physically or emotionally. I'm severely anemic right now and I don't know why.. I don't know if it's the cancer or a med that I'm taking (one of them can cause anemia) I'm exhausted and that makes me emotional.

I'm also having a hard time dealing with the issues in my marriage. When I went back with my husband I knew that I would have to forgive his affair for us to work. I just can't get some of the things he said to me out of my head.

Chances are that I will die young (I don't mean to be morbid but my chances for recurrance are high due to the type of cancer I have) I think what bothers me the most about that is that I didn't live the life I should have lived. I haven't done many of the things I wanted to do. Most importantly I don't know that I have ever been loved. He told me during his affair that he didn't love me and hadn't loved me in years even though he had been lying to me and saying he did. How do I know if he does now? I will never know. My heart was and is broken. I wan't to feel happiness again but right now I feel like that is impossible. I hate every minute of every day that I'm not with him, but being with him hurts too.

During the affair, they all say things that they don't mean. I wouldn't let his words then have such power.

As far as not doing the things you want to do, why not start now?

because I can barely stay awake now. UGH!! I know that this will get better but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Don't ever take your health for granted. I wish I could go back and really appreciate the times I felt really good!

Another thing that's really bothering me is that I had all kinds of dreams about how life was going to be so much better this time around (after we reconciled) but we barely had time to unpack my things before I was hit with this diagnosis. How can he be happy now? I really want for him to be happy and he say's he is but how can he be? I want to be a "partner" not a ball and chain. Yesterday we wanted to shop and just spend the day together. I felt horrible weak and I'm sure it showed. I feel like damaged goods.

Sorry if I'm being overly dramatic, it's just a really rough time for me.

Dear Anotherwhatever,
I have heard that I don't love you and haven't loved you for years. I know that feeling of wondering if what they are saying is the truth or are the rewriting history because of the fog of the affair.

I have had the same thought of not wanting to be considered a ball and chain.
Truth be known, I'm sure a lot of b/s have felt that way.
What a very hard road you have to travel.
Keep your mind on getting well, that should be your number one priority.
Its funny, My sister went through mc when her and her husband were breaking up. They managed to work through their issues and their marriage was healed. Then my sister found a lump in her breast. My brother-in-law was so good to my sister, and realized how much she meant to him.
I hope the same for you, anotherwhatever.
Get Well, you and your husband will be in my prayers tonight.

I will pray for you!

During the affair they have no brains. They say things they don't mean. Thank about your self get better. Turn your problems over to God.