ok, so i was going to print all the gorry details.. had a lot of it written down already, but i've run out of steam to finish it. i've saved what i have so far, maybe i'll share more tommorow.

however, i do want to say this much.

i've never been good at praying, i've never known how to concretely "lean on God". i am trying very hard to understand and finally get it. I want to have a personal relationship with God in a way that helps me be a better and stronger person.

i have an opportunity to do this today. i have an opportunity to do this and in doing so to also be able to put my H's needs in front of mine.

It has to do with my family, the impact my family has on me directly. my H's view of my family and the impact his view of my family has on me. i won't go into more details than that, at least not right now.

the significant part of the story is how i decide to view this, as a problem or as an opportunity.

the other significant part is how i decide to handle the emotional distress that the situation does put on me. by hiding behind a wall or by offering up the to God. i want to choose the path of letting Him comfort me so i can truely put my H's needs in front of mine.

i felt i have at least been fairly successful in not messing up this opportunity. this morning as i walked from the train to the office, 2.5 miles, i prayed and prayed. for help and strength to really grow up a bit and look beyond myself. when i talked to my H this morning, i know he could hear in my voice that my mood was not great. but i made it clear to him that although i am not perky today, i am certainly not mad at him and that when i told him last night that i do not want him to do anything that would cause him pain, i was being very sincere and i still feel that way. regardless of how the whole situation makes me feel.

and now, to make good on this, i have to do all i can to quickly get past the hard feelings. and that is what i was praying for.

perhaps it would be helpful for me to state how i feel. i feel very alone in this world right now.

i'm not elequant.

if anyone would be willing to join me and say a prayer on my behalf too, i would appreciate it. whether the prayer is said silently or written out. either way, i thank you in advance.

Lord, Father in Heaven I lift up your precious daughter, FL to you today. Lord, she so desires the close relationship with you that you so graciously offer to all of your children. Father, please open FL's eyes to your grace, mercy and faithfulness. Let her Father, feel your forgiveness and allow her to let go of the hurts of the past. Hurts brought on by other's and hurts she brought to her family. Father, please give heal her heart and soften her to show your grace and mercy to others especially her family. Thank you, Father for all the blessings you bring into our lives. Thank you for giving FL the courage to open herself up both here and at home. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

i'm not elequant.

Somehow, I don't think God will care about that.

Happy to join you. Thanks for asking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

May you feel his peace, and get the help you need.

SS

FL, I've added you to my prayers today.

I've gotten very good at praying as if my life depended on it in the past 20 months.
God has not failed to give me an answer, both general and specific.

Not always the answer I expected or hoped for. The answers have each and every time been even better.

What Father will hand their child a stone when they ask for bread...

May God give you what you need.

Amen

Prince of Peace, Father God , hear the prayer of a sinner made clean by your sacrifice.

A child of yours cries out to you Lord God; a sheep needs its shepherd.

I intercede with the authority of gracious salvation that you look upon your daughter FL and hear her prayer , Lord God.

May you see only her pure, white self, as a sinner forgiven and may you deliver unto her a life abundant in holiness from her relationship with you Lord.

Be a father to her Lord,hear her call " Daddy, Abba father" and love this child of yours. Deliver unto her peace and understanding. Deliver unto her your Peace that surpasses ALL understanding.

Deliver unto her the confidence in a trial that only a Saint with the blessing of a manifest relationship with God can expect.

And Lord Jesus, I pray as is my calling that a Hedge of Warrior Angels be placed around FL and her family allowing healing to take place without the influence of dark forces upon them.

Wonderful Counsellor, who reads heards, LORD read FL's heart now and rejoin her shattered places. Heal her wound Lord that she may be whole.

In the name of YOUR son who died for us I pray.

Amen.

as i walked to the train station, i prayed that i would feel His love and find comfort in that alone.

knowing there would be people here praying too, really helps.

read psalms 37 it will really help- your in my prayers and please put me in yours for my same situation.

winterkisses, thanks for the suggestion, i have just read the psalm you mentioned. i will put you in my prayers winterkisses. may God help us both feel His love so we may be free to love others.

unfortunately, ii'm not so sure i have been very successful in letting God comfort me so i can truely put my H's needs in front of mine. i've been very quiet at home this evening. i have managed to not hide so much, but i cannot manage to feel close to my H tonight. i'm not maad at him, i just don't feel close.

i guess that means i still feel very alone in this world.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
honey- hes still home so theres a chance- my wh is living with a50 year old married woman. Her19 year old daughter is here also.......Keep communication going. Take small steps
have time for the two of you. take pressure off relationship-let go of the constant past actions.
I am at the point that im not going to chase mine,go out of my way to be extra nice,etc. now hes calling me and coming by the house more. I begged and pleaded for 3 months to lets work on this- at first he was mean and cocky. Now hes saying tome hes sorry for the things he has said.
I believe the love nest hes in is slowly eroding. You see the mistress has lost her job- money is tight and how can you support 2 households????? Im sure shes saying hey you need to make the choice.everyone says he is coming back to me-that pride and admitting he made a mistake is holding him back. He told my boys that he would be home before christmas. Hmmmmmmmmm.

thanks again winterkisses. i think this post had so much more to do about just me, not us, although i agree i am very blessed and i am very happy we are together.

i'm realizing more and more that i have some serious work to do on me, my reactions to life, my coping mechanisms, my ability to trust and really be intimate with my H.

deeper type work than i have done so far.

i'm not sure if that is making much sense.

i am very happy with the insights and growing i have done so far. but it seems like that has all been more about taking responsibility for my actions and about choosing to love.

i feel like i am trying to get to a different level of learning now. not very comfortable or easy, but i actually want to learn to trust. finally at age 42.

this morning, with the 10 min i had after kids left for school and i had to leave for train, i did tell my H i was feeling disconnected. he said he was not and i had no reason to. i said, i agree i probably have no reason to, but that is still how i'm feeling and i am trying to learn a new response besides shutting him (and the world) out.

ok, i need a nap now!!! (yes that is a joke aimed at myself)