Having issues with intimacy during our recovery. DDay was 6/7 and WH moved back in mid July. In IC and MC since this time. Just trying to heal internally and start fresh with WH but not ready for intimacy. WH is putting pressure on me stating that he has needs to and we can't just ignore the subject. Has anyone else felt this way and what was your solution?

My therapist said that I am showing healthy boundaries and working through the pain and resentment and stay true to my feelings. Early on in the recovery I shelved the feelings and went on like nothing had happen. It felt 10 times worse when it all exploded inside of me for not working on it.

Thanks,
BrokenLove

Married 8 years
3 children
DDay 6/7/05 Recovery started August 1

Wow, so you are REFUSING to meet his needs?

brokenlove, it takes about 12-24 months to heal from adultery, what do you expect the man to do with his needs in that time?

Good for you standing up for your boundaries! I waited....hmmm, about 8 months. After being a sex addict and thinking I couldn't live without some type of sex, I learned I could live without any. It took a lot of prayer and help from my counselor, but I learned I could do it.

I waited until my wife was ready. I showed her tenderness, and care, and did everthing without pressuring her. I told her when she was ready she could let me know and one day she did.

AskMe, what is her husband supposed to do with his needs while she is "standing up for her boundaries?" How does refusing to meet his needs help her marriage repair?

I was really surprised by the responses above. I am not refusing to meet his needs, I am healing myself. If he has needs, there is a bathroom and he can take care it. There is more to a marriage than the sexual need...emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, etc.

I feel betrayed and violated. I tried the physically early in the recovery and I felt horrible almost dirty afterwards. I thought there was more to the recovery than just meeting HIS needs!! I guess I was wrong.

BL

Do you consider sex a need? Food, air water, those are needs......sex, is a want. Ok, I'm being hard line for a bit. The husband put himself first, met his desires, and now she is asking for some time to meet her needs. I don't think it is unreasonable considering he just moved back mid-july for her to still be in that period of having some difficulty of not wanting to be intimate. I think he should respect that and work on learning to be close, learning to cuddle, hold, embrace, and not expect sex....at least for a while until she is comfortable. It will eventually happen if he does what I just said.

No, AskMe, sexual function is a NEED. It is usually the TOP need of men. Have you ever heard of Marriage Builders? It is one of the most successful marriage building programs in the US. Where other MC's fail, this program is extremely successful because it realizes what causes one to fall in love and stay in love.

I would suggest that you read up on it before you commence giving folks advice. They are here to learn about Marriage Builders, after all.

The secret to marital recovery is not causing more resentment by refusing to meet your spouse's needs, brokenlove. That is ruinous to marriages and is often a direct culprit in causing affairs and breaking up marriages. Not having one's needs met in a marriage causes the spouse to fall out of love. "Standing up for your boundaries" really means: PUNISHMENT. Your "boundary" is to refuse to meet his needs, which is extremely unloving. That is not an appropriate "boundary" if you intend on staying married.

bl, your H should not have to tolerate having his needs ignored for months on end. You are simply setting him up for an affair and ruining your marriage. I have no doubt that he feels punished and that is very damaging to your marriage at a time when you need to HEAL your marriage.

Ask yourself this: is it ok if your H doesn't meet your needs for months on end because he "doesn't feel like it?" Is it ok for him to quit his job and quit supplying financial support? Is it ok for him to ignore you and withhold all affection for months because he "doesn't feel like it?"

Your marriage has already suffered enough damage from the affair, why would you compound the damage with such a mean, punishing, thoughtless attitude towards meeting his needs? Don't you understand that you are only driving a wedge between you two by being so thoughtless and mean? You are making him vulnerable to the first woman who comes along and offers him sex.

Your husband has warned you, telling you that you can't ignore the subject. You ignore his warning at your own peril, and will only have yourself to blame.

I have read the book several times. My point was, can you live without sex? Yes, therefore it is not a real need. As defined by Steve Harvey, yes it is a need, but I would call it a number 1 desire, or want.

And what are the needs for the woman?

You know it's nice to just backs into meeting the needs, but you also have to give a little time to healing.

The importance of emotional needs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Marriage Builder's basic concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

How to survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Nonsense. That is not the definition of an emotional need. Can you also live without affection? Admiration? Domestic companionship? Conversation? Of course you can. But that is not the point. The point is that couples fall in love and stay in love when their needs are being met. They FALL OUT OF LOVE when their spouse REFUSES to meet their needs. Marriages crumble when needs are not met.

I ask again, what is this man supposed to do with his need for SF?

Thank you AskMe! I have also read all of the books including His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. My WH doesn't want me to just go through the motions, he wants the connection intimately too. DDay feels like yesterday to me and I am just trying to cope from one day to the next. My heart wants to stay and my head wants to go. I never thought that I would be a woman that would ever stay with a man who betrayed me so I am having to retrain my head.

I am not the enemy here MelodyLane. I am trying to keep my head above water.

I am guessing maybe it is hard for you to have sex right now because the affair is still so fresh in your mind? I would just make that a priority to work on. I am sure you are not punishing your H you are just having a hard time knowing he was with another woman. I also understand that it is a very important need of a man that is why I would put this as priority to work on. Care for yourself and be tender, but work on being able to do this with your h for both of your sakes.

I have thought how this would/will be for me should my h come back.... It will be hard to get the pictures out of my head I am sure. The "gee, did he do this with her? ,etc" I know how you feel.... But I also miss sex tremendously, sex with my H! and I know I would work really hard on getting past the wonderings so I could not only fill his need but fill mine!

Just my 2 cents.... mlhb

bl, if you prefer to get your advice from some newbie named AskMe who joined the forum a week ago, instead of following Dr Harley's extremely successful, tried and proven program, that is your prerogative. But just know that Dr. Harley has a successful track record, am not sure of AskMe's track record in saving marriages. He does not seem to have any understanding whatsoever of the MB program.

I thought you were here for advice about the Marriage Builders program and I now see you are not, so I will leave you in the hands of AskMe, who seems very willing to tell you what you want to hear, rather than what you NEED to hear. I wish you the best.

Why does everyone think that men are animals and cannot control their sexual impulses? You ask me what does he do with his SF. He waits. I waited and I survived. Single guys wait all the time. People are not animals with sexual impulses they cannot control. Ok, it's a number 1 need, desire, however you want to term it, go to number 2 and work on that for a while. Maybe she will be willing to be a recreational companion. Just remember, the book starts Her Needs and if you remember the book starts that title for a purpose.

I will take ofcourse a different spin on it all (that will probably also piss of ML <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)....The Sex as an "emotional need" is no doubt a very real thing, and ignoring this will surely NOT be any help to your recovery......HOWEVER, as is often like a broken record with me (and is often "assumed" we know)....did your cheating husband and yourself get a full battery of STD tests including HIV Elisa screening? If NOT, then realistically the issue at hand should be put on "hold" untill that MANDATORY issue is resolved.

The Emotional Needs aspect of this is a very involved thing and I am admittedly unqualified to opine on that, but the STD thing is something I have the professional qualifications to weigh in on (since that seemed to be a point of contention here).

We can always "assume" that BS will act with "common sense" or will "be careful"...perhaps, but just ask the 40,000 people that got HIV disease last year...surely "they knew too".

Just another spin on it all....perhaps not "marriage building"...but maybe more important all the same.

Take it or leave it.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

edited: as usual, for horrible spelling errors

ML I'm not sure why you choose to attack me when I'm just presenting my thoughts. I have had my His Needs Her Needs book since 1996 when I bought in New York City. I have been on and off this meesage board over the years and I am well aware of the concepts. Some things I may just have a slightly different view of just as you may have a different view, but I'm not going to run you down for it. And I apologize to BL for her being the middle.

Brokenlove, I understand. H & I are in the same stuck situation, or should I say I am in the same stuck situation. I can't trust him, so it's difficult for me to give myself to him in that way. Of course "all" men need it now. It seems to be a big big need for them. Women tend to need trust, honesty, openess, comfortability, etc...

It's so difficult to give SF to a H who just had sex with a OW. My H case with a prostitute. These great feelings for SF would just come so natural, and spiritual (because it is a holy thing) prior to the adultery, now they don't, for me anyway.

So I will just keep coming back!

Love, Lady