emotional bothers him?? Permit me to offer you at least three reasons: 1. Men hate for women to cry, they feel powerless and they don't want to see you in pain.
2. When you get emotional he KNOWS it is his fault and that is painful to face. 3. When you get emotional he is defenseless and if he feels anything for you, it pulls at him. His response? To pull away to protect himself. So if you don't want him pulling away, don't get emotional.

Talk to him, but don't talk about the relationship, he has heard enough of that to last him a lifetime right now. Work on what I mentioned before, being his friend, enjoying being with him and acting with GRACE.


Well, you KNOW what he fears he has told you. So don't go back to being what you were, be his friend, his lover if he will let you, but most of all act with GRACE. Finally, you don't want to do "whatever" it will take to get him home. YOu want him home because he loves you, feels safe with you, AND he and you KNOW what each of your boundaries are and respect them. You have boundaries and so does he, respect them or neither of you will respect yourselves.

I hope I have given you something to think about. If you have a clergyman/woman you can talk to discuss this concept of acting with GRACE. I think it might open your eyes. As you can tell I like the concept alot and have seen the power of it on this site many times. Must go, but please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for all of your insight, it makes so much sense....I just wish I had heard it a few months or even weeks ago, becaue I have no chance to be his friend, or do the things you suggested....I have not seen him in two weeks, and he has flat out told me that I am not to call him just to "talk"- even about work or life, like you suggested...he wants to talk "buisness" and the divorce, nothing else.

Even in regards to that, he tells me one thing (i.e. that he has not and will not contact a real estate agent to sell our home) and then he goes and does the exact opposite....how am I suppossed to NOT react over that? Is it is o hurtful, and brings back so many awful memories of lies and decietful behavior.

Here is what has happenned since last time I posted:

My husband went to the MC on Monday....told her things that she then told me, with his permission, that have truly made me hit rock bottom.

He swears there is no A, though of course I do not totally believe it.

He told her he had already made two appointments to pick up the paperwork for the divorce before actually doing it....I was just sick when she told me this.

How could he do that and not tell me? How could he sit there in counseling and pretend that everything was ok? He swore to me that he was happy, that we were going to be ok, and that he understood about the depression, and the behavior, and that he didn't blame me for any of it.

She told me that there is NO HOPE for our marriage. She actually said those words. She said that he is "DONE" and that I should not expect anything to change and that I need to accept that the divorce is happening.

According to her, he actually sat there emotionless while talking about our marriage crumbling. She said he seemed like a different person, and that he might even be relieved that this is all over.

I feel sick inside, all of this is just killing me.

I cannot believe this is happening, I thought for sure that after talking to her for a little while that he would stop being this cold, heartless person that he has become over the last 2 weeks.

I have hit rock bottom, I am still in denial, I am crushed, I am heartbroken and I am so full of regret for everything that happened.

At the same time, I could not be more angry at him for never coming to me when he was so hurt, or mad, or frustrated that he had to call for an appointment to file for divorce.

Why couldn't he have told me then when we might have had a chance to work on the marriage?

Why would he wait until now?

I feel like he set me up.....

I am so devastated I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

This is so unfair. How could he have an A, and then give me hope and start MB with me, and then lie to me again many times, and tell me all of this time that everything is going to get better, that he will never be a WS again, that he will never leave, and then walk out the door and never look back?

I have never been more hurt in my life.....why didn't he just leave after the A if he was going to leave? Why did he come back home? This was so much worse, because during what I thought was our "recovery", he had one foot out the door the entire time. At least if he had left back then, I might have been able to pick up the pieces of my life and start again by now.....instead, for the second time in all two years that I have been married to this man, he has broken me inside.

Of course I know now how much of a part in the failure of our marriage.....but then I had no idea, because he NEVER let on...what am I suppossed to do now? I have bever felt so helpless or hopeless.

Laura,

I replied to you on your other thread. I am sure you won't care much for my comments but I do hope you will consider them. I am sorry to hear this turn of events, but you have decisions to make, please start thinking about them.

God Bless,

JL