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brokenlove, don't take my word for it and don't take AskMe's word for it. Read the articles and books here written by a professional to see how withholding sex from your H will only damage your marriage at a very vulnerable time. It is a huge lovebuster that shows an enormous lack of empathy. In effect, you are making him vulnerable to a resumption of the affair by punishing him. I betcha the OW didn't punish him and suspect she is most tempting about right now after being deprived and punished for months. But don't take my word for it. Read the material on this website and learn everything you can from Marriage Builders. The principles will help you save your marriage and make it better than it ever was, rather than further harm it. Lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And if there is going to be and HIV screening as lemonman suggested, the you need to wait 6 months to ensure the virus if fully active. I went after six months passed and had all the STD tests taken to ensure I didn't have any of the nasty little bugs that are possible to get and I showed the results to my wife. I wanted to be the responsible one again who stood up to do the right and that included the STD testing. And that would be something good for BL's husband to do as well if he is sincere about their relationship.
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by AskMe.....I wanted to be the responsible one again who stood up to do the right and that included the STD testing. And that would be something good for BL's husband to do as well if he is sincere about their relationship. BL, this is a must as AskMe and Lemonman have said. H & I have had to do the same...it is still in progress and next test to be done is the HIV in 3 months. Most STD's can be seen right away, but HIV cannot be seen right away especially for a recent infidelity. There is a 3 month window period. Example.... 1st HIV test taken now can tell if the virus is present from June-prior years. 2nd HIV test taken 3 months later can tell if the virus is present from June-present. I know it's sick to even think of and an embarrassment to go to the clinic, or Dr. but it has to be done to be safe. Love, Lady
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I don't think anyone would argue against taking precautions, but that is not why she is punishing him and should not be used arbitrarily to destroy her marriage. She has an incredible lack of empathy towards her husband that is destructive to her marriage. She should not be encouraged to proceed on that path. Sure, it's all what she wants to hear, but telling her what she wants to hear is not helping her marriage. This is what she said when asked how her H was supposed to get his needs met: If he has needs, there is a bathroom and he can take care it. There is more to a marriage than the sexual need...emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, etc. I wonder how a man feels to be told to go jack himself off in the bathroom when wants to make love, that his wife doesn't give a damn about meeting his needs? Somehow I doubt she would welcome the same lack of empathy from him. Folks are so busy falling over themselves to tell her what they think she wants to hear, they have overlooked the incredible thoughtlessness and lack of empathy in that statement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree with LM. For some reason, the threat of STD's is not addressed in the Harley's articles here. No one whose spouse has cheated should have SF until their partner has been checked out for everything.
Most affairee's DON'T use any protection. This still amazes me. After D-day, I asked my WH, and he said he used protection. Like a dummy, I had SF with him. I found out later from OW's husband, that they hadn't used anything.
So now, even though I was faithful, I might as well have had sex with everyone the scummy OW rutted with.
And it there is not only the common STD's, but all kinds of other fatal diseases that they think might be passed through sex.
So even though I have been tested for the usual, I have the stress of sitting around waiting to see if anything else turns up.
I have a dear friend at work who is dying of multiple myeloma, and his doc asked him if he ever had sex with a prostitute. He is only 31 with two young kids. Apparently it can be contracted that way.
I don't want to scare you, but you have the RIGHT to know the hidden consequences of your husband's choices.
SF is a need for men, but as far as I'm concerned, they need to go without until all of the tests come back negative.
