sck...
I finally had a chance to read all this and I would like to comment on one thing...
You said that 'it is easier said than done' with respect to changing your actions...

I agree. It is very hard to change. I have been working on myself as well and find it very difficult. But I am determined to change...I just don't like some of my behavior and after years of living with it I want a change. I admit that I actually thought I was right in feeling and acting the way I did because of my relationship with my parents and their treatment of me. Now, I realized that I brought a lot of the disfanction from my family - some of which I did not even realize - into my marriage and that I don't want that anymore. Now, I am looking at my behavior and changing what I want to change....

So, the first step is to want a change and believe in being capable of changing.... Doing it is the hard work as you said...

So, how to go about it? Well, I try to focus on what it is that I want to change and try to change. I fail, many times. It is not like you can turn a switch on and off. NO. But I have noticed small changes. Now, I recognize my bad pattern. So, even if I do something that I am not happy with, I realize I just did something I don't like. In the past I would not even have accknowledge it to myself. It is small progress but it is progress. The fact is that changing is very difficult! We need to work on it very hard all the time. And it can only happen in small steps....I am having a hard time getting my point across, so sorry about that...but I guess what i am trying to get at is that to change you need to keep focusing on that and really wanting it. If you don't want it, you cannot change. I think you want to change. So, given that, finding a good counsler would be helpful to you...and then it is just work and work and focusing on the bad behaviour that is really so deep, trying to change it and fighting against the urge to do what you always do! It is a fight and it is hard....

I don't know how else to say it...I'll think on it.

Best,
Daisy

I have read that taking Omega 3 fish oil ( Ezskimo 3 is a good one) is helpful for people with BiPolar disorder/manic depression. Look up 5-HTP too.

I'm sorry that telling you how hurtful your actions are is percieved by you as abuse.

I encourage you to put away your pain and hurt for a moment and really read what most folks are telling you. May I summarize:

1. Affairs are hurtful, they hurt you and they hurt the one you promised to love forever.
2. You always have a choice, while you may be labeled for a short time by your past actions, you still have the chance to write a new future. So even if you have made mistakes in the past, you don't need to keep making those mistakes.
3. The first step to change is admitting that you did things wrong. Shifting blame is simply a waste of energy and does little to help you change yourself.
4. Change will not be easy, you have to rebuild trust. I believe in your case, you even need to rebuild trusting yourself. When you say your H would be better off without you, that screams to me that you don't trust yourself.

My suggestion, start small, say to yourself, I will not contact OM in the next 24 hours, and if I'm successful, I'll have some chocolate.

Keep extending the time frame and eventually learn to do it without the positive reinforcement.

Find one thing you can trust yourself with and work on that. Then, as you find success, add more things.

When you fail, and you will fail, don't beat yourself up about it. Instead, examine the circumstances that lead up to the failure and see if there are places in that scenario where you could have made different choices.

For example, if you are driving home and seeing a particular restaurant reminds you of OM and so you decide to call him, look at things you can change, such as:

taking a different route
calling someone else, like your husband
think of one of your husbands really great qualities
think of some great way you can meet one of your husband's emotional needs
lock your phone so you can't easily call while driving

You get the idea, this is simply defending against bad habits by learning good ones.

This is simply learning to see situations and people in a different way, including how you see yourself.

The angry, bitter, divorced man of a cheating wife isn't saying you are a horrible person. Only you can decide if you are a horrible person or a good person who needs to learn some better ways to cope, to open up, to have real emotional intimacy with your family and probably with yourself.

T

sck,
Confused_ex_husband said it way better than I could!


This is the key! Examining your behavior, acknowledging you failed, finding a solution to the failure and implementing (or seriously attempting) it next time....

A path to change...not easy and definitely not quick...but doable....

Daisy

I appreciate the advice. What I am saying is that when I receive a post like this:

Example:

You ignore all the advice that you have been given...yadda yadda yadda...You only think about yourself....yadda yadda yadda...you belong on CheatersRus website...yadda yadda yadda...I feel sorry for your kids and husband because you continue to abuse them yadda yadda yadda....and all you think about is yourself....yadda yadda yadda....you need to have your tubes tied....yadda yadda yadda.

I don't need for people to beat me up and make judgments on me and put a guilt trip on me and all this other crap. I get that I need help. I get that I need to do something about it. I get that I'm hurting people. I get it ok? Please do not continue to say mean, hurtful things to me. All I'm looking for is CONSTRUCTIVE advice (much like constructive criticism)not the example I put above. Thank you.

Confused Ex Husband:

I don't perceive CONSTRUCTIVE advice abuse. What I do find abusive is the example below:

Well Miss SC,

I'm really sorry to see that you have ignored ALL advice given to you except for the stuff that meets your agenda. You, you, you. You just blow off everything people have to say to you. You should NOT see a counselor. That will never work for you. You have been abused and you are an abuser.

If you do not know how to connect with people, then find a workshop that will help you learn how to communicate.

There are a million things you can do to change your life, but you choose no options - telling everyone that it is easier said than done. That is complete bullsh**.

You are no better than your parents. I feel terrible for the children that you brought into this world because you feel no responsibility for. Walking away from them is not "doing them a favor". It will bring years of problems for them, but hey, you only think about yourself. Do the world a favor and get your tubes tied. You have no business reproducing when you take no responsibilities for the upbringing of your children. Don't spew your crap about not being able to. You can do anything you set your mind to. Which in your case is only making sure that you are taken care of.

Also, you sure have been married a lot for someone who doesn't believe in marriage. You are a walking contradiction.

Do you know where you belong? Go to gloryb.com. It is filled with adulterers and OP like you.

Whatever. You have been very cold and standoffish in every single one of your posts.

I have seen at least 15 great things that people have posted and you can look into. Do you? No. You have brushed off every idea that everyone has given you.

Same thing with your medications. There are way more meds out there than what you posted. Did you try them all? No.

The only thing you have agreed with here is that it is your parents fault.

You keep saying that you are looking for advice. I don't believe it. You are looking for someone to justify your actions.

If I truly believed you wanted help, then I would see a different side to your posts.

Oh and I did give you constructive criticism. I said that you should look into attending a workshop of some sort to learn communication skills, so there wouldn't be such a big disconnect. You missed that part though because you went into the victim role as usual throughout your entire thread. I don't think you really get "it" like you claim. None of your posts are evidence that you do.

This is an example of a CONSTRUCTIVE post:

sck...
I finally had a chance to read all this and I would like to comment on one thing...
You said that 'it is easier said than done' with respect to changing your actions...

I agree. It is very hard to change. I have been working on myself as well and find it very difficult. But I am determined to change...I just don't like some of my behavior and after years of living with it I want a change. I admit that I actually thought I was right in feeling and acting the way I did because of my relationship with my parents and their treatment of me. Now, I realized that I brought a lot of the disfanction from my family - some of which I did not even realize - into my marriage and that I don't want that anymore. Now, I am looking at my behavior and changing what I want to change....

So, the first step is to want a change and believe in being capable of changing.... Doing it is the hard work as you said...

So, how to go about it? Well, I try to focus on what it is that I want to change and try to change. I fail, many times. It is not like you can turn a switch on and off. NO. But I have noticed small changes. Now, I recognize my bad pattern. So, even if I do something that I am not happy with, I realize I just did something I don't like. In the past I would not even have accknowledge it to myself. It is small progress but it is progress. The fact is that changing is very difficult! We need to work on it very hard all the time. And it can only happen in small steps....I am having a hard time getting my point across, so sorry about that...but I guess what i am trying to get at is that to change you need to keep focusing on that and really wanting it. If you don't want it, you cannot change. I think you want to change. So, given that, finding a good counsler would be helpful to you...and then it is just work and work and focusing on the bad behaviour that is really so deep, trying to change it and fighting against the urge to do what you always do! It is a fight and it is hard....

I don't know how else to say it...I'll think on it.

Best,
Daisy

Yet another example of a UNCONSTRUCTIVE ABUSIVE POST:

I'd appreciate you not posting here again. Thank you.

Oh, truth hurts huh?

Well, the only reason she has more posts than me is because she is threadjacking.

Go check out her other posts. Arguing, arguing, arguing with other people.

Open your eyes people - she's got you all fooled.

I am happily married. Shows how much you know.

I will no longer waste my breath on you. People like you are a dime a dozen. Just turn on Jerry Springer.

Me again, I'm home from work. I was looking over the posts. I would not get to absorbed in defending myself, people see things different and have different suggestions.

