Well I know this is all a process, as does bh. But I've run up against a wall that I could use some suggestions in getting over...

I've identified (but not yet come to completely understand) that my reaction to husbands business travel is very problematic. His being away causes me some kind of deep emotional pain that I either avoid by shutting down emotionally (and thus don't want to speak with him or email him while he's gone), or self-soothe by "using" om (which I don't, no contact is firmly intact... I just find myself getting foggy and "wishful").

I'd like to talk to my husband about this, but right now he doesn't seem to want to talk about anything to do w/ a (d-day 7-16-05) and has asked me to talk to my IC about anything to do w/ A before bringing it up to him (I have an appointment on Friday).

Hubby is away right now. I am having a hard time. Won't contact om, but am feeling confused and sad. Am trying to stay busy.

My questions: Can anybody relate to these things a) the difficulty of a spouse traveling and trying to stay connected... and b) a spouse who doesn't want to talk, but you do?

Thanks, hope this made some sense.

No surprise you haven’t had much response. On the buffet of posts—a FWS falls in the category of pickled herring and anchovy paste—not many takers. (And a post with “wishful” and “OM” in the same sentence is more like cod liver pate…it invites more disgust than interest.)


That said--good job on not contacting OM and on coming here--Welcome to MB!

Now, as to your post:

It sounds like you are lonely. Have you identified the ENs your H is not meeting? (Conversation, affection maybe?—with him out of town). I suggest first finding ways to having him meet those needs.

As to the wishful thinking bit—I imagine you recognize this is an escape. It has to stop in order for you to be safe and to heal. And you will have to heal your own pain on this. Thinking of OM will get you nowhere and does not address the problem at all (short of identifying that there is one).

I suggest each time you want to dream—recognize that it was your old method of escaping from your pain. THEN, starting finding a new method: focus on being a better person and loving yourself first. Then, call your BH and tell him you love him, join a woman’s book club, go walking with a female friend, read a book, etc. No matter what--YOU will have to heal your own pain to be healthy and whole.

As to discussing these thoughts with your BH, I suggest not talking about the A, if he doesn’t want to. Instead, talk about your M and stay positive when you can. (Don’t forget he is in an immense about of pain, be patient and don’t expect too much from him!)

Good luck!

Ahuman -- thanks. I needed a compassionate voice and think I'll be reading your post several times over the week while hubby is gone.

On the other note, I hope people's lack of response wasn't about thumbing their noses at a ws. My sense prior to this has been MB is a "safe" place to be honest about my feelings as I work on recovering and to ask for advice as I hit difficult patches. Yes ugly that I mentioned what I did, but I was being honest and wouldn't this be the place to turn in my struggles? kind of like AA for an alcoholic?

workingformore, the folks here are very supportive of doing the right thing. They are not supportive of WS' who come here and pine away for the OP. You aren't doing that at all; you seem to be looking for ways to avoid doing that.

Don't assume that folks are "thumbing their nose" at you; people post to whom they can relate.

Workingformore,

Yes, in general this is a safe place to post, although you will receive “slams” from people now and then - especially if you're on the wrong path. However, the majority here won’t give you a “cold shoulder” just because you are the FWS. I’m a FWS myself, so I’m the last one who will do that to you!

From what you have written I suspect you are still in withdrawl from OM... And your H's trips away from you make this process harder for you becaue you feel lonely. Your feelings are very normal and the residual thoughts and feelings for OM will subside as time goes by and you are moving further towards you personal and marital recovery.

Please read this thread on withdrawal (just click on the link). It will give you much insight and understanding and there is also suggestions you can follow to help you get through this phase.

Good luck!
Suzet

Working4more,
I can appreciate the lonliness you are feeling. I am also a FWW and I failed the battle of lonliness when my BH wasn't ready to or couldn't deal with my A. I am glad to are in IC. And I am glad that you seem to know that OM will not solve this problem for you.

If I had to do it over again, I would just try to concentrate on who I wanted to be, and that would not include an adulterer. I wish I had started classes, dug another pond in the yard, painted the house purple-anything but what I did.

I am reading Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue. It starts out by working on YOU. Maybe that is something you could look into. Getting to know YOU while you are waiting for your BH to want to work with you.

I am glad to say, that I do not pine for OM at all. I have even tried to muster up some good thoughts now that my H has left the house to be with his OW. But I have no residual fogginess where my A is concerned. I will not be that person anymore.

I know it's scary to have given up OP and know that BH has kind of left you hanging. But put the energy you put into the A into bettering yourself. And that will also show your BH that you are committed to the M.

Good Luck

Thank you ladies... i think I mispoke... maybe I didn't mean "safe" place... but I was definitely confused and dismayed when no one had any feedback for me.

Oops...didn't mean people were thumbing their nose at your post! I was just trying to say it may relate bad memories for some BS--so no post.

Have you read all the materials on this web page? The books? That's a good place to start on lonely nights!

...and keep posting.

working, that's fairly typical for everyone. Don't take it personally.

Thank you again. Like I said I know this is a process (and I've read a lot on the site (and some recommended books), although I do have more to read... good idea), I think it is just hard as you are taking the confusing inventory of why you did this (other than being straight-out selfish), and what you need to address that you have avoided to date. Identifying is one thing, but working through what seems like soooooo much some times (and working to meet hubby's en's), and often alone, gets overwhelming. I am not asking for acceptance of what I've done, just help as I move forward... I know everyone here knows that. So thanks...