it's been very hard for me the past couple of days. I've been wanting to just hear WH's voice so bad that I've even called his work after hours once just hear his vmail message. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Doesn't give me the fix I'm needing though.

I'm the voice on his mobile phone vmail and he still hasn't changed that. I don't know why that makes me feel like there is still hope.

Today I'm feeling nauseaus and can barely concentrate on work. I'm considering taking the afternoon off if I can manage it. I'm jittery and restless.

All I can think about is my H. On the way into work this morning I broke plan b and called him. We have 1 joint bank account left that I'm trying to close but his stupid ebay account is set up to bill to it and now it's in the hole because there were not enough funds. The bank won't let me close it until the overdraft fees are paid. Why the damn bank just didn't pay it is a mystery to me. Anyway, I used that as my reason to call him. Told him to change his ebay account so I can close the account and that I am paying the fee. He acted all normal, like everything was fine, no questions about how am I doing or anything like that. Whole conversation was probably 3 minutes long.

Why is it so hard for me to do this?????? Last night I ended up drinking several glasses of rum & diet coke and since I don't drink I ended up feeling pretty loopy by the time I went to bed. But, at least I fell asleep right away and didn't wake up until morning.

I'm struggeling right now guys and really need some support.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm being advised to plan B also and I know this is how i will feel. I will miss him but i don't think he will miss me at all! DO you think your husband will miss you?

STWP - I know this is very hard and I too have had, and continue to have sometimes, this overwhelming desire to talk with WW. When she has come to my house and we sat in talked, it was SO nice as long as we could keep the conversation off of OM.

However, I have to remind myself that OM is still very much alive and well. Any "pleasantries" only serve to mask the fact that WW is firmly in love with OM, and any comfort is shallow and temporal.

I don't know if this is MB compliant, but when I really, really get to craving WW, I try to remind myself of her addiction to OM and what I have had to put up with.

Georgia

stopthe...

look at the alternative of interacting with him in which your pain is manifested by him in your universe.....

believe that as much you think of him...he thinks of you as well.....
and he thinks of his actions that have created this rift between you...

not in great measures...
not in great depth...
for that would cause a nice little self implosion of which humans avoid at ALL costs....

but you are the other voice in his head...
the voice that he tries to tune out but that persists...

it is with him everywhere he goes.....
and when he is silent and not in motion he hears it....

fill your schedule
set some goals..
re-arrange the house..
paint a room.....

become comfortable with you again......

your other choice is to break plan B and immerse yourself in the chaos again...

and this time it will be your choice and your actions that put you there....

he has to wrestle these demons...and while there are no garuntees for ANY of us....

his battle is with himself...and you can stand free of all blame of manipulation....

see this time as your right to choose as well..perhaps for first time since this all came to light...
you choose for you
you decide for you

immerse yourself in your freedom to choose....

ARK

eav, yes, to a certain degree I think he misses me. Since he kept telling me he wanted to stay friends and all that other craptastic crapola.

G.G. - thanks, I have done things like looked back on the documentation I have like the IM logs of WH and OW talking. That certainly makes a diff in how I feel at that moment, but read it enough and I feel like I get almost blind to it. Almost numb to it. Like it's someone elses story. Hard to explain.

I feel like it's my turn to throw a tantrum because things aren't going my way. I want to find a man and have an affair myself. I feel like it'd be easier on me to have someone to help fill that void. I know it's wrong, I know it goes against everything I've been fighting for, but right now, all I'm doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop, right? Maybe I should just go out and meet Mr. YouMightDo4Now. Nothing serious, just some distractions.

I hate feeling so much.

thanks ark.

I am trying to fill my schedule. I am currently supporting 2 websites, one for a group and one for a biz, which takes up some time after work. I have 4 cats at home that are always in need of quality time. My weekend days for the next few weekends are planned out.

I just have those thoughts...

You know the ones...when you leave the house and you used to give your H a hug and a kiss and let them know ILY...or something happened that you'd like to share, but can't...or just feel like getting cozy for a moment...

STWP -

Mr. YouMightDo4Now? lol...That's a moniker that I don't think most men would want to be known by.

I have a book mark back to my early MB days when Mimi was consistently having to pull me out of the fire, when WW was crassly rubbing my nose in her relationship with OM, and that helps me get out of that despondent feeling when I miss her so much.

