Why is it that the FWS should be forgiven? They are the ones who put us through all of our he!! and now they think we should take them back. They go out and have "fun" and do the worst things that any loved one could have done to them and we are supposed to want them back. How screwed up is that?

My wife was "unhappy" so she had an A and suddenly she was feeling better. After a few months of hanky-panky and basically p!ssing all over our vows she suddenly realized what she was doing and wanted to come back to me. She tells me what she did and how sorry she is and wants me to forgive her. Now my life is upside down and turned to [censored] and I'm suppossed to take her back because she never stopped loving me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So off to MC and IC we go only to discover the many things that lead to this disaster. Basically, a lot of what I did and didn't do made her unhappy over time so that built up an extreme amount of resentment. Mix that with a bad childhood and bad parents and you have the ingredients for a possible affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So, as a BS who's already completely destroyed, I now am expected to change my life and become someone that I'm not so she can have a husband that she can be happy with.

What!!! Let me get this straight... you just screwed some other guy because you could never tell me that things were bad between us and now I'm supposed to change my ways to make you happy so you can feel better in our marriage? Talk about messed up. Where is the justice?

She told me a few days ago a laundry-list of resentments and how that was among the ingredients that lead to the A. I asked her if things were so bad then why didn't she just divorce me. After that list... I wanted to divorce me. So why are you still with me? She tells me because she loves me (yeah... you really know how to show it when you screw another guy). I ask her why she loves me and she says, "because you love me for who I am."

Love you for who you are? Of course I do... along with all of your faults. And guess what? They weren't enough for me to consider an A like you. Last I heard the guy you were banging loved you too and you called him your soulmate. So what's so important about my love. Based on that comment your soulmate should be with you and not me.

Now I have to question whether I should be with her. Not only because she blows (BTW... you missed a little on your chin) and bangs another guy, but because of all the resentment she has for me. I'm facing some pretty big facts here and they all tell me that it sounds like she is settling for me. Why did you marry me if I was this bad? Why did you stay with me this long if my faults were so bad? Did someone hand you the last option of husbands you had and you thought, "Well, it's not a good husband so I'll have to make do with what I've got and get what I need from someone else"?

Why should I be with someone that has enough resentment for me that she would bang another guy and blow him (um, could you use a little more mouthwash)? A man should want to be with someone that loves them for who they are along with their faults. Don't do me any favors by marrying me out of pitty and then go screw another guy.

So now I'm supposed to change things about me along with dealing with all of this [censored] that has happened to me. If you change a couple of things about me it may not make a big difference. But if you change a whole boat-load of things you basically are ripping out my soul and inserting someone else's into my body.

Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't you go get your "soulmate" and just marry him? Don't do me any favors by staying with me so I can wonder what else will p!ss you off and then watch you go bang another guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Because forgiveness has never been and will never be for the benefit of the unfaithful spouse. Forgiveness is, and will always be for the betrayed spouse.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two TOTALLY different things. I chose to forgive my ex-W even though I divorced her and eventually married another woman.

I was 44 when I married my present W [second W] and from my experience I can tell you that there are more than enough beautfil, worthy women out there who would make faithful and wonderful wives to any good man.

Your FWW has to demonstrate you that she is willing to be an open book to you and have no more contact with the OM FOREVER if there is any chance for your marriage to be save/rebuilt.

TMMC

"So off to MC and IC we go only to discover the many things that lead to this disaster. Basically, a lot of what I did and didn't do made her unhappy over time so that built up an extreme amount of resentment. Mix that with a bad childhood and bad parents and you have the ingredients for a possible affair. "

Sounds like my wife, but if it is to work out you have to get rid of the anger. I dont think ill ever get back with my wife but god I want to.

But understand this, people are human they make mistakes. Affair is a freaking HUGE mistake but a mistake still. I know I was close to a one night stand one time I just chose not to do it, my wife chose to. I do know how you feel tho. I to have that anger that rage, but I also know alot of what caused the affair I had alot to do with it.

If she has to take resopsiblity for her actions so do you. Just like I have had to. If I were a better husband none of this would of happend. There are more then one way to be selfish, and affair is just one of those.

Not that she was justified for it, never. She was wrong wrong wrong. ****** she says she is sorry some women never say that. And there is no justice, if there was I would have that other mans head on a stick.

