My wife told me this moring that she paid the rest of the fileing fee for the divorce, so its on now. She did say today that our marriage ending was not my fault, she took responsiblity for the affair, and told me right now she just does not want to be married.

I do love her so much, we both screwed this marriage up. I just wish she wanted to fix it. I know we got married way to young, and that she feels like she went from her mom and dads house to mine, never got to be herself.

I told her im going to really miss her she said im still here. But shes not, not the way I want her. See with all the crap that has gone on this year there still no hate in either of us, we grew up together and ill miss my friend so much.

What to do now? Start over I guess, god I dont want to.

wow, you are going to give up that easily?

Well today yea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> No im not going to give up at all. Just depressed now thats all. I know she still loves me somewhere. The affair is sooooooooooooooooooooo done, she told me today that maybe down the road we can be together again.

Im not sure what my next step is of if I even have one with her. I know I need to change the way I handle my anger, and its much better then it was at one time. I just need to learn to control my BIG MOUTH!! She needs to deal with stuff to.

But at least she took alot of the blame today something she has not want to do in the last 4 months, it was always me. Today she told me that alot of this was her, her feelings, her choices and she took blame for these last few months.

So what would your next step be? We did not talk much last week because of my blow up at her. Do I just take it slow?

First off, the affair is not "done," you caught him at her office just a couple of days ago.

Secondly, you can get a grip on your anger and start practicing a REAL Plan A and attract her back. This is far from over so don't pre-emptively throw in the towel.

Well they do work in the same hospital, no way she can quite, and I did not catch him at the office must be someone else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> As I said it ended very badly, she hates him. It was not a I love you affair im not really sure what it was. Think it was the 2nd guy she had ever been with crush. I know it was still and affair, and she did get emotionaly tied up for a few weeks.

Im working on the anger, im not going to toss in the towel now or for a long time. How long before I really start a plan A? I mean write the letter?

Thanks Melodylane for all your help. I know I seem blind at times about the affair being over, but heck I was there, saw her cry, saw the anger in her when she found out all he was was a player, trying to get with what ever he could. I got the call from his wife, "dont either of you call us ever again". She got confronted at the fair and called a slut by the wifes family and the wife.

ahhhh, I did get you mixed up, sorry! Plan A is not a letter, it means avoiding lovebusters and doing your best to meet her needs. You should start this TODAY. Do you have any of the Harley books? A real good one for you would be Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. They would help alot!

sorry about getting your story mixed up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I have lots of experience with medical people...and know of plenty of medical affairs...heck my xbf and i dated for almost a year...met in medical setting ok?

hospitals are like mini cities. That's how and what they are. It is a whole different mind set you're in whenyou're there ok? Completely counter to life outside of it. Endorphins run amuck there. And that is why affairs happen in that setting.

Your W is still foggy. She is saying whatever justifies her living immorally right now. That she never had chance to grow up. That she never got this or that. Poor wifey! Did you? Did you have the chance to find yourself ever? To experience other women in life? Nah. YOu made the choice to be married to one person. Wife of yours does NOT get off hook for feeling sorry for herself.

When she says "I never had a chance to be MYSELF. To be Free."
You: Wow. I never thought of it that way. You're right. I never got that chance. (expect wierd look).
Wife: I just want to find myself.
You: I want to find her too. Have you seen my W?
Wife: We could be together maybe one day...but I need to see the world. I need to experience life.
You: Yes, we could heal our marriage and make it better than it was. But I don't want to be with soembody who feels that experiencing life is really sleeping around with other men. If you want to experience life and see the world, then maybe we should just take a long cruise or something? Heck. I haven't seen the world or experienced life. If you leave, then I'll take it alone. Good idea W!

Learn the art of reverse babble to her.

Yea shes in all kinda of fog now. But getting better by the day. I like how to reverse the babble. What I got was I dont know who I am. Well I do and this is not YOU!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I did get to have my wild phase of like it just lasted about a year when I was 20, no desire now to do any of that crap anymore. She did decide to get married, and for 19 years, during the good times and bad she stayed faithfull.

Then at 37, right after my daughters 8th birthday (the same age my wife was molested by her father) she nutted up.

I dont mean just the affair im mean NUTTED up. Cried when she could not go out with her friends, it was just the weirdest thing I have ever seen. It was kinda of scary for a month or so. She still as you say in the "fog".

Its ok ML lots of post on this board they knida of run together and your here all the time for everyone its cool.

Yea hospitals just suck. They are there 12 hours aday.

I was told that I never let her be her. I dotn drink, smoke or party, and in truth she does not either, she does smoke now but drugs and the other stuff she just does not do. I think its more image then anything. She thinks she miss out on all this "fun", and its just not guys it all of it. This will pass someday and its getting better day by day. But man what kinda of "fun" is it to go to bars, rather sit and watch TV with my kids and wife anyday.

You need to start really listening to your wife. She wants to have fun, go out experience life. You want to sit home and watch TV with the wife and kids. Neither one is wrong, but listen to her. You are in Plan A, so plan something fun. She wants to be more then a mother, she wants a life outside of working and being a mother. Not necesarrily a bad thing. Remember in order to be good parents, we need to have a strong relationship with our spouse. And to have the strong relationship we need to be alone as a couple, without the kids on a regular basis. Hire a baby sitter and take her out for a night on the town. We have Dave & Busters and Jillians around here, yes they are bars but also have fun stuff to do. You can play pool, shoot darts, play golf, shoot basket ball, video games, skeet ball, you get the idea. FUN! If that's not for you, how about a round of mini-golf and a nice dinner? A dinner cruise? A play? You need to do something out of the ordinary. She wants to get out and have fun, so go out and have fun with her! She is telling you exactly what you need to do to woo her back, listen!

Its not the fun she wants to have with me. Its the going out with the girls its going out with guys. thats the fun she wants. Today we started talking about custody of my baby girl. My fing god. Custody and visatation of a human being.

This is all fed up to ******. Why in the ****** did I ever get married in the frist place if this is what it has to be. Why put yourself thru this, why why why? God I have to think about what holidays I want to see my daughter. What bull S***. She is my god damn kid.

Hey ML, what step should I take now? a week ago she called me all day long now after I blew up the other day maybe once aday. I have read plan A, im working on my anger issues but im just afraid that its to later.

I told her im sorry I lost her and she said you did not lose me im still her. Dont really know what that mean.