That's good advice, Lexxy. Easier said than done. Especially when there are no "teachers" to teach that. It's not like a switch I can turn on and off and bam I'm this great person who can lead her kids. The only way to lead them is to get mom's stuff straight. That's what I'm trying to figure out how to do. I know for some of you reading this you aren't like that and you had a family who raised you with morals and self-esteem, etc. So it's easy for you to say all this. There are a few of us on this site that did not have that luxury. And again, I am NOT blaming my family for my choices. However, that's not to say they didn't greatly influence my life. Thanks for your post.

Who exactly do you have in mind for a replacement?
Why do you think its so easy for your XH to simply replace you? Most healthy people would wait a period of time after a relationship ends to find a new partner. That means your kids are motherless for a few years and thats better???

Why can't you just stop?
Why are you entitled to bad behavior?

By the way, I am not telling you that you must work on your marriage, I would strongly suggest that you end the affair.
Perhaps you should consider being alone until you are healthy.

Is no relationship at all something you could handle?
You don't HAVE to have a man in your life.

can you stop all the reasons and focus on tasks...

number one priority in a goal that serves YOU the best...
which then has the trickle down effect of serving
your husband
children
and even the OM

number one action...

1. go no contact with the OM...

are you willing to start...cause no matter what...
you have to start somewhere.....

and no one NO ONE says it's easy...
but its better than the limbo of [email]HE@@[/email] you are living in now....

you break off with OM...

are you willing or not....

ARK

Ah, change the question on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was saying which was worst, physical or emotional abandonment.

Would I have wanted my mother to stay with my father, absolutely NOT. He was abusive to the point of almost killing her. I would not recommend anyone to remain in a marriage where the other spouse is violent and abusive.

My mother married a second time, temporary role model. You know what? Brother was born, he was out of there and he never ever considered me again. He never asked about me, never mentioned me, never send me a card, never sent a gift. My father who happened to just show up when I was 10, drunk, at least brought my brother and myself a gift. I have always longed for some type of relationship with my father. I never even knew my father's family until just 2 years ago. At least now I have some peace that I have met a few of them.

It's the luck of the draw.....actually it's the dysfunction not allowing good choices. My mother did not make good choices. She married at 19 to my dad who was 29 after 6 months of dating and not even really knowing who he was. She married the second time because she was pregnant.

You can quickly gain healthy habits. You can get them quicker than you think. It's just a matter of realizing the ones you know are wrong and changing them. It's where the counseling comes in to help. I have learned some communication habits that I never had before. I have opened up to my children like I never have before. It is a matter of looking at your life and seeing things differently. You have to shake yourself a little, but it can be done.

Because Lexxy, it is not a switch I can turn on and off. I know that's hard for you to understand but that's the way it is. I know that people will say "oh that's just an excuse just stop doing it". Ok. Here's my way of looking at this. With all fruit you have a root with the tree. If you get rid of the fruit the root is still there and will continue to grow unless you get rid of it. You get rid of the root and then the fruit will go away. I.e. You can stop the behavior but unless you figure out what's driving that behavior and get rid of that you're doomed to repeat the same pattern of behavior. If you eliminate the cause the symptom will disappear. As it is with just about any "disease" and/or addiction. I am not saying that I'm entitled to bad behavior I am simply saying that I need to fix what's wrong and until I do I feel like someone else might be able to come in and be a good role model for the kids. I can concede that maybe that's not the best choice. However, I don't know what other option there is at this time. Thank you for your post.

Ask Me

I'm sorry that you had a rough childhood. That's sad. I knew my father somewhat before he died. He died of Aids and was gender confused (politially correct way of saying he wanted a sex change operation). Anyway, he was not a good role model for me. My mother was not either. I guess I think that maybe my life would've been different had I been raised by someone else. Adopted. I can empathize with you about your upbringing. How did you find a good counselor? All the ones that I've been to just sort of said what my problems were and then when I indulged in destructive behavior never called me on it just sort of let it go. I don't like female counselors because I don't trust them. I feel more at ease with male counselors. Most of the counselors I have had were female. I think that I will go to some more SAA meetings like you stated. I also think IC would be good for me if I could find the right counselor. Meds? Hmmmm I don't know. I don't like the side effects but maybe as long as I didn't have to stay on them forever I could manage them.

