Been going through alot but after much soul searching, and long talks, I have finally figured out the root of the problems.
Resolving conflict.
After all that has happened we need to learn how to talk again.
It is OK to disagree it is OK to argue, but to learn how to have enough self control not to cross the line.
This is where we stumble constantly.
H told me that "we will never be able to get along".
That isn't true, what is true is that we have never learned how to argue properly.
I am totally open to any ideas.
I have read many books, and have been making a huge effort, I am working on my own issues, and I know H said he noticed alot of positive changes.
He even said he needs to stop bring ing up the past stuff.

Hi: One of the things I read is that you have to remain respectful. So many of us that have been married awhile treat strangers better that the man or woman who we profess to love. We say things that we would never say to a neighbor, friend or stranger. We must moderate our thoughts with a healthy dose of respect and love and look at issues as solveable problems not as reasons to argue and attack the other.
Good luck!

I agree that there's a correct way to argue. Arguing should always be approached from the point of view of fixing the problem instead of doing whatever you can to "win". Even the most hurtful comments and criticisms from my wife... I try to think about them for a few minutes to ask myself if there's any truth to what she's saying. I try to "give her a point" when what she says rings true. Even if I don't agree with everything she's saying, by telling her what I do agree with, I'm letting her know that I'm listening and internalizing what she's saying.

Sometimes it can be very complex tough. Sometimes convensional wisdom about "don't go to sleep angry at each other" actually isn't the best thing. Sometimes a good night's rest is what's needed to help you both think clearly and resolve it the next day. Sometimes it's even good to take a break from an argument and go do an activity together (preferrably sports type thing where it's more of an activity and not something that requires a whole lot of talking).

Hi all! Man, wasp89, your comments really struck a cord in me. I wish my husband would take in what I say about legitimate issues and look within himself to see what may be true. I always (okay, not always, but so much more than ever in our M) take a look at how I'm behaving and my actions, and try to immediately apologize or make amends, and just plain discuss it. My H, on the other hand, shuts down (emotionally), and through his actions, he seems to do the exact things that I have expressed my dissatisfaction with, almost as to say, "you can't make me change...I am my own man". And, trust me, I am way beyond trying to change him...been there...done that...and guess what? I learned that you can't change anyone...just work on bettering (if that's a word) yourself. I've been very good at not getting wrapped up in what my husband is or is not doing...that can drive a person insane...no thanks. But, as the cycle of my life continues to go, I, once again, find myself sucked back in. I want a "healthy" communicating relationship. Is that possible? I am NOT looking for perfection...that's unrealistice. It's very frustrating. I AM VERY FRUSTRATED!!!

Sorry, I had to get that out. I am married to 2 people in 1. My husband is an alcoholic, we are very open about this, because of me (no purple elephants in my living room...the kids know about the alcoholism, and awareness is a good thing..don't need to have secrets..it's not like a daily discussion or anything, but awareness none-the-less).

I am VERY extroverted and he is an introvert (unless he's been drinking). Great! We can discuss anything in the world until it comes to him and me. Then the walls of "I can't deal with this" come up (from my husband). I want to address the issue(s) and he wants to run for the hills (better known as hide within himself). I think he's crying inside, but doesn't know how to change.

Sorry, I'm going on in your post, gettingalife, but Dear Lord, I need a life myself. I guess I should post somewhere on marriagebuilders, but I'm afraid I will explode with emotion. Good times...not. In my situation, I know my husband needs to get in recovery and I need to work ALOT harder at my recovery (in Alanon).

Take care and sorry for going on about me....I guess, it needed to come out.

Thanks!

JLG

very true wasp. There have been way to many arguements between my wife and I, where it was an arguement just to see who could hurt the other worse. I am the king of doing this, unfortunately. The worst part of it all, is that in the end you only end up hurting yourself, and the people you love.