Hello all,

I am new here and found this site through a search engine.

My wifes 2nd Husband lives 2 blocks away from us, they have been divorced for 10 years. For many years he hounded her to get back together with him, but she wouldn't do it. He has a considerable amount of money, so has supported her and their daughter since their divorce.

He constantly is trying to manipulate our lives or have some hand in it, but she claims she has been pushing him away every so slightly day by day.

Some weeks will be just fine, while other are nearly unbearable. He will sometimes call everyday when neither I or their daughter are there. He wants to know how my wife is, what she is doing, etc.. etc..

I have had 2 talks with him on the subject, but it has only help marginally.

My wife unfortunately has a different viewpoint on the world than I do and believs that they can stay close friends while she is married to me. She is down from surgery right now, but in the past would stop by his house, get his mail, or even take care of his house and dogs while he was gone. For the first few months of our marriage, he would ask her out to lunch almost everyday. She would just say no, but not tell him to stop asking, so he kept it up until I had a talk with him, which she got mad at me for.

I let her know before we got married that this type of thing is not constructive for a married couple and that continued association with him on that level would hurt our relationship.

Since then, things have gotten a bit better until last night. For the most part it was always him trying to meddle in our affairs, whether is was offering to remodel his daughters room at our house, install a new heater which we could not afford, or any number of things such as this. I never allowed him to do any of them.


Yesterday, I lost two huge sales and another amount of money coming from another location, which amounted to nearly 3000 dollars that we were expecting.

She had talked about getting pumpkins and corn stalks to decorate the yard and I had said I would get them on payday.

Last night she told me that she had asked her ex to get her some corn stalks to decorate with. We had a large fight about it and are now not talking to one another.

She also consols him emotionally when he is feeling troubled or when he thinks he needs some attention. He is still strongly obsessed with her, but she calls it just being "friends".

I am on the verge of asking for a divorce, but she is absolutely the love of my life, I am not sure what I would do without her. I am not dependant upon her, but she runs in my veins and inundates my soul.

But, I also know that I cannot keep going with him constantly a part of our personal life. Being part of his daughters life is one thing and communicating with my wife about her is okay too. But, when he tries to meddle in our life or when she runs to him for something we cannot afford, this to me is unbearable.

She thinks its all in my mind and that I have created this issue. If that is true, why do I hurt so much?

Any help out there?

Sorry to find you here, but you have come to the greatest place I know of for such situations.

Hmmm, sounds like she is married to two men. I can understand the need she feels to keep peace with her x for the sake of their daughter, but I don't see the need for anything else.

Why did she and her 2nd husband divorce (and 2nd husband to boot???)? That may have given you an indication or forsight into what your marriage may become.

I think for most of us here we would consider her arrangement an EA (emotional affair). If you tell her how this all hurts you and still continues, now it will be your choice whether to wish to contiinue in your marriage.

I would suggest some family counseling. Have her sit with someone and get a second opinion on boundries on being friends with her x.

I wish I could be more helpful,

holiday

How many people are IN your marriage?

She IS married to two men. Corn stalks?

How long have you two been married? Do you have any children together?

Has the xH ever dated anyone else?

She has the best of both worlds, why should she stop? She sees nothing wrong with this behavior, and I'm afraid you've allowed it for too long.

How can you be so in love with this woman that clearly only gets half her time and attention?

I'm not trying to sound mean, I'm just wondering how happy you REALLY are.

I think you've made excuses to her, and for her for so long, you're not really sure HOW you feel at this point.

How did it come about that you live so close?

What other alternatives are there?

This is an ugly situation. Sadly I think you knew this before you got married. Why did you think the situation would change after you got married?

Does your wife work outside the home?

Has she ever?

I would never go to my xH for anything. I mean corn stalks... it's not like you needed money for mortgage, rent, electric, gas, food.... corn stalks.

Blatant disrespect.... and she's not talking to you?

This is utter manipulation my friend. Her way or the highway?

I'd be upset over this too.

No way you can create a stable marriage with him being a daily part of your lives and living 2 blocks away. Why did you marry her in the first place? Sounds like this was going on before you two married.

Her way or the highway? If she cannot kick him to the curb, buddy, I'd bolt.

I suggest some marriage counseling. Otherwise your marriage is likely to go steadily downhill. The ex has to be out of your life except for contact with the children.

A marriage is between two people and not three. I am sorry but your wife has given a clear message to him and to you that she enjoys having two men emotionally involved with her. Your wife is a cakewoman. It is doubtful your marriage can endure with a situation like this. If she refuses to change this situation then she is giving you a clear message that she is picking her ex over you. I do not see what other choice you would have. It sounds down deep she is keeping him as a backup and it sounds like she just might get her wish.

Hol: She has been divorced from him for almost 10 years and the reason was his mental instability. He was suicidal for awhile to try and get her attention plus brought them to near financial ruin. He only started really changing after I came around and he saw that I was a strong person, not one to be bullied. Then he started becoming more like me, I can only assume that he did so to win her back. In his mind, if he is like me AND has the money, why wouldnt she want him?

BIJ: We have been together almost 2 years and married for almost 1. We have no children together and do not have that ability any more. He has tried a couple of relationships, but he always compares that person to my wife. Before we were together, he would blame my wife for the failures of his relationships.

He pushed his way near her before we were married. Yes, I knew it before we got married, but she promised that his only contact would be for his daughter. One of our agreements was to stay put until the daughter graduates from high school, which is still a few yrs away. I do get the majority of her attention, but he seeks it at times as well. We recently went for nearly a month without hearing much from him at all and it was very enjoyable for both of us. She says that she is constantly pushing him away, just not the way I want her to. But, by asking him to do something for our house, she has unwittingly asked him back into our life.

My wife does not work outside the house because she is a full time student and just had surgery.

Bryanp: She did admit to me last night that she is somewhat keeping him in reserve, because she is worried that I might leave her. I tried to let her know that the only reason I might leave is over this subject.

Then she went off on another tangent, saying that she has never had any real family and he has always been there for her. He is more like a brother than an ex. She has convinced herself that since there is no sex involved, there is no problem.

She has agreed to seek some counseling with me, but only to a place of her choice. I figure that its a start and see if maybe the counselor can impress upon her what I am feeling, since I have been unsuccessful. After all, it doesnt hurt for no reason and I have now learned that this is not just something in my head.

I do understand how important it is to have both parents in a childs life, but not at the cost of your own life. There has to be a middle ground somewhere, without affecting me so much.


I have tried doing analogies so that she might understand. I asked her how she would feel if my ex-wife came over to decorate the house and her reply was "She wouldnt do that". So, I then asked what she would think if I started becoming friends with a single female neighbor and went over there for drinks all the time. Her reply was "It wouldnt bother me".

To me, these answers are just smokescreens to help and suppoort her position. She is trying to rationalize that since it wouldnt bother her, it shoudnt be bothering me.

I am waiting for a callback now from the counselor and we will see where it goes from there.

She is manipulating you and justifying having unresolved feelings for her ex. She MARRIED him! All of his/her excuses are pure bull. Why do you stand for it? How "strong" does that make you? She's walking all over you dude.

Well, we made up a bit over the weekend and she agreed to some counseling. But, I think she believes that the counselor is going to tell me I am being silly and to chill out.

But, then came today ..... Her son got a new job and needed a vehicle to use to get to work, so we let him borrow ours. Her daughter stayed home from school today because she was sick, so they went and borrowed her xH's truck!

The doctors office is 4 blocks away and the xH's house is 2 blocks away. Now, he is out of town right now, but irregardless, there is no need to be borrowing his stuff at all. But, she says its for her daughter and she has to do what she has to do.

So, I went home during my lunch hour and the rig is still at our house. I asked if we could return it and she said it will get returned, just not yet. I ask if I can take it back and she says "No, she likes driving it, just let her do it".

I dont know how to get it through her head how much this bothers me. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking, I have the sweats, and she just continues to think its no big deal.

She offered to make me lunch or do whatever for me while I was home, so she really does just think of it as no big deal. Like it is some kinda every day occurrence, so dont worry about it, pick bigger battles.

Frankly I think this is the biggest battle of all, for my marriage, but she just doesnt understand that it is destroying our marriage bit by bit.

I am going to try and get us in this counseling, but I am sure she will try and waylay that as well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So in other words nothing changed. I'd lay it out pure and simple the way you have here. This is a ex-husband, not a friendly neighbor. She's manipulating you