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My WH doesn't want me to just go through the motions, he wants the connection intimately too. My H says the same thing, and that he will not pressure me. MC said we do need to work on this. He also mentioned that when adultery happens such in H case, he was with a prositute, how many men had she been with prior to him. Well, thats who my H joined himself to and I would join myself to them to if I had SF with him. I'm telling you I saw another person in him after, and I have to make sure H is cleansed and all strangleholds are gone before entering into SF with him. It isn't just a hurry and meet this need after infidelity. You have to be very careful how you go back. Making sure repentance is there by H and forgiveness is there by God and me, and making sure H is cleansed from the defilement. Love, Lady
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I don't think anyone would argue against taking precautions, but that is not why she is punishing him and should not be used arbitrarily to destroy her marriage. Mel, I happen to overall agree with your issue here. Perhaps the original poster is no where near "ready" to try and recover a the marriage with her cheating husband....that may actually be the bigger issue. There seems alot of anger, and hurt that she has not dealt with. Taking the view of "he can take it in the bathroom and take care of it" is a sure fire way to implode any recovery process. Even a moron simpleton like me knows that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It is not really rational and speaks of alot of internal turmoil....I don't think that her feelings are necessarily wrong (they are what they are), but if one is in "recovery" it would be like cutting yourself at the knees. The bigger question to the orginal poster is: DO YOU WANT TO RECONCILE YOUR MARRIAGE? No one here is saying that you have to do anything of that sort....BUT......if you DO, I think the links that ML provided for you are excellent starting points.....ofcourse I am gonna "assume" you are also taking my advice above....which I am gonna opine should TAKE PRECEDENCE at this very moment, while you work thru this. If you are gonna try and do this (recover the marriage), do it right, or don't do it at all.....you are just setting yourself up for a "self fulfilling prophecy",just my .02. Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by lemonman; 10/12/05 09:20 PM.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Excellent points. That crow sammich has turned you into a freaking genius. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think that brokenlove is not ready to be intimate with WH. There may still be some unresolved issues. I have not kept up on her thread of how they came to be in "recovery", but I remember that her WH had several affairs, and also 2 women "sleeping" in his hotel room at some point.
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I would only point out that there will be a lot more "unresolved issues" if she continues to show such a lack of empathy for his needs by telling him to go jack himself off in the bathroom. Imagine her reaction if he told her "here's a dime, go call your girlfriends and quit bugging me" if she expected affection or conversation from him. I'm sure we would hear howls of protest over that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML - You have taken my comment out of context. I have not told my WH that. That is only how I feel sometimes. Maybe its that you are coming across very brash for someone that I don't know. I appreciate your input.
As far as a lack of empathy for his needs - I am very in tune to his needs. We have done the questionnaires to make sure that we are meeting each others needs. The only reason that I even posted today was to receive some positive insight on working through my own personal hurt so that I CAN feel better about the SF. I don't know how you have taken my post but it seems that you have gone to the extreme and to even bring up the OW. WOW! That literally made me want to vomit on my computer.
As I write this with tears in my eyes, I only wanted some advice on how others worked through the hurt and the visions and the questions that go through your head with the WH and OW when you are intimate. I never said that I didn't want to meet his needs.
History - WH EA 1998 online, inappropriate behavior on a business trip with two other women 10/2004, EA started in 5/2004 with OW, sexual in the fall. NC June 2005 after discovery.
Believe me when I say that I am trying to work through this hurt inside of me - reading, counseling, praying, reading this website, not talking to anti-recovery people, etc.
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brokenlove, I am not trying to hurt you, but you must know that if you are trying to save your marriage this is not the way the go. It is a form of punishment to refuse to meet his needs. I know you are hurt, but punishing your husband is not going to change that. It will just cause further damage to your marriage. Those visions go away over time, we all had them, but refusing to meet his needs will not help that. Only time can do that.
Please read the articles I posted. Really, Dr. Harley is an exceptional man who specializes in salvaging damaged marriages. Listen to what he says about meeting needs, espeically in such a very damaged marriage.
I won't post to you anymore. Take care.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The secret to marital recovery is not causing more resentment by refusing to meet your spouse's needs, brokenlove. That is ruinous to marriages and is often a direct culprit in causing affairs and breaking up marriages. Not having one's needs met in a marriage causes the spouse to fall out of love. "Standing up for your boundaries" really means: PUNISHMENT. Your "boundary" is to refuse to meet his needs, which is extremely unloving. That is not an appropriate "boundary" if you intend on staying married.
bl, your H should not have to tolerate having his needs ignored for months on end. You are simply setting him up for an affair and ruining your marriage. I have no doubt that he feels punished and that is very damaging to your marriage at a time when you need to HEAL your marriage.
