ok. small background. my H had a definate EA (no proof of PA) while i was pregnet and a few months after that. I made him leave the hosue he cdame back swearing that it was done with etc. since then OW keeps popping up either on phone records or text msgs. etc My h has told me that it is her pursuing him . Last September he siad she no longer worked at his job. Well then we finnanly got to a point of what i thought was recovery an dI was feeling so much better about our marriage. He finnanly got a new job away from that place and I thought it was all over finnanly!!

WEll on his last day at work that night at midnight the cell phon erings. it was other woman.. he did not answer, she did not leave a msg. I was not happy!!! he swore he had no idea why she would be calling and stuff. I did belive him b/c he normally never left his cell phone on and he had been. i figured if he expected her phone call he'd turn the cell off. he agreed to change number etc. well before we got it changed she called the next night at midnight. He then changed it! i thought Finannly she'll be gone.

Was I naive?? id ont know b/c i had a crazy feeling on SAturday i check the phone records and guess what. he had been in contact w/ her several times since changing the cell phone number. i confronted him he first lied and siad he didn't know how she got the number that his friend mustve given it to her. then i said i was calling his friend he finanly said he gave it to her. i was beside my self. he agreed to write no contact letter etc.

Well then Sunday I just fel tl ike I had to call her. i've watied 3 years wanting to do this. I called her . he didn't know. he doesn't know. i spoke with her for about 15 min. she said she is happily married and thought that it would be over when he left the job. she said he is obsessed with her and he called her the day after he chanegd his phone number. she said she has a folder of stuff he has given her. she siad she is tired of him callin gher etc. she wants to get on with her life. she also told me she has still been working at the same place (which he does not work at now ) and has been this whole time!!! she said she was going to change her phone numbers (i think shes scared i will call her Husband!) and she will not accept any contact with him. she aslo said i could call her anytime and that their relationship for the past 2 years has been just hi/by and when they talk its uusally him complining about me and our problems. (which is funny b/c the only problem we've had since hes been back is her popping back up in our life!!) i told her that and the stuff he has said about her being the crazy obsessed one etc. She was very nice to me. I was very nice also.

so heres where I am now. I know some new info: she still works there, this folder he gave her, hes always calling her etc. but he doesn't know i called. i dont know if he finds out b/c if he does it will be obvoious he has talked with her again. But it is soooo hard trying to be nice and loving when i know all of this. Where do i go from here? some people have siad this may finnnlay be my chance to get them apart. b/c she was totally onboard for them not talking etc. and i did tell her i'll check the phone records every couple of days. etc. so? what should i do? thanks for reading this far!!!

First off, gather up the evidence and give her H a call. He needs to be notified of the affair so he can watch her frm that end. Do you think you could trick OW into giving you this folder? I do not believe this was a "one sided" affair, but a two sided affair as indicated by her numerous midnight phone calls. After you have contacted the OWH, then show your H your evidence and ask him to write a no contact letter.

Also, I would quit talking to the OW, she is not your friend, but your enemy. She now knows your methods of snooping and can just go around them.

she offered to give the folder to me. I declined at the moment. I was so shocked i think. He did write the no contact letter before all of this started. I am printing out all of the phone bills I have and making copies etc. i do not belive it was one sided as I have heard messages she left in the past for him. But I dont know as of now what it is or what to do.

as you can imagine I am very disgusted. I still would like this marriage to work but i'm becoming less optimistic that it will ever stop. should i be in plan A yet again? these problems lie deeper then this oW but i fully belive i can not and will not be able to tell if we can recover until or unless she is completely out of the picture!!!

Your marriage can't heal or recover until she out of the picture forever.....

Your WH needs to understand this. If you have any chance of recovery he has to break all contact with her forever ....

where to go from here? what is my plan of action? i can not "control" what he does but what direction should I be headed in?

expose to her H.

Then what, what do I do regarding my marriage.

You set your boundaries and stick to them. What are your boundaries, can you identify them?

I"m not sure what you mean?

I dont know which boundaries i should set.?

one boundry would be NC. then figure out how? I would also call OW and get the file she has- then call OWH.

but how can I control or stick to no contact that is the choice he makes. i have set the boundary but then how do i follow it when i'm not making contact? i can not force him to have no contact. i feel we have done so much to try to prevent it, we have done countless no contact letters, we have change d the number twice, he has moved to a new job, we have done counsling. i need some thigns I can do to set up and maintain boundaries?

You give him your boundary of NC and what happens if he breaks it. Then follow through.

I dontknow what to do if he breaks no contact. i have done it everytime. first i said we'd change phone numbers. we've done that. then i said i'd contact her. id di that. i have kicked him out before for conatcting her.

First expose...then watch to see if C continues. Decide if NC is your primary boundary what you will follow through with. Does he move out? Does he move to a different bedroom. No you cannot force him to do anything. The only thing you can control is you. You decide how you will handle.

I guess your right I have tofigure out how to handle these situations of Nc. I just want to do it supporting our marriage. (isnt that crazy sounding.. how is he supporting our marriage wiht his shanagens!) Ughh. I dont know. i'm also keeping things for me i'm keeping a log of everything and i'm making copies of all phone bills. I have done so much his whole family.friends know about this and have for almost 3 years since it started. I just cant' belive how he acts so nomral around me. he was just atlking to me about having another baby etc. Then bam I find out shes stil in volved in one way or another.

It is cakeeating, mylife. He wants you the safe, loving wife and the "excitement" of the OW.

I just feel like this will nver end. i need to come up with a solid plan and the goal of that plan needs to be havin ga nice marriage. i feel i've done os much. now i know i need to set up this boundary. But What do I do about me righ tnow i feel disgusted with him. should i be in plan A? right now i feel like i'm barley there at all.

I would for the moment do a very good plan A or as good as you can feeling the way you do. Don't show your disgust but do tell him calmly without LB's how continued C hurts you and your M. IMHO, if he breaks NC then ask him to leave and go into a solid plan B. That may be the only thing to shake him up. First step though is exposure. If OW is "happily married" exposure will button up the NC problems.