Well WH has been calling 15-20 times a day, all go unanswered. Yesterday my Mom was here, and I was at Wal-Mart with the kids picking up pictures. He called and she answered. She asked him what he wanted. He wanted to borrow money from me to fix his car. She told him that the favors were one sided, and he needed to back off. Of course, he continued to cell my cell phone…

The ‘other guy’ and I have had a long talk about my commitment to my marriage and the need to not engage in a relationship until my marriage was completely over, in all respects. His response was respect and also pride. He said that some day I will find a man that will be extremely proud of my commitment and devotion because if I am willing to stand by a man who has done me so wrong, then I am a strong woman and deserve respect for that. He is really a nice guy, and if nothing else, I would like to be friends with him again. We were good friends in high school, even when I was with Adam.

Mortarman….
Yes, I can say affair…I can say that I was headed full speed ahead into one. Thank you for taking the time to reply and bring the word of the Lord into this thread. It gives a new, and much needed perspective.

GBH….
This man has a lot of decency, and completely respects my need to wait to initiate any sort of relationship until I am divorced. I am honestly honored that he does have that decency. I do deserve to be happy, but I don’t deserve to betray my marital vows because my husband did. I can see how you say you don’t agree with MM that I am ending up just like my WH. I can see both sides. I will never end up like my husband in many, many ways. He has done so much more then have an affair, things I like not to think about. However, by engaging in a relationship with another man, I am ending up just like him in one way. I would be disrespecting my vows, losing my own self-respect and having an affair. All of which are not okay or acceptable.

Confused….
It surely was an ego boost. To hear someone say I was attractive, that they enjoyed my presence, it felt good. Honestly, if nothing else, I can say that the guy (okay so his name is Jake, let’s just use his name) made me realize that happiness after this is possible. My brother called my cell phone while I was with Jake. He knew who he was from school and said “wow, Danielle, I am proud. Heck if you only see him for one day it might make you stop dwelling on the loser. I thought you would never get over him and you were going to let him abuse you forever”

A.M….
I have always respected you concern for my and my children’s safety. While WH claims that I need to move on, go ‘f’ someone new, go find a new man, etc…. I too question his reaction to that when it does happen. While he says he could care less about his children and would like to see me find them a new dad so I can tell the kids that he died, I am quite convinced that when the children are introduced to a new man (I am not saying now, but I can’t rule it out forever) he will likely be angry. When WH is angry he is unpredictable. Honestly, my children, myself and any man I have in my life don’t need his anger. Jake is a really nice guy, and I wouldn’t want to throw him into the drama… My in-laws reaction …wow. I am quite upset with them right now…so in a sense I could say I could care less what their reaction is, although until the divorce is final I need to keep the waters calm.

Dobie…..
I was and am ashamed of my behavior. Driving off after spending time with him I started to cry thinking of how much I was upset with my behavior. I thought for a while that it ‘felt good’ and I ‘deserved to feel good’ and ‘we were just having fun’ and then I realized how much I sounded like any other fogged out WS. Sure it felt good, then. Was it wrong? Yep…and I know it.

WasCrushedinTexas…..
There are always many thoughts and feelings on any topic. That is the beauty of this discussion forum. I do not think that God would ever bring a man into my life while I was married. A man may come into my life before I am divorced, and if I look to God for support he will show me that in order to follow his word, I must not engage in a relationship with this man. If I want to think of what God said to me during this time, it would be while I was driving off. I needed direction…and that direction was that maybe one day Jake and I can begin to form a relationship but to do that during my marriage would be a disgrace…to myself, my children, Jake, and the Lord. I can’t do that.

Mojodiva…..
My WH a winner? At being selfish he is batting 100. I have to worry about his ability to screw with me in court to a certain degree. To completely ignore that would be ignorant on my part. If I let my guard down, he may come up with a few tricks, which I could do without. In reality I do not expect for things to go his way, at all. He has been in default since day one.

