My question is just that.........Is it as simple as.......Love is a choice? Just curious on subject.

Love is many things, but it begins with a choice. There are many forms that "love" takes, but at the root of all of them is a choice TO love, not to "feel first" and then "love."


Hope that helps.

M. Scott Peck and author who recently passed away has this quote in his book The Road Less Traveled:



I have to agree and believe that it is a thoughtful decision or a choice....

James,

The Road less Traveled is an excellent reading and in the book M. Scott Peck differentiate and explain the differences between real love (which is a choice), romantic love and feelings of love very thoroughly. A few years ago I have posted this extraction (just click on the link) from the book. Please read it. It will give you much understanding and insight. I will also bump it for you.

Love is often the result of a choice.

Now what type of love are you referring to?

L.

i think initially when we are single it is our feelings that lead us to love. once in love it then becomes a CHOICE to honor that love...

Thanks all for your input.

Suzet/Lost Husband.....Thanks for reading suggestion. I read it and agree with some of the points made. I must admit, it was a confusing read.

Orchid: What type of love am I referring to?

I really do not know anymore. Alls I know is I am looking for an answer that doesnt exist. I think I married to young and for the wrong reasons (although obviously I got along well with wife, I think it was the easy route, kinda like a safety net). But bottom line........like many ....I can identify with the people who say.......I love you but I am not in love with you. And I am not having an affair.

With my personality, it is hard for me to "fake it" and give my wife the impression that everything is ok. For a long time through the marriage she would not meet my EN's...whether it was losing weight or help with the financial side of things. After about 10 years of this and me finally getting to the point of saying I had enough, now she is trying hard. But even if she accomplishes this, I feel at the time it is too late. My love bank is empty. I do not feel the love I should feel for a wife. And I want that feeling.....I need it at some point in my life.....so, someone here might say it may come back over time or that I need to just fake it and it will come back......but I just do not see it coming back. That is my dilema.

But I do find this site very helpful. And there are alot of very helpful people here!

im sorry... i dont believe in the im not in love with you anymore thing. The thing to do is communicate- tell her how you feel offer solutions, talk,talk,talk, taqke initiative. get counseling, goto church with her, etc.
Do you thinkit easier to get someone else than save your marriage????????????? Use your time to save your marraige....My wh felt it was easier to screw around with another women than save ourmarraige...and now im here working and bending over backwards tosave mine because he isliving with her.
how fair or easy is that??????????????

Hi james,

Welcome to MB.



If you are open to the idea that anything is possible,then you can have a chance.If you want to be negative and doom yourself beforehand,you can do that too.Point is,every single relationship that exists has to be worked on,like a garden,or it will die.A common theme around here for WS's is that they expect other's to fulfill them,meet "needs" and curb their desires when it is the responsibility of you,the individual, to do that first.

The answers to our problems don't lie in the netherlands,they reside at home(IN YOU).Don't make the mistake that someone else will be the answer to all your problems.We have seen that go bad each and every time here.

Aside from the books mentioned,you would do well to also research the chemical reactions our brains have when being in love and "falling" in love,etc.These feelings ebb and flow.Boredom can set in in moderate to long term marriages and when these things happen,one or both people can feel it is "due to" the spouse.Most times,IMO,it's not.

I can hear a lot of rationalizations in your post and see some red flags that signal you are in trouble.I am glad to hear that you are not having an A but wonder if you are not "involved" with anyone else of the opposite sex in any way? Even as a so-called "friend"?

Reminiscing about your past with your W can help rekindle feelings.Going back and looking at old photos,recalling your marriage vows,family trips,special dates,old times.Have you ever tried doing this?

Out of curiosity,who needed to lose weight? Wife or you? Do you consider it a "need" to have an attractive wife who is thin?

O

Winterkisses:
"im sorry... i dont believe in the im not in love with you anymore thing. The thing to do is communicate- tell her how you feel offer solutions, talk,talk,talk, taqke initiative. get counseling, goto church with her, etc.
Do you thinkit easier to get someone else than save your marriage????????????? Use your time to save your marraige....My wh felt it was easier to screw around with another women than save ourmarraige...and now im here working and bending over backwards tosave mine because he isliving with her.
how fair or easy is that?????????????? "

We have had counciling at my initiative. She finally realizes the severity of the situation and is determined to try. I am very upfront and communicated very clearly over the years. It has finally sunk in for her. OK.....thats where I am at. You said, as many have said, that they do not believe in the "I love you, but I am not in love with you". Part of me understands this. The other part says why is it so hard to understand. Why can it not be so simple that, after years of aggravation, arguments, not getting what you need that you loose the feelings for the other person and would rather be on your own??? Would it be easier to get someone else then work on marriage?? I was thinking of just being on own.