Lexxy, yes, I have thought about being alone until I am healthy. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see where that's going to help him especially with my two sons. He says that he could give me my own room in the new house he bought and let me work on my stuff as long as I was physically in the house with the boys. As far as the OM I'm starting to get annoyed with him and the days with hin are numbered. Besides, he doesn't live anywhere near where I do he lives in another state and it would be easy to break off with him and not bother with him anymore. So, to answer your question then yes, I would be willing to get rid of him but the problem is ok...I get rid of him....I still have these issues and if I don't fix what's wrong then I'm going to get right back to the same pattern only with someone else. If I eliminate the "root" of the problem then it will be easy to eliminate the "fruit" I.E. eliminate the problems that lead me to OM then eliminate need to have OM then everyone is happy (husband, children, family, etc.)

The thing about childhood is you never know what it's like until you get older. Even my brother didn't understand until we had a talk a couple of years ago. He and I had been somewhat distant because of misunderstandings brought about by my mother. When we talked he said, "I didn't know all that." And I said, "How could you, you were 5 years younger. I was the older brother, remember." For instance I worked 2 jobs and went to high school. On my one day off from work a week I took him to piano lessons because my mother made me. I sat in the car 45 minutes waiting on him. He said he remembered me resenting that and it made him mad. When I told him why, that it was my only day off and that I had to give up piano lessons to work and mom paid for his then he suddenly understood why I resented it. Oh, by the way, he was the favorite child. I was the reminder of the abusive husband, he was the reminder of the husband she so desparately wanted, but who left her when he born.

These are the kinds of things I had to go through and inventory. It's one reason I talked to my brother. I realized he probably didn't even know what I had been through and I was making a lot of assumptions. Once we talked I felt better, relieved and now while we still don't have a perfect relationship, we can talk and not feel strained.

I was blessed to find my counselor. I have to say God had his hand in finding him. I had searched on the internet several times knowing I had a problem and his name kept coming up. I had done that for over a year. Then when my event took place and I went to my church for help they gave me 3 names for counselors and his was one of the names of the list. I knew his was probably the one I needed to see. He is a Christian counselor specifically trained in sexual addiction. He is nationally certified and also nationally recognized as an authority on the topic. I could not have gotten a better counselor who was able to help me and also able to work with my wife at the same time.

I know the meds are not always a good thing depending on which ones you are on. It took me over a year to work with my psychiatrist to finally find the right combination of medications that help me and do not have any side effects. Again, patience is a key factor and working with the right doctors.

There is a very intense week long sex addiction workshop my counselor participates in at Nashville called the Bethesda Workshops. You can read about it at www.bethesdaworkshops.org

The workshops are open to men and women. They have great results and in a week you can get a lot of the counseling it took me 6 months to get. It's that intense and that good.

Edited . . .

My story just seemed to get it the way so I removed it.



Kitten,

Please don't abandon you kids. Leave the marriage if you must, but don't check-out of motherhood.

Askme-
I'm glad you and your brother can at least talk to each other. I'm an only child and my family refuses to believe they did anything wrong or continue to do anything wrong. I thank you for that website. I will look into that. I guess I will have to pray about the counselor. I have not had much luck with them. Thanks for all your help.

Thank you Comfort. I can relate to your story. Thanks for sharing and the advice.

If you have questions about the website after looking at it just ask.

Thanks AskMe

Well Miss SC,

I'm really sorry to see that you have ignored ALL advice given to you except for the stuff that meets your agenda. You, you, you. You just blow off everything people have to say to you. You should NOT see a counselor. That will never work for you. You have been abused and you are an abuser.

If you do not know how to connect with people, then find a workshop that will help you learn how to communicate.

There are a million things you can do to change your life, but you choose no options - telling everyone that it is easier said than done. That is complete bullsh**.