Grapegirl…..
The reality of me dropping the RO is 0. He is out of luck. He can bark up someone elses tree. I am not putting myself and more importantly my children in the way of the OW for his sake. My definition of divorce is not only the legal definition but the definition that drives me is one I can sleep with at night. Honestly my decision to remain faithful has little to do with how it would affect Adam. It is primarily based on my own morals and standards which I want to live by. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing I gave in to my temptation to ‘feel good’.


Justpeachy,
I had a long conversation with Jake about the legalities and possible negative impacts that me dating before my divorce is final could have. He was extremely respectful of that and more then respectful he was concerned about the children. I explained that my need to protect the kids is far greater then my need to have a relationship. He basically said he wouldn’t call me again, or initiate communication, although that wouldn’t mean he doesn’t want to talk to me, he wants me to be able to decide when and what is appropriate.

Danielle

Good girl! sounds like when all is said and done, you might want to call him, Jake that is...for a cup of coffee.

And as for adam, he is still dangerous and still trying to break the RO by calling. Calling that much is harassment my dear.

He's calling b/c he has no other options. His money is gone. His dream of a fantasy blended family with ow is history, he's got legal problems, and a toxic ow on his back night and day. They're probably lb'ing a gazillion times a day now. Ah...the romance of the affairees huh?

Just like my xh did...they were all about FIGHTING ME...IT WAS ALL ABOUT STICKING TOGETHER TO FIGHT ME. That was their common bond. When I took their common bond away, it was XH VS. OW. And it is a wierd spectacle to watch from afar I can say.

sTay strong. God has something special for you. You got strong, got smart, and got a new and incredibly rewarding life now! Congrats to you. And my condolences to the stupid Mr. "Billy Idol" Adam and Ms. C. Love (*her lookalike).

Well, Dani, you've done better with this one than I would have done, at your age. I'm awed.

Dani, of course you are correct. I am still waiting on Mortarman's thread on the biblical aspect of divorce. For some reason, I am remembering one of Paul's letters where he proclaims that by faith in our Lord Jesus Christ we are set free from man's law.

Well the police just came to the door and scared the crap out of me. I was issued a subpoena to go to court as a witness against the OW for a violation of protection from abuse case on the 27th at 8:30am. *deep breath*

DV minus 9 days..
Danielle

Pardon my ignorance: What does this mean? What has she done? What did you see?

A.M. She is charged with two counts of violation of protection from harassment and abuse. She called here, and threatened my life after I issued a protection order.

Danielle

What is this about?

Don't worry...just probably something related to the rantings and reckless behavior of not one but TWO wayward spouses....

You documented. You made notes. You stayed safe. Nothing to fear. Just get a note excusing yourself properly from classes at college...that's all you REALLY need to worry about.

And while you're down there, can you get a RO against BOTH of them so they can leave you the heck alone? You deserve peace. The kids deserve peace and serenity too!

Aren't you glad this insanity will hopefully diminish?

Mine has significantly...

What you WILL have to deal with...is parenting issues where you will at some point have to deal with their dad...that's all the stress I endure at this point. Oh and a ditsy ow/w who wants to "be my friend" one day and stab me in the back the next...can we just say that I want NC from both???Unless it is about my son and then and only then I deal with XWH?

Boundaries are GOOD things...

Well, any way you can use all this for a research paper in your paralegal class?

I have told my teacher about the day. At 10 am I have the criminal trial and at 2pm the final divorce hearing. This isn't anything I can use in class, but it does give me actual experience with the court procedures.

Today is 4 days minus DV Day and WH called this morning. He said 'I know you don't want to talk but I wanted to say sorry for being so angry lately and that if you ever need a discount on your car parts or getting anything at VIP just let me know. I said OK. He said he is sorry for everything, he packed up his stuff from where he and OW are staying and left this morning. He is done with her, and he wishes he could come home but he knows he can't make the commitment and be tied down. He said sorry for bothering me that he just wanted to say sorry and that if I needed annything from his work to let him know.
I said ok and we got off the phone.

I am not sure the reason of his call, but at least he wasn't angry.

Danielle

Don't fall for it. I doubt he's done with OW. And I'm nearly certain that he isn't about to turn a new leaf.

