This happened to a girlfriend of mine ...

and eventually they parted ways because her husband decided he could no longer pretend he was bisexual ... he is was and will be gay for the rest of his life.

This happends far more often than you might imagine.

I am so sorry.

For sure get tested for everything.

No way to tell right now how this will unfold. Keep your chin up. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU !!!!!

Scared,

You have a right to be scared or even frightened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There have been a variety of posters here where it was the W that discovers her attraction to other women here. Interestingly, they don't generate near the level of response although they do get responses.

I would say this. First you and your H need to examine your marriage. Do the work to see if you can rebuild it and make it something you both love and crave. I would suggest tests for both of you, because while you are probably right he is telling you the truth, people do lie and this could be very bad for both of your's health.

If as Pep alludes he finds he is homosexual rather than bisexual, there is little you can do. If he has attraction to some men, that is NOT fatal in my mind. Why? Because sexual attraction covers a whole range of things. It is normal, however, attraction does not mean permission to violate the marriage or that the marriage cannot be successful.

Frankly, whether I find some women attractive or more attractive than my W is not relevant to the fact that I am married to here, and that ends it with regard to a relationship with someone else...male or female.

So I would recommend that until it is established that his attraction is ONLY to men and not you, I would consider working on this marriage. You have reason to worry, but worry about your marriage as anyone would that is concerned about a 3rd party entering it.

Start from that point, and that means reading up on NEEDS, Policy of Joint AGreement, Radical honesty. Work with your H if he will and see if you can overcome his attractions.

Start there first, then worry about other things as they become clear.

God Bless,

JL

I found some questions that are good solid questions for anyone dealing with these issues. They are questions to ask yourself to help understand more clearly where you are in your relationship.

1. Does he want to change?

2. Does he love you?

3. Is he having sex with other people, or is this limited to fantasy, pornography, masturbation and such?

4. Is his acting out with others solely sexual and not relational?

5. Is he doing things to try and change?

6. Is he being honest with you?

7. Where is he spiritually?

8. Does he fulfill his other obligations as a husband and a father?

9. Is the sexual relationship in your marriage satisfactory?

10. Are there problems in you that need to be dealt with?

11. What are the other problems in the marriage?

12. All things considered, is separation or divorce a better option than staying together and living with the problem?

I'm not going to allow myself to get involved in another thread-jacking, so this will be my last post on this thread on subject:


IMO the Genesis story is largely metaphorical in nature. If it's meant to be interpreted literally, then please advise - where did Cain and Abel's wives come from? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


My interpretation of that passage is a reference to the Commandments (i.e. the 10 Commandments, handed down by His Father).



I see the Bible as inspired by God. I do not see it as error-free, but as what I'd expect men, with their flaws and personal biases, to write, with some additional editing for good measure. Even the Gospels themselves have contradictory statements. And don't forget the possibility of mistranslations as well. The last one I've heard about was an apparent flap over the "Number of the Beast" being 616 in the original text, not 666 as it appears in many of the Bible's translations. That's a fairly large mistake, if true!



Answered above.

I am going to counseling tomorrow (although I think it is just a councelor and not someone with real experience). On Wednesday we both go to a Dr. that specializes in gays and lesbians. I am starting to get the feeling that he doesn't want it to work out. I think he would have prefered me to have kicked him out of the house. But 23 years together is too much to just leave behind.

Someone mentioned about looking at this from a third party joining the mix more than a gay thing. That is what I am doing and think that is the only reason that I am actually getting through this a bit (although I am down 12 pounds since last Sunda - NOT good). I know I need to face the gay bit, but he has said himself that it is a feeling he has had for years. If that is the case, I know I can not change him and we will move on. But once in a while he throws in the comments that do make me feel he wants to see what we can do. God I hope he isn't doing that just to make it easier. Because that is what will kill me. Just let me cut my losses now!

Thanks for all the input. I am hanging in there.

Thank you realtor for your comments. Bashing is not what I need right now. That is not what I was going for with this post.

(thought I posted this earlier, but it seems to have disappeared into a digital black hole...)

Just a question: concerning the ED, did he have the will and desire to engage in SF with you, but was physically unable to do so? This is perhaps more a question for your H, not you. It could explain some things...

To Almostrecovered,
I would love to chat with you off the posts. Email me at laurie7866@gmail.net if you would like to chat. I need a friend right now.

ScaredinGA, you have chosen to seek advice from AlmostRecovered, and that is your right. Considering his hostility toward believers in Christ, I wish you well as you struggle with a very difficult situation. I take this, and your refusal to comment about your faith and your husband's faith as indicative that I was wrong to interpret your original comment about having an appointment with a Christian counselor to mean that you were Christians.

Sincerest best wishes that things will work out for you.

FH,

I guess, no I don't guess. I find your comments here offensive. I AM a Christian I would NOT presume to pass judgement on this poor woman, I don't know how you feel you have the right to do so. Whether she meets YOUR litmus test for "true" belief or not, is NOT a matter of Christianity.

I am really disappointed in your responses here.

God Bless YOU,

JL

Thank you. I do consider myself a christian. I have found some of these posts harsh and have ignored them. I don't want lectures, I am looking for support. Just because I don't quote the bible or that I can accept my husband's sexuality, doesn't mean that either of us are not christians. I just don't want to go to a counselor and have them have an agenda before we walk in. I want someone that is open.

some of you are becoming my backbone. I thank you for that.

Scared,

Work with your H on this. I truly hope that he feels your marriage is worth saving and that in the end you do as well. Neither of you will know until this thing is explored fully.

God Bless,

JL

ScaredinGA,

I just wanted to say that I have you and your family in my prayers, and I look forward to meeting you at the Atlanta "get together"...


