Found out in July my wife of 13 years is having an affair with a younger guy. At first she just stayed out late then she started not coming home. Now I know who the guy and she basically only comes home in the morning to get ready for work and after work to get ready to go out. Now she is 38 and I think the guy is 31. He rents a room in a house from a guy in town about a mile from our home. Now what makes this odd to me is she does not want a divorce and does not want to move out of the house. She says she loves me and even has tried to make love to me in the morning when she comes home. She says that we need to stop fighting and become friends again before she can be sure about us. Today was actually the first day that I kept my cool and did not argue and it was a good day.When she left she text messaged me and told me how nice it was not to fight and how nice a day it was. I have been trying plan a but it is really hard. When I keep my cool things seem better. We used to fight alot and actually just when through some hard times financially. So my question is how do you know if you are being played or if something is actually worth hanging on to. All my freinds think I should dump her and move on.
Thanks in advance.

Webs, sorry you find yourself here. These boards other than General Questions II move really slowly, so you might want to post there as well.

She says she loves you and doesn't plan to move out? Is this painful love triangle okay with you? Because she can continue on with it indefinitely. YOU are going to have to be the one to bring an end to it.

With Plan A, at the same time you are loving, calm, and exhibiting no Love Busters you must also convey a firm requirement that you will only continue on in the marriage if it is exclusive. Sometimes people misinterpret that Plan A is being a doormat. It is not.

"I love you, I want to work on our marriage, but I respect myself and our marriage more than to allow you to continue your adultery right under my nose. I cannot and will not tolerate it. You must END that relationship to have a marriage with me."

Continue reading the posts/letters/and descriptions of Plan A and Plan B - I also recommend Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough"

She is cake-eating, on the fence. She will remain there until you refuse to allow it.

Do you have children? Does she have previous history of any other addictions - alcohol, spending, gambling, drugs?

Transferred from the Recovery board - I found this accurate, descriptive & helpful -

Read what Frank Pittman says about 'romantic infidelity'


Quote:
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ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.


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No she has no other addictions that I know of and no we do not have kids. She just says she needs to get her head screwed on straight and that she needs time and needs to do it in her own way.Whatever that means. Just don't know how to go about wading through the bs if that is what it is.
Thanks for the reply.

Then she should get her head on straight without the sleepovers at the OM's!!!

Webs, you are going to be on a real roller coaster - have you read the threads of "Fight4whatsright"? Good example of someone in your situation who feels hopeless one day, then picks himself up and starts again...

After 13 years - were they good years? Okay? Bad?

Have your read His Needs Her Needs? That would be a good place to start - you need to identify your top 5 needs and hers and think about the ways they were not getting met for both of you. If you can identify what OM is meeting that you were not, you can better understand how this A happened. That doesn't justify it, NOTHING justifies it. Nothing excuses adultery, but there are things that explain it.

Keep posting, NTL

Think about that exposure stuff too. It helped me make my wife's affair more "Real".

Why keep secrets like this for her?

I have exposed this affair to everyone. My biggest problem is getting her to stop seeing the om. Every time I try to talk to her about it it becomes a fight. So if I don't bring it up everything seems fine until she leaves to go to him. She keeps telling me it is coming to an end and kind of acts like it too but then they always seem to get together. My d-day was 8-22-05 wondering if it is time for plan b?

What are your expectations if in a month or so she tells you the affair with the OM is over? I ask this because she is doing this in your face, knowing it hurts you, but doesn't stop. What makes you think she will come back to you and all will be better? If she doesn't think that now, why after she and the OM have had their fill of each other do you think things will be better?

Isn't that the whole Idea behind plan a to get the affair to end and work on the marriage? That is kind of my question how long do you be nice without being a doormat.

Experts can chime in here, but I think don't confuse Plan A with being a doormat. I believe that Plan A firmly states, "I love you, I want to work on our marriage, but I will not be part of a painful love triangle. You must decide who you want, and I will give you (an undisclosed amount of) time to make your decision. But one day (when??? you never say) I will wake up and then if you haven't made a decision, I WILL."

It is a strong thing to do, it takes courage and self-respect, but it is not being a doormat.

No lovebusters just means that during the course of your contact in Plan A you do not make selfish demands (monogomy is NOT a selfish demand!), disrespectful judgements (hard when your spouse turns into a moron), or angry outbursts.

WS are often taken aback by the placid calm of their BS, the inner strength that is mustered, the self-respect demonstrated, and come out of the entire experience with an entirely new understanding of the spouse they thought they had fallen out of love with!

Best of luck - have you read Plan A and Plan B thoroughly here?

NTL

I am reading the book Surviving an Affair. It almosts sounds like you have to lay down the law then be nice about it but have respect for yourself. My problem is I don't want to leave my house and she won't leave either. I just hate this crap.

She won't leave? Have you told her to?

Post that exact question on the General Questions II board - title it

How do you get your WW to leave the house if she won't stop cheating? Or am I supposed to let her stay while she carries on with OM?

You will get a flood of responses and a lot of help. My WH left voluntarily both times, so I'm not an expert in that area. But I did live with him for a month knowing full well that he was having an A during the relapse period and it was complete he[[ - I couldn't take it. Inhuman to have to live that way, I think. Your WW is being very very cruel to put you thru it. She is being a cowardly cake-eater. You do not have to live like this!

Really, go post on GQII - I'll be watching over there. I know this is a PlanA/Plan B question, and you are right to put it on this forum, but there is a lot more expert traffic over in GQII.

NTL

Ok i am at the point where I need my cake eater to get off the fence. She keeps telling me give it some time and it will work out, but she is still seeing the om and still telling me she loves me etc. How do I get the point accross and if she continues with the om, get her to move out of our house? HELP

Give it some time and it will work out??? Is OM going to move into your spare room or something? This is typical WS fog - she thinks it will all "work out" but doesn't have a plan to exactly do that. Meanwhile she cruelly continues to see OM - you are basically going to have to insist that she move out if she is going to cheat on you... to the point of taking her to court on it perhaps? Really, post on the general questions board to get some answers to this question of how to get her out of the house.

NTL