Something I did, or something I am, is the reason why the WS had the A. Therefore, if I can change, then the WS will end the A or won't have another one.
Cherished

I've tried to make this point before on a thread.

This is where the BS has to step back and allow the WS to completely own, take responsibility for, hold themselves accountable for all their choices and actions.

The BS will hinder the process if they are allowing themselves to carry this burden.

Trust that your WS can take on all this responsibility. Stop coddling them, allow them to step up, probably for the first time in most of their lives and say, I did this, all my choice, by myself, I screwed up, now let me redeem or fail from here.

It is very important for the WS, to hold themselves accountable for their actions in order for them to discover their character flaws which led them to the A and heal.

If the BS is holding themselves responsible that allows the WS to justify.

Cherished:

I don't know your sitch but I think that your comments reflect how all of us BS's felt at one time. It is easy to place the blame on ourselves. This is partly because an A does not make any sense to a committed marriage. When you read the fog that the WS goes through even after exposure, it is easy to see that they are not even a real person. There is no logical in the illogical and no rationalizations are good enough to justify the irrational.

As a BS, you will go through several stages in your recovery regardless of which direction your marriage is going. We all could have done things differently that MAY have affected our spouses poor choices. BUT, they made the choice and they own the A 100%. They have to suffer whatever consequences that there may be as a result of their choices. Your choice at this point is to decide whether your M is worth salvaging and can you accept what happened and move on if your WS will make a new committment. You did not have a choice in whether or not your WS chose to have an A. Consequently, you should harbor no guilt towards yourself for his/her actions.

I know this is easier said than done. I was at the same spot just a few weeks ago. Since my FWW happened a long time before discovery, we have probably been able to move along in recovery faster than most. I didn't have to deal with the fog at the same time I was trying to start a recovery. We are all changed after the A happens. If the change is only on your part, then you should question if you want to stay M. You will bear the brunt of the reconciliation process on the front end but if successful, you will not only affair proof your M but will be much happier than you ever were before. You and your WS can get past this but it will take more work from both of you than you can ever imagine.

The A has to stop before you can work on your M. Read the site regarding Plan A and later Plan B. Tell your WS that you refuse to be a part of a love triangle and although you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your M, he must immediately agree to NC with the OP. Print off radical honesty from this site and you should both read it. I believe for a recovery to be successful, it is just as important for both WS and BS to stick to radical honesty as it is to meet each others EN. Do the EN questionaire and discuss together. Found out what additional EN you could meet for him and him for you and work them into your Plan A.

The last thing is the hardest thing for most but the vets will tell you is critical to stop the A. Expose, Expose, Expose. The A lives on a fantasy that is surrounded by secrecy. Exposure takes away the heart of the A which is that secrecy. Anything that you can do to disrupt their fantasy is a step towards reconciliation with your WS.

Stay coming to this site. Ask questions about what you should do before you do them. Many have been in the same spot and can not only guide you to your next step but help you interpret what has happened. I tend to be pretty logical and analytical. When D-Day happened, I remembered everything that had happened and after reading this site, it seems like that the cheating spouse reads directly out of a handbook on what to say, do, feel, etc. It didn't make any sense to me at all. It wasn't until I subscribed to the abducted by aliens theory and realized that during the time of the A, my wife was someone else...literally, they have to try and be two people in order the the A to stay alive. It doesn't make any sense and they say the craziest things and risk the things that are most important to them, but as I said...there is no logic in the illogical.

Good luck. Expose. Plan A. Push for NC.

....but I will always live in the fear that I might slip again FORCING my WS to have another affair, and in pathetic gratitude that WS deigns it fit to live withme and offer me crumbs.

When you say this, it leads me to believe you are a troll here yanking our chains.

Surely you do not believe this.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

There is NO EXCUSE for an affair. There is nothing the BS could do that would justify an affair.

Susan

I can see all the stuff that led to this mess, but heck no it does not justify what has been done! mlhb

Susan..
I believe cherished is referring to the confusion that BS fall in to when they 'really' believe such things on a certain level...

she is addressing the confusion and I don't think believes that for one second....

atleast that's what I think...

ARK

whew...I hope so Ark!

