My wife enjoys flirting when she is not with me to get the attention of other men. When she does this, she immegions being with that person she is attracted/flirting with sexually.

This scares her alot because she do not want to want to damage what we have together and it scares me too because she acted on her lust/temptation in her younger years while dating me.

She sais she will never step outside that boundry and cheat again.

A part of me tells me that what she is experiencing are just fantasy's but aother part of me sais what if I am wrong and she may act out on this one day given the opertunity???

She held these feelings from me for all of our 12 year relationship, just recently telling me.

Is this lust, fantasy or is this an indication she may have to work on the rules to avoid temptation?

I mean, I enjoy a flirt here and there like recieving a smile or giving a smile to a sexy girl. It feels good but that is as far as I would go with it. I am a guy, I also have fantasy's about being with the beautiful blond in the bikini at the beach...this is normal righ? So how different is this from what she told me?


In the past (3 years or more ago)she has been known to act on her feelings of lust even if it hurt other's - Now, she sais she has to make a pont of knowing the boundries of how far she can take this flirting/lusting and put a stop to it!

Should I have anything to be worried about?

Thank you

Sounds to me like the issue is not flirting, but self confidence...seeking attention from others because it makes her feel better about herself....imagining the OP being attrated to her in order to reassure herself that she is an attractive person, etc.

IMHO, this would damage what you have together. Anytime a partner reaches outside the M to have their needs met (in this case need for admiration maybe?) it puts the M at risk. The positive thing here is that she is being honest with you...that is always the first step.

Have you and your FWW filled out the EN questionaires?

(Also, not to get Freudian, but maybe it would help if your FWW considers the root of this--why is she seeking to make herself feel valued through this attention? Is there something that made her feel unvaluable at some point in her life...relationship with father, experiences as a kid, etc.)

She is visualizing having SF with other men and she has cheated in the past? This is NOT good!!!

Visualization is a powerful tool that athletes use to maximize their performance...why is she doing this?

My STBXW is/was like that...it's either a power trip for them to have men "want" them or a manifestation of low self-esteem that is "stroked" when a man responds to her flirting.

Is she aware that it hurts you and you don't like it? If she does and she won't stop, you need the assistance of a good MC because she is going outside the M to have EN's met and that is NEVER good!

Good Luck,

WNB

thomas 686,

I would echo everyone's comments but I would like to run an idea by you.

It appears that you are facing a situation that has a very high predilection going from flirting to fornication. Why not approach her with a postnuptual agreement that would penalize severely the spouse that engages in extramarital sex. This would apply to both partners and not just her.

If she agrees readily, it gives you a peek at her true character. If she balks or angrily refuses to even talk about it, then you need to prepare yourself for that worst-case scenario.

Good luck

Care to elaborate? Has she actually cheated on you while married or just when with other guys while dating.Were you engaged?

We had a long interesting thread going some time ago about flirting.IMO,flirting while married is never ok.People can use all the lame excuses they do for it but I just think it harms other's and the marriage.Besides,if I am married,I have eyes for no one else but my husband.Everyone else can get lost.I can't imagine doing this when all my attention should be showered on my H.

I am confident enough,and always have been,that I don't need the approval of anyone else.

It sounds to me like your marriage in trouble.Both of you are fantasizing and lusting after other's so I would suggest counseling.Also,check out our bookstore.Maybe you are both feeling a bit bored in the marriage? Anything else going on?

Take this seriously.

O

Thomas,

Has she always been flirty or just saying she is now but had supressed it for years before...

The reason I ask is that as I began on my EA which eventually became a PA, it was with a very flirty man...and I found myself enjoying flirting with him, it's like I found that flirting was something I missed doing and it was a supressed part of me (bad logic - but how my messed up mind thought). So I started to convince H that i was always flirty and it was part of who I am - thing is - I was a big flirt -when I was single...then I got married - where flirting only had a place with my husband...then when flirting started again, I started acting single...while married.

If this is an all of a sudden change, find out if there is someone in particular she likes to flirt with. It could be the beginning of an EA.