Hi Folks,

Well,it's been 2 years as of today.Two years since that fateful day when my world shattered with the knowledge that my dear husband was cheating on me.What an awful,awful time in my life.The worst ever.

So,where am I now in case anyone wants to know? Still trying to get this D through.After being positive about things in the past few months,my STBXWH changes his plans,gets an agressive Lawyer and we have probably the worst possible meeting I could think of having last week,leaving me in tears.Mediation isn't going well.But,we are going to try this once again and try to be more receptive.My beloved home is at stake now and it's heartbreaking.And,my WH has "lost" yet another job(that makes 5 in the past 2 years) putting us in jeopardy.God has given me such strength though,I am still standing!

So,what things have I learned? For anyone new who would like a few "pieces" of advice:

-You are stronger than you realize and you WILL be ok,no matter what.I am awed by how many strong,caring people are here,survivors of the worst imaginable pain a spouse could inflict upon their loved ones.But yet,we carry on.Many to more fufilling and safe lives,free of those that have hurt us.

-Don't believe one word if someone tries to blame you for ANY part of an A.It is 100% the choice of the offending spouse.No "environment,state or marriage atmosphere" WARRANTS this kind of selfish,painful and evil act.I believe that most people don't have any idea what "state" their marriage is in to begin with when it comes to a cheating spouse.They(WS) don't tell you and instead withdraw leaving you to figure it all out,only after the huge wake of destruction occurs.

-Time does help you heal.I don't believe it "heals all wounds" for most of us have the scars to show for our pain but the pain does lessen and you can begin to feel whole again,one day.I remember days when I felt like I had acid poured on me,I was so raw with emotion/pain.I don't feel like that now.It's all transformed into something different,still inside,still remembered,but not as acute.I can walk up the road past the farm without shuffling and feeling dizzy!

-Stick to your plans! One day,you may not ever recover your marriage.Hopefully you will but if not,you want to be able to say you did your best.Dr.Harley's plans are the best I have found after much research being a newly injured wife.If there is a chance to make it,this is the way.And don't listen to counselors who tell you to separate or aren't pro-marriage.They don't know what they are talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

-YOU,are an individual,with hopes,dreams and desires.We came to our marriages as such and we will always be such.Marriage is not a fusing of two into one.We have to stop this perpetuated myth.It's why many people suffer so,IMO,when it comes to problems like this.We rely too heavily on another for our happiness,wellbeing and fulfillment.If you don't nurture your own heart,mind and soul,then you will keep looking for the answers in all the wrong places(and people).It's great to find another who you can *share your life with but it should be complimentary.Not the "soulmate" myth.It's a LIE!

-I've learned there are plenty of people out there who are ammoral,heartless,selfish,liars,cheaters,uncaring,hurtful,opportunists and just plain mean. Stand up for your beliefs! if we all succumb to our selfish desires,what will become of us? What will we teach our children? It's basic right versus wrong here.Feelings can definitely lead you down the wrong path.

-Be aware.Be strong enough to use your mind in the face of adversity,in the face of temptation(does this sound like a sermon?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)Integrity,self worth,honesty,care,values and dignity must be first.Living a life closer to God and holding these ideals close is so fulfilling.To me.That is my starting point in life and what I teach my daughters.

Adultery and Divorce are two abominable crises for anyone to go through,and all the same time.But,I am determined,not to lose my faith and I will hold to my beliefs(and boundaries,as noodle would say)no matter what comes my way.I will not be swayed.

Stay true to yourself~

Thanks for listening.

O

P.S. Sorry for not being on board more these days.I am trying to get my life in order and this D done,once and for all.

O girl,

Thank You!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I spent a very bad weekend, I could barely stop crying to be functional enough! My 1 year d day anniversary is on the 23rd but I've been in plan B for 10 months now, with no contact with WH. The A is still ongoing, they are living together as far as I know.
I decided that I would talk to the lawyer today about divorce but after reading your post and t&l's latest leeson, I am newly convinced that I will follow MB plans for at least the year I had committed myself to doing them.

Your lessons are very valuable.



I find this very interesting, because it is something I have observed too, but not here and that's part of the problem. The group of people who post here are those you describe as
but not everyone out there wants to be like this, rather most people out there probably don't consciously work on these values, and many don't care for them at all!

So it's great to be included in this club, although maybe we sometimes wish we had never had to hear of it.

Thank you, again. I will pray for yo to find peace.

and ... how old are ya?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Happy burpday 'O'

ohhhhhhhh

I am so dumb

it is D-day not B day

oopsie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

well how old are ya anyways??? LOL

10girl,

I always read your posts with a great amount of trepidation, I (not rationally) equate what you are going thru to my eventual path and destination.

So sorry for your pain, so happy to see your strength.

As always, you are in my prayers

cc,

I'm sorry you had a bad weekend.Plan B was a life saver for me.Are you feeling stronger in it? Hope so.I know it's hard.For me,I thrived,more like my old self not being in contact with my WH.Consider that you have done more than many so far.A 10 month plan B is a good stretch.But remember,only YOU can decide what is best.Dr.Harley's plans,and anyone's elses,are guidelines.They are not written in stone and each person is unique.You are not a failure even if you quit tomorrow.This stuff is hard.



I hear you.It's ever harder to find people like this in my life too.But,I can live without them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Those special few who think like we do are a treasure to find and well worth their friendships.


Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Silly, silly Pep. Want to know how old I am? Look down ...LOL

Almost another decade gone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> sheesh. Anybody seen my cane?!


CY,

So good to hear from you.We may be on the same path but our destinations are yet unkown! I consider my impending D a bump in the road of life.No,wait,a major San Andreas earthquake level road upheaving bump! It's strange how I can joke a bit about it now.I must being having one of those "good" days.You,your mom and family are always in my MB prayers too.I hope you are well.

O

O, I don't have any words that I feel can help you. I want you to know that I read your post, and I share your thoughts and feelings. It is so hard to understand how a partner can become so . . . not a partner. In fact, almost an enemy. Hopefully, he will be able to see past the end of his own nose, his own ego, and make some decisions that are best for his girls.

{{{{{{{{{{Octobergirl}}}}}}}}}}

Spidey

O girl,
thanks for your advice.

Plan B was the ONLY choice for me. I couldn't continue living with the disrespect of the A!

But from the very beginning I predicted WH would be slow to react if he ever did. So I was sure this would take a long time.

I'm a scientist and I believe that every human characteristic, be it physical or mental, has a "natural behaviour" that can be described. That's why when I read that affairs don't last, I was convinced that 95% of them would eventually fail. And the timeline for "bad" relationships to fail or "good" relationships to survive seems to be 2 years, which probably means between 18 months and 2 1/2 years.

I'm not sure I'm willing to wait for 2 years but I will try to make it to 1 year. That's what I decided in the beginning.

Yes, plan B is hard. I hope to really detach at some point. I haven't yet.

Hiya {{{Spidey}}}!

Wow,long time.Thanks for reading.It was cathartic for me,as it always is being here.Being amongst those who know what it is I went through.

I've long given up the hope of my WH doing right by anyone.He looks out for his own best interests and I realized that long ago.It's ok.That is who he is now and I don't think about it much.What bother's me most is not getting out from under this D process.I need for it to be over,soon.I felt like I have been under intense stress for 2 years now and I want it to stop.God's strength is pulling me along every day though,I can feel it.

Yeah,I used to wonder how two people who could love eachother so much become enemies and now I know.Very sad indeed.I try not to think about that.

I hope you are doing well!!!

O

cc,

You will detach although I am sure everyone is different to how much.I know I did detach but I liken it to being an alcoholic.I will have to stay away from my WH in order not to fall.I can still feel,some days,that I would be able to easily fall right back into his arms if I let my heart get the best of me.And my mind knows that this would be extemely damaging.I need to be protected so my mind wins out.If I am to ever have a happy life again and meet another man,I must not be in contact.So,I am in NC with my STBXWH,at least phyically and I don't speak to him,only e-mails.It's 100% necessary for me.

You hang in there as long as you can.Most A's do end but by then,you might not want to wait around that long.I knew I felt that I had enough,sooner than the 18 month mark.I cannot personally imagine waiting out that long.I would have been dead,emotionally,spritually and mentally.But that was ME.

You'll be ok.Just keep reminding yourself.You are woman! You are strong!

O

O Girl, you said:



This is SAD BUT TRUE. I guess it's more good than bad. But, I like you, found that this is one of the major lessons I learned from this. It's like the blinders are off of my eyes. If your H can hurt you, anybody can. Now I can see transparently through people and can't believe what I see..
I've been dealing with this this week atwork and called some folks on their crap today...

I'm proud about being able to do this assertively NOW..

I don't NEED for folks to LIKE me...just RESPECT me....

Good for you mimi!

I love people who call other people on their "crap".LOL If we don't tell them who will? I have no trouble speaking my mind and never have.But like you mentioned,it's always been in a respectful but firm way.

More often than not I get the "deer caught in the headlights" look,who would dare tell them that they might be wrong about something or careless? Has it never occurred to them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yes there just might be a better more caring way to get your needs and point across.oy

O

LOL..

I did get the "deer" look..

After I had my say, I was filled with glee as he sat there STUNNED.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />