Kim, When I changed the locks I never said a word to WH about it. I was very worried that he'd blow up at me when he discovered it, but the day came and not a word was said. Nada.

Today, he still has the da[i][/i]mn garage door opener and he holds on to that with dear life. (Yep...wedding band is on his keyring folks...but he will not give up the garage door remote <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )

Your home is your sanctuary and you just can't have it invaded whenever he feels like it. You need a space that is yours alone. No more trying to show WH how well you are taking care of yourself and your child. That time is past.

It's all about YOU now. What do YOU want? What do YOU need? What do YOU feel?

Change the locks. Protect your space so you can be you.

My Nittany Lions did, in JoePa traditional fashion......great game !!!!

Lem

What did he just say?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi Kim,
Before you change the locks, you might want to check with
a lawyer/legal source.
I checked here, as I considered changing the locks after
WH moved out, but was told I couldn't do that unless I had
filed a restraining order against H. (because we are both
the legal owners of the house).
This may be different if you are the sole owner of the house, or in another state, just wanted to mention it.

My H does occassionally come to our house during the day-
to drop off receipts, pick up his mail, visit the dog, or
pick up belongings, but has always told me in advance.

Best wishes to you on your Plan B.
Slammed

IMHO, coming into house allows the WS to meet several ENs including Domestic Support, Family Commitment even Financial Support. They can convince themselves of how much they have accomplished, pat themselves on the back when feeling bad about abandoning the family, convince themselves that the family is still there and OK...

During PLAN A, while we were separated, my FWH would come home and seem like he was "nesting". He would walk into his closet and stare at his clothes (which he never took) and just walk into certain rooms and stare out into space....

During PLAN B, it is important for them to SUFFER...to miss HOME...The OP is "STRUGGLING" to make their "PLACE" like "HOME"...

I asked my FWH, "Did her house ever seem like YOUR HOME?" He emphatically stated, NO, giving me the reasons. She couldn't decorate like ME, cook like ME, didn't know his preferences, etc....Their FANTASY about how WONDERFUL the OP is begins to burst...

I was not able to change the locks though from a legal point of view until I got a LEGAL SEPARATION. I asked for the garage door opener on the day I signed the separation papers. He was so SHOCKED when I followed him to the car to get it.....

PLAN B needs to be DARK, DARK, DARK....

Doors locked... Electricity off.....

Oh Kim, forgot to mention, I too am listed as the sole owner of the house.

Would adding an additional lock that he does not have a key for work? Its added for your protection so you feel safer in your home. A single woman with a small boy...you never know these days...you have to protect yourself. That way too if sometime in the far future (not immediate plan B future) He needs to come a get something you could leave the deadbolt open and he could use his regular keys.

Changing the locks sends a strong message even through fog.

Nice way to put it....exactly the prescription for this case.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Adding deadbolts for my safety is wise. There is already one on the front door and the back deck door that WH has a key to. I would need to purchase one for the back basement door and one for the garage door.

I'd really like to change out the deadbolts that are already existing ---WH would be furious. I think I can do that myself.

I feel defeated right now though. I am going through so many different emotions that I can't seem to keep myself straight.

I am a bit depressed b/c my birthday is tomorrow. I go through stages of hating WH and not wanting him back at all b/c of the pain he has caused me and DS. He hasn't even called our friends yet that I know of to arrange to visit DS.

I feel like just saying it's not worth it. He's not worth it and moving on with my life. I am going to move ahead for me and DS anyway. But I go through stages where I feel like filing and moving down to my parents. Not wasting anymore time.

Then, I tell myself you have got to give it all you can. Otherwise you might regret it down the road. There will be the "what if's". That WH is going to see the light and figure out how wrong this has all been. That he needs me and his family.

I got ticked off today b/c the school had scheduled a meeting with me regarding DS. I got to the school(left work early to be there) and the teacher said that the meeting was cancelled. Didn't my H tell me???

So, already there is a problem here. WH did not get the word to me that a meeting was cancelled. They spoke with WH sometime today at the house I suppose.

My extension at work rang more than normal today. I never picked it up directly so people could just leave messages. I think WH called several times, but never left a message. I am going to have to figure something out with that. I can't keep not answering my extension at work. We don't have caller ID.....

WH doesn't even care. If that's true it is his loss. I am so sad though. I don't feel like I have the energy to deal with locks or to deal with keeping him out of the house.

Kimberly

Lem - Hope that your team didn't beat up too much on my WH's team......

WH just called while I was outside walking the dog. I heard the phone ringing.....I don't have caller ID so I hit the button for caller return & it was WH's work phone #.

I have a feeling he just might show up.

He is either 1 - Calling to "bless me out" for contacting OWH again 2 - wanting to talk to DS or 3 - missing my voice and just calling for something trivial.

Either way, he is not following my Plan B letter as I requested.

I guess he was persistant this way with OW. He just doesn't understand the concept of NC.

What to do??

Kim

Make sure you tell the teachers at your son's school that his Dad has moved out. They can give him a little extra TLC. Make sure they have the numbers where you can be reached directly. The teachers at my kids' school were wonderful and very supportive of the kids, me and the family as a whole. They are use to dealing with all kinds of families. This will also give them a heads up if your DS acts out in school.

I know this year will be a different kind of celebration. But think about it, this is a whole new start for you...standing up for yourself. Celebrate YOU...the new bold you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />Go out with friends. Do something fun. Do not sit at home and look at old birthday presents or cards or pictures. Go get a manicure, massage, waxing, facial something special for yourself. You are sooo worth it!

Go out...don't be there when he shows up.

Kim, I would meet him at the door if he comes by and ask what he needs while you are barring the door. Tell him that you would appreciate that he respect your request for no contact and then quietly shut the door. No "Ilove you's" or hugs or any of that. Just very matter of fact in all your dealings.

I really wish you would get the locks changed. His coming in the house like that during the day is going to wear you down quick and will diminish the effect of Plan B because it prevents him from seeing what life will be like divorced.

He needs to be prevented from getting a home "fix;" he needs to see what it will be like for him DIVORCED. That is the goal. He won't be able to come barging into your safe, secure home when the spirit moves him.

Get his stuff out of the house, in the garage or to his friends house ... just OUT of the house, so he has no reason to come over.

AND change the locks or add dead bolts ... you need to feel safe.

If he kicks down the door, new locks.

and restraining order

If change deadbolts, anyone can do it. This is one of the first things that I learned that I was able to do on my own. They have the locks right there at Lowe's.



This is WITHDRAWAL from him. It gets better with time....

I agree with the other poster about having the perfect opportunity to tell your daycare about your WH. This is more EXPOSURE and will feel freeing for you.

Also, he WILL BE trying to contact you. It does take getting inventive in order to avoid him.

I agree with PEP. If there is stuff there that he really needs, go ahead and place it somewhere that he can get it.

CHANGE THE LOCKS, ASAP...

Melody Lane,
Just a quick thank you for your words...it is like you spoke to me!


Not in plan B, but dealing with same issue....I can see more clearly the consequance of my H's comings and goings as he pleases....

Thanks!
Daisy

Confused - I should have already done that....will e-mail the teacher about it.



Mel -

Here I am dragging my feet on this issue. I know you guys are all right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I will do it.....Soon.......I was even at Home Depot tonight trying to figure out how to fix my commode and looking at paint chips. Should have looked at locks. Picked up some neat colors to look over for painting the bedroom though.

Mimi -



See above note!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />




Good days & bad days ahead, huh??? I miss him terribly even with all the bad things he has done to me.

Kim

Kim,

I see you are having a rough night. I do understand it is hard and lonely. So many emotions from rage to sadness... and everything in between.

This is the withdrawl and it is hard. I thought I'd never stop crying but it does get better as the days go on. I do still have a little cry everyday I won't lie about it. But they are getting shorter and shorter.

I miss my H very much as I know you do but we have to remember this is something we have to do to protect ourselves from this madness.

I still obsess at times about him and what is he doing but its not as bad as it was.

Keep your chin up my friend and stay strong, you can do it....

Hurting

I like that she went to Home Depot. Good job on keeping busy, Kim. I know it's hard, but it does get easier with time.