My husband had a relationship with a 21 year old he is 40. He said no sex, but he thinks he is falling in love with her. I think before it went too far I found out. After 4 months of problems asking my husband to stop, asking her to stop. It seems My husbands affair has end. I am 90% sure. I went to her mother and exposed it. Come to find out she has been a big problem for her mother. Claims of sexual abuse as a child, liying, run away, lets just say her own mother did not speak highly of her.

It seems my husband's head has come out of the fog. Meeting with the pastor of the church, hiring an attorney, telling his best friend, talking to her mother and finding out what kind of girl she is, all seemed to bring him out of the fog.

We are now seperated for 3 weeks now. We are trying to date each other again. I find myself walking on egg shells. He does not want to talk about his feelings. He just wants to have fun. We are going to small study groups at the church together but sometimes I find my self lost for words. What happens next, any help for weeks, months after an affair? Any tips would help! Why does it feel like I am working so hard at this marriage and he had the affair.

"walking on eggshells" .... what is this all about?

Unless there is ACTIVE mutual participation in recovery work ... this may remain the elephant in the room that no one talks about...

myself, I would never tolerate NOT discussing something so important ... I'd stomp on eggshells ... that's just me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello JJohnson,

Welcome to MB.

I think you need to back up and start from the beginning.That is,verify that the A is over(that they really have not had sex too) and have a plan in place for recovery.Being separated makes all that hard and if your WH requested it,then I would be very wary that he isn't continuing the A.Most WS'S(wayward spouses) use this ploy as an excuse to enable their A(affair) and you have 10% of uncertainty to work through.

Also,I agree with HRH Pep that not talking about this major problem is detrimental to the both of you and your marriage.You just cannot solve problems this way.You also need a pro-marriage counselor to work through this.Do not attempt this on your own.You need professional help,make no mistake.

In addition,if your WH(wayward husband) was "in love" with this young girl,then he may just be in withdrawal if the A is really over and won't be too enthused about recovery,not just yet.Reading up on all the concepts here will help guide you along in understanding what happened and how to cope.

Stick around.We can help.

O

I know they have not had sex. Her mother told me she had STD. My husband said he did not have sex so I told him to get tested, he did and no STD. And that freaked him out that she had STD. He is mister neat & clean.

Second were do I find a plan for recovery? When I told his best man about the affiar he got mad and moved out. At the time it seemed to be best if he was not stopping the affair he was out I changed the locks. Now he says it over. He is living in our motor home at the office and I have been very careful to find out when & were he is. I found out about all the other stuff second phone just for him & her, gifts for her, etc. It seems the best thing I did was expose the affair to her family & his friend (best man). But my guard is up I know time will expose the other 10%.

The talking about our problem with my husband seems to be just a little talking every other day or so. How slow should I go? When should we live together again? Should I wait for him to talk about living together or should I bring it up? I like to solve problems and get on with my life. He seems to move slower. He is going to bible study with me twice a week, he seems to reget.

Keep in mind we have been married 16 years. No kids. 2 dogs 1 cat. In business together. See each other during the day. Our business is us. Before this we were best friends. Never fight. Too good of a business and family seemed to pull us apart. How hard do I try? Should I let him make the first move?

Thanks for your help!!!

Hi again,

First I'll just say that if your posts start getting pushed back several pages,bump it up to the beginning.This board is very busy and it helps keep it fresh in the minds of those who are here posting.

Ok.So your H got tested for STD's,that is good.Exposure was also good.I know your WH was mad but they all are when exposed.Like vampires they hate the bright light shining on their devious activity.But now you have to work at getting your marriage back on track and so does he.Living apart though is not the right step.This is why we always want to make sure the A isn't continuing by investigation.A person doesn't have to be having sex to be involved in an A.It can be what's called an EA(emotional affair).It can also be just as damaging.And living apart almost always guarantees a cheating partner room to keep on with the A.

Is the OW phone disposed of? Has your WH agreed to be accountable to his whereabouts and all cell phone records,e-mail passwords,etc? These steps are very necessary to making sure there is NC(no contact).Also a NC letter should be drafted,approved and sent to this OW explaining that your WH will no longer be contacted by her.It is his responsibility to do this if you want to follow our plans here.It's also a measure of him willing to do what it takes to end the A completely and work on the marriage.This OW has to know without a doubt that she is out of the picture.

So,read up on *Plan A.That will be good for you to implement now that the A is supposedly over.Go to the top of this page click under Q&A and on the left you will see the Surviving Infidelity topic.Browse around and read this site.There is a wealth of imformation about what you should be doing next.Talking is a good way to get things uncovered but I still think you should seek counseling.It will help to have a professional there to guide you in discussion and working at recovery.You don't want to waste several months tippy toeing around eachother not knowing what to say.

I understand how long you have been married.But remember,this A is all about your WH and what is going on inside of him.It has nothing to do with you as much as he might try to blame this on you.He may be feeling insecure,bored,depressed,scared,lonely,angry.Maybe he feels differently about your business.People who have A's have some problem or problems going on in their lives and they choose another person,very wrongly,to try and solve those problems and to fill voids in their lives.It is your WH's job to explore why he is feeling this way and why he thinks it was ok to fall for some young woman half his age.

Make it clear that you love him and are willing to do what it takes to save your marriage.Help him and encourage him.Bring home some books,suugest this site,suugest counseling.Read up on EN(emotional needs) and there are plenty of work books you could do together to make your marriage more exciting and fun.

Other's should be along.Keep reading and posting.

O

Thanks for the reply.

I am reading everything on this web site. I asked my WH to do the letter before he could she called his cell phone and left him a nasty message because I talked to her mother. Telling him she never wanted to see him again. His head seems to be out of the fog. He calls me & text pages me all of the time.

Interesting timing of events today: A good friend came to my WH to talk to him about his marriage. He is not sure if his wife has a boyfriend or not but they are having trouble his wife said he works too much. I found it interesting my WH is hearing a good friend talk about his problems.

But my next question should I ask him to move back into the house? Or should I wait for him to ask me? My H has been dropping small hints like "It is hard to sleep with the noise at the office" Should I take him up on a hint and then ask him to come back? I don't want to appear week or be too easy on him.

Last question how do I repost the message to move it to the front again?

Thanks Again, The best part of this site is talking to people that have been in my shoes. The worst part is not knowing about the site until damage has been done.

Thanks

Make a list.

"WH, I want our marriage to work. I want you to live at home again. Here is what I need from you before I am willing to try and rebuild what has been broken:

1. You will never contact OW again, ever, for any reason.
2. You will write a letter to her stating that, and give it to me to send.
3. You will attend MC.
4. You will be fully accountable for money and time.
5. You will give me full access to all cell phones, email accounts, or other means of communication.
6. Add as many other precautions as you need to begin to feel safe.

If he complies, great, your door is open. If not, keep it shut until he's ready.

To bump up your thread, just make a new post. If you don't have any new information, you can just type in "bump" or "^".

Bump -- RECOVERY PLAN -- for newbies