Hi! I'm new here, but have read the postings a few times and enjoy the feedback. I have been M for 10 yrs, my H had a year long A, that I knew nothing about, then ended it. The OW showed up at his job 3wks later to say she was pg.
This was the first I knew of the A. I believed my H when he said it had already ended, due to changes I had seen in him, before I knew. He left it up to me if he would have any contact with the OC, telling me if I couldn't live with it, then he wouldn't. I couldn't live with myself, if I were to keep him from his son and keep my DD from her brother. I never stopped phone contact between the 2 of them, but made the stipulation that he would not give her moral support during pregnancy. This infuriated her. She calls to give Dr visit updates (always a new problem), and tries everything she can think of to try and get him to the Dr with her. He finally told her that if he would be there, then so would I. That ended those phone calls, but the "problems" keep coming. I have tried to be as reasonable as I could possibly be with the situation and not blame her anymore than my H, and if I can still live with him, then I can be reasonable to her, right? I sat down and typed her a 6pg letter. I let her have all my feelings of betrayal and respect for other people, etc...Surprisingly, we have written to each other several times and it seems to get easier for ALL of us each time. I am petrified of seeing this child for the first time, are all of the feelings that I have been able to overcome going to surface again? As much as I love my H, am I really going to be able to live the rest of life dealing with this OC and OW? I secretly hoped that she would lose the baby in the beginning, then she made it to the 2nd trimester. Then I kept hopes that she was giving us a line of bull, we had no proof, and wasn't really pg. She sent an ultrasound photo the other day, it has her name printed on it and it is definitely a baby. I can only hope now that by some chance it is not my H's, but I really don't think that is the case. Are there really other people out there that have overcome this? Are they living a happy life without conflict from the OW due to the OC? I'm really scared.

We too refused contact during xow pergnancy,we took the time to work on our marriage. When we found out baby was here we filed for Dna testing and to set up
Child Support.
I won't live when dna showed H ws father it hurt like ******, but he was there for me as I was for him.
Contact didn't start till baby was 6 mos. and that we because she refused to include me in visitation, It did take a while but H kept telling her her loves me and that visitation would include all of us(H/I and our 2 kids) and he/we stood our ground she and I talked she relized we had a point.
We love the oc,he is a blessing in our lives.
Suprisingly xow can talk about ot besides oc , and most issues are parenting issues and we all three talk about it together.

You have to be totally and 100% honest. Go off to a room by yourself, and think. Nobody will ever know or hear your thoughts so be honest.

Since you are choosing to have contact, you need to be proactive on what it is that will work for you and your family.

You do not need to speak to this woman, at all until the baby is born and DNA has been established. Spend time with your husband and DD.

If/when he is established as a father, handle all things legally. Can you get child support in place for your dd so that oc does not get such a hefty cut of your family finances? Think realistically here. You don't have to sacrifice your financial future here. Just as ow will get advice and try and get as much as she can, you need to fight for your family. A laywer will help with all the legal details. Since you are choosing contact, make sure you have it set up to where it best suits you. You can have it set up as a 50/50 arrangement. You can have it set up where you don't even have to see or speak to ow. You can have it set up whatever way it is that will work best in your family. Afterall, it is your child who is being asked to alter her universe and you need to be mindfull of how this will effect her. She has to come first. If this upsets her, be aware. Her feelings and her future need to be protected and it is up to you to do so. There are people here who have contact. Somtimes it works, somtimes it doesn't.

Be wise, educate yourself on the laws of your state and be intune to your family and the needs therein.

Also, there is absolutely no reason for her to be contacting you at all. Untill she gives birth and is ready for the DNA test, there is no reason to even talk to her.

DO NOT EVER GIVE HER A SINGLE CENT until the test proves it is his, and CS is established. It will be seen as a gift.

Always always always protect your family first.

You will be fine. Take a deep breath and think long and hard at what you want. Then plan on how it will work best for you and your family and move on with your life.