I really do have to remind myself that she's an alien, not the woman that I have loved so dearly for so many years and enjoyed sharing life with EVERY DAY for almost 3 decades.

It ain't easy...

My heart is skipping a beat just reading your thread. I know how you are feeling because my WH and I have seperated 3 times in the past 22mos. I miss him like crazy and even consider putting up with sharing him just so I don't lose all of him. Then I wake up and tell myself that I deserve much better than sloppy seconds from MY husband and the OW deserves nothing of me. By that, I mean that I will not share anything with someone like the OW.

I know it's so hard for you. I really encourage you to stay on the boards here. Everyone here can and will give you the support you need to do the hardest thing I think you have ever done.

Something that cheers me up is the statistics of relationships that begin as affairs. I believe it is less than 1% of them survive. If it actually makes it to marriage (gag) They stand a 95% chance of divorce. Let me look these up again to be sure but I believe that is at least close to the numbers.

I also hate feeling so much but it's OK. When we feel, we know we are alive and our hearts, although broken, are still beating and still capable of loving.

Keep faith in yourself.

Loni

Thanks you guys...I'm still at the office. I haven't bailed out and I'm going to work on staying through the day.
I can't keep running off whenever I'm feeling crazed.

G.G., It's not like I would TELL him that's what he is to me! LOL! Although, what you said did make me laugh about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Seriously, that wouldn't solve my problems right now. I know that. I'm just looking to escape.

Loni - thanks for the support too. I know I don't want to share him with another woman. It goes against my instincts to just leave him alone to figure it out.

I feel like I've done A LOT so far to change me. Granted it takes time to make these permanent and I'm commited to that.

So, here I am, this good person working on making myself better married to a sh*theel that thinks everything is just great. How did this happen????

Guys,

Plan B became sooo much easier when I truly embraced the fact that there is NOTHING that I could do to bring back my WW. Only she had the power to fix what was broken. Her choice. Her desire. Her needs.

I could do a LOT to drive her away. Call her. Communicate through emails.Answer her phone calls. Drive by the house. Orchestrate "chance" meetings. Make sure she understood what my PLan B letter said, again and again and again.

Your WS is caught up in an addiction and we are asking them to cut off all contact with the OP. D*mn tough to deal with a high that is more powerful than any drug we have invented. We as BS's have no such pull to our WS. How come we ask them to do something(no contact) that we can't do ourselves.

It gets so much easier every day. Trite , a cliche, and completely true

Because we, as BS's will be there to help them through it. When we are in Plan B, the BS does it alone.

Granted, we have various support networks like the MB forums, but nothing compares to knowing you have someone who loves you (even though you may not be able to reciprocate yet) standing by you.

Honestly, I think this is more difficult than giving up an OW. But then again, I've never been a WS.


However, Cyn, you do make a good point in that I simply do not have the "draw" or the "pull" that the drug that is the OW has. He has to decide. I cannot do that for him as much as I'd like to.

Stop -

I have been thinking about you today. I was at work reading your posts - am home now.

I just wanted to encourage you and tell you that I know how you are feeling. The emotions we are going through are just as difficult to deal with as when we were in Plan A. I am on day two now and have gone through so many emotions today it is unreal.

Coming home, knowing that WH was here today is tearing me up. I keep expecting a note or some sign that he is thinking about me.

Maybe there is a relative or friend you can call when you have the urge to call WH?? That's what they suggest for the WS when they are going through withdrawal!!

I too thought about going out and just meeting someone. I had this thought during Plan A & even told my WH. I went out for Margaritas by myself & stayed out pretty late. Didn't meet anyone, just talked on my cell for hours to my sis and best friend. But the thought was there. It's like I know that someone out there will find me attractive and interesting. If WH doesn't want me, I'll just find someone who does.

But we HAVE to feel good about ourselves for who we are. I have to keep telling myself that over and over. It is hard, but it is something that we have to deal with.

Alone with our thoughts is a hard thing. When I'm alone with my thoughts I sometimes thing - Why in the world should I even take WH back if he decided he wants to. He treated me cruelly, broke his wedding vows and then tried to make me feel guilty for attempting to save our M.

{{{{{{Stop}}}}}} I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly. I so feel your pain.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Thanks for returning the hug today Kim. I need it for a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />