Some of you already know my story. H had affair and lover got pregnant. Do I have a place in that situation anywhere? I'm not sure what to do. I feel selfish if I ask for what I need. The child is completely innocent in all this. He won't tell me how he feels about the OW or the child. Only that he does not have any contact. I have asked him not to go see the child be born. Will he go anyway and lie? Does all this work when there is a child out of the affair? I feel like I'm kidding myself and that the child means it really is over.

Has anyone else's H gotten a lover pregnant or am I the only one?

I shouldn't have to do this.<P>Come on, K, Blues, catnip, Daycare Disaster, others...please chime in here.

Lynn, having been on this board several months, almost a year, I can honestly say that yes, there have been several who's had children with their lovers, you are definately not alone. Did you tell him you need to know this stuff? Did you tell him that the survival of your marriage may depend on him proving his committment to you? I think if your in counselling you should bring up all these questions in a joint session and have the counsellors input in it as well. It is something most counsellors tell the betrayer that they need to surplant your imaginings with reality and let you know something of what is actually going on. It sounds as though he's trying to work things out on his own, and keeping his knowledge within himself is only going to cause rift between you. If a marriage is to succeed then all the information should be on the table for everyone to deal with. I don't know any other way and I'm sure most counsellors would agree with me, mine did! God Bless you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I would love to hear how this turned out for some of you. The baby is due next month and I'm not sure what he is thinking or what he is going to do. I know that believes (based on information he has or hasn't given me) that I believe he is not going to have contact with the OW or the child. How long can that last as the child grows up? Does it last or does it come back to haunt you every time? Please tell me what happened to you if you are in the same situation. Can I really believe that it can be just me and him ever again?

Maybe no one wants to go there. Come on. Are there any guys out there who got their lovers pregnant? Shed some light if you can.

Chicks,<BR>H has always been one to try to work everything out himself. I get anger from him when I try to ask for what I need. Last time I tried, he said that he doesn't need me to be a constant reminder. Sounds horribly selfish, but maybe there are some guys here who can shed some light on what he is feeling.

Come on ladies. I really need your advice if you've been there.

Lynn: Sorry, I just logged on this a.m. Okay, I'm in your situation, however, the child is 8 months old. My H told me (during the pregnancy) that he wouldn't see OW at all, if she needed money, etc. she could call and WE would handle it. Never happened - he lied the whole time. He is a conflict avoider. Lies to me to "protect my feelings". Okay then when she HAD the baby I was the one that got the "vibes" and called around to the hospital and sure enough I found out she was in labor - He didn't know - he said he never went to the hospital - I told him the only way he could go was for me to go! The OW said absolutely not. I did find on my home phone bill where he had called her and paged her during that time and called the hospital, etc. (This was the end of December) However in February we ran into OW and a friend at a restaurant and after we left the "friend" called my H and said "when are you going to come see your f . . . child?" So I figured he had told me the truth on that one. During the last 8 months - I have not wanted my husband to see him (the child is a boy). I have begged him to include me if and when he wanted to see him (we have a 2 yr. old daughter together). He promised me he would. (Honesty is a big thing for me anyway, especially after the affair). Low and behold I find out (he never gives me any information - I have to find out stuff; found out that he had seen her at least. He finally "admitted" he had seen the child with her 4 times (in a vehicle) he says for a total of 30 minutes. This just totally crushed me. The 8 months of us "trying" to get our lives together - he just put me back to ground zero. (and he didn't understand why). He didn't want to "hurt my feelings", he knew "I couldn't handle it".<P>Well, this past Friday he told me that he wanted me and him to see the baby. I was so nervous and so apprehensive- but knew I would have to be big enough to make the step. I did - (I didn't cry like I thought I would), and it actually went okay. At times when I would see him kiss the OC or something I wanted to puke; however, I think for the 1st time I did pretty good. Plus we met OW to give back the OC that evening. (we were as fake as two people could be to each other). This made me feel so much better about "he and I".<P>However, yesterday (Monday) I found out that he lied again. He had told me his mom had talked to OW and volunteered to babysit for her, etc. Actually the OW called my H and he had lied all week saying "he hasn't talked to her". It just made me sick. If you have a H that can be honest - no matter how much it may hurt at the time - it is THE ONLY WAY you can get through this. I use to think - there is no way this can possibly work. Friday made me see things different - I have hated that child (actually just what he represents) but I realized that he is an innocent victim like myself, and my daughter. I know the pain you're in. It eats at you like a cancer and all you want is someone to make it go away. Please ask me any specifics you want and I'll be happy to try to help - since I'm almost 1 yr. ahead of you in this ordeal. <BR><P>------------------<BR>