Thanks for the imput guys! I have to say that I THINK she will be fairly reasonable about things, but then I get scared that I am too trust worthy of people and she is just going to blindside us one day. She says she has accepted the fact that I will be involved in her sons life. She wants ALL of us to meet before the baby is born to try and "take some of the edge off" before we have a child to hold. I'm not quite sure how to take that. She says she encourages visits from me/H/D, at her home, after OC is born. She wants to come to our home a few times for OC to become familiar with our surroundings with her before she leaves him to us for overnight visits, which she doesn't think she'll be comfortable with until he's around 1 yr, but says she'll try to keep an open mind and maybe be ready at 6mo. She says we will get the standard every other weekend. It bothers me that she is trying to schedule out things like that. I had just planned on taking it a day at the time. My H doesn't want to get involved with a lawyer, unless it comes to a point that we have to. I try and convince him to go and file for joint custody. He doesn't think it will be necessary.

I guess in some strange way I hope that we can all be... not quite friends, but close. I want my D to know the OW. D is almost 4 and very smart about things. I think to see and know the mother of her brother is the only way for her to not think he dropped out of the sky somewhere. Am I making a stupid decision? Is that completely crazy? Has this ever happened before? I do believe my H when he says he learned his lesson, that he realizes what he almost lost. That part about them, I'm not concerned about. She too says she's learned her lesson, says she can't imagine she would ever be this stupid again.

I know that getting as far as I have with this is my trust in God. I have always believed that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. My H had strayed from God as well as his family. For several years, I asked God for his wake up call (be careful what you ask for) My H says he is awake. We are back in church, and do everything as a family now, my D has a daddy that she wasn't used to having (even though he was with us). I pray to God everyday to get us all through this.

She wants to "take the edge off"????? BIG RED FLAG HERE.
If she feels there is an "edge" it is her problem to deal with. YOU and your husband do not need to do anything to make her feel better.

Now, as for being blind sided, honey, you have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I understand not wanting to do things legally, but let me press upon you how important that is. Any side deal that is made, without court involvement does not count. If you pay this woman $200.00 a month for 5 years, it may not matter and you could owe her back child support. She may decide that she is angry at you for whatever and raise a fuss. Do not do this without legal advice. It can come back and bite you hard. Would you buy a house on a handshake???? Or would you do it legally??? This is an 18 year commitment. This isn't signing on the dotted line and a done deal. Do not give this woman the power to control your life. Someday she may threaten you that if you "don't do" something, she is going to court. Your H will not want to go to court, and wala, she is now controlling your life. Do not let this happen.

She sounds like she wants to play one big happy family, that eveyrone is just all so happy and thrilled etc. This is beyond belief. She is TELLING you and your husband what you may or maynot do?????? AHhhhh HELLLLOOOOOOOO

She can't call all the shots here. If that child is his, he has just as much right to make decisions as her. She may as well get used to that right now. As for her coming to your home??? There is no reason for this. You are all not one big happy extended family. You and your husband are including the oc into your lives as a family member, not her. What is next? She wants to move in your home to make it easier on everyone? This woman has an agenda, be aware.

This is the time to set down clear, concise boundaries, FOR EVERYONE. Her included. She can't say when or how long you will be able to see that child. Let the courts decide. Maybe you want that child 50% of the time. If that is what you want, she can't say no, as the father has just as much right. These are the details that need to be hammered out, LEGALLY, so she can't one day say that you can't see little oc cause of this or that.

You need to think long and hard about all of this. It doesn't matter if she is comfortable with leaving HIS child with HIM. She has no choice. A good laywer will tell you that. He has just as much say as she.

As for all being "close" well, that is up to you. But how can anyone be friends with only one calling all the shots? That isn't being friendly at all, it's manipulative.

A clear, concise, legally binding agreement, between all, is what is needed here. Everyone clear on where they are and were they stand. THEN it will all calm down, fair to everyone and the possiblity of being friends could be there.

This woman and your husband have said they have learned their lesson. Words are cheap. They both have long road to ho before they can be trusted. It is not being naive to want to be a trusting person. For now, keep a sharp eye and be carefull. These two have already proven they are capeable of deceit and have shown disrespect and disregard for you and your daughter. Until you are protected legally and have clear boundaries set up, you may be looking at a whole world of hurt.