You are no better than your parents. I feel terrible for the children that you brought into this world because you feel no responsibility for. Walking away from them is not "doing them a favor". It will bring years of problems for them, but hey, you only think about yourself. Do the world a favor and get your tubes tied. You have no business reproducing when you take no responsibilities for the upbringing of your children. Don't spew your crap about not being able to. You can do anything you set your mind to. Which in your case is only making sure that you are taken care of.

Also, you sure have been married a lot for someone who doesn't believe in marriage. You are a walking contradiction.

Do you know where you belong? Go to gloryb.com. It is filled with adulterers and OP like you.

sckittenpumpkin~

[color:"blue"]I hope that you don't mind my jumping in here on your thread...Please know that I do so only out of kindness and concern and not with judgement...

That being said, your above statement really concerns me because you genuinely seem to want to fix your problems, but you really must understand that your promiscuity, past and present, [color:"black"]is[/color] a [color:"black"]symptom[/color] of your bipolar disorder...symptoms do not disappear without treatment...

Allow me to give you an idea of where I'm coming from...My father has Bipolar Disorder...he began cycling when he was 35 years of age, (I was 10 years old, I'm 36 now) he has continued to cycle into mania every two to three years, however, the last manic cycles have been less than a year apart-the older the Bipolar gets, the closer together the cycles become and many times the episodes are more severe...he is now 60 years old...if he had a computer, I would urge him to post to you...He only began to take medication in the summer of 2004, and that was due to my mom divorcing him after 40 years of marriage...even under court order he refused until then...I can't begin to put into words the pain and anguish that he has caused himself, my mom and my brother and I...the horror stories that I could tell you are countless...If you'd like, I would be glad to outline all of the things that have befallen my father (and our family) as a direct result of his untreated Bipolar Disorder...just ask...

I know that the side effects of the meds can be terrible, but the result of a life lived without them for a bipolar and those around them is far worse than the effects of any meds could ever be. There are so many different meds now that your doctor can definitely help you find one that suits you...I know it's not easy...it's a trial and error process, but the end results would most certainly justify the means to you, I SWEAR THAT THIS IS TRUE...I wish that I could show you a crystal ball of your future with and without meds...if I could, I guarantee you that you would sprint to your doctor's office and beg him for a script...YESTERDAY. My father takes Depakote and a couple of other things, and I can assure you that he is much better for it...he would agree, FINALLY...

Would you mind telling me what meds that you have taken in the past and what the side effects were?

I want to tell you that I think that people affected with Bipolar Disorder are some of the most talented, intelligent, likable, successful and engaging people on this planet...I'm sure that that is true of you also. I urge you to get all that you can out of your life by taking control of what I know is one of the most maddening and debilitating conditions...you, and only you, have the power to do this sckittenpumpkin! I'll be your biggest cheerleader...[/color]

Mrs. Wondering

And please tell me how this is helpful? This is more of the "guilt trip" crap I've been talking about. This is more of the "you're a piece of crap" talk. If you don't have anything constructive to say please do not say it. Thank you for your post.

I understand that there are angry jilted spouses on this site that would love to tell me what a piece of crap I am and that they feel sorry for my kids and husband, etc. If you are one of those spouses please do not post. I do not need to be abused anymore. Is your rationale that because I abuse myself and others that I deserve that kind of treatment? I don't see how this is helpful. I would also like to point out that I came on here to find some answers and advice not judgements and certainly not abusive treatment. Look, I've been hurt enough and so has everyone around me. I'm looking for answers. I'm sorry you don't understand where I'm coming from but I really don't need the "I'm a piece of crap" and "guilt trip" stuff. So if you are one of those persons please refrain from posting. You're entitled to your opinion and feelings but that doesn't mean you have to be so nasty. Thank you.

sckittenpumpkin...

Did you miss my post to you above? No judgement, just care and concern...would you mind answering my question regarding meds? Thanks!

Mrs. Wondering

Wonderings-

Risperdal, Topamax, Welbutrin, Lexapro and something else I can't remember what it's called but it's a well known drug. The side effects were sexual, dizziness and some kind of allergic reaction to one of the meds. I also took some kind of cold medicine once and it had alcohol in it which a lot of cold stuff does and I got sick. I understand your point about the bi-polar but I believe that there's something else I could take without the side effects. It's herbal some people that I know were telling me about it.