As always Alphelion, you have hit it on the head. I love the re-education spin.

All joking aside, I feel Bob's pain and know why he harbors that resentment because in many ways I am him. There are so many different scenarios. My resentment in part comes from the fact that the OM in my case actively pursured my wife (in part because who she was) and then when the A ended he continued to pursue this even though he was supposedly reconciled with his wife. Since I did not know about the A for many years, he even came up to my wife once at the same event that the A started when me and both my kids were standing right beside her. That takes some major league cahounas especially since he didn't know if I knew or not. Had I of known, those cahounas would have been substantially larger or missing altogether after he made this appearance. Mind you this event has more than 20,000 annually. You have to intentionally seek out someone, you don't just bump into them. Often we have been to that same event when someone I knew was in a section not very far from me and neither of us even knew the other was there until after the event was over.

I will turn the other cheek, until he exposes that cheek to me again. In the meantime, Avenging Angels, Ltd. seems to be an appropriate response.

And I do not in any way think that the OM's actions were solely responsible for the A. My FWW was culpable for her actions and will have to live with those decisions. I have already worked through my anger with her.

Wow. I just want to shout how proud I am of my wife today. I love her very much. She is a very wise person.

Pat and Frozen:

The reality is that both Bob and I know deep down that we must move forward and learn to let our resentment go. We have been able to do that with our FWW because we had something with them pre-A and even more after reconciliation. I know that this post has bothered many and in many ways go against our Christian beliefs. But the alternative is to lash out at our FWW with that resentment, major LB or take action in person instead of imagining what we might be able to do on this board and venting our frustrations with not being able to have closure with the OM is the least of all evils.

Time will take care of this, I know...but too often the OM is too stupid to let time take care of the closure and does things that prolongs the inevitable. I appreciate your post regarding your acts of vengence with your daughter and how that once they happened, it really didn't help you feel better. I am sorry for what happened to her and the pain that you and her suffered because of it.

Okay, while it was a little "fun" to vent, this is a little more than that and I need to say something here. The alternative is not to hold onto the anger or vent on FWW. The alternative is to turn it over to Jesus. It is called the exchanged life. The world's view is that you must change. But you cannot. That is impossible. Sure, you can clean up your act a little. Or mask the anger. But inside, you havent changed. What Jesus does is come in and ask you to exchange your sins, your pains, your anger, your baggage...for His peace and His heart. So, what you do is say "Jesus, I know you do not want me to have this anger. I dont want it either but I am incapable of ridding myself of it. So, I'm taking this suitcase of anger and dropping it at your doorstep and call on you as my Lord and Savior to take this from me...to bear this for me." And guess what? Jesus Christ, the God of this Universe, has PROMISED that He will!! Now I do caution, when you pray and ask for God to do something, you must expect that he will do it. Dont pray but go "Well, I dont know if He will actually do it." If your prayer was biblical and yo uare seeking His will, Jesus has said that He will answer your prayer.


Time doesnt take care of anything...it just masks it.


While it is nice to vent or "what-if" putting a hurting o nthe OM, we must remember in reality, that is God's job. And I believe He can take care of things and make them right for us so much better than we can.

In His arms.

Having had something with your FWW pre-A, wouldn't that actually make them MORE responsible to protecting you than someone who didn't make vows to you?



There are always more than just two alternatives. Regardless of whether you vent your frustrations here (which is understandable, btw) or you lash out at your FWW - the point is that the anger, frustration, rage, resentment or whatever you choose to call it - is harming YOU!!!

Feeling that way feels pretty crappy!

And Mortarman is right - time does not heal all wounds. Time may enable you to learn to live with them, but what if you didn't have to live with them???

Time didn't heal my wounds. I told you, I carried that RAGE around for three years! As time went on, the more I tried to stuff it down, the bigger it got and it absolutely ruled me.

It didn't matter how right I was or how wrong his actions were or what he deserved. It isn't up to me what he deserves. Were my feelings justified? You bet! Were my feelings natural? Obviously! Were they harming me? Definitely!

THAT is what it is about. It's not about anyone else. It's about you. It's about allowing those negative feelings to rule you. It's about forgiveness. Forgiveness, not for the OP, but for you.

I also had fantasies of hurting OW - pretty specific fantasies. I could almost feel what it would be like to smash her stupid, trampy face into parking lot gravel. Those thoughts consumed me. I hated her. I wanted her to die. I wanted any harm to come to her, especially if it were at my hands.

Having had the experience of knowing it wouldn't change things, and it wouldn't make me actually feel better, I tried something different. When I actually met her face to face, I gave her something. I went to an office supply and bought a binder (yes, I actually spent MY money on HER), and I bought dividers with tabs, and I printed every single article, questionnaire, and principle from MB. I spent quite a bit of time (and ink) on organizing it with the dividers and tabs. I gave a gift to my enemy.

This time, I didn't feel low. I didn't feel weak, like before.

I felt FREE!

I took those horrible feelings and did something potentially constructive, instead of destructive, like I did before, and it freed me from them and I let them go. It feels so much better not to hate. Hate doesn't feel good.

Forgiveness is often not something you only have to do one time.

It's also not something that requires the other person to ask for in order for you to give.

It's a process. There are still times when I want her to hurt. I remind myself that her hurt will not take away mine. Her pain, or lack of it, is not any of my business. My pain is my business, and I have plenty of it to keep me busy without concerning myself with hers. In fact, focusing on her only prevents me from taking care of myself.

Do you really want to give someone that kind of power???


Thank you for saying that. Did I mention that the man who molested my daughter was my XH? Talk about the ultimate betrayal...

I have to let that one go all the time.

Ah.

"I see," said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Ultimate betrayal indeed.

If xH was also her father, that would put an exclamation point behind it, IMO.

Perhaps the magnitude of a betrayal is a function of the original trust and the innocence of the victim, not just of the consequences.

Sometimes forgiveness is a definite struggle, especially if the betrayal, ultimate or something lesser, happens more than once. 70 times 7 or not, sometimes sticking around when more of the same is likely is not forgiving. It’s stupidity.

So where does that leave me?

He is not her father, so while that may eliminate the exclamation point from her situation, it gets a triple exclamation from mine because I brought this sick creep into her life.



That is probably the most astute statement that has been made thus far on this thread - extremely insightful on your part.


Well, it doesn't leave you stupid. At worst, it leaves you without boundaries. I'll admit I am not fully informed on your story, but my initial response is to say that only you know what is an acceptable level of betrayal for you. Acceptable is probably a bad word. Of course, none of it is really acceptable. Then again, it must be acceptable to someone if they are accepting it.

So where DOES that leave you?

I hate to answer a question with a question, but you are the only one who can answer that for yourself. I'm no expert (obviously).
It's kind of sad to me that the only thing I have to offer anyone here is what NOT to do. But my answer to your question is a question for you...

When is it REALLY no longer acceptable for you?