Scared me for a minute there!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Something the WS did or something the WS is is the reason why the WS has an A.

Cherished, your statement whether you truly believe it or were just posting it to see what kind of response you would get, is completely backwards.

The WS is responsible for his/her own actions.
The BS is responsible for his/her own actions.

YOU cannot take responsibility for someone elses actions.

YOU are responsible for YOUR behaviour and YOUR actions.

Saying that because of your behaviour or actions your H had an A is, IMHO, wrong.

We all make our own decisions. As a W or H we have an opinion on the decisions that our S makes.....but we have no control over the action itself. The opinion may or may not matter.

NOBODY forced my H to have an A. Nobody forced me to have an EA.

My EA had nothing to do with my H. It was all about me.
It wasn't about how bad of an H my H was.

It was about the way I felt about myself.

It's been 6 1/2 years since my EA and I still learn from it to this day. Learn things about msyelf because of it.

I CHOSE to have an EA because I wasn't allowing my H to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. I CHOSE to search for someone that would. It's not like I was actually searching for someone to do this for me....more like watning somone to talk to about it....and of course it led to more. I didn't think my H was capable of it, so I never gave him the chance to do it. I never asked him to treat me that certain way either. SO....he was screwed both ways. He can't read my mind. It wasn't his fault at all. I realized that if I wanted my H to treat me a certain way that I had to speak up because he wasn't going to attain mystical powers overnight and learn to read my mind.

Can't put the blame on someone for something they don't even know about.

I could have CHOSEN to tell my H about the way I felt. But I didn't. I should have.

My H's A was different. It was about the way I wasn't treating him and he let me know about it. The problem was, was that I was comfortable with where I was and made no move to change anything. I take full responsibility for that.

I don't take any responsibility for him CHOOSING to have an A. There were other roads he could have chosen. Divorce being one of them.

We are both at fault for making bad decisions. We both take FULL responsibility for our OWN actions.

Neither one of us was looking for an A when we had them. Most people that end up as a WS aren't...but there is a choice. It doesn't just happen. You either ride the tide and CHOOSE to enter into an A or you back up and see it for what it is and CHOOSE not to do it.

Nobody MAKES you do it.

Miss Priss,
I know because I have been attracted to three men during my marriage. I backed away when I realized where it could head, just based on my feelings. My H continued seeing this woman, even telling me that she was saying she felt "passion" for him. I found myself responsible for trying to stop it, only I was not to call her husband.

One year, one broken arm, and four traumatized children later, I called the husband, he got the truth out of his wife and told me, and only then did my husband decide to end it. He told me later he figured he didn't have the strength to stop it unless I called the husband.

Fog, fog, fog...I took responsibility for a broken arm but wasn't taking responsibility for an affair.

Even if an affair is exposed, it doesn't mean that it will stop.

Our recovery has been going badly. During the affair, I was called "uncommitted." Then I was called unforgiving. Now he's moved on to calling me untrusting.

One of these days, he might figure out he's 100% to blame for his thoughtless behavior towards me. The only way I can help is to be 100% clear, at least to myself, that I hold 0% responsibility for the affair -- even though I didn't call the husband at his request -- and 0% responsible for a broken arm -- even though he was pleading with me not to call this woman.

Cherished

I think you have every reason to not trust him... so his saying you are untrusting is true. Is it a crime to be untrusting, no. Can you trust him right away no. He has to prove himself trustworthy. Can he do that??

You're getting better Cherished.

Love, Lady

This isn't The BS Fog,it's just BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

O

Yep, and I took the blame every time.
Cherished

You know better now,right cherished! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

These boots were made for walkin'......

Post deleted by Cherished

That is,after you've set clear boundaries and stay firm in them.The you can turn away.Sounds like your H is missing a fundamental piece of the puzzle which is: respect for another person.Tom has to realize that you do have a right to positive things in your life.It isn't all about him right? Demands are different than needs or requirements.There's no disprespect(usually) like there is in a demand.

Yeah,another DDay anniversary of the kind I don't appreciate although my actual Wedding anniversary is this month too.It would have been 15 years.I didn't think I would be getting D'd at this time in my life.I guess God has something bigger in store for me.I've trusted in that view all along.

Hang in there~

{{Cherished}}