Be willing to trust, but also be wise. Be protective of your daughters future and yours without shame. Afterall, who else is looking out for you two? The ow?

As for wanting your 4 year daughter to know ow, so she won't think oc fell from the sky. Are you not worried about how she is going to feel about a baby? Even real siblings get jelous when a baby comes home, having one coming around here and there is going to be hard enough on her. This needs to be handled quite delicately so as not to undermine her security. Having the ow and oc around playing "family" is going to really be confusing. Take this real slow with her.

Take it all slow, easy and with a methodical attention to all the details, and you will all be fine. Just make sure you do it all legally. It may sound cold and harsh, but it is reality.

hello,

it sounds like were not only going through the same thing but situation is alot the same.
my h and i had seperated and he went out with this girl to try and get over me, it didnt work and the relationship wasnt right. him 42 her 24, they went out for 5 weeks, one week later she told him she was p.
i am constantly having mixed feelings about this. I want to be involved, kids need there dads but we to are afraid of the possibility of her playing games. we went through h with h exwife, so were nervous about this. so far i have the feeling that isntgoing to happen cause i think she is going to need us too much. she is really young and imature.
for some reason, my biggest fear is my h leaving me for her. i dont know why and h reassure me all the time. i just feel so old, 44 shes so young and little that its so hard to have faith. my h would rather not have contact then have me feel this way but like i said i think kids need both parents. i dont see her doing well on her own. she feels we can do this out of court, right now im okay with that but if she gives us any problem we will go to court and well tell her that we will ask for more time. in washington, if parent goes against visitation order 2 times she can be arrestd and or lose custudy. i am going to look more into it.
she isnt real happy that my h wants test done, she takes that as a hit against her. but really its me, i believe its probably his, but if were going to pay cs and build a relationship with this child then i want to be positive first. i think its best. its not a hit on her, i just feel

its for the best interest of all of us. i will be involved in all, h will never be alone w her or talk to her without me there. he really doesnt want anything to do with her. i want to give her a chance. call me ctazy, but i too feel this was a wake up call for not only my h but for me as well, i wasnt a good wife. maybe this is my punishment. my reminder to be good to my h treat him with love and respect. i just dont want my h to take out on this girl what his xwife has done to him.
i too believe god has a purpose in this, i feel lead by him , i just need to trust him and listen do what he wants. not what i want. some times its hard for me to know what is from god. i too want us all to get along be like friends. i feel drawn to her. i go on the 28th to the ultra sound, i still keep hoping that it wont really be my h. yet i have alredy started buying for it and am having my dd save her baby stuff for me. i am temporaily insane and i dont know how to not think about this everyday. its like an obsesion thats taking me over. anyway been great talking to you. i do understand what youre going through and you sound like a very caring person and i do believe that you will be rewarded for that. remember god never gives us more then we can handle. i need to tell myself this. bye

Okay, I guess with what little I have said, it is like she is calling all the shots, but we have not agreed to all of them. Believe me, we have put her in her place more than once since this deal started. She has definatley not had HER WAY.

She lives 1 hr away from us, in the town that my husband USED to work in and was in school two nights a week. It made it very convenient for them and I never suspected anything. She is the sister to one of his classmates that he became friends with and spent time at their home (time between work and school), which I always new about. The friend (brother) started spending weekends at our home, helping to work on a home that we were remodeling and my H would sometimes go there on a weekend to help with some work at there home. I guess the distance has helped a little with my trusting him. He had already finished the school and moved on to another job, in another town, which I know now was his way of getting away from her. That was when he had ended things with her before he found out she was pg. Not that it couldn't happen, but it would be a lot more difficult now. I know, they could make anything happen if they wanted it bad enough, but my H has proven himself to me in a lot of ways recently. I don't see the "addiction" to the OW that I hear so many talk about. He doesn't go back and forth with what he wants to do or who he wants to be with. He's very straight forward that he wants me and his D, and will do ANYTHING to keep us.

