Hi guys,

It has been a while since I have posted. I hope you are all well.

I am kind of at a crossroads these days and not sure which way to go.

I get laid off from work in a couple of weeks and I will have to move out for a few months until spring.( I live at my job).

My husband has been living at our house nearby since last summer.

We have arranged that I will move in there with him, but I am having misgivings...

He is still involved with ow to some degree, but says he is going no contact with her in a few days. He has broken it off a few times, but started up again. He says this time is for keeps.

I made it clear that I won't live with him if he is still in contact with her, and that if that is the case, one of us will have to find somewhere else to live.

He has some other things in his life that he needs to clean up, (which he is doing) and we have talked a bit about the other issues- the physical abuse etc.

We have had some very bad scenes over the past few years that this affair has gone on. Sometimes I think I have been banging my head against the wall for nothing and that I should have just let him go and let it play out.


I am willing to forgive, but I don't know if we are ready to live together, or if we ever will...


I have other options- to rent a place- or there are friends I can stay with.

On the other hand, if I do move back home and things get bad, I can come back here anytime, to be safe- or just to give us breathing room.


Any thoughts?

Thoughts?

Yes, I have plenty...but I am sure they would not be construed as being pro "marriage building" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Think back to when you were a little girl...can you ever imagine living the life you are now?

Can you ever imagine your own daughter asking you what she should do if she was in your shoes?

Think about those things.

I am sorry for your predicament...but if you go and move back in with your WH, you can't say you didn't know what you were buying. In this case, you do indeed get what you pay for?

Goodluck,

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If he hasn't finished his A, why would you even consider it? tt

Yes. Agreed.

So what is the sensible 'marriage building' alternative?

Do we remain separated? I wonder if this is our chance to start over 'right'...

(Two years ago I remember saying that before I would ever live with him again I would insist that we do the Marriage prepare/enrich course first.

This may be our only chance to get it right.

I haven't given up entirely.

IC for him, MC for you both, dating first to see if you can reconnect. Maybe it is your chance but there are so many wishy washy recoveries because both partners don't put the effort into their renewed relationship.

Still, I'm a fine one to give advice cos we separated and are now headed for divorce. TT

Schul,

1. You should not move in until your H has established NC with OP that proves to you he means to go NC completely and foever and has made that clear to the OP.

2. You should also not move back in until you have agreed on a recovery plan, for example the MB enrichment program, IC for his abusive issues, MC with the Harleys, etc.

3. You should not move in until your H has convinced you that he will be making you and your marriage his nr. 1 priority and is willing to give 200%.

Don't sell yourself cheap.

Shul..

you have stood at this same crossroad in my opinion for years....

for he has had continued contact with his OW for years....

you have defined the marraige as something
"different" than other marriages...

you have excused and rationalized over and over again his choice to have the OP in his life...

again and again I have given you my advice which remains the same...
the lessons he stands to teach your daughter on the ways to treat a spouse is dangerous....

my advice..
that he goes no contact and he becomes 100% vested in your daughters life
that he proves his capability to be truthful through her first consistantly for a good six months to a year...
then you move slowly in to letting him into YOUR universe...

He is still involved with ow to some degree, but says he is going no contact with her in a few days

persons who value and understand the need for no contact with OP's for everyones safety and sanity involved...
his, the OP's, yours, and the daughter...don't PLAN no contact in a few days...

they do it...
now
this second..
not some nebulous plan of closure.....in a few days...

SHUL when will you reach your true self of knowing what is intolerable without doubt.....

what is stopping you from believing enough in yourself...regardless and inspite of ANY life experience HE has had or not had..............

you excuse him over and over..

and his choice remains consistant...
to disrespect his wife and daughter....

I suggest a serious change in attitude and lattitude on your part...

ark

How can you get anything right if he is still in an affair? This is not the "marriage-at-all-costs" program, Shul. Your H has made no indication that he wants to work on the marriage, he is just saying you can come flop at the house for a few months. How could you find hope in that?

You are right.
Thankyou all.

Hi all,

In reading back, I realise that there is alot of stuff that I have left out in my posts, so what you see is not the whole picture.

I see positive things happening.

He and I have gradually been growing closer in the past few months. Somewhere in the midst of these meltdowns, we are making progress. We finish the fights now, whereas before we never resolved things.

We have a long history of our arguments becoming violent, as some of you know.

And now we have many more issues to resolve, not only the affair related issues, (which are pretty intense) but the things from the past twenty years- so the potential for violence is greater.

We can't resolve everything in a few weeks, but we have finally agreed on a way to resolve them without it becoming violent.

It is working.

This is huge for us.


He has been spending time with our daughter, talking to her or seeing her most days. They seem to be working it out. He has sat down with her and said how sorry he is for not being around, for hurting her- and how important she is to him.

(There has been no involvement with ow's kids for a long time.)

They are getting along and she is happy . She is okay with moving home.


He has some unfinished business dealings with the serpent that he needs to finish before he goes no contact.

I am in agreement.

Until this business is out of the way- which will be cleared up in a few days- she is in a position to harm us, and we both know from past experience that she can turn very nasty.

He sees now that he is just the lastest in a long line of men that she has used over the past several years. He told me that over time, as he has gotten to know her, his opinion of her has changed for the worst.

He doesn't like her anymore.

He is also tired of not having peace of mind, and of the lies and complications in general.

It is hard work to have an affair, and in the end not worth the trouble.

I had no one to expose to, and I didn't issue any ultimatums, but in this case I think it worked in spite of me, because while he was able to continue to 'cake eat' at an alarming rate and for a long time- he got chronic indigestion.


He has read the 'quick start' post on this site, and knows , at least partly, what needs to happen to make this work.


There have been changes in me.

I stopped backing down from conflict. (After all, what more did I have to lose? )

I started taking a risk, and telling him what I really feel-the good and the bad. I stopped acting out of fear , and started speaking out honestly in love.



Something happened last night that showed me that we are going to be okay...

I have been bothered lately by a particular issue, so I confronted him about it.


( Fro 20 years he has led a kind of separate life- time spent with friends that he never introduced to me. What made it worse was that he introduced the ow to them.)

We talked it out and resolved it. We dealt with the present and the past and the future.



(One thing that he said that may help someone else reading, is that when we have an emotionally sensitive issue to talk about- tell him what it is, but allow him time to reflect about it.

I have had days or weeks to think about it, but he needs time too.Otherwise he feels like he is on the spot and gets defensive.)


What I see happening, is repentance, forgiveness and the start of healing.


Shul