To make a long story short - have been lurking here for over a year. WS began affair last fall. Began to reconcile over the summer. I was aware OP still calling - I was told OP couldn't let go, etc etc, but that things were purely plantonic. Finally I began to feel I was slowly going crazy as my reality continued to fly in the face of what I was being told (ie that NC was being attempted) I finally called OP who was completely blown away that WS and I were not only speaking but living together. WS furious at me, cannot believe I would "hurt" OP like this. OP no longer calling. We spoke for hours (myself and OP)- entire double life revealed - totally surreal. It is me, or is this crazy?

I was a WS and I lied to OP about alot - I had created a workld of lies...my husband became a WS and his was all based on lies - in fact, the OP to this day thinks he was already seperated when he started his A with her...

An Affair starts with a lie to the BS, and one lie leads to another and ALL WS's start to live in a world of lies...and the lies get so out of hand that it becomes normal - and it even becomes hard for the WS to start telling the truth - early in recovery - I had that problem...the lies came out so naturally and I would regret it the minute it came out of my mouth - it took me a month of H pushing for truth for the lies to break their hold of me.

It's not you - it's crazy and sadly it's the way WS's work - that is why exposure works so well. You didn't hurt OP - H hurt OP by lying to her - don't take the responsibility for that.

Hi GoDot,
I can relate to your situation and think it is very common when an A is involved- the WS very frequently try to keep
two lives going, and lie on both sides to keep up the
pretense. I think it's great that you call the OP and
let them in on the reality- this may be the thing that can
really put an end to the A.
Funny that your WS is worried about your "hurting" the OP-
when WS is the one doing the hurting, to both you and OP.
The WS is always furious when exposed, but usually gets over
it and when out of the "fog" realizes that you were doing it
to save your M.
WS will have to go through "withdrawal" for awhile, but should start coming out of the "Fog" and give you a chance at recovery-
Good luck with your situation,
Slammed

BS- me, 42
WH- 38
No kids together (H has two daughters from previous R)
2000- H diagnosed with depression and OCD- started on meds and has tried numerous AD's since.
2001- H has inappropriate internet "friendship", followed by EA with older, recently widowed woman for about 6 mos.
2002-2004- Things seem better, making some recovery
2005- Increasingly odd, secretive behavior by H, suspect
internet usage, possible EA's, SA, H moved out August.

The WS and OP relationship is based on a lie! he lies to her to keep her around and he lies to you to keep you around! That's the double life!

My H still lies to his OW to this day. He cannot tell her the truth because she doesn't trust him and that will rock their boat...He has to talk to me, but he cant tell HER about it or she will get mad...SHE is the one checking his phone now and wondering where he is...what a life to live, right?

No, it is not just you...this is their double life...he is made cuz he got caught! he is defending her because HE hurt her, not you! he will blame you for anything that goes on with them...

Many of my friends, even IC, suggest WS is pathologic liar - how can you tell the difference between pathologic lying, and lying to hide an affair?

I pulled this definition from an internet article I saved when I was wrestling with the same question in regard to my ex.

My ex lied (and still lies) about EVERYTHING.... and the scary thing is he believed a lot of it!!

It was almost, almost!, funny to see him lying because he lied about the same things, using the same stories, creating the same patterns and then couldn't figure out how he always got caught!!

He seemed to honestly not see the pattern because he started to believe that what he said was true and therefore didn't bother to remember the timeline or story behind the lie.

Of course WS lie to both BS and OP. That is what A are about, they can't thrive out in the light of day, so to speak. I am sure that my FWH painted a much dimmer picture of our marriage to OW than was actually true.

Or maybe, it was only after he began his A, was he able to clearly see some of the good things we did have in our marriage.

From my own perspective. I too spoke to OW following Dday and the bigger part of me wishes that I never had. Some of the things she suggested still create doubt within me. I have to remind myself that the real truth in everything is usually somewhere in between.

I know my FWH lied to me during his affair and after Dday. I also am sure that he lied to her as well. But, I also believe that she lied to him throughout the A, and to me following Dday. SHe lied to him to attempt to keep him in the A when he tried to end it, and to me simply to cause pain and confusion once she knew she had lost him forever.

I have very longwindedly stated that it is best not to take everything the OP says as TRUE.