Usually I post as the FWS, and not very often as the FBS...maybe because sometimes I don't like to think that I was betrayed too, and maybe too because of so many discussions that say a FWS would never feel as the FBS does if the BS had an affair after the FWS...

As the FBS I do get alot of support from my parents and from a few MB members whom I talk to...and I use them to vent or express feelings instead of to Sprint (H)...or on here. but tonight I just kinda wanted to let it all out, and post - I don't know why...

It will be 10 months post MY A D-day on October 17th...and it will be 4 months post Sprint's A D-day on October 24th. When Sprint left - my world almost fell apart. I truly believe that if I hadn't have been here on MB learning, changing, etc for the 5 months leading up to the day he left, I wouldn't have been able to handle it as well as I did. He left for a month...I had no confirmations that he was in an A, just the fact that a week before he left he got a text message from a girl saying night baby, and days later him telling me she had told him off as he had told her the truth - he hadn't been in a relationship with her, but was leading her on...(his way of excusing a blosoming EA) When he confessed a month later I found out how many lies had been taking place...that she had never told him off, however cooled her heels as she had seen his wedding band on in the webcam and had believed we were already seperated and wouldn't move forward if he was still not completely over me...and convinced her he was and days later, left me and the kids.

When he came back - he promised to not do what I did and drag out the details, so he gave me all I wanted. The first few weeks were hard - I found all the MSN Messenger conversations that had taken place before and after the seperation, and sadly tortured myself through reading 3 weeks of them before Sprint saw what i was doing and took the computer away from me - not to protect himself, but to protect me - after all - he had been a FBS first and knew what obsessing and torturing yourself could do.

This made me so mad - I thought - HECK you had 6 months to obsess, dwell, be cruel - and now you are telling me i can't??? but I realized he was right. that reading those things did nothing but hurt me more.

We tred to talk about our feelings...but it only triggered eachother and we both got mad over both affairs - it became a one up - but you did it too everytime I tried to talk about it. Sprint told me that he couldn't be my confident in healing from this A, because he couldn't do it without bringing up what I did or my affair. Sadly, I knew he was right - he suggested I use my MB friends and my parents to talk about my feelings, and only come to him for details. I knew that this was the only way this would work.

In the first month or two - if I triggered, I would tell him I triggered, in a calm way - and he would hug me and then tell me how he understood as he had triggers the same...and I appreciated the hug and comfort, but at the same time, would feel angry because he had all the comfort time from me for months before without me bringing up my feelings...I wanted to feel comforted without being reminded of everything I was reminded about for the months before he left. But I also knew that this was the way it was going to be, as he was still healing too...and so I would apologize and we comforted eachother.

This has continued, and things at home are really good - they really are. He reminds me he loves me several times a day and there is so much affection and attention and it is genuine. We are in love...

The triggers don't come as often - maybe once every day or two - not like the past few months, or the frist month when I was bombarded every second of every day. I am still so angry sometimes though. Angry that he left, angry that he planned a future with her and when it didn't work it out he came home. And then I say to myself - I kinda did the same thing - but then I get angry and I say - I DIDN"T do the same thing - I didn't leave. I wanted him - even in my A...but then I realize I am justifying and undoing things I have learned...and stop myself - then I am angry that I can't just be a normal BS - that my affair taints everything.

His reasons and understandings for his affair are SOOO drastically different than mine - yes we followed the same patterns, yes we ended up in the same negative cycle - but things are so different, that I know I will never fully understand his. He wanted to replace me - I had hurt him so bad he was willing to leave me and the kids behind and build a new life with someone else...until he realized he couldn't replace me.

I am still so hurt by it - still cant stop thinking of her - the time they spent together, the things they talked about - the future they were planning. I know people say those thoughts fade in time, but i hate thinking them - I feel they taint what is happening right now - and what is happening right now is so good. I keep refocusing on NOW and the future, and not what was done, as I can't go back and undo what I did, nor can he go back and undo what he did. What is done is done.

He has been in and out of town, and working 12 hour days and has been exhausted - we haven't had sex in 7 weeks and I wonder if it has something to do with her - was she that much better than me? but then the affection and love and we spend all our free time together, and we talk deeply and it is so genuine - I know that it really is just tiredness...but you can't help but think the worst. When he is working late - because most of his coversations took place at the office - I wonder the whole time - but he calls me, and I have access to records, and he is so transparent - that I know he is not talking to her or cheating...but I can't stop wondering all the time.

And the thing is - What makes this so much harder, is the sadness added on top of my pain, knowing that I made my husband Sprint feel this way too. That I hurt him, and he spent all those months feeling this way too...and then I get angry again because he KNEW how this felt.

Then sometimes I wish I would see the sorry and remorse on him that I showed him - the deep pain of knowing you hurt someone. Iknow he is sorry - he has said it once...and I know it pained him to see he hurt me...but I do believe that deep down, he still justifies his A with mine...even though he admits and knows it was worng and his justifications were wrong - but then again- I am assuming what he is thinking...and I could be way off base.

Not talking about the affairs - except details, has helped us focus so much more on communication, problem solving, meeting eachother's needs, and its really working - God I love him, and I have no doubts of his love for me - we are both trasparent and both honest, and genuine...and that helps these moments so much - but I wish these triggers would stop sometimes - they taint so much. I am getting so much better at redirecting and focusing on the good of now...which helps greatly...but sometimes the anger is very overwhelming, and I have to go have a bath, or call a friend until it subsides so I do not take it out on Sprint. I know what it feels like to have that anger taken out on you - and I will not do that to him. I will tell him when I hurt, but I wont show him my anger, or tell him what I am thinking - just what I am feeling...