ForeverHers,

I mean this with no disrespect, as you have helped me in the past with your vast knowledge of scripture. I am not offended by anything that the Bible says, and believe it in it's enirety...literally...But, I ask you, as one Christian to another, in earnest...If Jesus were posting on this board, do you think that He would be hammering ScaredinGA with scripture or offering her comfort and support during this time of obvious distress? Don't you think that He might take a more delicate approach? I believe that scripture would certainly say so...I'm honestly not trying to incite any debate, as I do respect you and your unwavering faith...I am just sincerely asking you to think about your presentation of truth here, and perhaps seek counsel in prayer regarding your approach...

In Christ,

Mrs. Wondering

ScaredinGA,

I would like to recommend a film called "Normal" starring Jessica Lange and Tom Wilkenson. It tells the story of how a married couple deals the husband's long suppressed sexuality. The situation is different, because it does not deal with homosexuality or bisexualty, but with transgender orientation. It is a very tender and moving film and I think you might like it.


ForeverHers,
Unfortunately I have found many of your comments here on this thread disrespectful and self righteous --- not very Christ-like at all. I am sorry that this is so, because I find that you have otherwise often been able to give valuable support and certainly, you are a valuable member of this community.

Why is it that because a moral absolute is declared, that person is said to be "judging" or declaring "disrespectful judgments"?

Isn't it moral relativism that brought all of us here? A graying of moral code that requires fidelity between two? Where one said that moral absolutes don't work for them, therefore declaring that there is no such thing?

If homosexuality is a genetic trait rather than learned, is it not similar in nature to depression, cancer, obesity, diabetes, etc. that has power to influence behavior if not mastered? The so-called "fact" (which hasn't been proven to any definitive degree - which is why there are still arguments over it) that it's something one is born with, doesn't negate moral code or moral law. All the more reason for needing moral absolutes.

Scared - has your husband resigned himself to acting on his impulses, or does he desire to master them? Either way, he is in for a life-long struggle - because to abandon his Christian beliefs for a homosexual lifestyle will not bring him any more peace than to try to stifle, without assistance from ministers and Christian oriented counselors, his sexual desires. The two must become reconciled and you will not find that with a secular-based counselor - they will only seek to neutralize the effect that his faith has had on him, causing him more unrest and disharmony in the long run.

Post deleted by Suzet*

ForeverHers

At no time have I shown hostility towards Christians. On the contrary, I admire your faith and I see Christianity as a fantastic way to live your life. I was raised in a Christian home and as a result, most of my morals and ethical viewpoints are very Christian in nature. Furthermore, I studied theology and biblical studies at Trinity College Dublin. While doing this I studied Greek and Hebrew and learned how to translate scriptures, I read Kant, Hume, Descartes, Nietzsche and many of the great Philosophers. 3 of my immediate family, including my father are clergymen so how could I be hostile towards believers in Christ ?

My issue is with your dogmatic approach towards scriptures. You quote scriptures and believe them to be the final word on any matter. It's obvious you've learned them well but you don't really know them at all. The scriptures cannot be taken literally and to do so is ill-informed and dangerous. You cannot read the bible without a significant element of human interpretation, some of it is obvious and some of it is the subject of debate but to blindly and literally read the texts is not only lazy, it makes a mockery of true Christianity. Someone very close to me who is held in extremley high regard in the community as a man of sound Chrstian morals and a great leader in this respect once told me that as a Christian, he asks himself in every situation, what would Christ do, and he tries to follow that lead.......I've never once heard him quote scripture.

I'm not going to get any further into this debate with you in this forum. Name the forum and I will gladly continue the discussion but it's not fair to take up any more of this thread on ScaredinGA who needs compassion and understanding without moral judgement.

ScaredinGA - You have mail

***Post moved to new thread by TM to avoid TJ'ing...sorry Scared***

AlmostRecovered - With all due respect, your own statements show a marked hostility toward Christianity and Christians. NO ONE takes everything as a "literal" fact that is in the Bible. There ARE literal facts, such as the life, death, and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; there are allegorical stories such as the story of the Good Samaritan; and there are metaphors such as "God having wings," even though we know He is a spirit. The Scriptures use all forms of literary speech to reveal to us what God wants us to know and how to be saved from sin.

You state; "I choose to put my faith in fellow man. You put it in an unseen, unknown, unproven entity." That just about sums your version of "Christianity.

I put my faith in God. So much for your not showing hostility toward Christians. You are obviously so much more holy and right that I should NOT stand for God whether it's "popular" to do so or not.

Let me put it as simply as I can; I put my faith in a seen, known, proven entity...; God, Jesus Christ the Son of God. "If you have seen me, you have seen the Father, if you know me, you know the Father."

I respect your friend for showing Christ through his lifestyle, as that is the 'best way' to show the world a changed life. But "not quoting Scripture" is no virtue. There are times when one MUST quote Scripture to clearly state what God has already revealed in His Word. Jesus himself, quoted Scripture several times, so I would assume that you might agree that quoting Scripture to clarify what God has ALREADY revealed as His will and the truth is "okay."

This hurting and confused CHRISTIAN woman, and her struggling husband, have claimed Christ by what she has finally stated. If that is so, then God is the one that they should be looking to for guidance and should put all "human" advice against the Word of God to determine if it is "of God or of man." That IS my opinion and the opinion of millions of committed Christians around the world.

I think everyone has their good intentions and points they want to defend, but wouldn't it be in the best interest of ScaredinGA to defend them in another post?

I'm just asking out of consideration for someone who is going through a hard time without having to read through everyone elses debates.