After delving deep into the whys and the where fors of the affair I think that the reason I fell from grace and the other person is because we were searching for true intimacy. It wasn't anything to do with sex, it was just being able to be transparent with another person without the threat of being judged. My husband is a great guy but comes from a family where they do not share their feelings, emotions or communicate well in any areas. He as a result was at a disadvantage growing up in that type of a non-communicative atmosphere. After counseling for both of us we learned how to be transparent with one another and not to assume what the other person was thinking. You can't tell exactly what someone else means unless you walk in the that person's shoes.

Better communication and honest affection would prevent many from going down the wrong road that I took.

I think that each FWS has a different reason, and finding out yours is the key step to preventing it.

In my case, it was a combo of self-destructive coping mechanisms and poor communication skills. H had things going on, I wasn't handling my last surgery well...and thinking I was a master communicator (which I wasn't) I would try to address my issues and get shot down (I would attack H without realizing, his defence would go up and voila) So I felt neglected and uncared for...adding fuel to fire.

Remember that your affair might have FELT like true intamacy, but it was based on lies that were being told to other people...and so wasn't true intamcy - it was in a world you created just with him.

but the communication thing is what I stress is key - i truly feel most women who are FWW who feel neglected need to learn new communication skills to learn how to talk to their husbands without putting up the husbands walls...and then maybe they can talk about their needs or issues in a constructive manner and not add fuel to fire.

I am glad you and your husband have achieved that transparency, but I want to further challenge you.

What if something is going on with your husband and he clams up - and for a few months transparency and communication is blocked and you start to feel lonely again.

Have you figured out what in YOU you also need to change to get through times like that? because you may be in non-communicative situations again - how will you handle it?

i was searching for true intimacy without having to actually have it though.

if that makes any sense.

i just wanted the feelings of true intimacy.

what easier to get those feelings than with a complete stranger who also wanted to feel close to a person without having to really be sincerly intimate. neither of us really were risking ourselves for real. and we even talked about that very thing. we both acknowledge we were just using each other.

being really intimate with a person means taking the risk to trust that person.

for me anyway, all the stuff that went on in 2001-2003 was exactly about that. i never had to trust the OM, not really.

dorry, good post, good questions!