I am almost 8 months pregnant. I found out that my H was having an A at the end of July. He tried to stay with me and my daughter for about 3 weeks but then told me he wasn't getting his feelings back. He said he didn't have contact with the OW during that time. I told him I didn't want him to stay there if he didn't WANT to be with me and told him he should leave. He did leave and immediately resumed contact with OW. He is living with his parents who are very angry with all of his choices but comes home whenever he wants. He is 35 years old and seems much happier now that he isn't with me. He visits our 7 year old daughter every day or two briefly. She stayed the night with him at his parents for the first time this weekend.

He is in a deep fog and is beyond reasoning with anyone. He makes strange comments like he still loves me or misses me but he doesn't deney that he is continuing the relationship.

He has now told me that he is going to move back in this month to be there in case I go into labor or have an emergency with the baby. I told him that I didn't want him living in our house if he is sleeping with another woman. He insist that it would be better for him to be there.

I disagree and feel that it would only bring back pain to go through him leaving after baby is born or not coming home at night. I don't know what he is thinking, but he has made NO agreement to end the R with the OW. I wanted to save our marriage and worked hard to do that, but he wasn't participating in the effort.

Am I right in telling him that he can not come home?????

Is he saying that he will continue his affair if allowed to come home? What is he saying is the problem with your marriage?

Grrrrrrr.

If it's one thing I can't stand,besides the parasitic opportunistic OP out there it's the failure of a man to do right by his family.Your WH is a grown man of 35 and has a 7 year old and a baby on the way and he is acting like an infatuated high schooler without responsibilities with some lowlife homewrecker hanging on! Sorry but I DETEST men who leave their wives especially while pregnant!

I agree with you that if your WH is continuing on with this homewrecker and will not agree to stop seeing her or having sex with her then I would consider a Plan B of sorts.Have you done Plan A in this time? Naturally it would be best for your WH to be 100% involved with you and your unborn baby but I am thinking that if I were in your shoes,I wouldn't want my WH in the house creating stress for me and my children by calling the OW and seeing her while living at home.It's sickening.

But it's your choice what to do and how you feel about it.I'm not saying he couldn't be in the birthing room with you but hopefully,other's who have dealt with this will come along with advice.And,you can read the Pregnancy board here and see what they have done too.Ask for opinions if you want.

O

He made not comment when I told him that I could not live with him while he was sleeping with another person. He didn't say he wouldn't see her or that we would discuss it. Just that he thought it would be better if he were there for me.

He says very little about the OW and sometimes refuses to answer hard questions but doesn't deney that the A is continuing. He actually told my mom that he was still seeing her when she ask him point blank if he was.

He was a caring husband and father for ten years and seems to think he should continue that same personality whether we are together or not. He avoids arguements and enjoys spending time with me when I am sweet and don't discuss our situation. He says he's confused. A thick, thick fog that no one can get through.

Any advise????

m, I wouldn't let him come back under those conditions. Can you imagine having to deal with a new baby AND an affair up close at the same time? You don't need that pressure.

He is doing this because he feels rightfully guilty and wants to alleviate his feelings of guilt. Please don't help him in that goal. He should feel guilty as ******, so just let him be. Don't let him come back to alleviate his guilt and carry on his affair.

Secondly, has this affair been exposed to his parents and all key people? Is this a workplace affair? Are you staying in touch with the OWH?

Yes, Plan A took place as soon as I found out about the A. I contacted the OW H and she had just told him that morning when she found out that I had his address. They have 3 children together and are only 25. I feel so bad for his family too.

Thank you for your advice. I don't want to throw away a marriage that could be saved, but he isn't to the point where he is willing to do what it takes to save our marriage. He hasn't disscused being in the birthing room with me but tells his mom that he plans on being there. He lives in his own fatasy world right now. My mom and mother-in-law plan on being there like they were for the birth of my daughter. I haven't told him that he can't be, but I don't know if I could tolerate him on that day. He did come to the last ultrasound a week ago. I'm trying to have very limited contact with him without cutting him off from his daughter and unborn baby boy. I just hope I don't regret any of my decisions. Have you been through this yourself?

He is fencesitting.

Of course he can act like a caring father but oh no,don't bring up the A topic,that would ruin everything.He wants to be a part of your life and the unborn baby and also have his OW on the side.It's classic cake eating.He's not committing to saying NO to the OW because of what I just stated above.Can you live with that knowledge and allow him to return? It's your call but I would personally say no.No committment to marriage,family and ending the A then he can't play pretend and have two women on the side.That is how I see it mwc.

Being pregnant does make this all the more complicated for sure but if you were not,wouldn't the same rules apply? If you have done a Plan A and did your best the past several months then Plan B is usually recommended not long after that.

Anyway,I hope other's will chime in about this since I have not had to deal with a pregnancy and a WS at the same time.I will bow out for now and wish you the best of luck in your decisions.

O

THIS IS 100% THE REASON HE WANTS TO COME HOME...it is for his conscious...not you or your marriage.

F-ing scumbag....sorry...I will go sit in the corner for a 10 minute time-out for saying that.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think you are absolutely right about him wanting to come back so he doesn't feel as guilty. People have tried to make him feel guilty for what he has done and advised him on what to do, but I think he just chooses the pieces of advise that he is willing to live with.

He has been totally and completely exposed. It took a week or so to get an admission of an actual A. Now our family, friends, church, and most everyone knows. This was a little alarming to me because it came out pretty quickly and he didn't seem to mind people knowing. I wondered if he wanted people to know so he could continue the relationship. He has been pretty private about their contact with each other, but since he is living at his parents they know when he doesn't come home. He really hasn't denied continuing the A to anyone which breaks my heart even more. At the same time he says he's in loves me and misses me and tells people that asked that he isn't in love with her. I haven't asked that question since he moved back out. I felt that his actions spoke louder than words. I wish I knew what happened to my loving husband and wonderful father. He seems to have vanished.

OG
Thanks for the advice. I agree that allowing him back him would be a bad decision, pregnant or not, with the confusion he is still in. I also feel it would be even harder to ask him to leave after baby is here. It was painful enough the first time.
MWC

I can't give you any advice, but know one thing: you deserve better!

quote:-----------------------------------------------
I don't know what he is thinking...
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That's the problem. He's not.

If WH is only going to be there to alleviate his own guilt, I say, forget it! It's not the kind of help you need right now. I think having your mom and mother-in-law for support is definitely a better plan. For now, can't count on WH on being there for you. If he misses the birth of his son, it will be on his head!

quote:-------------------------------------------------
I don't know if I could tolerate him on that day
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You shouldn't have to.

Hold me back people... please!......ggrrrr

...You can find me in the corner with Lemonman.

Lem
I think your right about him doing it for his own concious. All of his decisions lately have been based on him and his feelings.
I did get a much needed laugh over your needing a time out. I think it's about time for me to release some anger about the situation rather than trying to defend how great he might have been in the past. He is really good at planting loving thoughts in my mind by asking questions like "Does the other 10 years of being a good husband mean anything?" He has been a selfish idot.
MWC

luna
Thanks for your input. I truly need any advise I can get. I know that you don't know what kind of wife I've been so it's hard to say to a strager that they deserve better, but I guess anyone deserves better than what he's giving me now. I thought I was a pretty great wife and thought that our marriage was overpouring with blessings. I can't understand how someone chooses to throw away so many blessings in their life.
MWC

I for one found lemonmans response............................................








much too kind

I can't imagine the time I would have to stay in time out if I spoke what I am thinking...

ark

This better be a BIGASS corner....I want in too...
F-ing scumbag AND sleazy $lutwhore.

What kind of woman steals a pregnant womans husband?
What do you know about this woman?
Has this been exposed to her family?

joining the sour male in the time out corner for *thinking* worse thoughts that made my co-workers jump!

I think this particular sperm donor needs a full-fledged experience of being the man-on-the-outside-of-the-delivery-room so that OB/GYN can attend to the needs of the two most important patients, without adding complications. HE NEEDS TO BE OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!!!!

And he needs to know this will be his lot for at least the first two years of the baby's life while you breast-feed, etc. He can talk with a minister regarding his pathetic conscience - he can demonstrate he wants to care for this baby in other ways. But he will not be allowed to cause the mother medical and emotional complications with his foul presence. He has OW stench and must not be allowed to contaminate the sanctity of the family home.

Soap box just splintered.... Back to the corner!

I have done some really, really rotten things, but I'm not sure I could leave my wife for the OW if she was pregnant...I think he is definately feeling the guilt.

Make room in the corner!!!!!

MWC,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I know that you don't know what kind of wife I've been so it's hard to say to a strager that they deserve better, but I guess anyone deserves better than what he's giving me now.
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I see you got my point. Please don't even think of blaming yourself for HIS actions, or justifying his actions. They are unjustifyable.

quote:--------------------------------------------------
I can't understand how someone chooses to throw away so many blessings in their life.
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MWC, I am not sure I would waste time understanding HIM. I think you have your hands full already.

Please take care of yourself, and I wouldn't count on WH on being there for you for anything (best way I know to avoid being disappointed, which you don't need right now).

I agree with Ark..... Lemonman was much too kind.

Please beware. Your WH may look like your H, but WH is not the man you married - he does not care about you at this time!

My WH admitted to A and of being egotistical with a tinge of pride and a great sense of entitlement, as if being open about it made it somehow OK. I was confused and in shock for a long time because WH looked just like my H: chooses to feel guilty (and have the OW) rather than do the right thing by his family. Yes, WH apologized for hurting me, but as they say, words are cheap!

Please count on my support, and I am sure the MB vets here will provide you with more concrete advice.

I am glad you can at least count on the grandmoms!

I am going to stop here and practice 'self-control'.

Take care.

There will probably be more people joining you in the corner if my H continues his course of action.

Yes, I exposed the A to her H and mother-in-law. She had already told her H over the phone that morning when my H told her that I knew his and her name and had their address. She left him and her 3 children that day. They now have shared custody.

The kind of woman that does this is one that has called my H for the past couple of years and let him know that she was not happy in her marriage and wondered how his was. I guess ours was great until I unexpectedly got pregnant at 34 after begging for for the last year to get fixed. Then he suddenly couldn't resist the temptaion. The A (according to him) started around the time I was upset by the pregnancy, but I wonder how he became so attatched in a 2 or 3 month period. Could it be that maybe the A was resumed from some past A that I never discovered. Now I second guess everything I'm told or think. How anoying!!! I've always seen the glass as half full.

***He is really good at planting loving thoughts in my mind by asking questions like "Does the other 10 years of being a good husband mean anything?"***

Your Answer: "Yes, they do. I miss my husband very much and I wish he would come home."

WH: "I'm right here." Or, "I AM your husband."

Your Answer: "No, you're not. You are (use her name) OW's boyfriend. I do not want ANYTHING to do with OW's boyfriend. I am waiting for my husband to come home and if he chooses not to, our children and I will have to make a life without him."

There is *no way on earth* that OW's boyfriend belongs in the delivery room with you. Please do not put yourself through that sort of terrible stress.

The rest of y'all, move over! I'm gotta get in the corner, too, to get my brain washed out with soap!
Mulan