I am sorry for your situation regarding your husband and OW. My conscious would not allow me to be that sh*tty. I made a decision that I would not leave for any woman. I wanted to make a clear decision.

Octobergirl:

I understand your points. I have been racking my brains for a long time trying to factor in all these points because it is such an important decision. The hardest point of all is same as Winterkisses comments......that love is a choice. And I would repeat....why can it not just be that we are not that compatable or we have grown apart or etc,etc,etc???

And no, I do not have any inappropriate friendships with any women.

Your last question......."Out of curiosity,who needed to lose weight? Wife or you? Do you consider it a "need" to have an attractive wife who is thin?"

Wife needed to loose weight. 130 at marriage, 200 when started asking her to do something. Yes it is a need. Not asking her to be thin, but was not finding her sexually attractive. Funny, I recall two to three years ago, in a discussion on this subject, I made a statement to the effect......the only time you will probably loose the weight is if you had to get back in the dating scene and that it is funny in a sad way that wifes (yes, I generalized) will not loose weight for the husband but will if and when they have to date again. These comments were after several years of frustration of wife fence sitting on issue and not loosing any weight.

Oh I don’t know really, this gets debated all the time. I know it sounds attractive to throw around platitudes like love is a choice. In my mind love is NOT a choice. Love is a feeling. Behaving in a loving fashion IS a choice. I may be splitting hairs, but I believe that there is a vast difference between the two (feeling love and acting out of love). I can choose to behave in a loving fashion even when I don’t “feel” like it. I can’t fake my feelings. Maybe some can.

I do know that the “in-love” feeling ebbs and flows in my life. Sometimes I feel it sometimes I don’t. If I ceased to feel it at all, and if the kids were grown, I would end the marriage. I want to feel love and to act in a loving way. The latter is a poor substitute for the former, at least to me.

James,

No one here will advocate that ALL marriages should be saved ALL of the time.But,what we have come to realize is that when someone is unhappy in the marriage,chosing to be with another person,before or after a D,doesn't always guarantee success.Many times not.The grass is greener approach is a myth.Which is why we try to help those already married,who already made a committment to one another with vows,who have a history together and may have children together,to give it their best try.

I also can appreciate how some people in marriage do give up on things: their health(weight),their dreams,their hopes,helping out,expectations go out the window,etc.I have heard that many times here.Personally,I do think some people get complacent.That's not how I am but I do understand there are those that do feel extremely comfortable in the marriage that they may lose desire and forget that marriage ALWAYS needs to be tended to.

I can understand your need to have an attractive wife who is healthy.That is not being mean.I also want that too(H).I am a fit, sized 4 woman who exercises and eats lots of organic food,etc.I am not attracted to overweight men who do not share a zest for life and getting out there.But when my WH gained weight,I still loved him no matter what and I tried to get him to be active with me.Instead of withdrawing,I encouraged him.Can you do that for your W? Have you?

There's a lot of fun to be had in doing activities together and part of the ENQ book is a list of activities you can decide are right to do.Your W might also be depressed or lonely or many things.Weight gain is commonly,partly so,due to an inner problem a person is avoiding,such as boredom,lowe self esteem,past hidtory issues,lack of acitivity is a common reason,poor eating habits.In other words,your W might be feeling badly too for certan reasons.

You may have grown apart but can you entertain the idea that maybe you can grow together again? Can you try now that your W is taking things more seriously? Love is a choice.You can choose to do loving acts and in return hopefully your W will reciprocate.But as with all marriages, a lot has to be worked through first.Have you thought about counseling? Do you really want to start over?

You have options james and I know they aren't easy.It's your choice.

O

Edited to add to CN's response: I believe that loving feelings once there can be rekinlded through loving actions,words and being together.If you never loved a person,then there is a chance that it may not happen.