As for my concerns for my D. I don't think jealosy will be a problem for her, she's never shown that much with any of my families children. She loves babies plain and simple. She only gets upset when she can't hold them enough because everyone else is. What I'm afraid of is her not understanding why we can't have him all the time. We haven't told her yet, but can only imagine the excitment that she will have (she's been asking for a baby).

I too have said that I will not allow my H and OW to be alone without me. In the beginning, she only wanted to "talk" to H in person, trying not to P*** her off, he asked me what if someone that I knew and trusted went with him to talk to her. I said NO and that was the end of that. I did allow them to maintain phone and text message contact for business about the baby. She tried to make it more, but he would blow her off. I was able to trust him with this, because I was monitorring more than he knew about, and he has always came and told me what I seen/heard for myself.

One thing I have not done is blame myself for any of what has happened. I tried for two years before the A ever started to draw my H back to me. His was all selfishness, and he is the first one to admit that to anyone. I tried everything I could think of, he just wasn't happy.

Do lisen to what God is telling you, he speaks to us in many ways, we just have to be willing to listen. It took an arrest, a car accident, and many other smaller things to wake up my H. I guess God knew what would get his attention.

I know what you mean about the obsession, I too have that. Not a day goes by that this isn't the most thought about toppic of the day. I just wonder what the future is going to be like. Have I painted myself a fairytail picture that will never take place or can we somehow make it through life without all the hassle of conflicting families. "God never gives us more than we can handle", that has been my motto for the past 4mo. I always lived by it, but it has really sunken in recently.

hi,

thanks for what you said. i have to keep reminding myself that god does not put more on us then we can handle.
today espically. my h had hearing over cs with xwife. ive been crying ever since. im not to worried about having to pay more, its just the whole situation. his dd is now 18. she drives a 2005 car, our newest is a 1999, they live in a house that costs more then my h makes. why cant xw just leave us alone. dsd going to school but on line, how does that count, dont need a car for that.
im more afraid of x getting ahold of ow. ow is having sd be her coach after only meeting her twice. they do get along well cause their so much the same age. boy does h regret having them meet.
its hard to let this go and trust god. i try telling myself that god isnt going to have us go through this twice.
this ow is nothing like h xw. im just so scared, im tired of the emotional rollercoaster. im asking myself if my h is worth all this.
i just cant handle anymore emotional pain.
ow does talk to me not h , she does want h to at least acknoledge her when he sees her. we run into her sometimes.i can understand that.
i feel so messed up in my head that i feel like i cant trust my feelings, fear is really taking over in ,me.
im feeling really depressed so im going to go take a nap.
glad your all out there

I really hope that Sunny and Angel pop in on this one.

J, you said your husband does not want to go the legal route. Well I belive that Sunny and her husband did not go to court, but they did have the agreement go through the court. If you all can agree on something suitable and fair there is no reason you have to drag this out in court. I do too recomend a DNA test. It only protects all involved. No one later on down the road when one gets upsets can say well it's not yours kwim?

There is no reason why 50/50 joint custody can't work. I know with a newborn the mother will have more time with the child, and really is more for the bio mother than father, but it will equal out as the child gets older. Again, there is no reason why the families can't bond (talking your family h/dd/y) with this child. I too think it's very important to bond as soon as possible. That way when you start to get the oc more there are no strangers.

BTW..........I'm an fow w/oc. I have nc. I just wanted to make sure you know this as I'm speaking.

As far as the ow wanting to see your place, if your comfortable with this so be it. Also look at her place. You both have that right.

I myself think that if you can all come to an agreement that is fair to each other and if that entitles you getting together with her once AND YOU CAN HANDLE that then do it. If you can't....have it all go through your attorney. If you plan on not getting an attorney then I suggest that you google your state revised laws on cs/medical etc. You can still prepare the paperwork yourself and have it go through the courts yourself.

I think it's very admiral for both of you ladies taking the stance that you have. I know it's not easy for either of you and the betrayal from both the ow/your husband is very hard to swallow let alone a child too.

Make sure your marriage is strong enough to handle this all, and make sure that you both are able to live with the decissions your making or resentment will take over your marriages and that is not good.

If ow tries to make it about her and husband then make sure your husband continues to bring it back about oc.

I wish you both good luck and hope that this works out for you both. It is important for a child to have two parents and it takes a lot from you both to do what your trying to do.

Dear Jmims

I bumped up Sunnydale's welcoming post for newbies .... and posted to you on that thread ...

Take care

One of the most important elements of recovery after an affair ... ~any~ affair

is NO CONTACT between the affair partners....

not even to discuss her pregnancy or anything else ....

NO CONTACT between your H and OW is vital right now .... there is NOTHING for them to discuss that is of greater importance than YOUR marriage

anything that HAS TO BE SAID can be relayed through your attorney

NO CONTACT makes marriage recovery do-able

there is nothing they need to be saying to each other at this time that supercedes YOUR recovery

nada

Thanks again guys, it is so nice to hear what other people with a simmilar situation have to say. My friends try to be there, but they just don't understand how I'm still doing it.

We had a major fall back this weekend, and I'm not sure what will take place next. We attended a wedding of a close friend of ours, (all the same friends that were at our wedding). I really got caught up in the memories and lost it (emotionally). We ended up leaving early and when my H asked if I wanted to talk, my response, "what is there to talk about, you took something from me that you can never give back"! I treid to explain, weddings remind me of the "specialness" we always had. Now they give me hurt. He said, one more time, "I'm sorry". He's barley said two words to me since. Why do things keep going backwards. They will be going so well, then I feel like we're starting all over again. Will the rollercoaster even come to a stop? Or am I just getting started?

I can so totally relate. One day your fine, you may only think about it 10 times, the next day, something small will happen and your day goes to ****** in a hand-basket. The smallest things set me off. I just think it's going to take time, a lot. Why don't Spouses and OP's think about this before, and then to top it all off, to bring a constant reminder of the indiscretion into the picture, an OC. It's hard, but we'll get through.

hello jmims,

I know exactly what you mean. It seems we go back alot too. Im real bad, sometimes I say to him i dont know if this is worth it. I cant help but talk about it everyday, it has taken over my mind. I know its not good for us but its hard to stop. we were seperated when a happened meaning we were already having problems in our m. so now weve been back together for 3 months and the old issues are coming up. those on top of this new issue i feel is to hard to bear sometimes.
i feel the same as you if you remember, being involved for the children. I think its going to take some time. If your marriage was decent before affair im sure it will come faster for you, i hope it does. My h is a grouchy old man we have alot of issues to work on.so its going to take some time. My fear is that were going to have a fight and hes going to run to her now. her having his baby means she is forever there, reather we want her to be or not.
Im scared too. Im tired of this rollercoaster too. I think there are some things we need to stay away from. Weddings being one of them. It brings up pain instead of joy.
again, I need to remember that god has his hand in this, he will take care of things, IF WE LET HIM thats the hard thing letting go and trusting him.
I might be going to dr visit with ow, am I setting myself up. we talk alot. I think she knows that I care as much about her baby as she does, ok maybe not as much but alot more then anyone she knows. she knows I have the b best interest at heart.I just dont know if im being set up or is she for real. in my heart i feel she is, but another part wants to tell me she just wants to rub it in my face,that she is having my h b and i cant.
Its messed up and unfair that any of us have to go through this at all.
please keep me posted on how youre doing, and how its going with ow, your situation helps me.
bye, and take good care of yourself

I would say it's very big of you to do this. I don't think I've ever seen this. But all I can say is do what you feel you need/WANT to do. Maybe she will see the forgiveness and unselfishness in you and learn some very hard "GOOD" lessons through this. (did you say she was young?). I would also have some gaurds up as well though.

I know it's got to be weird though. I can't imagine it myself.

You know it's possible that an ow can change. I know it's hard for "others" to see this but it was a horrible mistake and hopefully she has learned from it.

May I ask you a question that is kindof personal? If you don't want to answer I understand. But are you infertitle? I was and it sucks even more going through this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BTW..........I'm an fow w/oc. I have nc. I just wanted to make sure you know this as I'm speaking.