the ow had her baby boy almost two months ago. we saw him the first time in support court. there will be a dna test done in jan to see if it really is his or her h's. my husband has decided that if it is his he will pay support but will not have any contact with the child. he feels very strongly that the child will have a better life with out the complication of another home. the ow lives with her parents and her dad will be the baby's "father" figure. when she was still pregnant i met her and was going to adopt the baby so she could get back with her husband, but when her h dumped her she decided to keep the baby, hoping to get my h. my h has remained faithful and has not talked to her at all (as far as i know). the worst part is wondering if he has this other life out there. just knowing that there is a woman and a baby out there...it makes me crazy sometimes. he is working his butt off here trying to win my heart so i don't think he wants her.<BR> anyway, the baby is a hard issue. i try to keep him seperate from his mother in my head. i will not accept my husband having any contact with the mother, but am not sure how i would handle it if he wanted contact with the baby. the truth is I want the baby---i just had a miscarriage and i love babies and he is so cute, i don't care who the father is, especially since i know his mother is a lousy mother (in my opinion). as you can see it is all so fresh in my case that i am still sort of messed up. <BR>the point is that you will never be able to live through this if he is not completely honest with you. explain that to him. if he really wants to rebuild your marriage he needs to come clean.<BR> also, the support issue is difficult, in my we are looking at about 17% of his imcome plus half of childcare, not to mention lawyers fees. it really sucks big time. my heart goes out to you and i will pray for you. you can email me at janine@warwick.net, if you would like to.

Lynn: Hi. I'm catnip. I've been away for a couple months and haven't had access to my computer because of an office move. I'm sorry you've had to wait for responses from "us". Yes, unfortunately there is a group of "us". There's Jenny, Audrey, Smith, Nabs, and you've heard from Daycare. I am so sorry you are here, but now that you are we will be here for you and do whatever we can to help you get through the worst possible scenario and outcome of a betrayal.<BR>I am sure you can't believe this has happened to you and you wonder how you'll ever be able to survive it. Our stories are similar to yours. My first post was in May entitled "Pregnant Other Woman". You can still probably open that thread to read it. so much has happened since May, including my flying out to NY to show up unannounced on the OW's doorstep, the birth of her daughter on Aug 20, the rebuilding of my marriage that has been in process since January, but only successfully since June. <BR>My H has committed himself to me and to our marriage. He will not have any contact at all with either the OW or the child-his choice. I am opposed to contact for many reasons too numerous to get into right now, but if you want to e-mail me, I am at kmkofflin@aol.com. I'll be here for you if you need to talk. I can't get into the office everyday to check the e-mail or to respond on MB, but, I will write back as soon as I get in again. <BR>I know what you are going through and my heart aches for you. We know your devastation, your fears and anger. I deal with daily waves of sadness surprising me by coming out of nowhere or from a simple ad on TV or hearing a certain holiday or place mentioned. It's weird. But it does get better. There's even one woman on this board who has rebuilt her marriage to better than ever and involved with the OC herself! She is very evolved...I'm not near where she is but I can offer my perspective and tell you what happened to me. I will try to help if I can. I hope Jenny is out there. She has outstanding advise.

Hi... Im another in this boat...OW and I both were pregnant and had babies in the beginning of this year.... H and I have been separated, and are now considering reconcilliation sooo I also wonder what an OC will bring into the picture, as H thinks he cannot break ALL contact because of his ONLY son...we have 3 girls...<P>Anyway, I am trudging through this too and if I can be of any help, I'll do my best..I just try and take (not one day) one second at a time or my head will burn out <P>Because this has been a long (over 4 year) affair, H is reluctant to end this mess, OW has alot of manipulative tactics, and they work well on him.. <P>Cozy

Thank you all for writing. I can't say I feel better, but I know you didn't expect me to. I'm so afraid that I wonder if I should just get out now. I don't want to go through the lies and contacting the OW and child behind my back. I will kick myself later if I don't leave now and that happens. My H and I are getting ready to finally be together again. We are physically seperated right now because of our job. This happened while we were apart. What I want to see happen is for him to have no contact at all with OW and child for good with no monetary payments to OW. What are the chances of that happening. I have wanted a child since we got married and he always said he's not ready so I waited. Now this. It sounds crazy but the first thing I want to do is get pregnant to replace the OC. I don't even believe that part of me feels that way because I know it doesn't work that way and it's the wrong reason to get pregnant. I'm just so confused and angry. H still won't tell me OW's name because I believe he thinks I will contact her. I have no desire to contact her. What will make me mad and make me want to contact her is if she doesn't take this child and stay out of our lives for good. Ok..I can comprehend that they both know they made a mistake. I will not live with it forever by her trying to ruin the rest of my life. I will leave if I find out he has been contacting her. I'm at the end with this and alot of other stuff that just doesn't make it worth trying anymore.

