My husband and I have been married 6 years. We have a 2 and 4 year old. For the entire time of our marriage I worked 2-3 nights a week as a RN. I thought we were in agreement of me working nights so that our kids did not live in daycare. In March he approached me and said we were having problems. I was stunned. He said that nights was getting to him, the kids were too much. He also said that I sometimes got "mouthy", which I am trying to work on. In the begining of May he said "I'm done". I freaked out. I went to work changed to work 2 nights a month, found a day time job working once a week. At the end of May I found out he was having an affair. Mid June He moved out on his own and has not returned.

We have been going to marriage councelling since March, and having recently changed councellors at his request. He still sees this "women" and continues to state that he doesn't know what to do. She has recently gotten divorce, in the time they have been seeing each other. and has 3 children from 2 different fathers. He does have a lot of emotional issues left over from his parents and their divorce. I love him terribly, and he has stated he still loves me. Parts of me believe that he doesn't know how to end it with her. He recently agreed for our councellor to ask her to leave him alone for 90 days. The councellors keep telling me to hold on, he will come out of it. I'm tryingbut its hard knowing she is still in the picture. If he would just come home and try, and see the changes that have been made in our life, especially since I no longer work nights, and don't have to stay awake for 40hrs at a time. Need advice!

Kathy,

Is he living with OW?

I take it your counseler asked that you go "dark" (no contact) with him for 90 days, correct?

He is a fence-sitting cake eater. He has both you and OW supplying him with his ENs (emotional needs). And he LIKES this arrangement!! So he is not going to be the one to change the sitch.

You will have to give him a good shake to knock him off the fence, either one side or the other. I am not sure this 90 day thing is going to do it.

Because there is the time limit on this he sees he at least has 90 days to play!!

IMHO

k

the councellor asked the ow to go without contact, no he is living on his own, 6 month lease 1 bedroom with nothing

First thing I would do his suggest that he use protection. That way Ms. Sleaze won't have 4 children from 3 fathers.

Then check out Plan A here. If you feel you have done a good Plan A already, check out Plan B.

three quick points if I may....

1. Sorry that this is happening to you.....this situation reeks.....a total blindside to you. I can only begin to imagine your current devestation.

2. I have to ask you quite bluntly why you are wasting your hard earned money on marriage counseling with this man who is still actively in an affair? It is a collosal waste of everyone's time and money AT THIS POINT. That slot you are taking up could better be served by the therapist with a couple he\she can help (i.e BOTH wife and H want to reconcile and put 100% effort into it). Donate the money instead to the Katrina fund, or my favorite..the make a wsih foundation, that way at least someone can get some benefit. You cannot recover a marriage by counseling while he cheats...IT CANNOT BE DONE !!! Even a simpleton like me knows that.

3. You are an RN I see, so I assume you are highly intelligent and caring (the best people that I have ever known in my life have been nurses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), please take extreme precautions with SEX ( As in don't have any untill he has been abstinent and a FULL batery of STD testing has been obtained) with your cheating husband. People here like to often say "be careful" or "assume" that you know the risks, etc...and "poo poo" the warning that I will harp on like a nagging grandma........but all you have to do is ask the 40,000 people that acquired HIV last year...I am sure they knew the risks also. I may of course be causing you fear if in fact you are having Sexual relations with him NOW (no doubt with the hope of reconciling, ater all he is your husband)...sorry...but this has to be said...Unlike others here...I cannot "assume" you know...even if you are in healthcare.

You will no doubt get excellent advice and guidance, but at the same time, you have to realize that "choices" you make now can have serious consequences down the road...If you are fully aware of all this, please feel free to pass it by, I am sure at least one other person can beneift.

Goodluck

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />