Two colleagues at work are having an affair. Each of their marriages are "in trouble." About six weeks ago, the male's wife actually called me for help. We spoke a little, but haven't spoken since. I have spoken to the pair directly and given them various advice. The two most important things I have said are:

(1) I am uncomfortable because you are implicitly asking me to be complicit in the affair by remaining silent.

(2) If your number one priority is to save your marriage, you MUST end this affair.

They seem happy to maintain the status quo. Neither is working on their marriage. They are continuing the affair. They cannot understand why I am bothered.

I'm not sure why I am bothered.

Thoughts?

If your coworker was embezzling money from the company what you do?

Probably you aren't the only one who is uncomfortable. You could tell your coworker that you are going to call his wife in a week, thus giving him time to get on the right path -- but make sure you follow up with a phone call as well. A coworker of my husband's made it clear to him she was concerned. He convinced me it was all my imagination.
Cherished

p.s. you are bothered because you are a MORAL person who probably is too decent to sit idle while someone so cavalierly destroys another behind their backs. And unfortunatley, you are too intelligent to bs yourself into thinking that it's "not my problem" or any of the other myriad excuses that moral cowards routinely make in order to avoid to do the right thing. It's a pain in the neck when you can't even buy your own bs, isn't it? I know the feeling well.

And you are intelligent and rational enough to recognize that your silence makes you an accomplice. Nor are you stupid enough to be fooled into the concept that marital troubles rationalize an affair, much less resolve the troubles.

Wow, I thought you might be my WH's boss. I called him to alert him about the A, and he did nothing. Confronted H and he denied it. All I asked was for them to be separated, not fired. I would think the COUNTY wouldn't want such a scandal. They lie and lie and get away with it. I know it will catch up with him someday. And to think WH wants to run for County Supervisor some day...we'll see about that. I'm not doing anything to hurt him though...been advised not to.

Wouldn't the affairees just convince their spouses that it wasn't true? All they have to do is spin the story to cover their butts so the spouse never gets the true story. This would be so easy to spin. If he makes the threat in an attempt in get them to bust themselve, it is unlikely the truth will come out because forewarned is forearmed. He will be handing them all of the ammunition he has to expose the affair.

Sadevad

How do you know for sure that they are having an affair??
Do you have proof?
If there is proof, can you get it over to the affairees spouses??

bb

I can well imagine the desperation of the wife of one of the cheaters if she called you. I never had the nerve to call anyone at my H's job to ask for help.

The cheaters deserve to be exposed. And since you're here at MB, go and read the part about How Affairs Should End. The betrayed spouse needs to expose. The right thing for you to do is contact the woman, tell her about MB, suggest she come to this site and read and help herself.

You are a good person, otherwise this would not bother you so much. You have some power to help the wife restore her marriage by sending her to MB.

They are in an A.No one thinks rationally or carefully while in it.These two people are being incredibly selfish and hurtful.The worst has yet to come.They have no idea.



Yes you do.Think about it.

O

He knows why he is bothered.

Agreed.See previous response Miss Mellie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yep, I was agreeing with ya, OG. You hit the nail on the head, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your post makes me sad because I wonder how many of my H's coworkers knew what was going on and just ignored it. I really thought at least a couple of them liked me even though they didn't know me that well. They seemed like nice people, but now I can barely acknowledge them when I have to talk to them and no longer inquire about how things are going with them. Had they stepped in when they felt uncomfortable, then maybe it would not have continued for so long. Who knows????

You have a rare opportunity to save two marriages "possibly" if you have the courage. It is a really tough position to be in and I do understand that, but couldn't you do it anonymously - give names and dates that you know would corroborate what you are saying to the wife that called? You have no idea how this is destroying her as time goes on. By the time I learned of the affair I was already sliding into depression. Don't be an enabler to this................

There are a few small things that complicate my situation and angst. I will try and address some things from the thread.

Embezzling is a crime. This may be repugnant, but it's not a crime. Bad analogy.

How do I know they are having an affair? I have asked. And, they have told me. However, there is not (yet) a sexual element. They are "very close." "Closer than good friends." But, they aren't "doing it." I believe them. Whether they are, or aren't isn't important since they both admit that "it's worse than having a drunken Christmas party tryst."

The three of us work very closely together. If this was occuring in the far reaches of the company it would be easy to ignore. But these are people that I work intimately with on a daily basis.

I am trying to find a way to get them to:

(1) Make an honest attempt at fixing their marriages; or
(2) Exit there marriages in an appropriatte way.

They are ignoring my advice. This does nor surprise me. If I "call the spouses" it DESTROYS my ability to go to work. Therein lies the stress.

I will grok on this some more. Any other thoughts are appreciatted.

dave, but the point of my analogy was not the criminality of the act, but the common victimization. Adultery victimizes the spouse, just as embezzlement victimizes its target. The principle is exactly the same, yet for some bizarre reason, we choose to treat adultery differently. It makes no sense. Most folks wouldn't hesitate for a moment to warn their neighbor that his bookkeeper was embezzling money frm him out of sense of decency, why some hesitate exposing a much more grievous act, adultery, is baffling to me.

No doubt it is a tough situation for you at work. I wonder if you could tip off the wife anonymously and help her gather evidence so she can save her marriage? There really is no way to fix the marriages until the truth comes out anyway, it will be impossible as long as this stays secret.

Thier affair likely will come out anyway, which will impede their ability to work together. You realize that, don't you? Working together makes it impossible for a marriage to recover.

p.s. the best thing for the marriages is for the spouses to know the truth about their own lives so they can have a chance to save their marriages. They can't fix the problem if the true nature of the problem is wrongfully withheld frm them. It is CRUEL to withhold the facts from these people so they can take steps to protect themselves from their respective spouses.

Do the three of you have a boss that you can talk to to try to get away from these two?

But please, since the wife has already called you, please tell this woman the truth. She needs to cover her butt or have a chance to work on her marriage. I have two small children that are being torn apart, they may lose their house and their father has run off. His coworker knew about the A, came and sat on my couch and ate dinner I cooked and never said a word to me. I wish so much, that he had had the balls to tell me so I could deal with it and protect my children.

What are you saying?? embezzlement is illegal. Should he go to the police with this??

This post really makes me think..........what can a person do when they witness that someone is having a affair???

This is really difficult, mostly if you have been in the same shoes as a BS.
Before my husbands affair, I thought totally different but after this "trauma" it bothers me alot when I see these things.

What came to my mind was: Wouldn't it be a good idea to have "First Aid Kits" for Betrayed Spouses????

A kit that could be sent to them anomynously.........with all the helpfull info that they need now and in the future.
Info of "Signs of a Affair" ............
maybe a book and Information on Marriage Builders......

just thinking...............

bb

I’m just wondering here.... What is really the hard part? Deciding whether to tell the betrayed spouses or actually making the calls?

I think most people with the experience of a wayward spouse are in retrospect “glad” (for want of a better word) of the day they discovered the affair. I remember it as the first day of intense pain but also the first day on the road to a better place.

Just by posting here I think you have answered my question. The hard part is making the call.

In your shoes I would use the fact that the BW has contacted you. Talk to her and tell her your suspicions. You can ask for her confidentiality. Tell her about MB, suggest how she can confirm the affair and so on. If you have concerns about your job you could talk to your boss beforehand. I am guessing he does not want office romances and would be happy to bust this without having to get his hands dirty.