Ask yourself this: is it ok if your H doesn't meet your needs for months on end because he "doesn't feel like it?" Is it ok for him to quit his job and quit supplying financial support? Is it ok for him to ignore you and withhold all affection for months because he "doesn't feel like it?"
Your marriage has already suffered enough damage from the affair, why would you compound the damage with such a mean, punishing, thoughtless attitude towards meeting his needs? Don't you understand that you are only driving a wedge between you two by being so thoughtless and mean? You are making him vulnerable to the first woman who comes along and offers him sex.
Your husband has warned you, telling you that you can't ignore the subject. You ignore his warning at your own peril, and will only have yourself to blame. Broken love: please continue with the boundaries. A husband should respect the request of the wife if she doesn't want to have sex with him. For him to force you to is called rape and is a crime in this country even between married people. I would also encourage you to take this advice that was given to you with a grain of salt. This advice is making YOU out to be the bad person instead of your husband who cheated, committed adultery, screwed around or whatever you want to call it. When you feel you are ready to engage in sf then please do so. This should be on your terms not his.
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sckittnen, respect goes both ways and her H's desire to have sex with his wife is not "rape." No one is making her out to be a bad person. Her H is in this marriage too so his "terms" should also be considered.
Everything you have advised runs counter to Marriage Builder's principles.
Last edited by Justuss; 10/13/05 04:06 PM.
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Melody:
**********edit**********do you think that what Dr. Harley says is gospel? ********************************
My understanding and I think you even told ME this is that the person who has the affair is the one to blame. She is not holding a gun to his head and telling him to go **** someone else. The person who is responsible for the affair is the person who had the affair. So you saying that to "neglect" her husband's needs is going to make him have an affair is ludacris. She needs those boundaries because I'm sure that he has violated them before. The post that you put up makes HER out to be the bad guy here. Put blame where the blame belongs...on her husband. Maybe if he didn't go cheat (one of your favorite words)on her then maybe she would want to have sf with him.
Last edited by Justuss; 10/13/05 04:08 PM.
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Melody:
*******************do you think that what Dr. Harley says is gospel? ******************** *********************
My understanding and I think you even told ME this is that the person who has the affair is the one to blame. She is not holding a gun to his head and telling him to go **** someone else. The person who is responsible for the affair is the person who had the affair. So you saying that to "neglect" her husband's needs is going to make him have an affair is ludacris. She needs those boundaries because I'm sure that he has violated them before. The post that you put up makes HER out to be the bad guy here. Put blame where the blame belongs...on her husband. Maybe if he didn't go cheat (one of your favorite words)on her then maybe she would want to have sf with him. This is my last post of the night before I get into a sleep induced coma.....plus I don't want to be around now that you rattled this hornet's nest....I have been there, done that....and stil occassionally do that.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> but not tonight....you are your own here. I'm out and running in my slippers to the Master Bedroom for cover. Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Justuss; 10/13/05 04:10 PM.
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sckitten, with all due respect, you are a serial cheater, who is in an active affair and is hardly qualified to "advise" anyone on Marriage Builders principles. Heck, you can't even lead yourself. You know absolutely nothing about a healthy marriage, much less a darn thing about Marriage Builders.
This is demonstrated by your statement above that a H's desire to have sex with his W is "rape" and anyone can recognize that. That is just silly.
Now, you tried to start a big debate on Eav's thread last night and here you are trying it again tonight. Why not knock it off and tend to your own problems? She doesn't need your nonsense any more than Eav did.
Last edited by Justuss; 10/13/05 04:12 PM.
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[ This is my last post of the night before I get into a sleep induced coma.....plus I don't want to be around now that you rattled this hornet's nest....I have been there, done that....and stil occassionally do that.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> but not tonight....you are your own here. I'm out and running in my slippers to the Master Bedroom for cover. Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> **SNORT** Sleep well, ya chicken! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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************edit*************
Last edited by Justuss; 10/13/05 04:15 PM.
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