But I wonder if he really knows how much this hurt me - I wonder if he thinks like so many BS's on here - that it could never of hurt me like it hurt him. I am not him, so I don't know if it hurts as much - probably not - i dont know - but it hurts - it hurts sooo much...and I feel that hurt subsiding...but it's still there on some days

The biggest thing is - I get scared - what if he decides it was a mistake to come back. What if he feels he lost her, and not gained me...

I feel so funny as a FWS feeling this way - but my affair doesn't help with these feelings at all - looking at mine in comparason to his makes me more confused, more hurt and more angry...

Anyways - I really just needed to let loose tonight and get this out...so thanks to anyone who listened...

Prayers are with you all on here tonight

Wow Dorry that was a wonderful post.

In fact it makes me think of things I would wonder if my WH ever comes home.

I ofter wonder if he comes home will he leave again thinking it was a mistake.

Will he wonder what life would have been like with OW.

It scares me to think of these things because if he does come home someday, will I always worry about him leaving again. I don't think I could go through this again. So it makes me wonder do I really want to risk this again if he comes home...

I love my H with all my heart and soul but just these thoughts alone make me wonder if its really worth saving.....

Dorry,

Your post is proof that sometimes when you think you are taking, you are really giving by sharing yourself with others.

I gained much from what you wrote. It was extremely insightful and just listening to your thought process not only shows how much you've grown, but gives me hope that I, too, might be able to rewire some of the patterns of thinking that have caused me harm, both personally and in my relationships.

I wish I could describe in more detail exactly what it was I gained from your words - too much, really, to say. I think I'll just let it sink in for now. I'm in a reflective mood.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

I find you to be a sweet, funny, cheerful, honest, and very real friend.

Thank you.

Dorry,
Thank you for your post. I am also a FWS and newbie BS. It is a most interesting position to be in. I understand the fog, I know all the lies, you can't bullsh1t and bullsh1tter. And I know the self loathing I woke up with one day, and I wanted to prevent my WH from having that same bottom.

But, I can't, it is his bottom. My A was 4 years ago, and this new situation has made me go back to my shame and guilt. It has made me even more remorseful, which is a good thing, but not helpful to my M. I want to be able to be the BS now without answering for my misdeeds. We should have dealt with that before. But we didn't, he said it was a non issue, that he had worked all that out during the separation.

It also stinks knowing that he KNOWS this pain and he did it to me anyway. Now that I know this from both sides of the street, I do not feel there is any possible way that I could ever be in another triangle.

I was really looking forward to recovery with my WH. I thought we could really get to a dtrong place, now that we know that we can't take anything for granted. We both know we are capable of A's, so we can't brush stuff aside. We were really going to have to tend to our garden, and I was excited about seeing what would grow. But, I don't think we are going to get that chance, and that is very sad.

But, I know that I am better, stronger and I know more about boundaries and listening and IDing needs, I just hope that WH was able to learn something from this mess too.

Thanks for sharing all that with us. I appreciate your posts.

Dorry

The hurt from rememberences and imaginings of Sprints intimacies with OW - in my experiences they start to throb, like a stress headache, getting more and less intense as the stress varies.

Like those headaches, once you get a handle on the stress, the throbs stop and you just get the occasional headache afterwards.Some are BLINDING some are just annoying.

In any case, process the thoughts of an affair properly ( as you seem to be) and the pain does start to recede.

I'm 15 months past d-day now and I only get that frightened 'bottom falling out of my guts' feeling about once a month or so when I get a trigger in a weak moment.

Somthing that has helped me is to realise that the affair is OVER. Pep's current signature talks about how you have to give up hope of a happier past - but Like Squid, Sprint's affair ( and yours) is dead now.

God knows the consequnces are enough to deal with without resurrecting the affair regularly.

I have found (when I have been able to do it) that it is quite liberating to realise I have no control over what has happened. Wish or pray as I might, God will not ( usually!) change time to undo history. I don;t have to worry about what Squid and OM said or did, because it is done, and not happening now. And it did not kill me or our marriage.

Dorry, its hard this recovery stuff. You may find yourself alone in a wilderness without a map at times. But it gets better overall, over time.

All blessings.

(((((Dorry)))))

In HIS arms...

Dorry, wonderful job expressing your feelings. Sorry you are struggling in your BS hat. I know the feeling of how badly being a BS hurts after being a WS. It seems to be heightend because we have to experience our own shame each time we experience the pain of picturing our S with OP. It is, IMHO, impossible to disentangle our own infidelity from our S's infidelity. Makes it more complicated to work through but you have a good handle on it. I do believe though, that Sprint is going to need to allow you some time to express your hurt without him coming back with what you did. {{{Dorry}}}

thanks everyone...sometimes everything is so clear, and other times its so confusing lol. Today is a much better day. I am glad not ever day is like yesterday, and that those moments don't last long. Honestly - at 4 months post - due to accepting feelings and refocusing on the present...I find 25% of my time is spent like that and the other 75% is good...the 25% though is very overwhelming at times though

(((HUGS))) and thank you for listening...

dorry

i'm so happy for you both that you've survived the hurt and realized your love for each other

thanks eav - I am too!