Whether he's angry or not is simply a flip of a coin.

Dani, don't get sucked back in, he's done this crap time and time again. I'm worried about you - he's so unstable. How many times has he given up on OW, and left, only to go back soon after? You are much better off on your own, look at all the progress you've made. Stay safe, girl.

Danielle, I am absolutely speechless that you would be "unsure" of what his reason for the call was. After all that you and your children have been through with this man (and part of it directly can be attributed to you in letting your WH's actions time and time again damage your children) you still have to question the things he does....I'm speechless, not much else to say.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lemonman,
He usually has a reason for calling...normally asking me to do him a favor or to whine about why I owe him something.
This time it seemed as though he wanted to say something but since I didn't seem interested he didn't continue talking.
A.M. and Peachy,
He isn't getting through to me this time. I have too much ahead of me and to look forward to. I can't let him drag me back...

Danielle

Five bucks says he wanted to pressure you to not appear or lie in court that morning but he didn't think you sounded receptive enough for him to try it.

Dobie

And another five says he calls again before Friday to test your defenses.

Dobie

He's just watching his [censored].

Don't believe a word he's said...remember words are cheap. Actions on the other hand get things done!

And we judge men by their actions now hon! At least that's what I am trying to stick to myself.

I am truly sorry for the way this has happened. But in the end, he is not a happy person. Do not get stuck with him in his depression and fog. He is not yet bottomed.

He may see that his life is not what it should be. But he also told you hon, that he was not ready to settle down either!

How crazy is that? He's already settled down and getting a divorce friday?

You know what I'd say to him????I'd say...Thats Funny Mr. Billy Idol wanna be.....I am settled down now and don't want to be anymore. I understand just how you feel. I am ready to live a little!

that would freak him out!

But he's not worth the words. He is all about himself. And the OW, aka Courtney Love, is most likely sniffing around too. She is holding out for friday! And it will come....go...and there will be nothing special for them anymore.

Wanna know why?

No more drama. No more arguing. Fighting is done. They got each other and they can love bust all over the place. Remember this. YOU did NOT lose anything! You did not. And they are biggest losers period.

And yes, he may seem sad for maybe 10 minutes or so or shed a tear...I remember I cried like a baby while the lawyers read aloud for the court reporter...and he actually cried as well...

And afterward...I went out with my lawyers and they bought me 3 margaritas and a shot.

And afterward...my then xh went home to shack up ow...and continued down the path he created for himself.

It will be a day. You will feel some pain. But you've lived the hardest parts already I can tell you. It will be something you remember. But it is something I don't even think of much anymore. I gave THAT MEMORY TO MY XH...ALONG WITH ALL THE BAD STUFF...IT'S HIS NOW...IT IS HIS SHAME. I HAVE NONE!

Give the pain to Adam now. It is not yours any longer. You bore his burdens far too long.

Time for peace and love. Life will be good I promise again soon!

Does anyone have opinions about changing your last name during a divorce to your madien name? When I filed I checked that I wanted to keep my married name,....but now I am thinking that my previous name would go well....with my new life.

Today is WHs b-day and the day before he can have what he wanted from me for 15 months...to ge free.

There is a part of me that wants to call his work and say happy birthday...

I won't..partly because even if I did it wouldn't mean anything to him.

More later,...have to head to class and get my head in gear.

Danielle

I checked yes..

I go by both my maiden and married...one of those hyphenated chicks.

Don't worry about your xh. Maybe the trailer park Ms. Love will buy him something from walmart...oh wait! far too nice for him..maybe she'll buy him a tatoo or something from the dollar store.

You could have the kids make him a card and send it to him. but i'd stay NC.

did he care about your bday? was he a ws? sure was then.

Dani,

Would you check out Slammed1's thread? I think she could benefit from your experience.

As for names, don't forget your married name is your kid's name. Might be nice to have a family name. In any case, you "earned" it. You don't have to return it.

(I for one think that marriage changes one, whatever happens. I can't go back to my virginity. I can't go back to who I was -- nor would I want to. But this isn't a modern opinion.)