WHEW! Feel better now? Now that was some vent!


Is there any way you can word that into something a little more constructive (read: less venomous) and present it to your W in your next MC session?

MC is for you too yanno.

Hopeful, your spouse is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage and 100% responsible for the affair. No one made the choice to screw another man but her. It sounds to me like you are being blamed for 100% of the state of the marriage and 100% for the affair. Do I have that right?

No wonder you are angry. If I do have it right, can I suggest that you find a qualified counselor because that is a bunch of crap that is only feeding your W's entitlement mentality. It is also preventing your W from feeling any remorse. Have you considered counseling with the Harleys?

Secondly, you should only forgive your W if she changes and and is remoresful and takes responsibility for her sleazy behavior. Even so, that does not mean you have to stay married to her. If you don't feel she is truly taking responsibility for her actions, and you are to blame for all of this, then you are just setting yourself for future affairs. It seems she is saying that unless you perform to a perfect standard in the future, she can't promise fidelity. That is hardly a remorseful approach for what she has done, much less a committment to the marriage. That is emotional blackmail.

You are right to question whether you will settle for her or not, but before you make that decision, please give the Harley's a call. They specialize in adultery and won't let a WS in the throes of an entitlement mentality play games.

p.s. What is your WIFE doing to repair the damage she caused by her affair? I missed that part.

I'd say you are on equal footing in your contempt for each other.

You will have a hard time healing as long as you nurse those vivid emotional pictures that make one vomit to read.

There's no healing in sight for you until you get some serious IC and MC.

Wow hopeful - that is a lot of anger. Anger you are entitled to feel, but hopefully is presented a little better to your wife. I can't speak for everyone, but that is how I, as a BS, have felt many, many times. I too sometimes wonder, why the f*** do I have to forgive someone who did something so malicious and cruel to me simply because he was unhappy? Seems unfair - and it is. Life is like that.

A starting point for me to try and fix this mess he created was my two kids. Do they deserve to have a broken home because my H decided to bang the office ho? No, they did nothing wrong either. I choose everyday to forgive this man, but it is easier since we have children. Why should they suffer?

Do you love your wife? I think that you do because I have seen posts that indicate you still love her very much. That is your starting point. You don't have to change yourself to be a good husband, you have to change how you handle marital issues. That is what causes marital problems. Once upon a time your wife chose to marry you because of the person you are, which means she loves the person. The breakdown is how you both handled marital issues. That doesn't mean the affair is your fault though -she chose the crappiest possible way to deal with your joint marital issues. It is her responsibility to change her coping methods, and it is your responsibility to change yours.

I agree, this affair stuff really requires a lot from the BS, but hang in there. It does get better with time and if your wifes actions now show that she is remorseful and committed, then try to focus on that. Can't change the past......

Yea those pics are hard to get out of your mind ill tell you.

SpouseGuess,



Yep. My wife is very remorseful and she is doing everything I need from her. I have told her the story up top (but not as venomous) and she listens. She cries everytime she sees me crying and she rushes to hold me and show me how much she loves me.

I've heard it so often and it never really made sense till just now: forgive is for me, not for her. TOOMuch worded it well enough that I thought about it over night and realized how important forgiveness is for myself and reconciliation is for us.

Thanks

Why is it that the FWS should be forgiven?

Well...if you want to stay married to her you must forgive her, otherwise the marriage (relationship) with her is doomed.

I happen to think that you don't have to forgive...IF you choose to end the marriage.

JMHO
committed

I believe that we forgive, so that we too may be forgiven.

Of what? Of our own selfishness, our own weakness, our own mistakes, our own willful misconduct. Extending the grace we have been given by God to our spouse is the best way to show God's love to them.

But there should be genuine remorse from the wrong-doer. God is angry with our sin also, until we express remorse and a desire to reconcile our wrong actions with God's will for us.
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I John I:8-10
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

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Sorry for the Christian spin, if it's not your thing.

NTL

I'm confoozed here..... u r angry but she is doing all she can?

Is what she is doing, not enough?

R U going through a phase which you need help on?

Do you need assistance on bringing closure to this horrendous chapter in your lives?

What type of MC r u both doing now?

What r both your ENs?

Willing to give Jennifer a call?

U know, anger is part of the BS grieving process but only 1 of the stages. Do you know what other stages you may be going through?

L.