We both LB'd this morning. It seems like it was over something stupid but this is a major problem in our marriage. H feels that I talk down to him and everything has to be my way. I feel like he goes out of his way to not do what I ask and make me feel like my opinion is worthless. I'm aggressive, he's passive, we're both controling.

I had bought cat food the night before and the bag was still sitting in the kitchen. I was busy and asked "could you please put the cat food in the plastic container." He said he would but he came back too fast. I reminded him that the cats would tear into the bag and make a mess if it was just left out with them instead of in the container. He said he would do it later and proceded to watch TV and ignore me. I tried to talk to him but he had already went on the defensive and kept telling me "it doesn't matter." It matters to me, so by saying that I feel he is saying "I don't matter". It (or should I say "I") got really ugly from there. It ended with him smashing the remote and telling me "I'm leaving" as he stomped out of the room. He quickly came back in and we both apologized for hurting each other.

I just can't get those words out of my head. I fear so much that I will give everything to this marriage and he will leave me when I have nothing left. I'm terrified of making a mistake. I feel so helpless and worthless. He assures me he is committed and just said that in anger. I want to believe that he will never leave or shut me off again. Those words just opened up an old wound and made the pain so fresh. I don't think it is intentional but those words just happen to come out every time he is really mad at me. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he did just leave rather than keeping me walking around on eggshells. I just want the pain and fear to go away.

Why don't you change the way you treat him and see if that changes his reactions? This was such a silly, needless fight. Instead of having a battle of wills where he feels treated like an errand boy, why not put up the cat food yourself? It sounds very much like he resents being told what to do like a kid.

This statement is very telling:


I would be VERY CONCERNED about this statement and hope you pay it heed. Instead of ordering him around, why not do it yourself instead, and then find ways to make him admired and respected instead of talked down to? Do you think he feels that you respect him as a man?

What are his top needs? What do you think attracted him to the OW?

MC has pointed out that WH likes being the child even though he hates being talked down to. (I like the control but not all the responsibility.) OW (SIL's best friend) was a substitute mother figure as well. However, during A she lived far enough away that she couldn't put too many demands on WH. She was wanting to change that and A quickly ended when they learned I still wanted him. I think her getting too serious had a lot to do with me finding out. He left too many clues that last week after she put a deposit down on a house they went hunting for with MIL and SIL. I have asked and the only thing that WH says OW did that I didn't was listen to him complain on the phone without offering too many opinions. I am trying to listen without trying to fix his problems.

In the past I did treat him like a child and I regret that I slipped today. It was a stupid argument, but aren't they all? Even he admits that I am changing how I treat him. I try to give him a lot of affirmation. I don't think I was talking down to him when I asked for help. I was busy and needed help. In the past, I would have gotten mad that he didn't offer to help, but I took the time to ask nicely. He's worried about something that's coming up at work this week, so he was already a bit defensive. My mistake was nagging him instead of backing off when I felt he was ignoring me. I know the things I need to work on. I'm learning and getting better, but I'm still going to slip up occasionally. I feel that I can't enjoy the good times because I'm worrying that he'll leave me when I make a mistake. Those words just reinforced my fears. I don't think he meant them, but ...... I still wonder.