Hey, hon, I think it is probably best if you don't know whom the OW is. In my situation I was a "friend" with OW and she babysat my child a lot and was sleeping with my H and looking me in the face. That is hard to swallow - because as long as you have a blank face to put in the scenario - it seems to be unreal - but when you know the person (and their habits, dislikes, etc.) it makes it all too like pouring salt in an open wound.<P>I too wanted what you do - no support from H to OW or OC and no contact at all - maybe when he was older - say 18. Then my H and I agreed that we would play it by ear (because I DID NOT want him to see him behind my back and feel like I wouldn't support him). So - since January I thought we were on the same path - however I find out that inadvertently that he has been in contact with her and OC and has seen him on a few occasions and has kept that from me. You don't want that to happen - so, in my opinion, as hard as it is to do - try to be very "open" (even if you're not feeling that way) to whatever he "feels". Perhaps that will leave the door open so that he will TELL you things instead of trying to do what you want and trying to do what HE wants at the same time. This mess just really sucks. I'm having a bad day today - 'cause he would always see OW while I was at work and has seen OC while I'm at work too - so I'm usually a nervous wreck at work. I wonder many times - why do I put myself through this? Sometimes I think "yeah it's worth it", sometimes not. How is your H acting towards you? Is he remorseful? What does he say that "he" wants to do? This is such a HARD situation.<P>------------------<BR>

My H isn't a real good talker. He is sorry for what he did and tells me that he doesn't want any contact. He seems like he wants to move on and when I bring it up he acts like I'm going to always be a constant reminder of what he did because I keep wanting to talk about it. I'm not sure if that is because he want to avoid dealing with it himself or that he wants to keep that part of his life private from me. Sometimes I think that he has put himself through so much because of his remorse that I should let it go(I might try for a while), but I'm afrad that is just me making excuses for him again. This may sound harsh, but if I find out he has been in contact behind my back, I will leave. I just feel like I have to draw the line somewhere and that's it, I think. I don't want to place so many demands on this situation that I drive him to keep secrets. I just want him to know that is the line and that is where I leave for good. Right now, I'm committed to trying to make it work, but we have been physically apart for about 10 months (saw him for 18 days in May)because of our jobs. We are going to be back together in Dec and I just don't know how much time I will give him to prove that he is committed too. If it's not there, I have to leave as soon as possible so I don't get caught back up in the "maybe it will get better" syndrome. That can go on for years and I don't want to look back and regret not having the kind of relationship I need and want. Does this sound completely insane or what? I almost feel that I'm setting myself up to have exactly what I don't want the most happen to me. Maybe I don't have much hope that he will do anything different than before to help our marriage.

Boy is this a hard rock...I have spent the last 48 hours wondering if I can back to Plan A from Plan B with the OW/OC on the sidelines, my mind is constantly switching sides and I've decided today that I won't avoid the conflict ANYMORE<P>OW goes to MIL's to visit and H has been living there....I want to show up OFTEN from now on....If H wants to reconcile he eventually will have to deal with both of us in the same room.....We'll see when the rubber hits the road, WHO will get the man!!<P>Am I in hornery mode today...YES.... I placed a client on the chat that they use, and yes IN THE CHANNEL THEY USE.... I am going to be in their faces...no more giving them space(in plan B) H said he wants me....IM HERE!!!! hehehhee<P>cozy <G>

Lynn,<P>I'm not in your situation exactly (well, I'm a guy first of all), but my wife had an affair and got pregnant, and we're raising this child now (with no interference from the OM). So I'll try to help you out.<P>It seems that you want this to all disappear. Understandable, but it's only going to happen if you divorce your husband. That's the only way that you can guarantee that this won't come back someday. And you don't appear to want to do that.<P>Now, what do you want?<P>1. Husband never contacts OW<BR>2. Husband never contacts OC<BR>3. No financial responsibility for OC<BR>4. A marriage that "works" according to the Four Rules (Protection, Care, Honesty, Time).<P>You need to discuss all of this with your husband, in very clear terms, using the Policy of Joint Agreement. No lovebusters, but complete honesty. Your husband need to understand how important your need for honesty is right now, and he really needs to be completely upfront with you on all his feelings on the issues. Remember, each time that you treat his honest response with a lovebuster, you are encouraging him to lie to you. So you really, truly must reign in the lovebusting behavior during these conversations (ahhh, I remember the days---my wife blamed ME for her being pregnant, but I didn't lovebust... )<P>Realistically, it's very important for you to reach definitive, verifiable agreements on these issues. #1---no contact means no contact. That may be difficult if there's legal stuff going on. You may want to be the point person in any contact (that's what I suggest, your husband should stay out of it). That'll help you build trust between the two of you (it won't be easy dealing with the OW, but it's probably the better scenario). Run that by your husband. He's probably not going to like it, but clearly explain your side, and try to "restate" his objections so that you demonstrate that you understand his side too. Ask him for suggestions on how to resolve the issue. Offer your own suggestions. Listen to one another... these are basic communication and negotiation skills.<P>#2, not seeing OC. If your husband can agree to that, then great!! If he can't, think of compromises that you can live with. For instance, you could pick up OC and bring him/her to your place.<P>#3, you have no control over. Your husband will legally have a financial responsibility to this child. This is up to the OW. If she chooses not to exercise this (like we have done with my wife's OM), then you'll be in good shape. But she can always change her mind. If you can't deal with that, then divorce is your only real option (IMO).<P>#4, you should absolutely be doing marriage counseling to get through this. I really like the phone counseling here (with Steve Harley, 888-639-1639), but if you're more comfortable with office counseling, they can suggest someone local who is familiar with Harley's methods. But please do the marriage counseling---it's almost an absolute requirement for you to get to a marriage that you'll both be very happy in.