May I ask you a question that is kindof personal? If you don't want to answer I understand. But are you infertitle? I was and it sucks even more going through this.

hi,

im confused,
these are both you right?
did you have oc and are now infertal?
anyway, like ive said I feel motherly towards her. Ive already started talking to her about going out with single men without xs or children that it saves heartache. she just went out this weekend with a 33 year old guy. at least he is younger and is single. but like i said she seems really imature for her age. what is wrong with these older men that they want such a young immature women. I just dont get it.
the ow says she doesnt think she could be like me if it was her in my place. she kinda puts me up on pedestell but believe me its not me, its god.
you tottally know all my feelings on this situation and my fears. now i got another ? Ive just thought of this lately, I dont want to ask husbands thoughts as he tired of me talking about her.
I remember when they went out together, my h mentioned one time that he felt she had control issues. she would never ride in his car, she always had to take hers(i dont know if she always had to drive). she would never stay at his house and was only over there once, claimed she didnt like his apartment. they lived in the same apartments. true he didnt have good furnishings, we had only been apart for 3 months at the time. The movies they watched could only be certain kinds, definatly not the kind my h likes.
he told me that they had a talk concerning her control issues, that in less than 5 weeks. Now honestly is this a big red flag as to the possibility of control issues involving child. give me your honest opinion. im not sure that ill run, but i may at least keep a disdance and not share myself so much with her. maybe shes befriending me to try to upset h.
I really wish i could see into the future, I hate going through this.
thanks to all of you on this board, you really save me alot.

Okay, there is confusion here. I have never been the OW, I am the FS, and I am not infertal. We have no ex's that we have had to deal with, and I have tried very hard to not have that kind of situation to deal with. I carry alot of resentment towards my H, because he made a decision for US that we would not have any more children (I respected his decision). He would not even discuss have a sibbling for my D, now he has not only had an A, but has the OW pg. This has been a mojor issue for me, but it has not been previously disclosed on this forum. I'm not sure where the confusion came in.

As for her control factor, I would say that is a major flag. I would be very careful with that, but I do believe that you can also "control" that by the amount of control you ALLOW her to have from the beginning. You say she's very immature, a child will push you as far as they can get away with, she'll do the same thing. My OW is 30, same as me and my H, she has never been married and she and her brother own a home together. She seems very immature to me in alot of ways that she has handled things, but in many others, she seems quite mature. She has still pushed as far as we would allow her to get what she wanted, but when we put our foot down, she would back off.

I have written several letters to OW and had to be very careful not to give her too much information. I kind of gave her my life story, me and my H being high school sweethearts and all, I guess I wanted to really lay on the guilt trip. Part of me wanted to hurt her the way that the two of them hurt me. She called my H , after my 1st letter, angry that he had "allowed" me to send it to her (like he had a say so). When he told her he didn't understand, he had read it, it wasn't a mean letter, she replied, it was hurtful. My response, the truth hurts. They put themselves in the situation and gave me no choice.

I guess I'm getting off track a little, but my point is, be careful what kind of information you give to her, it could always be turned around and bite you. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer", Are you the enemie or is she? Whether you mean to or not, trying to help her, your still gonna do what is best for you and your family. She's gonna do what she feels she has to do. You don't have to walk away, but BE CAREFUL!

None of us can see into the future. If we could, we wouldn't be here. I just keep telling myself, God's looking out for me, just don't be stupid. Everything happens for a reason. I just keep trying to Be The Better Person. They will have to answer to God one day for what they have done, it is not my place to judge. I have told both my H and OW this, and that answering to me right now is nothing.

Keep your chin up and smile, have faith that we can all make it through this, God has a plan.

Okay, there is confusion here. I have never been the OW, I am the FS, and I am not infertal


hello jimims,
Im sorry i didnt mean to confuse you. that you had read was to notdoneyet concerning ?s she had asked me. Sorry didnt mean to confuse things.
thanks for the advice, Im going to try real hard to just be there for her but not open myself up. I to seem to tell my whole life story. I need to stop.
I am definitly not the enemy. Id like to think though that i will not allow her to control us. weve been though that already.its not worth it.
bye for now, imtswife