I am stupped on what to do or what to think these days. How should I treat this and what should I do. My wife instills in me that she is here to make our marriage workout for us and our children. She did admit she made mistakes in the past that jepordized our M and she can not put herself physically and emotionally thru another A. She tells me everyday she is here for me and she wants us to work out our problems to be happy together. I have a big problem trusting her right at this time, but everytime I think something is going on it seems to blow up in my face. I question her wereabouts and what she is doing, but it seems here wereabouts are true. How long can this go on with always looking after her and her looking over her shoulder to see if I am watching her every move. We fight each night over what happened in the past and my feelings of not trusting her at the present time. Each week we attend MC and that is a plus to see she does want this to work out, but what can I do to help me to trust her when she says she is doing everything she can do to make me trust her. As anyone been in this situation? What can I do to help me be patient?

I know that we are 2 years post D-day and I'm stll working on the "trust thing". It takes patience and time. You've been through an awful thing and she violated your trust. You want things to be normal agian, but like I said, it takes lots of time.

Do you want the M to work? If there is NC then it sounds like you are pushing her away. What are the blowups about, does she answer your questions or refuse.

Does she understand its her job to earn your trust again? If so, tell her what she can do to make you feel safe. POJA a plan or have her develop a plan and share it with you. Write it down. Be specfic. If you agree to the plan, then let her execute it.

If she understands its her job, and she is really making the effort, then my guess is that you are impatient, because you have not clearly told her what you need to feel safe. It probably changes all the time. Think what it would take and let her know. Once you tell her, you can't start changing the rules on her all of sudden, and you would have to be willing to do the same thing. If she starts doing the plan then you wont feel impatient. Over time, either what you've asked for becomes a normal part of your open and honest M and/or you can revise the plan as she earns more of your trust back. Both would alleviate your watching over her and her feeling like you are on her back.

6years,

You are still fresh into recovery and trust is something you just can't turn on because you want to. It must be something you feel. In time, with the help from your wife, you will develop trust again.

There are some things she can do to help such as accounting for her time, calling you when she leaves and arrives, etc. Over time you will begin to feel the trust coming back based on her work on reconciling and NC.

In other words... you are not alone.