Medications: Topamax, good mood stabilizer, problem for some people is that is until you get use to it can cause memory loss, and sometimes loss for use of words. Higher doses increase the problem. Lexapro, SSRI, low side effects, good for depression, good for anxiety, increases seratonin. Wellbutrin, not sure why you would go with this one. It affects dopamine and neophephrine, increases lot weight gain, low sexual side effects, helps depression, helps lower smokers cravings, acts as a mild stimulant. Risperdal is for bipolar and helps with mania. Definitely has some side effects.

Someone mentioned Omega 3 oils, I would recommend Dr. Sears OmegaRx Fish Oil, which is a pharmaceutical grade. It can be found at www.zonelabsinc.com Another item is choline, which is a dietary supplement. The one thing to be careful of is you can't take herb that will switch you between mania and depression. HTTP-5, TYROSINE, SAM-E and supplements like those will so such as that.

Your medication list wasn't too extensive, so there is a lot of room for play with the right doctor. The guys at work call me Mr. Pharmacy because I enjoy learning about medicines and their interactions. Or maybe its that I have taken so many of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There is a chance you could find some that don't affect you badly and help. For instance Cymbalta is a new Antidepressant with no sexual side effects and no weight gain. So there are options.

sckittenpumpkin~

[color:"blue"]Be very careful in your use of herbal remedies without being under the care of a psychiatrist...many of them have even greater side effects than do traditional medications...many of them can trigger mania or make it worse in someone who has Bipolar Disorder...for example, my father took something called Serenity that claims to help BPD...guess what, he got manic anyway...There are a gazillion different meds that you can try, but that's the key, you MUST try...

I'm sure that you know that one of the biggest symptoms of BPD is the refusal to accept the diagnosis and treatment...please don't fall prey to that...you say that you want to get to the "root" of your problems...I mean you no disrespect, but Bipolar Disorder IS the Holy Grail that you are searching for...You've found it, now all you have to do is accept it and treat it and be on your way to a happy existence...What if I'm right? Can you really afford to continue searching and hurting yourself and your family?

You mentioned that some of the meds that you took gave you sexual side effects...not taking meds is giving you the worst sexual side effect of all...infidelity/promiscuity...I'm not pointing a finger of judgement your way, I myself am a FWW, who am I to judge? I do, however, have a great deal of life experience with BPD, and I urge you, if not for your own sake, then for the sake of your children, PLEASE seek the help of a psychiatrist...You talk of the dysfunction of your own parents as the cause for your problems today...do you want your children to see you that way? If you remain untreated, you will cause them more damage than you can imagine...I know that that is not the legacy that you wish to pass on to them...act before it is too late...[/color]


Mrs. Wondering

Oh finally! Thank you!

Thanks AskMe. I was wondering were people as nasty as Wifeypoo on here to you? Geez! What crawled up her you-know-what and died? I don't understand why people get so angry at me. It's like I trigger something in them to trash me. Geez!

I understand that you don't like a lot of what people are posting to you. But I hope you will listen to Mrs. Wondering. She is right on.

Please try to get some help for the BP thing once more. You deserve to have a happy life, and your children deserve a happy mom.

Oh my Gosh!!

Well I must have missed the post about BPD. My husband was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. He refused meds, had an affair, basically turned into someone I didn't even recognize. Your self defeating talk finally makes sense! My husband use to say the exact same things you are saying, he felt he couldn't change, couldn't make up for what kind of person he thought he was. He believed he was a terrible father and his children didn't deserve him.....
He would tell me over and over that he just didn't feel right in his own skin.

Finally he went to a psychiatrist.....and got on meds (Depicote). For three months he struggled on the meds while he continually got better and better. He has had no side effects except for an increase in sex drive and tiredness. I am grateful everyday to see my husband feel good about himself and his life.

It took 2-3 years to get him to go see someone. I knew there was something wrong going on but I just thought it was depression....

If you do not treat your BPD, it will get worse.

Just try the meds for at least 3 months....

What do you have to lose?

Rachel

Here is a post I wrote awhile ago to a woman whose husband was diagnosed with BPD as well.


I hope you get the help you need

Rachel

sckittenpumpkin, I saw your question and I don't have the answer to why people react in such a negative way. It's one thing trying to be straight forward and it's another being cruel.

This morning I read a proverb that said the wounds of a friends word you can trust. Sometimes the truth hurts, but a friend presents it in a way that it's meant for good. It might be painful to hear, but a wound will heal and is not fatal. Some people on here want to be friends, while others want to be enemies. Personally I don't understand.